Skillset Parents

How do you feel about you when you’re alone?

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Alone

What feelings gets triggered in you by this blog posts picture? It’s a woman walking along a beach, the sun is coming up or just about to set. It’s dark and she’s alone. In your opinion, what is she feeling?

Being alone versus feeling lonely

To me there is a difference between being by myself and being lonely. The feeling of being lonely ranges from boredom to intense “I can’t take living this way-anxiety”. The corrosive lonely feeling that creeps up on me when I haven’t connected to my loved ones in too long is debilitating. I’ve learnt pay attention to my thoughts and when I recognize the thought patterns of “I feel so alone” combined with sorrow or sadness I know I have to take immediate action. The cure is difficult because it’s counterproductive to what my instinct tells me to do. I need to reach out to the people I love and let them see me when all I want to do is close down and self sooth with massive amounts of sugar and bad TV.

Being alone, now and then, on the other hand is something I love! When I get a whole day or the absolute luxury of an entire week of vacation by myself I feel pure delight. Maybe it’s a natural reaction to the limit on hours to yourself that comes with choosing to have children 😀

Loving spending time alone is a relatively new thing for me. When I was younger being alone was scary and uncomfortable. Left without the diversion of other humans I was confronted by my inner voice. Nowhere to run, no one to distract me from hearing my not very comfortable thoughts.  

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

What does the person looking back at you from the mirror say about you? If you take the time, lock the door so you won’t be disturbed and look deep into those eyes. What thoughts are bubbling up in your mind? I’ve avoided the woman in my bathroom mirror at times. She knows me too well and her BS-meter is fine tuned to my excuses. She knows everything I’ve ever done or said and she holds a pretty high standard for “acceptable”.

Sometimes, when she’s too tough on me, I need to talk some sense into her. I know she pressures me because she believes in me and knows I have it in me to do good things. She loves me and want to make sure I act according to my values. It’s just that sometimes she’s a bit harsh.

Someone once told me that I should talk to myself the way I would talk to a beloved friend. I liked the idea but the concept really hit home once I became a mother. I love my girls more than anything and I would never talk to or judge them the way I sometimes do myself.

To me a life well lived is a life where you’ve been happy (and where you’ve, if not actively brought happiness to the people around you, at least not hindered other people’s pursuit of it). I also believe in clues and life’s genius way of rewarding the right behavior. Following the clue of “pride” will lead you toward a life well lived.

By your actions and choices you can make the person, looking back at you from your mirror, feel proud of you. That feeling is unbeatable. It lets you sleep like a baby, wake up happy and confidently move around in the world.

Are you proud of the person you are becoming?

It’s undeniable that our culture inhibits the expression of doing well. In Sweden we have a social norm called the “Jante law” which works on our subconscious to keep us in line. It’s like the Australian concept of “the Tall poppy syndrome”. Cut everyone that stands higher than the rest down to size.

Another testimony of how people begrudge each other happiness is called “The Crab mentality” or “crabs in a bucket”. It’s is a way of thinking best described by the phrase “if I can’t have it, neither can you”. The metaphor refers to a pattern of behavior noted in crabs when they are trapped in a bucket. While any one crab could easily escape, its efforts will be undermined by others, ensuring the group’s collective demise. 

I’ve tested the concept of following your pride on my girls. My youngest said it felt a bit like bragging to say that she was proud of herself and we reasoned about why that is. We came to the conclusion that there are different ways of telling someone that you’re proud of yourself. We also talked about why we want to tell people in the first place. Sometimes it might be even cooler to not tell anyone, it might be even more personal power in being the only one knowing.

Being proud of yourself makes you strong. You will feel pride when you act according to your values and push yourself to do things you doubted to think you could. I want to encourage you to follow this feeling and to empower your children to do the same.

Use this feeling to open some interesting discussions at home. Talk about what makes you proud of yourself, talk about what your children are proud of in themselves.

Feeling at peace being alone with the person in the mirror

For some people seeing the woman walking alone on the beach sparks a lonely feeling. Some people avoid their images in mirrors and fill their lives with noise to drown out their internal voice. I still lose some battles with the woman in the mirror but I’ve changed my experience of spending time alone. The photo of the woman brings me a deep sense of peace and hope. I see a woman enjoying time by herself, someone taking care of herself, taking time to listen to her heart.

I asked my eldest daughter what she saw in this photo. She looked at it for some time and said, in English: “Life – I’m coming for you!”. It filled me with joy and pride.

There is so much I still want to do, experience and achieve. I will never be satisfied with what I’ve been able to provide and give to my children. There are regrets and some wishes of how thing could have been different. But can I say, with deep humility,that I’m proud of the woman I’m becoming? I’m proud of my willingness to try again after failing, of pushing my fixed mindset out the door as often as I can and of how I keep striving for living a life worth living.

BeBrave

Does your highest priority change when you become a parent?

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Priority

Having a baby changes everything. No matter what your highest priority was before, now you’re wired to care for this helpless being. You’re instantly alert from the tiniest of sounds, you’re planning your schedule around nap times and even when you’re so tired you can hardly stay awake you find some hidden power to push through.

I remember a paragraph from a fantasy novel I read when I was in my late teens. I can’t recall the title of the book but this one section really made an impact on me. A young woman, pregnant with an unwanted baby, was forced to give birth trapped in a vile storm. She was found in the middle of labor, in the woods, by an elderly kind medicine man. He helped her through the birth of her baby and then they made their way home to his cabin. When they got inside the woman was exhausted and cold and started to dry her clothes while completely ignoring the baby’s cries. The child was the result of a rape and the woman wanted nothing to do with it. The otherwise gentle man got furious and lectured that her priority from now on was to “nurture that child, before egoistically focusing on your own needs. This child is innocent and never asked to be born.”

This scene has stayed with me. I remember thinking, back then, how awful I feel when I’m cold and wondering if I could really shift into nurture mode like that.

Nurturing and putting them first came natural

A generous dose of oxytocin and other internally created chemicals helped me power through the marathon of nurturing my toddlers. The love and sense of protection I felt, and still feel, towards them is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I will do more for them than I do for anyone or anything else. The possibility of surprising them or to make them smile will make me plan and conspire for days.

Whenever I got tired and they’d call for me I’d muster my energy and tell myself what a wonderful gift it is that they want my attention. What a precious time we have together, that in a short number of years they will be out of my influence and reach. Soon the times around the breakfast table will be over. The long dinners with conversations ranging from one area to the next will be a once in a while occasion.

As their parents we’ve been the center of their universe. Soon we will have to share them with the world. I’ve gotten so much significance from being their mother. A place in this world, a purpose and an accomplishment like nothing else. It’s been such an ego boost.

Putting the well-being of my children first has been a no-brainer. As babies, humans are completely defenseless and dependent on other humans to survive. I don’t think anyone would dispute that as parents, to young children, you will have to put your own needs second for a while.

Combine the chemical rush of oxytocin, the significance boost of parenthood with the cultural acceptance and encouragement of prioritizing your children over yourself. The picture that emerge gives a background as to why parents sometimes loose themselves in this new role.

A case for making yourself your highest priority

So does that mean that you should always put your children first? What about the desires you have as a woman or a man? What about your personal goals? How does self-actualization combine with parenthood?

Lisa Nichols makes a case for focusing on yourself and getting so strong that you can take yourself to where you want to go. To first prioritize yourself so that you can help your family and friends from a position of strength. Denzel Washington, in a graduation speech, urges the students to dare to set goals. He says “Focus on your goals and when you reach them reach back and help someone else – each one, teach one!”

The famous metaphor from the safety instruction on air planes also urges you to focus first on yourself and then help children and other people around you. If you don’t get enough oxygen you will soon be of no use to anyone.

If you put your life on hold and give complete priority to your children, would you be happy? Who will you be when they eventually move out? How will they be able to leave and live their own lives if they worry about how you will manage without them?

Ask yourself if the example you’re setting is the one you wish to. When your child has children of her own, do you want her to feel the way you do about being a parent?

Setting a priority doesn’t mean you can’t do both

It’s at this point that the famous saying “you can have anything you want just not at the same time” comes in handy. I want time alone now and then to write and create or just zoom out or inwards. But I also I want a close connection with my family and I to be there for my children. I love spending time with them. They have such interesting perspectives on things and we talk about huge and small things.

My current theory is that it’s a balance that I need to fine tune now and then. I need to follow my energy meter – Sometimes the needs of my daughter will come before my own. Because if I chose different in that situation I would feel like a lousy mother which would put me in an energy deficit anyway. Sometimes I direct them to help each other so I can get an hour to myself.

It’s still difficult to prioritize myself and determine what level I feel is right for me. I’m learning as I go. Adjusting as I realize something is unbalanced. I’ve learnt to watch out for some telling signs:

  • I start being frustrated with my children for disrupting me/intruding
  • I feel stuck or held back because of my family’s desire to spend time with me
  • When I slip into doubts about who I am and my worth as a human without your children

If these thoughts or feeling start showing up in my life it’s a red light telling me to stop and really evaluate how I’m spending my time.

How do you balance being there for your children while setting and achieving personal goals? How do ensure your energy as well as steering the family ship in an empowering direction? Leave us your comments!

BeBrave

The power of “I am” and putting things on repeat

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Repeat

She reaches across the table and accidentally tip over her glass, water flowing out over the table. She feels frustration and shame shoot through her body and I hear her exclaim “What an idiot I am, I’m so clumsy!”. I was sitting reading at a café, next to a mother and her two boys. The scene continued as a young man from the staff came over to help clean the table. The mother was clearly uncomfortable with the extra attention that the busboy brought and I could tell she’d rather managed it by herself.

The words you allow to follow “I am” will become part of you

Humans lead with belief, which means that what you believe will steer your actions. What you believe about yourself, about who you are and what kind of things you do will set the boundaries of what you will consider doing. If you say that you are someone who can’t draw, chances are slim that you’ll pick up a brush. In fact, your brain will even work against you should you be willing to give it one more try. Your brain want to support you in staying consistent with your identity and will “help” you focus on all the details proving how you can’t draw.

Words have tremendous power. They can be used to lift someone up, to give hope or to demonstrate love. Just writing the words “I love you”, “I’m sorry” or “I’m proud of you” fills me with strong feelings. They can also be used for pain and for shaming or isolating people. Sentences such as “You’re worthless”, “I hate you” or “Who do you think you are?” will hurt even the strongest.

The words you say to yourself are the strongest ones of all and particularly the words you let follow the phrase “I am”. These words will create ad describe your identity.

I wondered if the mother at the café had always believed she was a clumsy person and how often she experienced proof of that. If I’d asked her, at another time when she hadn’t just spilled something, would she say that she was always clumsy? That it was just part of who she was? I thought about how that belief got started in her. Was being clumsy something she’d been told as a child by someone else or had she made that up on her own?

Sometimes identity comes from outside as a taunt disguised as a joke

A friend of a friend of mine, single mother, two children, has recently introduced a new partner into their family life. It’s a man that, as far as I can tell, really has deep feelings for both the woman and her kids. I’ve seen both the children and the man spontaneously give each other warm hugs and I’ve watched the children turn to him with questions and for advice. It seems like the new family dynamic has brought more love and laughter.

I wouldn’t question his commitment to help impact these kids in a positive direction. If asked I think he would proclaim his caring for them as well as his belief in their personalities and abilities.

So I was surprised and caught off guard when I heard him jokingly say to the son “You’re such a loser dude, you’ll never amount to much in this world!”. It was said with humor and clearly as a way to tease him and by the lack of reaction from the son I take it wasn’t the first time something like that was said. The son didn’t seem to care much, just shrugged his shoulders and kept to whatever he was doing.

 Repeating something makes it true

I think that children are born optimistic and with a willingness to try new things. They aren’t easily dissuaded by setbacks or “failure”. How could they ever learn to crawl or walk if they were? The inherent belief that I can do anything if I just keep trying is what makes babies such quick learners. Sometime along the way a child will eventually be confronted by other people’s judgment. It can be by parents, grandparents or teachers. As they grow into teenagers, friends and peers will possibly have huge power to impact their identity.

The words following you are, given by people you care about, will define your identity almost as much as your own words following I am.

Every time you repeat something you strengthen that belief a little more. It’s a physical thing. The same way that your body gets better at what it repeatedly does so does your thoughts become more and more easily activated when you repeat them. It’s alike a jukebox set on repeat. The same record playing over and over. In time all you have to do is get it started and the song will play all the way through again and again.

Famous coach Jim Rohn said “Every day stand guard at the door of your mind” and I believe it’s one of the most important things you can do.

Keep guard of the things you let in from the outside and be even more vigilant about the words you hear from the inside.

Becoming aware of your identity – both empowering and limiting

Knowing how you view yourself, your identity, is powerful. Knowing is power because knowing lets you change the things you want to change and use your strengths purposely.

To identify your beliefs about yourself set aside some time and bring out your pen and paper. Some people find this exercise hard. Some are too hard on themselves and can’t find anything good to write. But some people have dug their limiting beliefs so far down inside that it’s hard to allow them to come out. If you’re coming up short with “negative” identity traits you’re in this category. If you are, then sit back, breathe and know that whatever comes up you can handle. Your mind will give you truth on a level that you are ready for.

You might start by reading these following sentences. See if you can remember a time when you’ve said something similar:

“I am such a loser, why do I have to be so shy, I’ll never be outgoing enough to make friends..”

“I am so clumsy, I always screw things up, no one will ever want to play with me..”

“Even when I know I shouldn’t I eat to much, I am weak, I’m fat and ugly..”

Then write the following sentences and ask your subconscious to give you the true answers so you can uncover strong truths as well as lingering limiting beliefs.

  • “I am…”
  • “Unfortunately I am also someone who…”
  • “My parents always said I was…”
  • “Luckily I am someone who…”
  • “I’m proud that I am…”

Finish each sentence with as many beliefs you can find. Whatever comes up is okey, just let it out on paper.

BeBrave

Moving life into an upward or downward spiral

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spiral

Life is always moving. You might have heard “Either you’re growing or you’re dying”. It can be depicted by a spiral. Either you’re on your way up, letting positive actions, feelings, results lift you higher and higher or you’re in a downward spiral. When you’re going down everything is hard. Taking action becomes difficult, your self-esteem dwindle, your feelings get darker and your results are unsatisfactory.

Keeping an eye on the small steps that matter

Changing direction in the spiral can occasionally be initiated by a single event that instantaneously and fundamentally change how you perceive your life. Usually however, there are a number of seemingly insignificant changes that add up to a new impression of life quality. You don’t wake up one day in a happy life and say “Today I’m going to ruin my life”. Nor do you wake up from a depression and skip into a happy future due to some single event. The steps in the spiral are usually slow when you’re changing direction, but pick up speed when you manage to take several steps in the same direction in a row. You get momentum.

When judging life quality it’s important to remember that everyday matters. Life is made up of the years, weeks and days you live. Your personal assessment, of the quality of your life, is usually based on how you feel about your life today. Even if you’ve had a splendid year so far, if you’re miserable today due to an illness or painful failure, you’ll still feel negative towards your life. Luckily it’s the same the other way around. If you’ve been really low for the last two weeks and your best friend comes by and you spend a couple of hours laughing, all of sudden your life feels so much lighter. Humans tend to give the temporary feeling they’re in disproportionate influence when judging their quality of life.

So keeping an eye on the small steps in the spiral that will change your direction in the spiral is important, and the best way to assess your direction is to do a daily check in. Am I moving in the direction I want to?

The momentum is boosted from another circular theory

Circle of beliefs

The Circle of Belief is part of the concept of the spiral. The Circle of Belief describes how your actions impact your results that in turn impact the belief about yourself and your abilities that in turn influence how you feel and so on. If you imagine tipping the Circle down horizontally you can stretch it out into an eternal spiral. The entry point is not important. The wonderful fact is that no matter where you enter the spiral you can impact the direction depending on how you manage that entry point. There are many possible entry points but if you find one that works the other steps will come more automatically 🙂

Hacking the Circle of belief is something I’ve been researching for a long time. Three years ago I was a firm believer that the primary entry point was through Belief. I relished the idea of planting strong Beliefs and I took pride in removing the weed. I still believe that understanding your limiting beliefs so you can work out strategies that counter them is important. But I’ve come to appreciate how strong the entry point of Action can be.

One way to change the wiring in your brain is to replace it. Instead of spending time on dismantling a disempowering belief you can repeat a new empowering one. If you change your behavior and stubbornly repeat it your brain will start to shift and soon the new actions will give you new feelings that eventually will impact your beliefs. Your brain will create a new wiring in your brain by your actions alone.

How can you use action as entry point to turn the direction of your spiral?

  • Use your ability to fantasize.
    Humans are believed to be the only animal that can use its’ imagination to actually fool one’s own brain. Practice creating the feeling of joy and you will actually get better and better at feeling it. Create the feeling to teach your body and brain how to feel it.
    A word of caution here – I’m not recommending you to fake joy in terms of saying your happy even though you feel depressed. Faking a smile can be really powerful but pretending to be happy while hiding hurt inside is in-congruent and dangerous.What I’m referring to here is using your memory and ability to fantasize to get to your actual feelings. How would feeling happy look and sound like?
  • Change your posture
    If you’re sitting in a meeting and you want to feel intrigued instead of bored. Try sitting up straight, lean forward and intentionally put a look of interest on your face. The person talking will notice your attention and get a new feeling towards you and you will most likely get another feeling as well.Other forms of using your body is to dance or do power poses.
  • Use the ”action” of meditation
    This summer after reading You are the Placebo and Becoming Supernatural by Dr Joe Dispenza I decided to try meditation. I’ve tried a few different strategies to become more mindful but this time I found something that I feel really helps.
    Meditation requires action. You need to take back control over your minds habit of wandering, constantly bring your awareness back from wherever it slips off to. Every time you manage to bring yourself back to the now you’ve succeeded in building that habit. Mediation is teaching your brain to let go of old thought patterns.

Entry points doesn’t matter as much as direction does

David J. Schwartz said “You have to act yourself into a right way of thinking and feeling, rather than try to think and feel yourself into a right way of acting”.

I’ve come to appreciate the potential of Action as a tool for getting better results. The distinction of better results are the ones that give me a feeling of pride and daily progress. Moving upwards in the spiral is infinitely more fun than going down.

What actions do you take when you need to change the direction of your spiral?

BeBrave

How thick is the veil between your instinct and objective truth?

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instinct

“Go with your gut instinct” people say and I believe it’s sound advice. Your higher self, often hidden in your subconscious doing battle with your lower self, already know the best course of action to take from where you are. But I’ve learnt to be cautious with my definition of instinct. The urge, originating from my belly area, to eat something sweet is NOT a gut instinct worth following.

I believe the phenomenon, named instinct, is your ability to connect to your aggregated knowledge. It’s a way to describe how everything you’ve ever heard or seen is stored within you and how your brain can put things together in a way that your conscious mind usually isn’t capable of.

Learning to tap into your instinct is a powerful tool for making progress and reaching your goals.

Sometimes it’s not instinct that pulls your strings

In some cases instinct is something that you might rightfully call fear. When an antelope looks up from the grass and senses a threat, chances are that there’s in fact a lioness crawling near. The feeling you get as a woman walking a dark street, in a rough area, is also fear/instinct. You are in fact in danger and your body knows it. This kind of instinct, the one that saves you when you’re truly threatened, we’ll call legitimate fear.

So left is the fear that doesn’t serve us. The feelings you get when your body believes you are threatened because of the thoughts you think. Picture your boss or coworker giving you negative feedback on your project, you putting on a new dress but go completely unnoticed by your spouse or your children coming home with bad report cards. If your thoughts turn negative in these situations your body will interpret them as threats to your safety and you will feel fear. It’s easy to interpret that fear as instinct and subsequently believe you should act on it.

Making decisions, even to speak, from an instinct based on this unreliable fear will not serve you.

Another emotion that can be falsely interpreted as helpful instinct is laziness. “I don’t feel like doing this or that or anything today”. You might tell yourself that it’s better to rest today and you might be right! But sometimes the laziness comes from having impotent goals. Your instinct to rest comes from not knowing what to work on.

Is your instinct based on objective truth?

Your body uses fear to “help” you stay alive. The brain also has some tricks that serve us in an evolutionary perspective but not always in the short term lifespan of a human. The tricks I’m referring to here are “biases” that our brains have evolved that impact our way of interpreting the world and our instincts.

Here are a few defined by Wikipedia:

A bias is disproportionate weight in favor of or against one thing, person, or group compared with another, usually in a way considered to be unfair.

  • Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms your preexisting belief.
  • You’re more inclined to believe something if it rhymes. Rhyme as reason-effect.
  • Response bias (also called survey bias) is the tendency of a person to answer questions on a survey untruthfully or misleadingly. For example, they may feel pressure to give answers that are socially acceptable

I found this poster valuable when researching biases: http://www.visualcapitalist.com/18-cognitive-bias-examples-mental-mistakes/

Biases are like mental shortcuts that help us make rapid decisions. If we didn’t use them we’d be slowed down considerably. It’s good to know about biases to mitigate the risks involved when acting according to them.

Another factor to consider, when learning to trust or distrust your instinct, is how it’s impacted by your surroundings. The culture and time period, the climate and current trends, the religious and political arena all impact your decisions. There are a couple of cool renditions describing how these surroundings have changes for humans. Look at them and ask yourself if people in different time periods, during these different circumstances, would develop different instincts.

Values – World Value survey: https://youtu.be/ABWYOcru7js

Human population through time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUwmA3Q0_OE

How can you become aware of your programming?

Since your personal experiences has led to the knowledge stored in your mind, your intuition will be different for you than others intuition will be for them. You mind is programmed according to your specific circumstances. Your childhood, fears, peer group, time and cultural surroundings will impact your intuition.

Decisions based on objective truth is preferred over letting biased half truths push you in a direction you’re unaware of. But how can you become aware of the programming you have and when to trust your instinct?

Here are some suggestions:

  • Spend time with people that you usually don’t spend time with and travel to new places. This will open your eyes to how your surroundings impact you.
  • Read about the brain and about biases – knowledge creates awareness
  • Define and learn to recognize when you’re “mentally stable”. The definition for me is when I’m breathing calmly, I feel love or joy instead of irritation or sadness. If I’m rehearsing conversations with the intention to WIN instead of focusing on the desired positive win-win outcome I’m also not there. Mentally stable means you’re not driven by unsupporting thoughts or feelings.

 

BeBrave

Leadership in a family setting – who’s the locomotive?

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Leadership

What does leadership look like in a family context? Who is the leader in your household? Do you want your children to do as you say and follow your lead?

Some years ago, during a lecture on leadership in a corporate setting, I heard the metaphor of the locomotive. It made a strong impression on me and I decided to make a visual trigger of it to remind myself of the theory. I made a special order to a sliver smith and got a pendant to wear.

The locomotive as a metaphor for leadership

The story went something like this: “Imagine that you’re the locomotive, the one who’s going in front and leading the way. If you want the wagons to follow, you must make sure they’re thoroughly coupled before you set of. Since wagons don’t move by themselves you have to be the one backing up to them. You have to find them and go to them, in the railway yard or elsewhere, and make it possible to connect to you.

Don’t stand there on the track shouting to wagons to come join you. Don’t expect wagons to be able to move on their own. Wagons are explicitly made to carry things and people, not to provide power or chose direction.”

Who’s the locomotive or the wagon in a situation might differ depending on the skillset required and the people involved. Neither position is better than the other, both functions are needed for the train to perform according to design. The story highlights however that there are different skillsets needed for the locomotive and for the wagon.

Stepping up and accepting the role as locomotive

In her book, Kids are worth it!, Barbara Coloroso describes three different types of parenting styles; backbone, brick-wall and jellyfish. The backbone family is the preferred style. It’s based on the idea that families’ fare best when parents lead from their backbones; guided by clear, communicated beliefs and accepting responsibility for defining rules and following through on them.

Stepping up front is sometimes scary. You’re vulnerable and the people around you depend on you. The more often you take the lead the more comfortable you’ll get. As with anything it comes down to practice. About 8 years ago I was appointed a management position at work. I found myself confronted by a number of uncomfortable situations where others looked to me for direction. I remember a specific challenge we had regarding sales.

As in many companies our employees were struggling with the concept of sales. They felt like they were trying to fool our customers into buying our services. I knew I had to change this culture. We needed to believe the truth, that we were solving problems, that what we did brought true value. I also needed to show them how fun sales can be. I decided to do some role playing.

My employees got the role of customer and I was our company’s sales person. They prepared a devil’s advocate case and then we got started. It was scary and I was nervous but we worked through it all. I believe that I earned respect for showing up and being willing to stumble and learn in real time together with my colleagues.

Stepping up front in a family setting can be setting a fixed time for when your kids should be in bed. It can be deciding that you’re limiting candy consumption or screen time.

Make sure the wagons are coupled safely before setting out

The story of the train describes both the need for someone to take on the role of the locomotive, either as a parent or in a work environment, and the need for the locomotive to enable the coupling of the wagons.

I used to get frustrated with my kids when they wouldn’t listen to me. People at work should follow my suggestions and when they didn’t I felt personally insulted. I expected people around me to not only understand me but to automatically comply with my wishes and ideas. Yeah, sounds more like a dictator than a diplomat, I know. I was definitely acting as a wannabe locomotive standing there on the rail, ready to push forward, hollering to potential wagons to come join me.

I felt it was unnecessary to explain my vision. If people didn’t see it then they were not the right people. Now I know it had more to do with me being unwilling to be vulnerable in sharing my vision. What if people didn’t want to join me because they didn’t like my ideas?

I’ve come to accept that with the role of locomotive comes the unavoidable task of “selling” and explaining. It takes conscious effort to think through arguments that will inspire my children and coworkers to connect to my ideas and join me for the ride. The strongest couplings are made when the wagons latch on due to a shared belief and desire.

Even if it’s taken some imagination we’ve made even bedtimes, screen time limitations and sugar restrictions into accepted agreements. I’ve taken my time explaining my reasoning, painting a picture of the goal filling it with positive possibilities and voiced my strong beliefs and dreams for our family.

Do you want to practice the role of the locomotive?

Not everyone feel comfortable taking on the leadership role and there are plenty of situations where you don’t have to. But as a parent you need to practice being the locomotive. Your children look to you for guidance and instructions.

Here are some possible steps to help you practice:

  1. Pick a specific situation you want to practice/change. It can be a situation where, in the past, you’ve not stepped up front as the locomotive or a situation where you feel you’ve not managed to convince your family yet.
  2. Step into the leadership role. Take some time alone to think through the situation. What is your desired result? What does the people involved want out of this situation?
  3. Practice selling your vision
    • Explain the challenge in respectful terms
    • Paint a vision that inspire and commit yourself truly to your goal
    • Make a plan together – it’s easier to commit to a plan you’ve been part of creating

The most effective way to lead is still by your own actions but remember the impact of “selling” your vision. Committing emotionally and out loud to your dreams will ease the way for your wagons to connect.

BeBrave

Den viktigaste förebilden är du!

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Apple

I have a returning guest writer on my Blog today. I asked my daughter Linnea what she thinks would be an important topic for me to write on. We talked back and forth and she ended up writing her own piece. Enjoy 🙂

Jag känner min mamma och kan tänka mig att hon har skrivit om det här redan. Men jag som barn vill berätta om hur jag ser det från mitt perspektiv och understryka hur viktigt det faktiskt är. Du kanske har hört uttrycket ”äpplet faller inte långt från trädet” eller ”sådan far, sådan son”? Det är två ordspråk som stämmer väldigt bra då den viktigaste förebilden en människa har är… tja, du.Role-model

Mer än något annat tar din dotter/son efter dig och lär sig reagera på olika situationer i livet efter hur du själv reagerar. Om hen till exempel snubblar över något och ramlar när de är små så kommer det första hen gör vara att vända sig till dig och se hur du reagerar. Om du skriker och springer fram till hen är chansen stor att barnet genast tolkar det som hänt som något farligt, och kanske även börjar gråta. Om du däremot, tar ditt förnuft till fånga och tänker att hen knappt är en meter lång och inte kan ha skadat sig allvarligt, och istället för att se orolig ut, ler till ditt barn och glatt säger ”Kom igen. Upp, igen!” så kommer barnet förstå att det inte är något farligt, ”mamma och pappa verkade ju inte särskilt oroliga.”

Dina rädslor går i arv

Visste du att ett barn bara föds med två rädslor? Det är höga ljud och snabba rörelser. Resten av rädslorna utvecklas allteftersom ditt barn växer. Som jag sa så kommer ditt barn titta på dig för att få en uppfattning om hur hen ska reagera i alla situationer, och hur du agerar kan bli avgörande för barnets utveckling. Om du till exempel är rädd för att flyga och inte är noggrann med att inte visa det för ditt barn kommer även hen att utveckla en rädsla för att flyga. Så var väldigt försiktig med vilka sidor av dig själv du delar med dig av till ditt barn när hen är i sina yngsta år.

Mina tips till dig som förälder

Håll översikt. Ditt barn tar inte bara efter dig utan alla i hens omgivning. Hon/han är helt ovetande om livet och hur hen ska reagera i olika situationer och kommer försöka hämta information från alla möjliga källor. Så håll översikt över vilka filmer och videor ditt barn kollar på och vem han/hon umgås med. I början när de är små och precis lärt sig språket är det extra viktigt med vilka filmer han/hon tittar på till exempel. Min personliga favoritfilm när jag var liten var Pingu. En pingvin i lera som inte tjänade något syfte eller lärde ut någonting förutom att underhålla när han sprang omkring i sitt isiga hem. Mitt tips är att istället för att visa sånna filmer vars enda syfte är att underhålla, visa filmer som har ett dolt budskap eller en lärdom som huvudrollen får i slutet. Det behöver inte vara så komplicerat. Det kan vara nästan vilken film som helst.

Ha uppsikt över vad ditt barn kollar på och vem de umgås med tills de är gamla nog för att själva förstå vilka människor det bör vara. Visa hen videor du tycker är bra och berätta om människor du tittat på/läst om. Berätta hur bra du tycker att de är och varför, ditt barn kommer omedvetet bli intresserat av att kolla på det du berättar om, så berätta bara om sånt du vill att ditt barn ska titta på. Om det är väldigt litet är det ännu lättare eftersom du som förälder kan kontrollera vilka filmer era barn tittar på, men när de bli äldre och kanske börjar titta på Youtube blir det svårare. Du får se till att tills dess ha lärt barnet vad som är bra att titta på.

Uppfostra hen medvetet

Du måste vara medveten om att ditt barn tar efter dig och uppfostra hen utefter det. Var noga med att inte säga till hen hur den ska vara och bete sig. Uppfostra henne/han inte som en flicka eller pojke utan som människa och se till att hen inte faller in i de normer som finns idag. Låt ditt barn titta på filmer som är inriktade till både tjejer och killar och klä inte hen som det ena eller det andra. Låt hen känna sig fri att vara som han/hon vill. Kom ihåg att det barn du tittar på är en människa och ett liv och ta chansen att forma hen till någon hen kan vara stolt över.

Fokusera lika mycket på dig själv som människa som på din dotter/son. Ditt barn tar mer efter hur du är än vad du säger. Försök vara en så bra människa du kan och förklara för ditt barn vad du tycker är rätt och bra och varför. Om du är flygrädd så förklara att det bara är du som har den rädslan och att alla människor inte har det. Förklara att det inte är farligt med flygplan egentligen och se till att din dotter/son inte sitter bredvid dig eller nån annan flygrädd under resan.

//Linnea

BeBrave

Can you teach a child to become an entrepreneur?

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Literacy

I’ve recently written a few blog posts about finances and how one can talk to children about money. I believe it’s a subject we need to talk about and research at home. This time I thought I’d try to introduce the concept of “financial literacy” as well as a few basic ideas about supporting a young entrepreneur.

Financial literacy – getting comfortable talking in terms of money

Have you ever been in a situation where people have been talking about something that you feel you don’t quite understand? Some people jump into such conversations, seemingly without a thought as to how they might look to others, and eagerly start asking questions. I applaud such behavior and I encourage it in myself and in my children, but it’s not always easy. I hesitate to show my ignorance at times and I know it’s my fixed mindset rearing its ugly head.

But how are you ever going to become better if you never learn new things?

According to Wikipedia, Financial literacy means: “the possession of the set of skills and knowledge that allows an individual to make informed and effective decisions with all of their financial resources.”

I thought finances was boring and difficult to understand. So many words and terms that sounded important and complicated. But when I decided that I wanted to understand it, and committed myself to become a student again, I realized it was easier than I expected.

Start with the basic stuff; Money and the value of it, banks, bank accounts, credit cards and debit cards and cash machines. You probably know those terms already but have you talked to your children about them? Maybe search Youtube to look for videos that can help visualize, https://youtu.be/AjTwcQYgISA

Next comes terms like income, expenses, interest and investments. Other terms that could be beneficial to look into are; passive income, financial security and financial freedom. When it comes to investing, which will be interesting for older children, see what you can research together. Look for information on risk-reward ratio, fundamental analysis as well as ROI and exit plan.

When you feel you got the hang of these concepts, test your understanding by teaching them to your children. When you can explain something so that someone else understands it, the theory becomes truly yours.

Create money

So now that you know about money, as a concept, how can you create more of it?

Money is given in exchange for something that the buyer believes is valuable. Different people need/want different things. The trick is to find the right combination of products/services and the right kind of people that will value them. It sounds simple on paper right? Well, that’s because it is! You need to figure out a product or a service that you can provide to the exact people that wants to pay money for it.

It’s simple but not easy. It’s like with everything in life, if it were easy then everyone would be doing it. 🙂 You need to become a very curious and tenacious detective.

Start by asking and answering these types of questions:

  • What seems to be a problem to the people around me? What does people talk about as problems in their life? Is there something that seems to be a burden even if they don’t talk about it?
  • When does the problem appear? At specific times/days/situations?
  • Have anyone tried to solve these problems before and can I learn from that and do it even better?
  • How can I find out what people would be willing to pay for having this problem solved?

Children catch on quickly to knowledge and they don’t have the same restrictions as adults do. Don’t be surprised if your children start applying their new knowledge in creative and sometimes completely unrealistic ways.

Supporting a budding entrepreneur

Every experiment they do will teach them and deepen their understanding. Encourage every idea that comes up and participate without taking over. If you can lend your enthusiasm to the endeavor your child will anchor a positive feeling towards trying new ideas. Help them when they ask for help and only with what they ask for.

I don’t believe entrepreneurship is the only way to find fulfillment or to make money. Being an entrepreneur is one way, seeking employment at a company or organization is another. Using the “problem solving”-focus is an effective tool for deciding on career options regardless. For example it might be good to evaluate the company you want to join in terms of what problems they are solving. If they don’t know and understand the solutions they are providing for their customers there’s a high risk that this company won’t be around for long.

Being an entrepreneur isn’t better than taking up position as an employee. Having said that, I believe kids are exceptionally equipped to think entrepreneurially and I think the future job market will reward that way of thinking. If you want to support your children into this way of thinking there is a possible trap worth to consider.

When your child is young the closest people they know are you and your extended family. There’s a big chance that you will be considered the first potential customer. Maybe your kids, or your relative’s kids, have been trying to sell you things to earn money for some school activity? My kids wanted to bake cookies and sell to me so that we could have cookies for snacks at home. Very smart – two birds in one stone – they’d get money and yummy snacks 😉

Supporting a budding entrepreneur in a family setting

Parents and family members are the perfect customers to get a first great win in an entrepreneurial journey. But we’re not representative to customers in scale. We have a relationship to our kids that needs to be clarified. Our relationship is based on love and connection and money isn’t part of that. Money shouldn’t be offered as a sign of love or as a substitute for connection. If the love and connection is there then you won’t feel conflicted to simply say “no thanks” if your 7 year old asks to sell you a necklace she’s made.

There’s also a risk of losing focus from encouraging your children when they come up with great ideas to solve some problem you have. You might feel that your child should want to do this service for you for free. You might feel that as a family member your child is selfish if she tries to “take advantage of” your situation. If this is the case you will benefit from defining your expectations for how you interact as a family beforehand. Make your specific family rules for “helping out” clear together.

When your child approaches you with a “sales offer”, teach her to ask about what the value would be for you. Sometimes you might say “It would be really nice to get that thing or that service but I’m not willing to pay for it”. Be clear about what you value so that your child can get an understanding of how customers think.

Above all, if you want to foster an inquisitive problem solver, you’ll benefit most from encouraging the very act of coming up with the ideas and for acting on them.

As always..

BeBrave

Arm your child with the ability to shield herself from anger

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Anger

“Mom, I don’t like my teacher anymore!” Her comment took me by surprise since I knew she’d been really enthusiastic over the new teacher all year long. I asked her what was going on and she explained that there were some trouble makers in school. The situation had worsened lately and the teacher is often angry in class. She knew she wasn’t the intended target, and that she’d done nothing wrong, but she still felt his irritation get to her. “I feel really sad and guilty when he gets angry, even when it’s not at me”.

Is your child impacted when someone displays anger even when it’s not directed straight at her?

The frequency of emotions

When you have a thought and give it a meaning it will trigger an accompanying emotion. This emotion is felt in your body as energy. It is in fact, now scientifically proven, energy emitted in the form of a frequency wave. The statement “the tension in the room was palpable” is not just a saying anymore. If you test it on yourself you’ll realize what difference there is in feeling different emotions. Imagine being exhilarated and enthusiastic and pay attention to how light this feeling feels. Now compare it to how you feel when you step into anger or jealousy. The negative emotions has a lower frequency and draws you down closer to matter than the more energy filled positive emotions.

Someone who is holding in anger, consciously or out of habit, hiding it behind a forced smile will still be sending at the anger frequency. Since the person isn’t displaying the feeling outwardly people around them will start to feel uneasy. To a child this will feel like an approaching thunder storm, they will prepare for lightning to strike from a clear sky. And lightning is loud and scary.

When anger comes from within the family

As parents we are the first line of reason that children use to make sense of the world. They turn to us to test how to react to the daily situations they’re subjected to. They rely on us as a source of comfort and support. When children get scared they count on us to tell them it’s okay. They need us to hold them and to help them calm back down. We are the ones reassuring them that whatever happens they are never at risk of being abandoned to manage for themselves.

By talking through tough situations, with a trusted adult, children can make sense of scary situations, understand and let go of them. Children rely on us to help them handle other people’s anger. So it’s a double burden on them when the anger comes from us. Not only are they subjected to thunder and lightning at home, the place where they should be completely safe, they’ve also lost the help to unravel the tangled emotions that brings.

Children are naturally egocentric and make everything about themselves. If their parent is upset it’s more than likely that the child will believe it’s their fault. That somehow they’re the cause of the upset, anger or frustration. Children of easily angered parents will often try to find solutions to reduce the risk of that anger. Some become hypersensitive and shy, others start acting like a clown. Some do everything they possibly can to “be good” and do “the right thing”

So what can you do?

If your child is effected by other people’s anger, there are some tricks you can teach her. The first thing is to help her figure out if the situation really was directed at her. I believe in arming my children with the knowledge of how their brain works so I’ve literally told them about how they will have a bias towards feeling that everything is their fault.

By understanding how their own brain works they can find it easier to distance themselves from the situation. Tell your child to prepare for the next time someone gets angry around her. Tell her to start by asking herself if the anger is really directed at her. If it’s not, then instruct her to make a move with her arm as if something passes over her head and to say out loud-  “It’s not aimed at me! It’s swishing by! Swish!”

shield

I’ve also told my daughter about her “magic shield”. If she feels anger, or any other uncomfortable feeling emanating from someone, she can push the button. It’s placed in the center of her chest, activating a magic, invisible shield around her entire body. The shield is like an umbrella, impenetrable, keeping the storm and rain out and her safe and dry inside.

Depending on the age and maturity of the child, as well as the severity of the situations she’s impacted by, you can develop the story of the shield.

The use of the story is off course only advisable as a complement to making sure she’s safe. If there’s someone who repeatedly fires outbursts of anger around her it might be better to remove her from that situation. If the situations are less frequent and manageable with the help of the shield then the story has a valuable part 2.

The shield can do more than keep you safe

People do the best they can under the circumstances they’re in. I truly believe that and I try my best to teach this life view to my children. As a consequence I believe that people aren’t bad, only that they make bad decisions. Choosing to think this way gives me power to stay open to people that are acting badly. I don’t close myself of in defense so it’s easier to stay smart. This helps me to imagine the hidden pain that might be the reason for the anger.

If your child has learnt to differ between the idea of understanding people so she can stay smart, versus letting people be mean to her, you can add translation magic to the shield.

If you listen closely the shield will translate the angry words into the real reasons to why someone is angry. Angry words like “Gah, why did you have to spill that glass of water!? You are so clumsy!” is translated to “Gah! I’m sooo tired and stressed about work tonight and my back hurts and I just can’t bear getting down mopping that right now.”

Understanding why someone is angry doesn’t excuse the behavior and it’s always important to support your child in standing up for herself. Encourage her to be clear about her boundaries.

If you need help with managing your anger

If you know you have trouble keeping your own thunder and lightning at bay, I encourage you do everything in your power to change. And while you’re improving your ability to keep your cool, you can lower the negative impact on your children, by talking about it. If you let them in on what’s going on, ask for forgiveness when and if you fail, you’re all of a sudden on the plus side. Not only are you stepping up as the responsible parent taking full ownership of your mess, you’re also demonstrating how to ask for forgiveness.

All of us mess up! We’re all a work in progress. When we know and can do better I believe we do. Don’t let anger live within the walls of your home.

BeBrave

Is resting a waste of time or crucial for your success?

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Resting

“I’ll spend long days in my hammock just resting and doing absolutely nothing!”

It was the answer I got when I asked a colleague how she was going to spend her vacation. In a few heart beats I went through emotions and thoughts ranging from envy to judgement to hope and ending up in gratitude. In just that short sentence she’d freed me up to consider resting as a completely reasonable and valid choice.

Be mindful of the definition of the “what” you choose to do

Resting has always had a negative connotation to me. That is because resting has been anchored to sitting still, watching TV, maybe drinking some wine and enjoying a respite from life’s perceived “musts”. Someone said watching TV was a way to escape the goals they never set. Sitting still watching TV or talking about nonsense made my nerves stand on edge. I got irritable, tense and eventually I had to get up and do something.

One might think this has served me well. Avoiding TV and getting things done would appear to be an irrefutable good thing. It also resonates with the high achievers mantra of “always working hard and long”. But resting is crucial for long term success. If you don’t let your body, mind and soul rest and recharge you will break sooner or later. Always pushing works for a really long time, right up until it doesn’t any more. And then when you fall you fall hard.

I needed to change my view on resting. The first change was the definition of the activity in itself. It needed to be changed from “wasting time” to “loving and caring for myself”. The second was to change the actual activity I was doing while I was resting. I couldn’t get watching inane TV shows to mean I was loving myself no matter how hard I tried.

What does the word resting trigger within you?

My colleague at work, who was planning to spend a week or two in her hammock, is someone I know and respect. She delivers high value, she works hard and committed and I admire her. When she, with such certainty and obviousness, gave herself permission, to do what outwardly appeared as nothing, she led the way for me. All of a sudden I could look at my life and consider what resting would mean to me.

How about you? Do you get enough rest in your life? What would be a truly restorative activity for you? It’s not always easy to uncover since it can be very different depending on the individual and on the circumstances. Sometimes there’s an available shortcut to finding out things about yourself by using your feelings towards your peer group.

Close your eyes and picture someone you love being in trouble due to high stress levels and too little rest. Imagine this person not being aware of the need for rest and not seeing the limit of burn out drawing near. If you were to recommend this person some rest, what would you suggest as a truly resting activity?

Active rest is a good start

After redefining rest into something that was necessary, and as taking care of myself, I worked on finding the right resting activities for me.

For a time “active resting” became my crutch. Active rest means you stop whatever you’re doing and switch into something else that is still active. For example going to the gym or cleaning your house. I told myself that I was resting while I still got things done and still felt productive. It was working well for me for a long time but eventually the activities I chose wouldn’t restore me anymore. I’d feel increasingly tired and no matter how much I slept I would still wake up without energy. I came to accept that there were still some layers to this resting idea.

You need to restore yourself both physically and mentally. Sometimes your body needs actual sleep and stillness. Laying down, breathing deeply and calmly will start the repairing processes in your body. The same goes for your mind. If you spend most of your day trying to solve problems, analyzing situations and making tough decisions your mind needs time to center back into stillness.

Rest yourself into success

If you want to argue, that you don’t have time to rest, then think about the time you’ll be wasting when you’ve burned out. Also consider how much smarter you are when you are at your best. Making smarter decisions and working on the right things will move you forward faster than just grinding away at random things.

There’s another argument for resting properly. The feelings you experience on a daily basis will determine how you perceive the quality of your life. If you spend every day on the edge of energy deficit you will soon start to perceive your life as too tough and tiresome. It’s just no fun living without energy and vitality.

How would your life change if you made resting a natural part of you day and as a result you freed up more energy?

BeBrave

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