Skillset Children

How do you feel about you when you’re alone?

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Alone

What feelings gets triggered in you by this blog posts picture? It’s a woman walking along a beach, the sun is coming up or just about to set. It’s dark and she’s alone. In your opinion, what is she feeling?

Being alone versus feeling lonely

To me there is a difference between being by myself and being lonely. The feeling of being lonely ranges from boredom to intense “I can’t take living this way-anxiety”. The corrosive lonely feeling that creeps up on me when I haven’t connected to my loved ones in too long is debilitating. I’ve learnt pay attention to my thoughts and when I recognize the thought patterns of “I feel so alone” combined with sorrow or sadness I know I have to take immediate action. The cure is difficult because it’s counterproductive to what my instinct tells me to do. I need to reach out to the people I love and let them see me when all I want to do is close down and self sooth with massive amounts of sugar and bad TV.

Being alone, now and then, on the other hand is something I love! When I get a whole day or the absolute luxury of an entire week of vacation by myself I feel pure delight. Maybe it’s a natural reaction to the limit on hours to yourself that comes with choosing to have children 😀

Loving spending time alone is a relatively new thing for me. When I was younger being alone was scary and uncomfortable. Left without the diversion of other humans I was confronted by my inner voice. Nowhere to run, no one to distract me from hearing my not very comfortable thoughts.  

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

What does the person looking back at you from the mirror say about you? If you take the time, lock the door so you won’t be disturbed and look deep into those eyes. What thoughts are bubbling up in your mind? I’ve avoided the woman in my bathroom mirror at times. She knows me too well and her BS-meter is fine tuned to my excuses. She knows everything I’ve ever done or said and she holds a pretty high standard for “acceptable”.

Sometimes, when she’s too tough on me, I need to talk some sense into her. I know she pressures me because she believes in me and knows I have it in me to do good things. She loves me and want to make sure I act according to my values. It’s just that sometimes she’s a bit harsh.

Someone once told me that I should talk to myself the way I would talk to a beloved friend. I liked the idea but the concept really hit home once I became a mother. I love my girls more than anything and I would never talk to or judge them the way I sometimes do myself.

To me a life well lived is a life where you’ve been happy (and where you’ve, if not actively brought happiness to the people around you, at least not hindered other people’s pursuit of it). I also believe in clues and life’s genius way of rewarding the right behavior. Following the clue of “pride” will lead you toward a life well lived.

By your actions and choices you can make the person, looking back at you from your mirror, feel proud of you. That feeling is unbeatable. It lets you sleep like a baby, wake up happy and confidently move around in the world.

Are you proud of the person you are becoming?

It’s undeniable that our culture inhibits the expression of doing well. In Sweden we have a social norm called the “Jante law” which works on our subconscious to keep us in line. It’s like the Australian concept of “the Tall poppy syndrome”. Cut everyone that stands higher than the rest down to size.

Another testimony of how people begrudge each other happiness is called “The Crab mentality” or “crabs in a bucket”. It’s is a way of thinking best described by the phrase “if I can’t have it, neither can you”. The metaphor refers to a pattern of behavior noted in crabs when they are trapped in a bucket. While any one crab could easily escape, its efforts will be undermined by others, ensuring the group’s collective demise. 

I’ve tested the concept of following your pride on my girls. My youngest said it felt a bit like bragging to say that she was proud of herself and we reasoned about why that is. We came to the conclusion that there are different ways of telling someone that you’re proud of yourself. We also talked about why we want to tell people in the first place. Sometimes it might be even cooler to not tell anyone, it might be even more personal power in being the only one knowing.

Being proud of yourself makes you strong. You will feel pride when you act according to your values and push yourself to do things you doubted to think you could. I want to encourage you to follow this feeling and to empower your children to do the same.

Use this feeling to open some interesting discussions at home. Talk about what makes you proud of yourself, talk about what your children are proud of in themselves.

Feeling at peace being alone with the person in the mirror

For some people seeing the woman walking alone on the beach sparks a lonely feeling. Some people avoid their images in mirrors and fill their lives with noise to drown out their internal voice. I still lose some battles with the woman in the mirror but I’ve changed my experience of spending time alone. The photo of the woman brings me a deep sense of peace and hope. I see a woman enjoying time by herself, someone taking care of herself, taking time to listen to her heart.

I asked my eldest daughter what she saw in this photo. She looked at it for some time and said, in English: “Life – I’m coming for you!”. It filled me with joy and pride.

There is so much I still want to do, experience and achieve. I will never be satisfied with what I’ve been able to provide and give to my children. There are regrets and some wishes of how thing could have been different. But can I say, with deep humility,that I’m proud of the woman I’m becoming? I’m proud of my willingness to try again after failing, of pushing my fixed mindset out the door as often as I can and of how I keep striving for living a life worth living.

BeBrave

The power of “I am” and putting things on repeat

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Repeat

She reaches across the table and accidentally tip over her glass, water flowing out over the table. She feels frustration and shame shoot through her body and I hear her exclaim “What an idiot I am, I’m so clumsy!”. I was sitting reading at a café, next to a mother and her two boys. The scene continued as a young man from the staff came over to help clean the table. The mother was clearly uncomfortable with the extra attention that the busboy brought and I could tell she’d rather managed it by herself.

The words you allow to follow “I am” will become part of you

Humans lead with belief, which means that what you believe will steer your actions. What you believe about yourself, about who you are and what kind of things you do will set the boundaries of what you will consider doing. If you say that you are someone who can’t draw, chances are slim that you’ll pick up a brush. In fact, your brain will even work against you should you be willing to give it one more try. Your brain want to support you in staying consistent with your identity and will “help” you focus on all the details proving how you can’t draw.

Words have tremendous power. They can be used to lift someone up, to give hope or to demonstrate love. Just writing the words “I love you”, “I’m sorry” or “I’m proud of you” fills me with strong feelings. They can also be used for pain and for shaming or isolating people. Sentences such as “You’re worthless”, “I hate you” or “Who do you think you are?” will hurt even the strongest.

The words you say to yourself are the strongest ones of all and particularly the words you let follow the phrase “I am”. These words will create ad describe your identity.

I wondered if the mother at the café had always believed she was a clumsy person and how often she experienced proof of that. If I’d asked her, at another time when she hadn’t just spilled something, would she say that she was always clumsy? That it was just part of who she was? I thought about how that belief got started in her. Was being clumsy something she’d been told as a child by someone else or had she made that up on her own?

Sometimes identity comes from outside as a taunt disguised as a joke

A friend of a friend of mine, single mother, two children, has recently introduced a new partner into their family life. It’s a man that, as far as I can tell, really has deep feelings for both the woman and her kids. I’ve seen both the children and the man spontaneously give each other warm hugs and I’ve watched the children turn to him with questions and for advice. It seems like the new family dynamic has brought more love and laughter.

I wouldn’t question his commitment to help impact these kids in a positive direction. If asked I think he would proclaim his caring for them as well as his belief in their personalities and abilities.

So I was surprised and caught off guard when I heard him jokingly say to the son “You’re such a loser dude, you’ll never amount to much in this world!”. It was said with humor and clearly as a way to tease him and by the lack of reaction from the son I take it wasn’t the first time something like that was said. The son didn’t seem to care much, just shrugged his shoulders and kept to whatever he was doing.

 Repeating something makes it true

I think that children are born optimistic and with a willingness to try new things. They aren’t easily dissuaded by setbacks or “failure”. How could they ever learn to crawl or walk if they were? The inherent belief that I can do anything if I just keep trying is what makes babies such quick learners. Sometime along the way a child will eventually be confronted by other people’s judgment. It can be by parents, grandparents or teachers. As they grow into teenagers, friends and peers will possibly have huge power to impact their identity.

The words following you are, given by people you care about, will define your identity almost as much as your own words following I am.

Every time you repeat something you strengthen that belief a little more. It’s a physical thing. The same way that your body gets better at what it repeatedly does so does your thoughts become more and more easily activated when you repeat them. It’s alike a jukebox set on repeat. The same record playing over and over. In time all you have to do is get it started and the song will play all the way through again and again.

Famous coach Jim Rohn said “Every day stand guard at the door of your mind” and I believe it’s one of the most important things you can do.

Keep guard of the things you let in from the outside and be even more vigilant about the words you hear from the inside.

Becoming aware of your identity – both empowering and limiting

Knowing how you view yourself, your identity, is powerful. Knowing is power because knowing lets you change the things you want to change and use your strengths purposely.

To identify your beliefs about yourself set aside some time and bring out your pen and paper. Some people find this exercise hard. Some are too hard on themselves and can’t find anything good to write. But some people have dug their limiting beliefs so far down inside that it’s hard to allow them to come out. If you’re coming up short with “negative” identity traits you’re in this category. If you are, then sit back, breathe and know that whatever comes up you can handle. Your mind will give you truth on a level that you are ready for.

You might start by reading these following sentences. See if you can remember a time when you’ve said something similar:

“I am such a loser, why do I have to be so shy, I’ll never be outgoing enough to make friends..”

“I am so clumsy, I always screw things up, no one will ever want to play with me..”

“Even when I know I shouldn’t I eat to much, I am weak, I’m fat and ugly..”

Then write the following sentences and ask your subconscious to give you the true answers so you can uncover strong truths as well as lingering limiting beliefs.

  • “I am…”
  • “Unfortunately I am also someone who…”
  • “My parents always said I was…”
  • “Luckily I am someone who…”
  • “I’m proud that I am…”

Finish each sentence with as many beliefs you can find. Whatever comes up is okey, just let it out on paper.

BeBrave

Can you teach a child to become an entrepreneur?

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Literacy

I’ve recently written a few blog posts about finances and how one can talk to children about money. I believe it’s a subject we need to talk about and research at home. This time I thought I’d try to introduce the concept of “financial literacy” as well as a few basic ideas about supporting a young entrepreneur.

Financial literacy – getting comfortable talking in terms of money

Have you ever been in a situation where people have been talking about something that you feel you don’t quite understand? Some people jump into such conversations, seemingly without a thought as to how they might look to others, and eagerly start asking questions. I applaud such behavior and I encourage it in myself and in my children, but it’s not always easy. I hesitate to show my ignorance at times and I know it’s my fixed mindset rearing its ugly head.

But how are you ever going to become better if you never learn new things?

According to Wikipedia, Financial literacy means: “the possession of the set of skills and knowledge that allows an individual to make informed and effective decisions with all of their financial resources.”

I thought finances was boring and difficult to understand. So many words and terms that sounded important and complicated. But when I decided that I wanted to understand it, and committed myself to become a student again, I realized it was easier than I expected.

Start with the basic stuff; Money and the value of it, banks, bank accounts, credit cards and debit cards and cash machines. You probably know those terms already but have you talked to your children about them? Maybe search Youtube to look for videos that can help visualize, https://youtu.be/AjTwcQYgISA

Next comes terms like income, expenses, interest and investments. Other terms that could be beneficial to look into are; passive income, financial security and financial freedom. When it comes to investing, which will be interesting for older children, see what you can research together. Look for information on risk-reward ratio, fundamental analysis as well as ROI and exit plan.

When you feel you got the hang of these concepts, test your understanding by teaching them to your children. When you can explain something so that someone else understands it, the theory becomes truly yours.

Create money

So now that you know about money, as a concept, how can you create more of it?

Money is given in exchange for something that the buyer believes is valuable. Different people need/want different things. The trick is to find the right combination of products/services and the right kind of people that will value them. It sounds simple on paper right? Well, that’s because it is! You need to figure out a product or a service that you can provide to the exact people that wants to pay money for it.

It’s simple but not easy. It’s like with everything in life, if it were easy then everyone would be doing it. 🙂 You need to become a very curious and tenacious detective.

Start by asking and answering these types of questions:

  • What seems to be a problem to the people around me? What does people talk about as problems in their life? Is there something that seems to be a burden even if they don’t talk about it?
  • When does the problem appear? At specific times/days/situations?
  • Have anyone tried to solve these problems before and can I learn from that and do it even better?
  • How can I find out what people would be willing to pay for having this problem solved?

Children catch on quickly to knowledge and they don’t have the same restrictions as adults do. Don’t be surprised if your children start applying their new knowledge in creative and sometimes completely unrealistic ways.

Supporting a budding entrepreneur

Every experiment they do will teach them and deepen their understanding. Encourage every idea that comes up and participate without taking over. If you can lend your enthusiasm to the endeavor your child will anchor a positive feeling towards trying new ideas. Help them when they ask for help and only with what they ask for.

I don’t believe entrepreneurship is the only way to find fulfillment or to make money. Being an entrepreneur is one way, seeking employment at a company or organization is another. Using the “problem solving”-focus is an effective tool for deciding on career options regardless. For example it might be good to evaluate the company you want to join in terms of what problems they are solving. If they don’t know and understand the solutions they are providing for their customers there’s a high risk that this company won’t be around for long.

Being an entrepreneur isn’t better than taking up position as an employee. Having said that, I believe kids are exceptionally equipped to think entrepreneurially and I think the future job market will reward that way of thinking. If you want to support your children into this way of thinking there is a possible trap worth to consider.

When your child is young the closest people they know are you and your extended family. There’s a big chance that you will be considered the first potential customer. Maybe your kids, or your relative’s kids, have been trying to sell you things to earn money for some school activity? My kids wanted to bake cookies and sell to me so that we could have cookies for snacks at home. Very smart – two birds in one stone – they’d get money and yummy snacks 😉

Supporting a budding entrepreneur in a family setting

Parents and family members are the perfect customers to get a first great win in an entrepreneurial journey. But we’re not representative to customers in scale. We have a relationship to our kids that needs to be clarified. Our relationship is based on love and connection and money isn’t part of that. Money shouldn’t be offered as a sign of love or as a substitute for connection. If the love and connection is there then you won’t feel conflicted to simply say “no thanks” if your 7 year old asks to sell you a necklace she’s made.

There’s also a risk of losing focus from encouraging your children when they come up with great ideas to solve some problem you have. You might feel that your child should want to do this service for you for free. You might feel that as a family member your child is selfish if she tries to “take advantage of” your situation. If this is the case you will benefit from defining your expectations for how you interact as a family beforehand. Make your specific family rules for “helping out” clear together.

When your child approaches you with a “sales offer”, teach her to ask about what the value would be for you. Sometimes you might say “It would be really nice to get that thing or that service but I’m not willing to pay for it”. Be clear about what you value so that your child can get an understanding of how customers think.

Above all, if you want to foster an inquisitive problem solver, you’ll benefit most from encouraging the very act of coming up with the ideas and for acting on them.

As always..

BeBrave

Help children grow their courage and manage their fears

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Courage

It’s warm and humid. I’m sitting poolside watching as my seven year old daughter is learning to dive. She’s a bit cold and not very impressed with waiting in line for her turn to go in the water. It’s the third Wednesday and at this session it’s time for the 3 meter diving board. The first dive goes ok but during the second she hits the surface and the impact hurt her arms and hands. She bravely goes back to try again but can’t get her body to jump.

Her teacher tries talking to her to support her but she’s frozen. Still she’s stubbornly standing there, refusing to come back down the ladder. Even as the class ends and the other children walks off to the showers she stands there with a determined look on her face.

I walk over to her. “Hey honey, how’s it going?” I ask her. “I can’t do it mom, my body is too scared! But I want to!” she exclaims, tears filling in her eyes. At this point I don’t know if I should praise her for her drive or make a logical case making it okay not to push herself this time.

You get better at what you do repeatedly – practice courage

It’s been a returning subject at our house. The idea that courage is a good thing, that you can’t feel courageous unless you’re scared and that you can grow braver with practice. My daughters know that battling fear makes them braver and that a win is always a win for the bigger picture. Even if a particular fear might seem small and relatively insignificant it will still count towards courage when you overcome it.

I’ve used this concept to push my own limits. I’ve challenged my comfort zone with the conscious intent to prove to myself that I can become braver.  My girls heard me talking about this “comfort zone”-thing and they wanted to know what it meant. I wanted to explain it so that a child could relate.

Walking around on a dinner plate

We were sitting at the kitchen table, we’d just finished our meal, and I pushed my now empty dinner plate towards the middle of the table. I went into the playroom and brought back a Lego man. I tried to win their attention and when they saw the toy they got curious. I said, “Imagine that you are a reeeeally small person and that you are standing in the middle of this plate.”

I sat the Lego man down in the middle of my dinner plate.

“Picture this plate as a map and everywhere on it are the places that you already know and that you feel comfortable visiting.”

To get them even more involved I asked them; “What are some places that you’ve visited, that you know and where you feel safe?” We discussed and came up with school, our home, grandma and granddad’s place, the store, the nearest playground and so on.

I continued: “Now imagine that you walk around and all of a sudden you come really close to the edge of the plate. You realize that on the other side is someplace you’ve never been before. It’s always a little scary to actually walk off the plate. You never know what you’re going to find.”

We talked back and forth about questions like; “Do you have to walk of the edge? What if you decide to stay on the plate all your life – what will that life look like? What are some things or places that you could find outside of the plate?”

I explained that once they’d been to a new place the plate would grow and the space where you feel safe is now even bigger. Your comfort zone has expanded.

Personalize your fear voice

Apart from laying some groundwork, with the story of pushing your comfort zone, another way to help children battle limiting fears is to learn about what fear is for. When you learn about fear and make it into something not to despise but something that can even be loved you rob it of its freezing tendency.

In a relatively short period, around her sixth birthday, my daughter had a number of random events happening that pushed her towards anxiousness. I wanted to find a way to support her and for her to find a way to manage the fear on her own. We invented Madeleine.

Madeleine

Madeleine is a little fairy living on my daughter’s shoulder. Every time my daughter is faced with a new situation or person the little fairy gets really anxious. Out of love and a will to protect my daughter Madeleine works hard to keep her safe at all costs. Madeleine will always try to hinder change. My daughter named the fairy and gave her the tone of voice as well as the appearance. Madeleine looks suspiciously identical to the fairy named Trixy in the Secret kingdom books.

My daughter learned to love her fairy and she felt like she had a companion that could understand. She felt like she had to comfort and protect Madeleine and prove to her that things aren’t that dangerous. All of a sudden my daughter was explaining to the imaginary fairy why they had to try these new things.

What can you do to support a child that is limited by fear?

  1. Set the stage for appreciating fear – Talk about challenging your comfort zone so the “concept” is there. Learn to look for challenges to conquer.
  2. Tell the story of the fear voice and help your child personalize her own version
  3. In the moment try to help her define what the wished for result should be for this particular situation. What would be a challenging but still okay result to set as the goal? Maybe you need to help to divide the situation up in small manageable steps.

My seven year old on the 3 meter diving board was having none of my reasoning towards passing on this particular challenge. She refused to come down. But still she stood there frozen and unable to take the plunge. I waited and waited… and waited. I was ready to support her 100% had she decided to climb down, I would have signed up for returning to the pool any time she wanted to try again. But finally I heard her tell her body that she’d had enough. “We’re going to do this even if you’re scared. I decide!” and she jumped. When she broke back up through the surface her entire face was beaming.

Make sure the “win” is hers so she can recreate it on her own.

In the car on the way home she was still giddy with excitement. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! I could never have done it without you! Thank you for coming with me!” she poured over me.

I responded; “Honey it was all you! I’m so proud of how you wouldn’t give up and how you took control over your fear. What an extraordinary determined thing you did. Now you know that your body can’t control you. I’m glad I was there to see you challenge yourself, what an inspiration it was to see you take on that fight. And even if you hadn’t jumped this time I know you would have come back another day to continue the fight.”

It feels great receiving gratitude and appreciation but I felt how important it was to make the win all her own. I believe that I need to be careful about what I connect my pride and self esteem to. I could easily fall into feeling proud of myself for supporting my daughter into conquering her fear of diving. It’s deviously intoxicating receiving all that connection and appreciation from her.

The “win” has many levels and all of them are gorgeous. But since my belief is that it’s my job to make my children independent and self-reliant those goals are paramount. I try to adopt the belief that the greatest job I just did was in giving her a conscious win. I helped orchestrate a situation where she proved to herself that she can overcome her fear by herself.

BeBrave

What kind of personal energy are you spreading?

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What kind of personal energy are you spreading?

Do the people you want to hang out with like having you around? Are you impacted by other people’s energy and are you aware of how your energy is impacting others?

When the same stories are being told over and over

”Oh no, here we go again.” Do the people you hang with sometimes repeat themselves? Launching into a story that you’ve heard many times before? It’s a common phenomenon that you hear or see something that triggers a specific memory and all of a sudden you’re hijacked by your brain to follow a certain train of thoughts. Take the example of what happens when you hear the word cilantro. Does your brain instantly give you an impulse to react in an overwhelmingly positive or negative way? For some reason, in my experience, cilantro has a strong either/or- effect on people J

The human brain is created to anchor reactions and thoughts together in sequences. The more times, or the higher the emotional level when you experience something, the more likely it is for you to link the events together. When some part of this sequence is triggered, the entire collection of thoughts and feelings lights up in your head.

Some people say they appreciate and prefer being in relationships that are predictable. The same routines, the same conversations and the same triggers and responses. I think it’s because if you can predict what will happen you will feel safe.

Sometimes it’s not the specific story that is being repeated

For some people it’s not the specific content of the story that is repeated, it’s the underlying emotion. Your thought of “Oh no, here we go again” comes from knowing that whatever is said in actual words in the coming moments you already know the feeling that will be expressed.

“You know what happened today?” they might say and before they even begin to tell you, you already know the feeling that will be flowing towards you.

Just like embedding events in your brain, by repetition, you hardwire emotional states by reliving emotions over and over. After a while those emotions become your habit and people will learn to expect a certain personality from you. You’ve become predictable.

If it’s all good then it’s all good! – Your personal energy might be spectacular!

In an earlier post I’ve written about the possibility to consciously reflect on the result you want from your communication.

If the stories, and the underlying emotions you’re sending, are giving you results you like then predictability is good. If you can make people feel joy and like they’re being energized by your presence they’ll be drawn to you. Maybe you’re the kind of person that people pay expectant attention to when you say “you know what happened today?” Maybe they know they’re in for a funny story or other emotional treat. 🙂

If your relationships are already great then continue with what you’re doing! If you only have people around you that give you positive energy then no pruning of friends needs to be done. Celebrate your relationships and tell the people you care about how much you appreciate having them in your life.

If, on the other hand, you’re feeling that your relationships aren’t as close or rich as you’d like then one potential area to investigate could be your personal energy. What feeling are you habitually sending by your communications with others?

Explaining personal energy to children

The benefits of becoming aware of the energy you’re sending, apply equally well to our children. But talking to children about the concept isn’t always easy. If the idea appears too vague or fuzzy turning it into a story and a metaphor might help.

“Imagine that every time someone, including you, opens the mouth to say something the words that come out are captured in bubbles. It’s like your lips are the soap bubble tool and every breath you exhale, and all the words that you say, become bubbles that drift away towards the ones you talk to. Imagine how the bubble floats over to the one you’re sending the words to and bursts just over their heads. It’s when the bubble burst that the words can be heard. But it’s not only the words that are included in the bubble, it’s also the feeling of the words that you sent. When the bubble pops the feeling spread all over the people that can hear the words.

The next time you want to tell someone something, see if you can stop and consider the soap bubble before you send it. Ask yourself – what feeling will be included in this bubble and rain down on the person I’m talking to? What feeling do I want to send in the bubble?”

If the idea of the soap bubble lands well then you can use the metaphor when you teach children about dodging other people’s bad emotional habits. Imagine how angry people also send soap bubbles flying when they talk and how you can avoid them by the use of umbrella or shield.

BeBrave

Using money to practice the skill of impulse control

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Impulse control

One of the life skills I want to teach my children is to control their impulses and everyday money decisions provide ample situations to practice. I want to empower my children to live consciously and free from marketing schemes and buyers remorse.

Skills that can be taught using everyday finances as examples

Skills can be learnt and they have real life value for you. Money is an excellent arena, to use as a teaching platform, which contribute to other areas in your children’s lives. For example I want to teach my daughters to be responsible and also to have the ability to plan and set goals. See below for some ideas in each skillset area.

Behaving responsibly:

  • Using an allowance from an early age and helping them reason about what to spend it on so that there will be enough left for other things they want
  • Keeping a piggy bank with a formal cashbook to note down any deposit or withdrawal
  • Talking about the importance of always knowing where your credit card is and keeping the information secret. Never loan it to someone or give your information away to someone on the internet

The ability to plan and set goals:

  • When your children encounter something that they’d really like to spend money on you’ve got a golden opportunity to teach them about goal setting and planning. Help them create a plan including how much they “earn” in allowance and how long it will take them to get to the goal.
  • Set up a container that can be put somewhere visible and celebrate every deposit towards the goal.
  • Break the plan down into midterm goals and make them visual – maybe an estimated half way line on the container?
  • If your child is older you might brainstorm on how to impact the plan in terms of more income or less expenses. Maybe you can break the plan down into milestones like; looking for a temporary part time job, getting an interview and earning the first pay.

Teaching impulse control

Another important life skill is mastering your short term pleasure seeking gene and your brain with its inherent impulses. Learning the skill of impulse control could benefit you in so many areas in life such as sticking to eating food that is good for you, stopping yourself from vomiting angry words at your friends when you’re upset or to finish running that mile although it would feel so good to cut this session short.

Piggybank

I’ve used a special homemade piggy bank to teach ad practice impulse control. My children each have a piggy bank in the form of a tower of three boxes. The titles on the boxes reads; Save, Give away and My money.

When the girls get their allowance, or a gift of money from someone, they get to distribute the money into the three boxes. They decide how much money to put in each box. There are different rules for each box. Money put in the Give away box is used to buy gifts or to give to someone who needs help. The money in My money box can be used for whatever purpose, at any time.

The money that is invested into the Save box is different. I’ve made a deal to make that money grow. Any amount saved, and logged in the cashbook, for the year I will reward at New years eve.

I want to teach them to stop and think before spending money on impulse. To consider how important the thing really is, especially if you just now saw it in the store and didn’t even know such a thing existed before. What do I think I will get from owning this thing? How often, at what times and where will I use it?

Withdrawals need a cooling off period

We have a special rule regarding withdrawals from the Save box. If/when they find something that they can’t afford and they consider using the Savings in the Save Box we have a “cooling period” of a month. We write down in our calendar, the store and the price of the thing they want to buy, and set an alarm for one month. If they still want to spend the money when the cooling off month is up they’re absolutely free to do so.

So far it’s happened once that one of my girls has stuck to her desire to buy the thing she wanted. The decision was a good one, she’s played with that particular toy for hours and hours. She was completely committed to the investment, going in with her eyes open, and she never regretted it.

This idea started some years ago when my eldest was 9 and my youngest had just turned 7. At that time, to make things simple, I promised them to “double whatever they’d saved”. My nine year old caught on to the idea. She put most of her money in the Save box to ensure a good return. My seven year old didn’t at first.

When New years came I went to the bank and withdrew the amounts in Swedish 10 kronor coins – they’re golden in color. I asked  my oldest to hold out her hands and I let her coins rain down into her hands. The money overflowed on the kitchen table, she felt rich! 🙂 My youngest hadn’t saved as much and so got a lesser rainfall, much to her dismay. But guess what happened all year long after that? Yep, pretty much every penny went into the Save box.

You’re the most important teacher

As with every skill in life, the way you act will teach your children more than any theoretical idea. Do you, like me, want to teach them skills like to be responsible, to express a dream goal and make plans for achieving it and impulse control? What would be different if you implemented those skills in your own life?

BeBrave

Arm your child with the ability to shield herself from anger

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Anger

“Mom, I don’t like my teacher anymore!” Her comment took me by surprise since I knew she’d been really enthusiastic over the new teacher all year long. I asked her what was going on and she explained that there were some trouble makers in school. The situation had worsened lately and the teacher is often angry in class. She knew she wasn’t the intended target, and that she’d done nothing wrong, but she still felt his irritation get to her. “I feel really sad and guilty when he gets angry, even when it’s not at me”.

Is your child impacted when someone displays anger even when it’s not directed straight at her?

The frequency of emotions

When you have a thought and give it a meaning it will trigger an accompanying emotion. This emotion is felt in your body as energy. It is in fact, now scientifically proven, energy emitted in the form of a frequency wave. The statement “the tension in the room was palpable” is not just a saying anymore. If you test it on yourself you’ll realize what difference there is in feeling different emotions. Imagine being exhilarated and enthusiastic and pay attention to how light this feeling feels. Now compare it to how you feel when you step into anger or jealousy. The negative emotions has a lower frequency and draws you down closer to matter than the more energy filled positive emotions.

Someone who is holding in anger, consciously or out of habit, hiding it behind a forced smile will still be sending at the anger frequency. Since the person isn’t displaying the feeling outwardly people around them will start to feel uneasy. To a child this will feel like an approaching thunder storm, they will prepare for lightning to strike from a clear sky. And lightning is loud and scary.

When anger comes from within the family

As parents we are the first line of reason that children use to make sense of the world. They turn to us to test how to react to the daily situations they’re subjected to. They rely on us as a source of comfort and support. When children get scared they count on us to tell them it’s okay. They need us to hold them and to help them calm back down. We are the ones reassuring them that whatever happens they are never at risk of being abandoned to manage for themselves.

By talking through tough situations, with a trusted adult, children can make sense of scary situations, understand and let go of them. Children rely on us to help them handle other people’s anger. So it’s a double burden on them when the anger comes from us. Not only are they subjected to thunder and lightning at home, the place where they should be completely safe, they’ve also lost the help to unravel the tangled emotions that brings.

Children are naturally egocentric and make everything about themselves. If their parent is upset it’s more than likely that the child will believe it’s their fault. That somehow they’re the cause of the upset, anger or frustration. Children of easily angered parents will often try to find solutions to reduce the risk of that anger. Some become hypersensitive and shy, others start acting like a clown. Some do everything they possibly can to “be good” and do “the right thing”

So what can you do?

If your child is effected by other people’s anger, there are some tricks you can teach her. The first thing is to help her figure out if the situation really was directed at her. I believe in arming my children with the knowledge of how their brain works so I’ve literally told them about how they will have a bias towards feeling that everything is their fault.

By understanding how their own brain works they can find it easier to distance themselves from the situation. Tell your child to prepare for the next time someone gets angry around her. Tell her to start by asking herself if the anger is really directed at her. If it’s not, then instruct her to make a move with her arm as if something passes over her head and to say out loud-  “It’s not aimed at me! It’s swishing by! Swish!”

shield

I’ve also told my daughter about her “magic shield”. If she feels anger, or any other uncomfortable feeling emanating from someone, she can push the button. It’s placed in the center of her chest, activating a magic, invisible shield around her entire body. The shield is like an umbrella, impenetrable, keeping the storm and rain out and her safe and dry inside.

Depending on the age and maturity of the child, as well as the severity of the situations she’s impacted by, you can develop the story of the shield.

The use of the story is off course only advisable as a complement to making sure she’s safe. If there’s someone who repeatedly fires outbursts of anger around her it might be better to remove her from that situation. If the situations are less frequent and manageable with the help of the shield then the story has a valuable part 2.

The shield can do more than keep you safe

People do the best they can under the circumstances they’re in. I truly believe that and I try my best to teach this life view to my children. As a consequence I believe that people aren’t bad, only that they make bad decisions. Choosing to think this way gives me power to stay open to people that are acting badly. I don’t close myself of in defense so it’s easier to stay smart. This helps me to imagine the hidden pain that might be the reason for the anger.

If your child has learnt to differ between the idea of understanding people so she can stay smart, versus letting people be mean to her, you can add translation magic to the shield.

If you listen closely the shield will translate the angry words into the real reasons to why someone is angry. Angry words like “Gah, why did you have to spill that glass of water!? You are so clumsy!” is translated to “Gah! I’m sooo tired and stressed about work tonight and my back hurts and I just can’t bear getting down mopping that right now.”

Understanding why someone is angry doesn’t excuse the behavior and it’s always important to support your child in standing up for herself. Encourage her to be clear about her boundaries.

If you need help with managing your anger

If you know you have trouble keeping your own thunder and lightning at bay, I encourage you do everything in your power to change. And while you’re improving your ability to keep your cool, you can lower the negative impact on your children, by talking about it. If you let them in on what’s going on, ask for forgiveness when and if you fail, you’re all of a sudden on the plus side. Not only are you stepping up as the responsible parent taking full ownership of your mess, you’re also demonstrating how to ask for forgiveness.

All of us mess up! We’re all a work in progress. When we know and can do better I believe we do. Don’t let anger live within the walls of your home.

BeBrave

Limiting Screen time – Addiction – Let’s dive deeper

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Addiction

Is your child addicted to a screen?

When I hear the word ”addiction” I picture alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs. In the recent years I’ve also added sugar to the list. Now there’s another factor that is worth keeping a vigilant eye on. Online addiction. Humans are arguably the most adaptable spicies on this planet but our bodies and brains weren’t created to change as fast as our world has changed in the last decades.

Spending time online is highly addictive

The relatively new term in marketing strategies, “gamification”, describes the theory of making something more enjoyable and addictive to humans. We love playing, and when we feel we’re getting better, finishing a new challenge, unlocking a new and more difficult level or just getting another gold star, we don’t stop to question the activity itself. We’re moved into flow and completely lose track of time.

The amount of money spent to capture and keep our attention is staggering. I did some research (online off course ;p) and according to statista.com the value of the worldwide gamification market was at 4.91 billion USD in 2016 with an expected growth to 12 billion in 2021.

It’s not just games that create addiction online. Our bodies were created to ensure we survive and one of the mechanisms is to reward the activity to look for things. To engage in finding things. If you’ve ever spent time in the woods looking for mushrooms or berries you know the rewarding exhilarating feeling you get when you finally find those treasures.

Browsing online lights your brain up in the same way. You get a chemical rush of endorphins released in your body whenever you “find” something interesting. Unfortunately the brain hasn’t caught up to differentiate between the findings. Fun movies of cats are rewarded the same way as essential food sources would be.

Limiting screen time – it’s up to you as a parent

Making sure you know What your child is doing online as well as answering the tough question of Why she spends time there is important. The internet shouldn’t be used to avoid or hide from your life. If it is then maybe it’s time to step back and look for alternatives.

There are arguments for limiting screen time even when the reasons to why your child is online are completely valid.

Without the knowledge of how our brains work in an online setting, and the understanding of how people act differently online, a child is defenseless. As an adult you can step back and realize the impact you’re having on your life. But the brain of a child isn’t ready to predict the consequences nor is it prepared to resist the biology of the reward system..

I’ve heard someone go as far as to likening letting a child surf online alone is like leaving her alone in a bar. There is no way for a child to understand why people are acting so different from how they would in a normal setting. The undercurrent of sex and mindlessly losing control is subconscious and hard to become aware of.

Some early signals to watch out for would be if she shows concern or worry if the tablet/phone isn’t around or if the battery is about to expire without there being a chance to charge nearby. She might turn down fun activities in exchange for time online or she might start to feel really frustrated when faced with some time without access to the internet. Being bored might start to feel really bad.

Approaching a change in screen time allowance

As with any change, especially those that might be perceived as a change for the worse, define when it would be a good time to talk about it.

Imagining spending two summer weeks in a small house with four children ages between 8 and 14. Say that these kids can’t leave the property, on their own, due to highly trafficked streets which rules out all activities such as exploring and playing outside the immediate property. Add to the mix a very warm air temperature that leaves the entire family on edge and parents that were looking forward to some relaxing and joyful days and now are trying to come to terms with that shattered illusion.

Is this an advisable time to introduce a limit on screen time? Maybe or maybe not. I guess it depends on your ability to muster your own energy and lead with love, laughter and certainty. I sure wasn’t in that place this past summer hence our children got noticeably more screen time than I would have accepted in other circumstances.

Pick your moment and think through the conversation before you engage in it. Limiting the supply of “drugs” for someone with online addiction, be it mild or extreme, won’t be met with immediate acceptance and joy. The strategy could be different depending on the age and level of maturity of your child.

Small children need clear guidelines

For smaller children it’s best to set a limit and stick by it. You might invite the child to participate in some part of the decision but you set the hard limits. You might say “we have a new rule for our family. We’re going to be using the tablet/phone/TV for a maximum of two hours every day. Which is best for you, would you prefer to have your time in the afternoon when you get home from school or is it better after dinner?”

My youngest daughter made me acutely aware of the level of addiction that the online world brings and of how hard it is to avoid. I hinted and huffed about her constant online presence this summer and at one point she had had enough. She literally said; “Mom, if you want me to use the Ipad less then give me a rule to follow. Don’t nag me all the time, you’re only making me feel guilty and bad!”

She wanted a rule to stick to. She knew it would help her stay away from the Ipad and she knew that during the time she was allowed to use it she would enjoy it instead of feeling bad about it. And she knew she could set that rule herself.

Older children will benefit from being more active in the decision

It’s important to include children in the decision as they grow older. Sooner or later they need to become self-reliant and learn to control this possible drug for themselves.

Tell them about the brain and talk about what addiction is. Explain that it’s not a matter of being strong and it’s not a question of if you trust them or not. It’s about chemistry and biology and it effects everyone. It’s something that everyone must learn about and keep an eye on.

They might think that “you’re overbearing or too old to understand the way the world works today”. Don’t fall into the trap of arguing about it. Keep with the facts and research and tell them to make a plan that you can talk through.

“I want you to go online (I know.. online… ;p) and research two areas; the risks of online addiction and what addiction is and does to the human brain. I want you to present your findings to me and I want you to show me how you plan to avoid it and also what early signs you’re going to look for.”

Talk through the plan together. When it comes to serious matters like addiction, you, as the parent, is still foremost responsible for the outcome. Agree on the best way for how you will supervise and how the both of you will check up on this issue regularly.

Always keep an eye on your own actions. Maybe your teenagers plan works as well for yourself? 🙂

BeBrave

Abundance or scarcity – Does money grow on trees?

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Abundance

What kind of life do you envision for your children? I bet you wish happiness and love for them, but what else? What kind of experiences do you see in their future? Will they become “successful” in something, what does successful look like? What about financial abundance, is that something you hope for?

Set your definition of successful

Before I continue writing this post I’d like to stop and make something very clear. I do not equate success with having a lot of money. Some people give me a special look when I talk about finances as if I’m going on about something that shouldn’t be talked about. Some have even asked me if I’m not afraid of putting too much pressure on my kids in terms of making a lot of money.

I don’t pressure my children into becoming financially free or some definition of “successful” that has a financial number tied to it.

I do, however, encourage them into learning about money and finances so that they can make informed decisions. Money is important, not because of image, but because of what it provides; some level of security and a world of possibilities. Money is a tool and when you know how to use it you can choose if and when you want to.

I do not equate success with having a lot of money. Neither do I equate success to being poor and struggling to pay your bills.

I want my children to focus on what makes them feel alive, on what makes them proud of themselves and how they can bring value to others. I believe that achieving success in life, according to that definition, combined with financial literacy will bring that financial abundance that all well-meaning people deserve.

So, when you envision the future for your children do you see financial abundance? What are your thoughts about money and abundance? Try asking your children the same questions and see if you can detect their relationship and view on this subject.

Does having money make you popular?

We’ve reasoned about money in our family. I’ve asked if they thought money was important, could money make you popular and are you a better friend if you have loads of money? They’re not easy questions to answer since they’re not binary questions.

Reasoning about money, and what having money means, is important. It helps children to become aware of this tool and their own thoughts and beliefs about it. Maybe your kids, like mine when they were younger, think that being able to buy things for their friends will make their friends like them more. I’m not saying that that is incorrect, maybe their friends love presents, I know I do, I’m just saying it’s a good thing to talk about. Does that popularity come with any downsides? How would they feel towards a friend that gave them gifts?

Astrid Lindgren, Swedish author of children books, writes about Pippi Longstocking who is super rich. She’s got a bag full of gold and she spends a lot of it on her friends – one particular episode fascinated my girls, the same way it caught my imagination when I was young, The visit to the candy shop. Pippi goes in and buys bags and bags of candy – she pretty much empties the store – and shares it with all the children in town. Needless to say Pippi is very popular amongst the kids in this episode.

The questions aren’t binary. The answers depends on how the actions make you feel. Is your relationship impacted in any bad way due to negative feelings on either part? If everyone involved are happy then everything is good!

Then the questions level up to;

  • Are there different ways to give?
  • How can you facilitate a completely positive response from the receiver?

Does money grow in trees?

Apart from the idea of what money can or cannot make you into, I’ve identified a number of other important concepts to introduce to my kids. One base concept is the mindset of abundance versus scarcity.

If you believe that money is abundant in the world you are more likely share it, fight for it and to use it. If you believe that there is loads and loads of money available, just waiting for you to go out and get it, you will be more likely to do just that.

We’ve talked about money growing on trees to make abundance into a visual idea.

“There is so much money in in the world that you could replace all leaves on all trees on the entire planet and that would still only be part of everything there is. Most of it is just waiting for you to claim it. You just have to show up and climb the trees and start picking!”

Showing up and climbing trees becomes metaphors for earning money – let’s look into that later. For now let’s stay with the concept of abundance.

Abundance versus scarcity

If you believe that money is abundant you will consider it to be relatively easy to get. If there is so much of it, why shouldn’t you be able to get some or even a lot? No more thoughts like; “it’s too complicated, only geniuses can do it” or “why would I succeed when there are so many smart hardworking people out there that have already thought of everything?”.

With an abundance mindset you believe that there is enough money on this planet, that if you can just find the right tree and are willing to do some climbing, you will be able to bring in a harvest that will set you up for life.

If you believe that there is money in abundance you will also be more willing to invest the money you have. This is a core prerequisite for making money grow. Yes, there is a risk to investing, but since you always can just go out and get more you’re more willing to look at that risk.

If you believe that it’s a scarce resource – you will start acting constricted towards it. You will start to pay more attention to securing what you’ve got than in how to invest it into growth or in how to use it for loving and giving purposes.

Some people agree on the abundance theory but think that any one individual shouldn’t focus on getting too much of it. “Then there won’t be enough for everyone.” Like if someone takes a too big piece of the pie there won’t be enough left for everyone else. But hey, what if there are infinite pies and pastries out there just waiting for someone to find them and deliver them to those who are hungry?

Be happy for people who are climbing and harvesting

An abundance mindset will let you feel true joy and gratitude towards people that have earned a lot of money. You will believe that these people have shown you where there are trees to climb and they will be an inspiration and a reminder of what is possible.

I think that money will make you more of what you already are. If you are greedy and selfish you will still be that way even if you win the lottery. If you are a giving person, and someone who loves to surprise people, you’ll use your abundance for doing good things for others. Having money doesn’t make you popular, at least not with the people that matters, it’s who you are and what you do that will make you loved and appreciated.

Good people should have as much money as possible. Because good people will do good things with that tool.

Some tips to help along the way to an abundance mindset:

  1. Stop saying that things are ”too expensive”. Those words are sending the subconscious signal to yourself and your children that you don’t have enough money. Replace it with the phrase “I don’t think it’s worth that amount”. This way you shift from the feeling of scarcity into a more constructive discussion about value.
  2. An abundance mindset is not equal to ignoring risk. Please do your due diligence and your risk-reward ratio calculations before doing any investing. (And if you don’t know those terms google them 🙂 )
  3. Helping others makes you feel alive and proud of yourself. It’s a great way to show yourself how good the abundance mindset can feel. Use it to create a good spiral of abundance and giving.

BeBrave

Screen time – How long? is not as important as Why?

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Screen time

Do your children spend a lot of time in front of a screen such as a tablet, phone, TV or computer? How much is a lot of time? Do they spend more or less time than you do? How do you feel about it? How do they feel about it?

“Siri, how do you make healthy muffins?”

The Ipad came out in 2010 and a new era began. The amount of games and apps grew like wildfire and every company fought to create their own digital world to capture the attention of our children. Before that, the computer and TV game industry had already primed most of the generation that are now parents. Spending time in front of a screen is the new normal.

Now information is at our kid’s fingertips, or even at their disposal by just posing the question out loud to Siri or Alexa. Never has it been easier to stay in touch with friends or meeting new people from all over the world. The planet is accessible, for our kids, in a way that was just not possible for me growing up.

Wiki, Google and Storytel are aiding my kids in becoming self-reliant on facts and knowledge. For my birthday, a couple of months ago, my daughter wanted to bake muffins to surprise me. She knows I’m not into sugary treats so she asked Siri to help her find a recipe for healthy ones  🙂

The upside is huge

I have a background in IT and I believe this revolution is here to stay, evolving continuously into an even tighter dependency on computers. Artificial intelligence is knocking on our front door and humanity is in for some very serious questions regarding the future of our species.

Both using and understanding information technology, already is, and will be an increasingly important tool and whatever happens our kids will need to relate to and understand computers.

In our family we’ve been able to simplify our everyday lives significantly with the use of IT. Everything from sharing a calendar, so we don’t miss important events, to a family chat to be able to reach the entire family at once. Shopping lists and to do’s as well as shared storage for photos and videos of our memories. We use Facetime to keep close even when we’re physically apart.

School has caught on and nowadays we get all correspondence online, both information to us parents as well as homework and reports. There are also really smart Apps for learning things like increasing your memory capability, play the piano and speak foreign languages.

The upside is huge and I believe in moving forward instead of trying to hold on to the past and wishing for the (better or worse?) old days.

However I’m still not completely at ease with how we manage our screen time.. not when it comes to the kids and actually not when it comes to me neither.

Loosing myself in an inverted time warp called World of Warcraft

My dad, who’s been in the IT business since I was little, brought home our very first computer. It was from work, I believe an IBM 286, and with it came the introduction of computer games. Space quest, Tetris and Prince of Persia made their way into my heart. I spent hours playing, completely hocked. I couldn’t fall asleep because of the images of falling blocks that needed to be turned just right.

At some point I believe my parents limited my access to the games, or I lost interest, and it wasn’t until in my early twenties that I picked it up again. This time it was Age of Empires, and later World of Warcraft, that caught my attention. I was completely drawn into this world, doubly encouraged since all my friends were playing as well.

When the third expansion of World of Warcraft came out I started to lose interest. I remember doing the estimation on how much money Blizzard was making every month. There was a monthly fee times all the current amount of users. I realized what a gold mine they’d found and that a whole lot of that money went back into making sure people stayed interested in the game. All that money going to people that were experts at human behavior and knew exactly what buttons to push to ensure you kept playing month after month.

How many hours of my life was I spending in an alternate reality, lost to the world around me? Sure there are benefits. Thinking strategically, managing your stress levels, motor control, learning the weirdest words in a foreign language. But when Monday comes and you’re wondering what happened to your entire weekend you start thinking that life isn’t going so well.

How dependent are you on your phone?

I recently installed an App called “Moment” on my phone. It tracks your usage and gives you a daily report on your behavior. It’s been worrying and sobering to realize how often I pick up my phone.

It depends on what and why

You can do anything in excess they say. I guess that goes for screen time allowances as well. Should you set a time limit for yourself and your children? Control what they watch? I believe yes and yes, no matter how educational the activity there should be a time limit that ensures some physical action as well. Keeping an eye on what they watch and do online is a security measure. But the big one to keep an eye on, I believe, is “why?”. Why is your child engaging in online activities?

Maybe these questions might help you decide if you need to implement changes in your family. To make it a bit easier I’d make the answers to these questions binary.

  • Does your child use the online time to avoid living life?
  • Does she become anxious without a screen present?
  • Is she using the online world to replace a boring or frightening real one?
  • Is she dodging responsibilities or endangering her health?

Children always look to us for guidance, on how to live life, by watching us live our own. How much time do you spend online and why are you doing it? Turn the questions towards yourself and try answering them as honest as you can.

BeBrave

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