Family Purpose

What is your aspiration for the coming holiday season?

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aspiration

Christmas is around the corner and people have very different aspirations for the holiday. Some have been looking forward to the time off with family and friends while others are burning out with the extra work. A newly released study, SWEDEHEART observational study 1998-2013,indicates a correlation between higher risk of myocardial infarction and Christmas Eve. The study points out that elderly people, with a history of coronary artery disease are most impacted but I think most people are.

What do you envision when you think about the coming holiday season?

“Christmas is a season delivered by women for children and men”

Do you remember when Christmas, or any other major family gathering, became more than a happy occasion to turn up to? When you went from child to grown up and began shouldering some of the responsibilities for planning and preparing. I remember being in my late teens when I began noticing the effort needed for entertaining guests both during and after a party.

When I left home, moving to live on my own, I was struck by all the details that logistically challenge a party or family dinner.When to start the oven so you time the main course perfectly to when you’redone with the starter. Choosing what to eat based on how much you can prepare in advance. Setting the table with just the right plates and napkins in the same tonality matched to the color of the candles and so on.

The conscious driving force has been to make everyone feel welcome, to enjoy themselves and “not have to do boring kitchen work” when they visit me. I want everyone to have fun, eat good food and overall have a lovely experience. It never occurred to me that I was taking on too much work,I couldn’t see any other way. Everything just needed to be done and I was apparently the only one who understood the importance of getting it just right.I got upset with my partner who spent the party enjoying our friends company leaving me to the cooking and serving. I once heard that Christmas was a holiday delivered by women for children and for men. I remember thinking how evidently true that statement was. I never questioned why or if it had to be that way.

Who sets the expectations?

You know how you sometimes can recognize a bad habit or belief in others but be blind to your own? Someone once likened this inability to see yourself to the fact that you can’t lick your own elbow. Super weird way of saying it. I guess that’s why it has stuck in my mind. I watched a good friend and coworker struggle in life. She was in a tough job situation, working over time more nights than not, she and her husband were fighting all the time and she had two kids with learning disabilities who were failing in school. As the Christmas season was coming up I watched her grow more and more agitated. She got impatient and quick to anger. Once, a week before Christmas, we went out for lunch together. She wanted to see if she could find some last minute gifts at the mall. We started talking about Christmas.

I asked about her favorite time and she said it was when the day was over, everyone had had a good day, and she could finally just sit down in her armchair with a glass of sherry and just enjoy the silence and the lights of the tree. By the dreamy way she said it I understood how much she was looking forward to that time. I recognized my own tendency to go go go, not prioritizing myself. I thought of how motherhood somehow was equated to sacrifice. I wanted to tell her to slow down and lower her expectations. But I kept silent because, to me, she was making sense. Off course you have to sacrifice for your children and your family. Don’t you?

What else could be removed?

It wasn’t until life conspired and I found myself confronted with too few hours to do everything I “needed” to get done. I was close to burn out and my body made it clear I had to prioritize. All of a sudden there were things, that I’d never considered not doing, that had to be left for another time. It was painful and it hurt my pride and sense of achievement. I was failing. But it opened up something in my mind.

I realized that life went on just fine even when I didn’t get everything done. Even if I didn’t clean my windows twice a year, changed the linen in my bed every two weeks or bake homemade cookies for my kids birthday party I was okay. I was fighting my internal drive that wanted me to show how capable I was, that I was a worthy mother, hostess,woman. When life took away my ability to perform I realized what a relief it was to let go of the expectations. I was intrigued and started investigating what else I could remove from my life. It turns out I’ve been doing a whole lot of things that hasn’t given me anything but stress.

But what about Christmas?

The big area that I still struggle, to let go of, is when it comes to Christmas. I still have such a rigid idea of how it should be spent. And my aspiration is still to make it a perfect day for everyone.The million dollar question is; what does a perfect day look like? When I ask my kids they told me they actually look forward to the day before Christmas more than Christmas itself. The day when we spend time together decorating the house and make fudge.

What would happen if you cleared your prior expectations and aspirations and put the question to your family? Ask your husband,wife, parents, children what they most look forward to this Christmas. Ask them what they worry about or if they are stressed out about anything. Let them know what you look forward to and have a family discussion about your aspirations. Give them the gift of helping you and making you happy, ask them for help

BeBrave

Does your highest priority change when you become a parent?

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Priority

Having a baby changes everything. No matter what your highest priority was before, now you’re wired to care for this helpless being. You’re instantly alert from the tiniest of sounds, you’re planning your schedule around nap times and even when you’re so tired you can hardly stay awake you find some hidden power to push through.

I remember a paragraph from a fantasy novel I read when I was in my late teens. I can’t recall the title of the book but this one section really made an impact on me. A young woman, pregnant with an unwanted baby, was forced to give birth trapped in a vile storm. She was found in the middle of labor, in the woods, by an elderly kind medicine man. He helped her through the birth of her baby and then they made their way home to his cabin. When they got inside the woman was exhausted and cold and started to dry her clothes while completely ignoring the baby’s cries. The child was the result of a rape and the woman wanted nothing to do with it. The otherwise gentle man got furious and lectured that her priority from now on was to “nurture that child, before egoistically focusing on your own needs. This child is innocent and never asked to be born.”

This scene has stayed with me. I remember thinking, back then, how awful I feel when I’m cold and wondering if I could really shift into nurture mode like that.

Nurturing and putting them first came natural

A generous dose of oxytocin and other internally created chemicals helped me power through the marathon of nurturing my toddlers. The love and sense of protection I felt, and still feel, towards them is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I will do more for them than I do for anyone or anything else. The possibility of surprising them or to make them smile will make me plan and conspire for days.

Whenever I got tired and they’d call for me I’d muster my energy and tell myself what a wonderful gift it is that they want my attention. What a precious time we have together, that in a short number of years they will be out of my influence and reach. Soon the times around the breakfast table will be over. The long dinners with conversations ranging from one area to the next will be a once in a while occasion.

As their parents we’ve been the center of their universe. Soon we will have to share them with the world. I’ve gotten so much significance from being their mother. A place in this world, a purpose and an accomplishment like nothing else. It’s been such an ego boost.

Putting the well-being of my children first has been a no-brainer. As babies, humans are completely defenseless and dependent on other humans to survive. I don’t think anyone would dispute that as parents, to young children, you will have to put your own needs second for a while.

Combine the chemical rush of oxytocin, the significance boost of parenthood with the cultural acceptance and encouragement of prioritizing your children over yourself. The picture that emerge gives a background as to why parents sometimes loose themselves in this new role.

A case for making yourself your highest priority

So does that mean that you should always put your children first? What about the desires you have as a woman or a man? What about your personal goals? How does self-actualization combine with parenthood?

Lisa Nichols makes a case for focusing on yourself and getting so strong that you can take yourself to where you want to go. To first prioritize yourself so that you can help your family and friends from a position of strength. Denzel Washington, in a graduation speech, urges the students to dare to set goals. He says “Focus on your goals and when you reach them reach back and help someone else – each one, teach one!”

The famous metaphor from the safety instruction on air planes also urges you to focus first on yourself and then help children and other people around you. If you don’t get enough oxygen you will soon be of no use to anyone.

If you put your life on hold and give complete priority to your children, would you be happy? Who will you be when they eventually move out? How will they be able to leave and live their own lives if they worry about how you will manage without them?

Ask yourself if the example you’re setting is the one you wish to. When your child has children of her own, do you want her to feel the way you do about being a parent?

Setting a priority doesn’t mean you can’t do both

It’s at this point that the famous saying “you can have anything you want just not at the same time” comes in handy. I want time alone now and then to write and create or just zoom out or inwards. But I also I want a close connection with my family and I to be there for my children. I love spending time with them. They have such interesting perspectives on things and we talk about huge and small things.

My current theory is that it’s a balance that I need to fine tune now and then. I need to follow my energy meter – Sometimes the needs of my daughter will come before my own. Because if I chose different in that situation I would feel like a lousy mother which would put me in an energy deficit anyway. Sometimes I direct them to help each other so I can get an hour to myself.

It’s still difficult to prioritize myself and determine what level I feel is right for me. I’m learning as I go. Adjusting as I realize something is unbalanced. I’ve learnt to watch out for some telling signs:

  • I start being frustrated with my children for disrupting me/intruding
  • I feel stuck or held back because of my family’s desire to spend time with me
  • When I slip into doubts about who I am and my worth as a human without your children

If these thoughts or feeling start showing up in my life it’s a red light telling me to stop and really evaluate how I’m spending my time.

How do you balance being there for your children while setting and achieving personal goals? How do ensure your energy as well as steering the family ship in an empowering direction? Leave us your comments!

BeBrave

Can you teach a child to become an entrepreneur?

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Literacy

I’ve recently written a few blog posts about finances and how one can talk to children about money. I believe it’s a subject we need to talk about and research at home. This time I thought I’d try to introduce the concept of “financial literacy” as well as a few basic ideas about supporting a young entrepreneur.

Financial literacy – getting comfortable talking in terms of money

Have you ever been in a situation where people have been talking about something that you feel you don’t quite understand? Some people jump into such conversations, seemingly without a thought as to how they might look to others, and eagerly start asking questions. I applaud such behavior and I encourage it in myself and in my children, but it’s not always easy. I hesitate to show my ignorance at times and I know it’s my fixed mindset rearing its ugly head.

But how are you ever going to become better if you never learn new things?

According to Wikipedia, Financial literacy means: “the possession of the set of skills and knowledge that allows an individual to make informed and effective decisions with all of their financial resources.”

I thought finances was boring and difficult to understand. So many words and terms that sounded important and complicated. But when I decided that I wanted to understand it, and committed myself to become a student again, I realized it was easier than I expected.

Start with the basic stuff; Money and the value of it, banks, bank accounts, credit cards and debit cards and cash machines. You probably know those terms already but have you talked to your children about them? Maybe search Youtube to look for videos that can help visualize, https://youtu.be/AjTwcQYgISA

Next comes terms like income, expenses, interest and investments. Other terms that could be beneficial to look into are; passive income, financial security and financial freedom. When it comes to investing, which will be interesting for older children, see what you can research together. Look for information on risk-reward ratio, fundamental analysis as well as ROI and exit plan.

When you feel you got the hang of these concepts, test your understanding by teaching them to your children. When you can explain something so that someone else understands it, the theory becomes truly yours.

Create money

So now that you know about money, as a concept, how can you create more of it?

Money is given in exchange for something that the buyer believes is valuable. Different people need/want different things. The trick is to find the right combination of products/services and the right kind of people that will value them. It sounds simple on paper right? Well, that’s because it is! You need to figure out a product or a service that you can provide to the exact people that wants to pay money for it.

It’s simple but not easy. It’s like with everything in life, if it were easy then everyone would be doing it. 🙂 You need to become a very curious and tenacious detective.

Start by asking and answering these types of questions:

  • What seems to be a problem to the people around me? What does people talk about as problems in their life? Is there something that seems to be a burden even if they don’t talk about it?
  • When does the problem appear? At specific times/days/situations?
  • Have anyone tried to solve these problems before and can I learn from that and do it even better?
  • How can I find out what people would be willing to pay for having this problem solved?

Children catch on quickly to knowledge and they don’t have the same restrictions as adults do. Don’t be surprised if your children start applying their new knowledge in creative and sometimes completely unrealistic ways.

Supporting a budding entrepreneur

Every experiment they do will teach them and deepen their understanding. Encourage every idea that comes up and participate without taking over. If you can lend your enthusiasm to the endeavor your child will anchor a positive feeling towards trying new ideas. Help them when they ask for help and only with what they ask for.

I don’t believe entrepreneurship is the only way to find fulfillment or to make money. Being an entrepreneur is one way, seeking employment at a company or organization is another. Using the “problem solving”-focus is an effective tool for deciding on career options regardless. For example it might be good to evaluate the company you want to join in terms of what problems they are solving. If they don’t know and understand the solutions they are providing for their customers there’s a high risk that this company won’t be around for long.

Being an entrepreneur isn’t better than taking up position as an employee. Having said that, I believe kids are exceptionally equipped to think entrepreneurially and I think the future job market will reward that way of thinking. If you want to support your children into this way of thinking there is a possible trap worth to consider.

When your child is young the closest people they know are you and your extended family. There’s a big chance that you will be considered the first potential customer. Maybe your kids, or your relative’s kids, have been trying to sell you things to earn money for some school activity? My kids wanted to bake cookies and sell to me so that we could have cookies for snacks at home. Very smart – two birds in one stone – they’d get money and yummy snacks 😉

Supporting a budding entrepreneur in a family setting

Parents and family members are the perfect customers to get a first great win in an entrepreneurial journey. But we’re not representative to customers in scale. We have a relationship to our kids that needs to be clarified. Our relationship is based on love and connection and money isn’t part of that. Money shouldn’t be offered as a sign of love or as a substitute for connection. If the love and connection is there then you won’t feel conflicted to simply say “no thanks” if your 7 year old asks to sell you a necklace she’s made.

There’s also a risk of losing focus from encouraging your children when they come up with great ideas to solve some problem you have. You might feel that your child should want to do this service for you for free. You might feel that as a family member your child is selfish if she tries to “take advantage of” your situation. If this is the case you will benefit from defining your expectations for how you interact as a family beforehand. Make your specific family rules for “helping out” clear together.

When your child approaches you with a “sales offer”, teach her to ask about what the value would be for you. Sometimes you might say “It would be really nice to get that thing or that service but I’m not willing to pay for it”. Be clear about what you value so that your child can get an understanding of how customers think.

Above all, if you want to foster an inquisitive problem solver, you’ll benefit most from encouraging the very act of coming up with the ideas and for acting on them.

As always..

BeBrave

Be the witness, the mirror and the recording machine

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Diary

Keeping a diary dedicated to recording the formative years of your children’s lives is a twofold gift.

Acting as a filter to life’s experiences

As parents, or other adults around children, we have a unique opportunity to give a child context. We’re there watching as they start experiencing life, learning and growing. We observe their development and we help them make sense of what happens. As parents we see the cause and effect that our children participate in, we have an adult perspective and understand the bigger picture.

As children grow, and experience new situations, they gradually create foundational rules that they start to lean on to make everyday decisions. Humans are driven by two forces; to avoid pain and to gain pleasure. Everyday we’re faced with hundreds of variations of situations we’ve been in before. By the age of 8-10 our brains have collected enough data to draw quick conclusions/assumptions as to weather a situation will be painful or pleasurable. This is a great function of the brain, it helps us to become fast decision makers.

The only problem is when the experiences you’ve encountered as a child mistakenly are stored as painful ones. Children are sensitive, their brains not fully developed, so everything that gets stored goes deep. Children are also biased towards egocentricity and will by default interpret every situation as if it was centered on them. As an example a child will take on responsibility for someone else’s bad mood regardless of it being the cause of it or not.

As adults we can help children reason through experiences to help store as many positive and empowering foundations as possible.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

In the science fiction movie Avatar (2009) you encounter an indigenous people of the planet Pandora called the Na’vi. The Na’vi have a special phrase for greeting one another, it translates to “I see you” in English.

I also have a strong visual memory, in the same category, from another movie. It’s from a scene with John Travolta in the movie Face off. John, in the movie named Sean, moves his hand slowly down in front of his sons face. I love how consciously intentional the action is to anchor them into the moment and of really seeing each other. It’s a beautiful scene, filled with love, which has stuck in my mind.

Adults that commits time and energy to be present and really see a child will make that child come alive. Being seen is like feeling the sun come out of the clouds, warm and bright. A central part of our human set up, as social beings, is how we strive to reach the expectations of others. We give enormous power, to influence our well being, to the ones we’ve enlisted to be part of our tribe.

Children don’t get to choose their tribe, they’re stuck with us 😉 That means we are in the honorable position to be their first and most important mirrors. What we see when we see them, what we allow to be reflected back to them, will mold them for life.

It’s impossible to catch everything as it happens

We don’t always understand the impact that a situation have on a child as it happens.

I know of a story of a woman who had a deep phobia for traveling on trains. Through hypnosis she learnt why. As a young child, around 4 years old, she had been on a trip with her father. They were playing around in the train cabin and her father was tossing her up in the air. All of a sudden the train jolted and as the father stumbled the little girl fell towards the window. There were no real danger, the window was closed and her father got hold of her before she even feel down. But the chock on her father’s face combined with the feeling of falling and of the sounds of the train all got embedded in her brain. It all developed into a fear of trains that she just couldn’t understand.

No matter how hard we try to explain, coach and be there, we won’t make it 100% of the time. Life happens. We’re all a work in progress and never perfect. So my belief is that it’s part of my job to arm my children with the abilities to work their own shit out. To direct them towards critical thinking, knowledge of the brain and human tendencies/biases as well as evolutionary theory. I also believe that I’m uniquely positioned to provide them with background information from their early formative years.

Start recording – all aspects

Many people take pictures and record substantial parts of their everyday lives on social media. However there are few that record all aspects of life online. You don’t share the bad times, the mistakes and the everyday boring stuff that are also part of life.

Keeping some form of a diary will help you objectively remember the past. It might provide invaluable clues for you and your child into past experiences that can explain current behavior patterns.

The diary doesn’t have to be written by hand! I hesitated to get started for months because I believed it had to be done in some beautiful journal. It wasn’t until I gave myself permission to use my computer, with storage online, that I actually got started. All of a sudden I could write anytime I got a free moment independent of if I had the notebook with me or not.

One beautiful aspect of writing about your everyday experience with your children is how connected it makes them feel. Children love to hear about their past. Imagine sharing chapters from your diary many years later. Consider this opportunity to share your insight, your worries, your thoughts in a responsible way. This diary is not meant to be used to work through your personal doubts or hardships. That sort of diary is a subject for a whole series of other blog posts.

Write this diary with the intention of recording and of remembering each stage of your children’s development. Write with the intention of sharing it with them. Make sure you describe the up’s and the downs, include your potential worries for them, but most of all remember to write about the love and laughter and about all the learning.

Extract from my Diary

”It’s Friday today. She woke up at 6 AM, at least half an hour ahead of my plan 😉 and yet much better than at 5 AM like yesterday. I went and picked her up from her crib.  She was sitting up although she was still almost asleep, I carried her over to our bed. I tried to get a few more minutes of sleep while breastfeeding her. She lay there cuddling for a while and then stared pushing with her little legs. She eventually pushed herself up too far to reach the breast anymore so she got upset – I wonder when she’s going to make that connection. 😀

I treasure those quiet moments in the morning (if I’m not too tired). Especially when she’s extra sleepy because then she’s so cuddly. She slowly runs her warm, super soft little hand back and forth over my arm. It feels like she’s stroking me with love and it warms my heart. Sometimes when she gets a bit too eager, when she’s super hungry, she scratches or pushes –especially unpleasant if I haven’t trimmed her fingernails recently.

She figured out how to crawl about a month ago. I think the likes it. I believe I’ve noticed that she gets less upset when I leave a room when she knows she can come after me. She had some serious bruises on her knees from struggling to get up on all fours. She used a very funny method of not using her knees at all, instead getting up on her hands and feet. The bruises are gone now and she’s found an effective way to move around. She’s fast! Now I have to chase her around the apartment! Where did that baby go?!”

Nurturing our connection

Sharing the stories with my daughter makes us laugh and I feel the connection grow ever stronger. She loves the way I loved her. She loves to hear how curious, happy and funny she was even back then – I think it also reminds her that that beautiful creature is still part of her.

BeBrave

Being bored is sometimes the start of something new

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Bored

”I’m bored!” ”I have nothing fun to do!”

“Can I rent a movie or play on my IPhone?”

“Can I go buy an ice-cream?”

“What’s for breakfast, lunch, dinner?”

“You’re not bored – you’re boring!”

There are few things that trigger me as much as when my kids are whining about being bored. To be honest, they read my blog and will get mad if I’m not, they very seldom do nowadays. But I used to get super annoyed with them for complaining about not having anything fun to do or for bothering each other with stupid arguments because they had nothing better to do. They also used to nag me about getting something to eat when they were bored – it drove me nuts.

Someone once told me that if I was a person easily bored then I wasn’t really bored – I was being boring. It really hit me, hard. I didn’t want to be boring, I want to be a fun loving person that people like spending time with. Off course I didn’t want my kids to be boring either. Not for their own sakes and also because I’d feel like I’d failed them as a mother.

What used to bother me, wasn’t their expectation that I should somehow entertain them, it was the fact that they confronted me with my own feelings of being a bad mother.

I’m still triggered by my kids, even if it’s not by the exact same events, and I’ve been moving towards this summer vacation with mixed emotions. On the one hand I really love all the available time to spend with them. On the other, all that time leaves me no escape from being confronted by things that I still feel bad about. There’s nowhere to run, no work to hide in, no school and homework to use as an excuse to just keep doing. No way to avoid standing still to look at life just the way it is.

Most divorces are filed right after summer

Statistics show that September is the month when most divorces are filed. I bet part of the reason is that we set such high expectations on those precious few weeks/days that we chose to spend off from work. If we aren’t deliberately reasonable those days might be expected to solve all of the wants and needs we’ve been putting off during the entire year.

Redecorating the bedroom, losing ten pounds, starting a new online business, teaching the kids to speak a foreign language or two, buying new lingerie and seducing your husband, learning to cook healthy food, inspiring the family to ever higher ambitions and goals.

We seldom accuse our kids for our disappointments, we somehow instinctively know they aren’t to blame. The most appropriate direction to point that blame finger usually hurts the ego so bad that it’s unthinkable. So the only place left is on the other adult in the company.

After a few days of vacation, with parents lost under all that pressure, maybe our kids feel like divorcing us?

What if being bored is necessary

It’s crazy to, even for a second, consider avoiding my daughters, because, when I just stop and think about it I know that spending time with my kids is one of the most amazing and rewarding parts of my life. When we get enough time together, and I manage to be present, I’m always blown away as to how much wisdom they have. They are so full of life, wonder and love and they always make me laugh.

I know that when I lower my ambitions I become a much more loving person to be around. When I let go of guilt and blaming myself I feel lighter and I treat people around me ever so much better. I’ve been scared that letting go of the “shoulds” and “wants” for even a short while would make us lazy and in the end miserable. Afraid that feeling bored was the first sign of complete and utter decay. So boredom has had a really bad connotation.

But what if being bored isn’t equal to being boring people? What if being bored is the first necessary step towards a moment of connection over sharing something new? Maybe being bored is a sign that we finally have let go of all the musts and that we’ve freed some time to finally feel and breathe?

The last time my daughter said she was bored I asked her what she would like to do. She proposed a board game. We found one we’d never played before and spent an evening together laughing.

BeBrave

 

Provide a safe space to throw up in

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Safe space

How can you help your child get through difficult emotions? Can you provide a safe space and build trust enough that they will be able to tell you about their difficulties? Would you consider it an honor to hold her hair while she throws up?

When your loved ones are hurting

Not long ago I had a moment with one of my girls that had my heart clenched and my mind racing. She was open, vulnerable and talking to me.

All things I’ve wished for.

I’ve always felt I’d much rather know what’s going on inside of her than be blindsided by something further down the line.

So here we were but I was failing her.

She was letting all of her anxiety about growing up spill out. She was crying. And all I could do was force myself to NOT wrap my arms around her and promise I’d make everything ok.

In my mind all I could think was “how can I make her pain go away!?”. I managed to keep myself from forcing my physical clinginess on her but my mouth wasn’t doing a very good job. I kept trying to tell her how she’s gotten “it wrong”, “that life isn’t so hard – you just have to focus on the positives..”.. bla bla blaah…

She argued back and I kept trying to “enlighten”.

She kept saying “Mom, you don’t understand!”.

Don’t fight what is happening

It wasn’t until she turned quiet, tears softly rolling down her cheek that I got it. I had a moment to stop and just watch her. I saw the sadness and the frustration. I remembered times when I’ve felt the same and how lonely it feels when no one just listens. I remembered a quote that’s been at the core of my conscious parenting albeit not part of my instinctive routine;

Before she even cares about how much you know, she must know, truly in her heart, how much you love.

I stayed quiet and still, stopped trying to negate her hurt. Just watching her cry for a moment. Catching my breath and reminding myself that emotions aren’t dangerous. Relaxing into the moment and letting my need for things to be different dissolve.

I told her the truth. That I also feel overwhelmed sometimes. That I can find myself crying for no apparent reason or worrying about both small and seemingly huge life decisions.

I told her I’m sort of grateful that she’s spending some time pondering these big questions. That, maybe when she finds some clues she can share them with me.

She stopped fighting back against me the second I stopped trying to fix her.

Instead we talked. Back and forth. I listened to her thoughts and didn’t argue. I told her about some of my own worries and she listened. We didn’t resolve or come up with plans for actually solving anything. We didn’t have to, it wasn’t necessary.

We understand more about each other now. I feel closer to her than before.

Provide the bucket and gently hold her hair

I think it was Jairek Robbins, who first mentioned the concept of holding the basket for a woman while she cleans up. That sometimes women need to vent, to let go of some of the things that’s been building during the day.

Listen

Imagine a woman walking strongly through her daily life and imagine the world as a field of wildflowers and vines. During her dance, pins and needles get caught in her dress and her hair. When the night comes she’ll want to sit down and clean away the debris that’s attached itself to her. If you want to help her re-center herself the best support is often to just sit by her and hold the basket for her. Keep her company and hold the basket that she can throw the thorns, twigs and needles into.

Let her talk about her day and how different situations have made her feel. As she gets to speak about it she can release it into the basket and be free and cleansed.

You don’t need to help her pick out the thorns. All you need to do is to listen.

You don’t have to fix anything and you actually shouldn’t even try to help DO anything (unless specifically asked to). You sitting there, keeping her company, is all that is needed.

There is another, more vivid, metaphor on the same subject. Imagine the same basic situation – a woman has gone through her day and a lot of situations has occurred that have left her feeling a vast array of emotions. Imagine that she’s feeling ill because of all these emotions and that throwing up would make her feel calm and centered again. If you want to help her, then just provide the bucket and gently hold her hair while she pukes.

As a parent sometime all you can do is listen and hold the basket

I like these metaphors because of how vivid they are – I remember them.. usually.. eventually… Sometimes all you can do as a parent is to hold the basket for your child to throw up in.

If your child says “you don’t understand!” it’s a sure sign that it’s time to step back. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to shove that puke back down her throat?

It can be so difficult to just listen. You want to help, to give another perspective and to pass on all your own hard won life lessons. But what she needs is to find her own answers, fight her own battles, to learn to trust in her own ability to clean up her needles and pins.

If you are lucky you are invited to hold the basket – if you’re blessed and have earned her trust you just might get the chance to hold her hair while she pukes.

BeBrave

Self love – It’s a parents job to love and let go

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Teach self love

It’s hard to find a feeling more overwhelming than the love I feel for my children. The picture was taken when my daughter was about twelve months old and it reminds me of the role I believe I have as a mother. It’s my job to love my girls and to let go of them. To provide a safe haven that they can always count on and return to. I know that my love for them is always going to be more of my focus than their love for me will be for them. They are, and should be, busy going after life. Experiencing, epic failing, learning and adjusting. Having fun. Loving.

Loving her teaches her she’s worthy of love

I’ve listed my values and beliefs concerning my parenting on the MotherOfLions webpage; https://motheroflions.com/aboutcaution/ One of them states that “Children are born perfect and deserve love for who they are”. Children come to us perfect, innocent, present, joyful and it’s our job not to mess them up, not to dim their light.

As a parent I have an enormous opportunity to influence this new little human. By giving her my full attention, when she needs it, I teach her how worthy she is. When I express joy and pleasure for spending time with her I show how she has the influence to affect others positively. By me actively searching her out and asking for her company she feels she’s important.

The more I love her for just being her the more she opens up to me. I try to make it a habit to look into her eyes every morning and every night and tell her “I love you”. Sometimes she’s in a tired morning pre-teen kind of mood or in a busy don’t interrupt me kind of mood and just brushes it off. I believe it still seeps in. And sometimes she looks me right back in my eyes and tells me “I love you too mom”. You know.. with that presence and open honesty that completely floors me.

Your role as her parent is important

You can usually tell if a person was loved by her parents, when she was little, by how she shows up in the world. If you can provide a safe home where she feels loved and that she belongs you’ll have given her the baseline truth that she’s worthy of those feelings. She will expect it from life and what she looks for she will find. If she stays open and curious and keep expecting good things to come her way she’ll have an attitude towards people that is both disarming and magnetic.

But her understanding of the power of self love is more important

There is a video on Youtube called “Jessica’s Daily Affirmation”.  It shows a girl, approx. 5 years old, standing in front of her mirror stating everything she’s happy for and everything she likes. She likes her elephant and her dad (at least twice 🙂 ) and her sister and her hair and her pajamas 😀

I wish I could have given my daughters that idea when they were even younger and not already starting to care too much about what people think. I asked my daughter the other day if she’d ever stood in front of the mirror and told herself that she loves herself. She sort of balked at the idea. “No, that would feel a bit like bragging”. I’ve clearly got some work to do!

My plan is to keep depositing love into her emotional bank account (ref. Steven Covey) but also to try to figure out a way to explain to her, in a way that a 9-year old can relate to, how important it is to love oneself.

When she fills her own cup first she will have a continuous overflow of love to keep pouring on to others. If she loves herself she will treat others with even more compassion. If she doesn’t focus on loving herself first there won’t be enough of her for the rest of us – a very selfish way to handle her life 😉

My daughter is a complete love bug so my guess is those arguments will get her to at least consider practicing more self love.

Walk your talk – showing what self love looks like

Now read this post one more time – this time exchange all places that refer to a daughter with a reference to yourself. If you cannot show her what true self love looks like no amount of teaching or preaching will do it for her. You must do the work of looking inwards and finding what, if anything, is stopping you from loving yourself. Be courageous for yourself and your children and start a practice of looking yourself in the eyes, most easily done I a mirror ( 😉 ), morning and night and tell yourself that you love you.

If you want to take it to master class level then goolge “Mirror exercise” by Lisa Nichols. It’s a simple but very powerful exercise that feels SO WEIRD the first couple of times you do it. I highly recommend it 😀

BeBrave

How often do you let your inner child lead towards playfulness?

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Playfulness

What would change your feelings towards playfulness when you’re faced with a negative situation? What could you add or subtract to make an experience that you earlier thought of as an energy drain into something at least neutral or maybe even fun? When was the last time you stopped and listened to that inner child begging you to play?

Photo of the inner children

I saw the photo credited to Gerome Viavant , taken at Burning man, a couple of years ago. To me this constellation is truly inspiring and thought provoking. It’s a beautiful piece of art showing us our inner children. I realized many years ago that I have, indeed, a young girl inside of me. She’s about the age of five – you can reason with her but she’s kinda easily frightened. My girl usually needs me to reassure her and make her feel safe – she’s the voice of my girlish fears.

I’ve had occasions where I’ve had to take her by the hand and tell her it’ll be ok. Inside my mind I’ve literally said the words “baby, I know you’re afraid right now, but it’s going to be okay. We need to do this even if it’s scary”.

I’ve also had the distinct feeling that it’s that little girl who keeps me sulking long after I, as an adult, think it’s reasonable. When I’ve been in an argument with someone I care about and my conscious mind really only wants to get back on track with that person there she is, that pouting little girl, stopping me. An art constellation describing that voice would be more accurate with the inner children turned away in resentment and hurt.

The real photo, I believe, describes another voice. The one that doesn’t take things so seriously. More like that of Anna in Frozen – “Do you want to build a snowman? Come on, let’s go and play!”.

Can playfulness be a choice?

What would happen if you added a little, or a lot, more play to your life?

What addition would make your everyday chores more enjoyable? And what about exercise? Or spending dinner with your family? How could you bring laughter into dinner time in a way that’d leave you gasping for breath because you’d be laughing so hard? Would your teenagers look forward to family dinner time more if that was the setting?

I love using music to brighten my mood. Music and candles 🙂 Almost every family meal is accompanied by lit candles. The music we listen to differs a little depending on what time of day it is. Calm in the mornings, upbeat during the weekends and evenings. Sometimes we sing along and goof around or start dancing in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, we also spend some meals in silence because we’re just irritated or too tired to talk – we Are a pretty normal family 🙂

My point is this. Why would you want to do something one way when there’s possibly other ways to do the same thing that include laughter and fun? What does your inner child say? What are some things you loved doing as a child that would surprise your children or even your spouse if you did today?

Can cleaning your room be fun?

When my daughter Emelie was younger she had a really cool way of tidying her room. She’s always had a vivid imagination and she never minded spending time on her own. When the time came to tidy her room she made it into a game. I’d hear play going on in her room and sometimes go to remind her to get started. But she’d be in full tidying mode already half done – she’d “invented a game to make it more fun” 🙂

Her Pet shop pets were involved. She’d separate them into three different teams and then start a competition for them. The team that got their tidying done first would be the winner. Then she’d go through team after team and let each team progress in their area. The dogs would start with the table that was filled with pens, glue, paper and other traces of creativity. When they’d gotten a long way she’d switch to the cats team and get them working on getting all the laundry into the laundry basket. When almost all clothes were gone she’d move on to the third group (horses?, birds?.. don’t know..) and get them busy with tidying everything off of the floor. Then back to the first group and on and on until all groups were almost done – the exciting finale; which team would stand as the winning one?

It took her something like three times as long to tidy up but she’d have a great time doing it and it got done. A win-win for everyone 🙂

Would you like to share your ideas for making family life fun and enjoyable on a weekday basis? Please leave a comment and share! 🙂

BeBrave

Do you ask for help or are you afraid of being rejected?

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Ask

“Why didn’t you just ask me? I could’ve helped you if only I’d known!” If your child, spouse or a friend turned to you and asked you for help – how would that make you feel? Wouldn’t you feel really good? Provided you had the time to help off course.

Asking for help has been something I’ve had to relearn as an adult. Why is it so hard to ask for help even when I know how good it feels to be able to help others?

Going from dependence to independence

A child goes through many phases during the first decade of growing up. One that keeps coming back, once a year or so, is the fight for independence; “I can do it myself!” “I know you can honey, but could you show me how you can tie your shoes another time and not right now that the buss is leaving???”

The need for independence is a strong urge for humans. I believe nature gave us the drive to learn and to become capable of taking care of ourselves to help us survive. We’re born completely dependent but we fight for our independence as soon as we can.

Yet we feel the best when we contribute, when we feel we are significant and when we’re connected to others by the acts giving and getting support – interdependence seems to be the level after independence.

Studies show that we’re wired for giving

In his research into influencing people, Robert Chialdini came across some core human drivers that correlates to the topic of dependence and interdependence – like the drive for helping. The study explains that it’s a human trait, endorsed by ancient tribe culture, to want to give as much or more than we receive. This is to ensure that we are perceived as a valuable member and will be safe within the tribe.

One example of this shows up is as an impulse to want to repay a perceived debt. There are scam artists that have put this knowledge into play. It’s done by giving a small insignificant gift, e.g. cleaning your windshield, and then asking for payment. I once was jumped by an old woman literally wrestling a string bracelet around my wrist and then getting super angry cursing me when I refused to pay for the assault.

I get really pissed at people who do such unasked for favors expecting me to pay them. The anger come as a reaction to feeling that I actually owe them something even though I practically fought against the “gift”. The anger comes even though my rational brain knows it shouldn’t. The wiring is instinctual.

That instinct, combined with the consensual act of giving, comes with a flood of positive feelings. It feels really great to do things for others. To give is to feel like you matter. To help someone you love makes you feel connected and significant.

So why is it so hard to ask?

I’ve always resisted the need for help, asking for help has actually left me feeling helpless and raw. Independence and being able to stand on my own has been huge. How could I rely on anyone else when I can’t trust them to do things “my way”. My fixed mindset have had me believing there IS a right way to do things.

And hey, the things I really need help with are either really messy emotional “help me manage my self-doubt and dark thoughts”-issues or practical “I really want this heavy furniture out of our living room”-urgent kinda issues.

So I usually feel uneasy asking for help. One part of the unease it that I risk being denied, rejected. Do you have a child that hates the word “no”? I mean more than just the normal disappointment in not getting what she/he asked for but that actually hates being rejected? I’m like that still – work in progress.

Another part of the unease comes from that “debt” that I feel building up towards the one I’ve asked for help. If I can’t do something for that person in turn then I’ll eventually feel like I’m leeching of that person. This results in it being way easier to ask for help from someone who asks me for help now and then.

I practice asking for help

I’ve realized that for people to ask me for help and letting me feel needed and valuable then I have to ask them for help as well. I have to open up my life and let people in so they know how to help me. I’m still learning. The journey, so far, has gone something like this:

1st step: Ask for help but make clear exactly how I wanted things done

2nd step: Resist until life kicked my ass and make it very obvious that I NEED help

3rd step: Ask for help only in the minor, not so important things, and not care about the how

4th step: Realize that I was still not feeling connected nor achieving the goals I’ve set out for my life

5th step: Ask for true help from a place of vulnerability

It’s not easy, I’m still walking the wilderness (ref. Brené Brown) with this issue. But the unease is worth it! The feeling of connection, as well as the actual help, and the sharing of gratitude warms my heart and leaves me feeling loved and safe.

Do you ask for help?

The actionable concept of this post would be amiss if it didn’t relate to asking for help.

  1. Write down a list of things you would really like to have solved in your life.
  2. Think of three people that you love and would really like to be able to help in some way.
  3. Choose one important thing from your list of things – that you need help with – for each person that you would like to help and go make that ask. Stay open and true – explain why you need the help and how much it would mean to you to get it.

Remember, most people live really busy lives and might not have time to schedule helping someone else right away. Don’t take it personally if you’re denied the help. What you’ve done, even by just asking, is open up the communication about helping and this will empower your relationship in the future.

BeBrave

Have fun with your family

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Family fun

When did you last do something completely unexpected for your children? Having fun together is the absolutely best way I know to influence our family connection both in the short immediate situation but also in a longer perspective. I wish I had more fun with my daughters, in fact it’s been on my radar for a while and is now on my goals for this year – To laugh every day! 😀

Surprising the ones I care about is just about the thing I love the most. Wrapping Christmas gifts or planning a treasure hunt or planning for birthdays fills me with warmth, connection and .. well it might sound “Hallmark’y” but.. infinite gratitude!

Surprising the people you love

I once participated in a surprise “graduation celebration” for a beloved family member. She was retiring from her teaching career and we planned to kidnap her from the school in old school graduation ceremony manner when her last day was done. By chance she unknowingly escaped us and beat us home but we just brought the celebration to her house 😉 I still smile when I think about how much fun we had and how happy she got.

The most legendary surprise I’ve pulled of with my daughters was that day we went to the amusement park. On a school day! It was planned and I had even asked for formal leave from school so everything was approved. But my girls didn’t know that. In the morning I woke them up and we had breakfast as usual. When we went to put our clothes on to go to school I let them get half-dressed then said “You know what? I don’t feel like going to work today. What do you say, shouldn’t we go to the amusement park instead??” Their faces.. the BEST surprise ever! The blog photo is from that day. We had a beautiful day and we still talk about that memory.

Plan a “date” with your child

If you have more than one kid it’s sometimes hard to get quality time with them individually. I read Steven Coveys 7 Habits for successful Families a couple of years ago and have implemented one of the concept described there. To plan a solo-date with my children. At least once a year we decide on a date, plan for the other child to be with the other parent and start the planning. The idea is to plan for a day that that particular child will enjoy. Last time my youngest and I went swimming and then to a cafe to have some cake. My eldest and I went to the science fiction/fantasy bookstore and then went shopping for some clothes.

Remember to plan ahead so you can really clear your schedule and mind of other things. If you set a date then make sure that you don’t move it. Make this day important for you and it will be important for your child. It can truly be a close and warm experience if you give all your attention and take it seriously. Your child will feel important and seen.

Oh, and remember to focus on having fun and on the child that’s there. Don’t talk about siblings. Don’t give in to any impulse to use this close time for bringing up issues. If your child brings up something then listen and answer questions and give your full attention.

Laugh together

There’s a saying in Swedish that translates to “A good laugh will prolong your life”. Even if my daughters have given me some grey hairs and way too little sleep they’ve netted me many days on my life span. They make me laugh. They are so good at living in the moment and enjoying the now. My little mindfulness experts!

When I’m laughing it’s like I’m magnetic. Both my daughters are drawn to the sound of laughter. It’s not that strange when I think about it. I really enjoy hearing their bubbling laughter as well. We went to the movies just the other day to watch Ferdinand, the latest Disney movie. I must say I love how they always include little things in children’s movies for us adults. There was a dance show down at one point that had me gasping for air with laughter. I think I was enjoying it more than any of the kids there. 😀 We laughed a lot after the movie talking about different scenes and we’ve talked about that dance scene a number of times since last week.

How do you have fun with your family? Do you plan surprises? Let me know in the comments below. Share the joy!

BeBrave

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