Family Connection

Leadership in a family setting – who’s the locomotive?

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Leadership

What does leadership look like in a family context? Who is the leader in your household? Do you want your children to do as you say and follow your lead?

Some years ago, during a lecture on leadership in a corporate setting, I heard the metaphor of the locomotive. It made a strong impression on me and I decided to make a visual trigger of it to remind myself of the theory. I made a special order to a sliver smith and got a pendant to wear.

The locomotive as a metaphor for leadership

The story went something like this: “Imagine that you’re the locomotive, the one who’s going in front and leading the way. If you want the wagons to follow, you must make sure they’re thoroughly coupled before you set of. Since wagons don’t move by themselves you have to be the one backing up to them. You have to find them and go to them, in the railway yard or elsewhere, and make it possible to connect to you.

Don’t stand there on the track shouting to wagons to come join you. Don’t expect wagons to be able to move on their own. Wagons are explicitly made to carry things and people, not to provide power or chose direction.”

Who’s the locomotive or the wagon in a situation might differ depending on the skillset required and the people involved. Neither position is better than the other, both functions are needed for the train to perform according to design. The story highlights however that there are different skillsets needed for the locomotive and for the wagon.

Stepping up and accepting the role as locomotive

In her book, Kids are worth it!, Barbara Coloroso describes three different types of parenting styles; backbone, brick-wall and jellyfish. The backbone family is the preferred style. It’s based on the idea that families’ fare best when parents lead from their backbones; guided by clear, communicated beliefs and accepting responsibility for defining rules and following through on them.

Stepping up front is sometimes scary. You’re vulnerable and the people around you depend on you. The more often you take the lead the more comfortable you’ll get. As with anything it comes down to practice. About 8 years ago I was appointed a management position at work. I found myself confronted by a number of uncomfortable situations where others looked to me for direction. I remember a specific challenge we had regarding sales.

As in many companies our employees were struggling with the concept of sales. They felt like they were trying to fool our customers into buying our services. I knew I had to change this culture. We needed to believe the truth, that we were solving problems, that what we did brought true value. I also needed to show them how fun sales can be. I decided to do some role playing.

My employees got the role of customer and I was our company’s sales person. They prepared a devil’s advocate case and then we got started. It was scary and I was nervous but we worked through it all. I believe that I earned respect for showing up and being willing to stumble and learn in real time together with my colleagues.

Stepping up front in a family setting can be setting a fixed time for when your kids should be in bed. It can be deciding that you’re limiting candy consumption or screen time.

Make sure the wagons are coupled safely before setting out

The story of the train describes both the need for someone to take on the role of the locomotive, either as a parent or in a work environment, and the need for the locomotive to enable the coupling of the wagons.

I used to get frustrated with my kids when they wouldn’t listen to me. People at work should follow my suggestions and when they didn’t I felt personally insulted. I expected people around me to not only understand me but to automatically comply with my wishes and ideas. Yeah, sounds more like a dictator than a diplomat, I know. I was definitely acting as a wannabe locomotive standing there on the rail, ready to push forward, hollering to potential wagons to come join me.

I felt it was unnecessary to explain my vision. If people didn’t see it then they were not the right people. Now I know it had more to do with me being unwilling to be vulnerable in sharing my vision. What if people didn’t want to join me because they didn’t like my ideas?

I’ve come to accept that with the role of locomotive comes the unavoidable task of “selling” and explaining. It takes conscious effort to think through arguments that will inspire my children and coworkers to connect to my ideas and join me for the ride. The strongest couplings are made when the wagons latch on due to a shared belief and desire.

Even if it’s taken some imagination we’ve made even bedtimes, screen time limitations and sugar restrictions into accepted agreements. I’ve taken my time explaining my reasoning, painting a picture of the goal filling it with positive possibilities and voiced my strong beliefs and dreams for our family.

Do you want to practice the role of the locomotive?

Not everyone feel comfortable taking on the leadership role and there are plenty of situations where you don’t have to. But as a parent you need to practice being the locomotive. Your children look to you for guidance and instructions.

Here are some possible steps to help you practice:

  1. Pick a specific situation you want to practice/change. It can be a situation where, in the past, you’ve not stepped up front as the locomotive or a situation where you feel you’ve not managed to convince your family yet.
  2. Step into the leadership role. Take some time alone to think through the situation. What is your desired result? What does the people involved want out of this situation?
  3. Practice selling your vision
    • Explain the challenge in respectful terms
    • Paint a vision that inspire and commit yourself truly to your goal
    • Make a plan together – it’s easier to commit to a plan you’ve been part of creating

The most effective way to lead is still by your own actions but remember the impact of “selling” your vision. Committing emotionally and out loud to your dreams will ease the way for your wagons to connect.

BeBrave

Pick the best moment to avoid unnecessary conflict

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Moment

The first thing greeting you when you walk in the door is a heap of shoes, a couple of backpacks and jackets sprawled over the floor. Depending on your mood at this moment your reactions might scale from simply stepping over the mess to completely losing control and start screaming out loud. Is it possible, in a family with children, to have a tidy hallway without conflict?

Sometimes my family drives me nuts

Clothes in the hallway and personal things strewn over the counter tops in the kitchen is one thing. Another is in the mornings, when we’re in a hurry to get going, and someone just now realizes that the gym clothes hasn’t been washed or that this or that important thing can’t be found.

Or how about when it’s time for bed and you walk in expecting (hoping? praying?) to find your daughter in bed waiting for her bedtime story. You’d hoped she’d brushed her teeth, gotten undressed and was already snuggled down in bed. And there she is, toys all over the floor, immersed in play. You know you have another 20 minutes of preparing before you’re in reading mode. There went your 20 minutes to yourself before you have to be in bed yourself…

These situations become conflicts when they’re combined with a perceived lack of time. If we have to be somewhere at a certain time or if it’s my “alone time” being compromised.

Logistical conflicts is one source but the thing that trigger most conflict in my life, these days, is people’s tone of voice. The other night my daughter wanted me to help her with her English homework. She was tired and stressed and when I didn’t just say “everything looks okay, well done” she snapped at my suggestions. Another typical tone-of-voice-based conflict is when we have to go buy clothes or shoes. Neither of my girls likes shopping (I know what you’re thinking, “Be grateful for that! It’ll change!” ;)) so when we have to, they almost always drag their feet and mumble.

A third area of possible conflict is when it comes to limiting screen time.

What is the desired result?

So far I’ve listed a number of clearly defined situations where conflict comes up in our family setting. If you think about it, could you also make a list of such situations that happen in your family? Every family is unique so the specific situations will be unique to you. There are some basic areas that come up for most families but it’s in the specific details that you’ll find the power to really impact your life.

When you have a list, now it’s time to dream. What would be the best scenario for each situation? What is your dream goal? Remember to dream big and to include all family member’s perspectives.

Ask yourself;

  • What would be the most amazing outcome for me in this situation?
  • What would be the most amazing outcome for my children in this situation?
  • Since you’re in this together, what are some compromises that you can already see would be acceptable for you?

For me I’d really love it if the hallway was tidy when I come home from work. I SO appreciate calm and stress free mornings where I don’t have to remind my children about anything. Walking them to school when we’re in a good mood and have time to talk and connect is wonderful. I also love helping them with their homework, I really do. When there’s time to do it properly and with a playful feeling. Lying next to them, talking, before they fall asleep is one of my favorite times of my day – but it becomes a guilt filled burden when they’re not in bed “on time” and lying next to them will mean no adult alone time for me that night.

How can you avoid everyday situations turning into conflict?

So now you have a list of situation that come up in your family setting that create conflict. You also have a pretty good idea of how the ideal situations would look like. So how do you go about changing? It’s simple but not easy. J There’s a foundational set-the-stage kind of activity to do and there’s a habit of managing your anger in the moment to learn.

Setting the stage – preparing for avoiding conflict

Having conflict in a family is tough on everyone involved. It’s not just you that get badly impacted when you get irritated or angry. Clothes on the floor might not be a problem for your child but having an angry mom definitely is. And even if the mom keeps her anger to herself, she’s likely not connecting with love to that child. So when someone in your family have a problem with something, all of you are effected.

No one likes conflict and children will cooperate to avoid it if given the right tools. When you know of a situation that create conflict you can decide beforehand on how to manage it. You can agree on a strategy, try it out and adjust if needed, until you find something that works for you.

Here’s the most important advice: Don’t try to come up with a strategy during the actual situation. Wait until all feelings are calmed and there’s no risk of anyone feeling judged or criticized.

As parents, do your homework before inviting the children into the conversation. It’s paramount that you agree on the dream situation, on what compromises you can live with, and that you support each other. Then plan for how to approach the subject. What will be the best time to gather your family to have this conversation? Everyone should feel that they have time, that they’re safe and valued and that their perspective is going to be heard. Think through why you want to talk.

Make sure that this conversation isn’t perceived as a conflict in itself. The feeling and atmosphere of this meeting/dialogue should be one of curiosity, care and a shared will to contribute to a gorgeous family.

When conflict hits you in the face

Setting the stage and agreeing on your family strategy for avoiding and working through conflict is one thing. But we’re all a work in progress and since children, and adults, change over time new conflicts arise. Also, regardless of how thoughtfully you’ve worked out your strategies, some days will trigger you more than others. Life happens. You’ll have slept too little, someone might be turning sick or be emotionally hurting and all of a sudden your strategy isn’t working.

In those moments it’s helpful to have a short term strategy in place. I know it might sound impossible to have a strategy for how to act when your agreed upon strategy isn’t working. But this strategy is different. It’s your personal strategy for managing yourself when the family strategy for this situation isn’t working or isn’t in place yet.

The personal strategy for managing conflict

  • Step 1. Practice turning an angry thought into a genuine compliment. In the moment, when you get angry, the first priority is to get out of that limiting feeling. The necessity to address the conflict is still as valid and should not be ignored, see step 2, but getting back to an empowering feeling comes first.
    Don’t fake a compliment. Breathe and remind yourself of something you actually love or appreciate about the other person. Say it like you mean it.
    This will result in two things; you will have remembered a true positive feeling which your brain will act upon and make come true in your body and the one you’re talking to will feel appreciated and open up towards you.
  • Step 2. Make a note to yourself about the situation. If you don’t write this down you will forget about the details. Describe what happened, what you were upset about, how and what someone said and how you interpreted it.
  • Step 3. Own the responsibility for picking a good moment to talk about what has happened and coming up with a family strategy. You might feel that it’s unnecessary to bring it up when it’s “already over” but chances are that the situation will come up again if you don’t address it. Also everyone will learn to understand each other better if we invite them to hear about our experience. Your children want you to be happy and to feel loved. But how can they understand how to treat you if you don’t explain your preferences and your triggers?

A final note on the personal strategy; When you mess up and get angry at your family – which will happen – use that opportunity to demonstrate what owning your shit looks like. Say you’re sorry and rebuild the connection.

BeBrave

Can you teach a child to become an entrepreneur?

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Literacy

I’ve recently written a few blog posts about finances and how one can talk to children about money. I believe it’s a subject we need to talk about and research at home. This time I thought I’d try to introduce the concept of “financial literacy” as well as a few basic ideas about supporting a young entrepreneur.

Financial literacy – getting comfortable talking in terms of money

Have you ever been in a situation where people have been talking about something that you feel you don’t quite understand? Some people jump into such conversations, seemingly without a thought as to how they might look to others, and eagerly start asking questions. I applaud such behavior and I encourage it in myself and in my children, but it’s not always easy. I hesitate to show my ignorance at times and I know it’s my fixed mindset rearing its ugly head.

But how are you ever going to become better if you never learn new things?

According to Wikipedia, Financial literacy means: “the possession of the set of skills and knowledge that allows an individual to make informed and effective decisions with all of their financial resources.”

I thought finances was boring and difficult to understand. So many words and terms that sounded important and complicated. But when I decided that I wanted to understand it, and committed myself to become a student again, I realized it was easier than I expected.

Start with the basic stuff; Money and the value of it, banks, bank accounts, credit cards and debit cards and cash machines. You probably know those terms already but have you talked to your children about them? Maybe search Youtube to look for videos that can help visualize, https://youtu.be/AjTwcQYgISA

Next comes terms like income, expenses, interest and investments. Other terms that could be beneficial to look into are; passive income, financial security and financial freedom. When it comes to investing, which will be interesting for older children, see what you can research together. Look for information on risk-reward ratio, fundamental analysis as well as ROI and exit plan.

When you feel you got the hang of these concepts, test your understanding by teaching them to your children. When you can explain something so that someone else understands it, the theory becomes truly yours.

Create money

So now that you know about money, as a concept, how can you create more of it?

Money is given in exchange for something that the buyer believes is valuable. Different people need/want different things. The trick is to find the right combination of products/services and the right kind of people that will value them. It sounds simple on paper right? Well, that’s because it is! You need to figure out a product or a service that you can provide to the exact people that wants to pay money for it.

It’s simple but not easy. It’s like with everything in life, if it were easy then everyone would be doing it. 🙂 You need to become a very curious and tenacious detective.

Start by asking and answering these types of questions:

  • What seems to be a problem to the people around me? What does people talk about as problems in their life? Is there something that seems to be a burden even if they don’t talk about it?
  • When does the problem appear? At specific times/days/situations?
  • Have anyone tried to solve these problems before and can I learn from that and do it even better?
  • How can I find out what people would be willing to pay for having this problem solved?

Children catch on quickly to knowledge and they don’t have the same restrictions as adults do. Don’t be surprised if your children start applying their new knowledge in creative and sometimes completely unrealistic ways.

Supporting a budding entrepreneur

Every experiment they do will teach them and deepen their understanding. Encourage every idea that comes up and participate without taking over. If you can lend your enthusiasm to the endeavor your child will anchor a positive feeling towards trying new ideas. Help them when they ask for help and only with what they ask for.

I don’t believe entrepreneurship is the only way to find fulfillment or to make money. Being an entrepreneur is one way, seeking employment at a company or organization is another. Using the “problem solving”-focus is an effective tool for deciding on career options regardless. For example it might be good to evaluate the company you want to join in terms of what problems they are solving. If they don’t know and understand the solutions they are providing for their customers there’s a high risk that this company won’t be around for long.

Being an entrepreneur isn’t better than taking up position as an employee. Having said that, I believe kids are exceptionally equipped to think entrepreneurially and I think the future job market will reward that way of thinking. If you want to support your children into this way of thinking there is a possible trap worth to consider.

When your child is young the closest people they know are you and your extended family. There’s a big chance that you will be considered the first potential customer. Maybe your kids, or your relative’s kids, have been trying to sell you things to earn money for some school activity? My kids wanted to bake cookies and sell to me so that we could have cookies for snacks at home. Very smart – two birds in one stone – they’d get money and yummy snacks 😉

Supporting a budding entrepreneur in a family setting

Parents and family members are the perfect customers to get a first great win in an entrepreneurial journey. But we’re not representative to customers in scale. We have a relationship to our kids that needs to be clarified. Our relationship is based on love and connection and money isn’t part of that. Money shouldn’t be offered as a sign of love or as a substitute for connection. If the love and connection is there then you won’t feel conflicted to simply say “no thanks” if your 7 year old asks to sell you a necklace she’s made.

There’s also a risk of losing focus from encouraging your children when they come up with great ideas to solve some problem you have. You might feel that your child should want to do this service for you for free. You might feel that as a family member your child is selfish if she tries to “take advantage of” your situation. If this is the case you will benefit from defining your expectations for how you interact as a family beforehand. Make your specific family rules for “helping out” clear together.

When your child approaches you with a “sales offer”, teach her to ask about what the value would be for you. Sometimes you might say “It would be really nice to get that thing or that service but I’m not willing to pay for it”. Be clear about what you value so that your child can get an understanding of how customers think.

Above all, if you want to foster an inquisitive problem solver, you’ll benefit most from encouraging the very act of coming up with the ideas and for acting on them.

As always..

BeBrave

Be the witness, the mirror and the recording machine

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Diary

Keeping a diary dedicated to recording the formative years of your children’s lives is a twofold gift.

Acting as a filter to life’s experiences

As parents, or other adults around children, we have a unique opportunity to give a child context. We’re there watching as they start experiencing life, learning and growing. We observe their development and we help them make sense of what happens. As parents we see the cause and effect that our children participate in, we have an adult perspective and understand the bigger picture.

As children grow, and experience new situations, they gradually create foundational rules that they start to lean on to make everyday decisions. Humans are driven by two forces; to avoid pain and to gain pleasure. Everyday we’re faced with hundreds of variations of situations we’ve been in before. By the age of 8-10 our brains have collected enough data to draw quick conclusions/assumptions as to weather a situation will be painful or pleasurable. This is a great function of the brain, it helps us to become fast decision makers.

The only problem is when the experiences you’ve encountered as a child mistakenly are stored as painful ones. Children are sensitive, their brains not fully developed, so everything that gets stored goes deep. Children are also biased towards egocentricity and will by default interpret every situation as if it was centered on them. As an example a child will take on responsibility for someone else’s bad mood regardless of it being the cause of it or not.

As adults we can help children reason through experiences to help store as many positive and empowering foundations as possible.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

In the science fiction movie Avatar (2009) you encounter an indigenous people of the planet Pandora called the Na’vi. The Na’vi have a special phrase for greeting one another, it translates to “I see you” in English.

I also have a strong visual memory, in the same category, from another movie. It’s from a scene with John Travolta in the movie Face off. John, in the movie named Sean, moves his hand slowly down in front of his sons face. I love how consciously intentional the action is to anchor them into the moment and of really seeing each other. It’s a beautiful scene, filled with love, which has stuck in my mind.

Adults that commits time and energy to be present and really see a child will make that child come alive. Being seen is like feeling the sun come out of the clouds, warm and bright. A central part of our human set up, as social beings, is how we strive to reach the expectations of others. We give enormous power, to influence our well being, to the ones we’ve enlisted to be part of our tribe.

Children don’t get to choose their tribe, they’re stuck with us 😉 That means we are in the honorable position to be their first and most important mirrors. What we see when we see them, what we allow to be reflected back to them, will mold them for life.

It’s impossible to catch everything as it happens

We don’t always understand the impact that a situation have on a child as it happens.

I know of a story of a woman who had a deep phobia for traveling on trains. Through hypnosis she learnt why. As a young child, around 4 years old, she had been on a trip with her father. They were playing around in the train cabin and her father was tossing her up in the air. All of a sudden the train jolted and as the father stumbled the little girl fell towards the window. There were no real danger, the window was closed and her father got hold of her before she even feel down. But the chock on her father’s face combined with the feeling of falling and of the sounds of the train all got embedded in her brain. It all developed into a fear of trains that she just couldn’t understand.

No matter how hard we try to explain, coach and be there, we won’t make it 100% of the time. Life happens. We’re all a work in progress and never perfect. So my belief is that it’s part of my job to arm my children with the abilities to work their own shit out. To direct them towards critical thinking, knowledge of the brain and human tendencies/biases as well as evolutionary theory. I also believe that I’m uniquely positioned to provide them with background information from their early formative years.

Start recording – all aspects

Many people take pictures and record substantial parts of their everyday lives on social media. However there are few that record all aspects of life online. You don’t share the bad times, the mistakes and the everyday boring stuff that are also part of life.

Keeping some form of a diary will help you objectively remember the past. It might provide invaluable clues for you and your child into past experiences that can explain current behavior patterns.

The diary doesn’t have to be written by hand! I hesitated to get started for months because I believed it had to be done in some beautiful journal. It wasn’t until I gave myself permission to use my computer, with storage online, that I actually got started. All of a sudden I could write anytime I got a free moment independent of if I had the notebook with me or not.

One beautiful aspect of writing about your everyday experience with your children is how connected it makes them feel. Children love to hear about their past. Imagine sharing chapters from your diary many years later. Consider this opportunity to share your insight, your worries, your thoughts in a responsible way. This diary is not meant to be used to work through your personal doubts or hardships. That sort of diary is a subject for a whole series of other blog posts.

Write this diary with the intention of recording and of remembering each stage of your children’s development. Write with the intention of sharing it with them. Make sure you describe the up’s and the downs, include your potential worries for them, but most of all remember to write about the love and laughter and about all the learning.

Extract from my Diary

”It’s Friday today. She woke up at 6 AM, at least half an hour ahead of my plan 😉 and yet much better than at 5 AM like yesterday. I went and picked her up from her crib.  She was sitting up although she was still almost asleep, I carried her over to our bed. I tried to get a few more minutes of sleep while breastfeeding her. She lay there cuddling for a while and then stared pushing with her little legs. She eventually pushed herself up too far to reach the breast anymore so she got upset – I wonder when she’s going to make that connection. 😀

I treasure those quiet moments in the morning (if I’m not too tired). Especially when she’s extra sleepy because then she’s so cuddly. She slowly runs her warm, super soft little hand back and forth over my arm. It feels like she’s stroking me with love and it warms my heart. Sometimes when she gets a bit too eager, when she’s super hungry, she scratches or pushes –especially unpleasant if I haven’t trimmed her fingernails recently.

She figured out how to crawl about a month ago. I think the likes it. I believe I’ve noticed that she gets less upset when I leave a room when she knows she can come after me. She had some serious bruises on her knees from struggling to get up on all fours. She used a very funny method of not using her knees at all, instead getting up on her hands and feet. The bruises are gone now and she’s found an effective way to move around. She’s fast! Now I have to chase her around the apartment! Where did that baby go?!”

Nurturing our connection

Sharing the stories with my daughter makes us laugh and I feel the connection grow ever stronger. She loves the way I loved her. She loves to hear how curious, happy and funny she was even back then – I think it also reminds her that that beautiful creature is still part of her.

BeBrave

Escaping your unset goals – procrastinating with short term pleasures

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Procrastinating

Procrastinating is a devious habit. The more you do it the more familiar and normal it feels. I know I have some perceived important, but scary or comprehensive, work to do when I find myself binge watching 3 chic flicks or rummaging through the pantry, for the fourth time in 15 minutes, looking for some unspecified treat.

Procrastinating doesn’t make you better or worse

You know that feeling when, after a day of doing nothing, you go to bed berating yourself for a “wasted day”? “What was the point of even waking up today? I haven’t done anything to push forward and the things I did do wasn’t even pleasurable. Tomorrow will be better, a fresh start! No more laziness, no more hiding, no more excuses.”

It’s a common misconception to associate procrastination with an inferior character. But putting things off doesn’t make you any worse, or better, than anyone else. Being stuck in measuring your value based on what you are or are not doing, in any given day, is just adding pressure to your life and also making you miss the point of being alive in the first place.

The definition of procrastinating reads; “putting of action until a future time”. What you’re doing then is pushing something, let’s call this something X, forward in your schedule. That doesn’t sound so bad does it? You’re still planning on doing it, just not right now.

Don’t fret about procrastinating. Loading it with guilt or giving it some loser-label will only make you refrain from changing. Like a tick, your subconscious, will dig in deeper to make sure you never have the chance to face what’s going on. If you equate procrastinating with being a looser, you’ve just made it even harder for yourself to notice when you’re doing it.

Be gentle towards yourself and don’t make matters unbearably difficult. Identify that there is something, X, that you seem to want to get done that, for some reason, fills you with resistance. It’s not worse than that. Right now there is some resistance to doing X.

What does procrastinating look like to you?

I watch movies, read novels or eat when I procrastinate. What is your preferred activity when you really should be doing something else? If you stop and think for a moment, what is it you do that feels good in the moment but that you regret later on?

Another question to ponder is how big of a problem procrastination is in your life. Habits and addictions are only bad for you if they feel bad for you (or someone else) 🙂 There’s no right or wrong in terms of what you decide to spend your time on. If you want to spend your day laying in the sunshine drinking piña colada then by all means. As long as you don’t interfere with someone else happiness or opportunity to do what they want to do you’re free to do whatever. No one should judge you for doing what you want to do.

If you procrastinate taking out the trash by drinking a cup of tea and relaxing then the problem maybe isn’t that huge. It’s when you stop taking action on the important stuff that the procrastination becomes an issue worth addressing.

When is it Procrastinating and when is it Enjoying your life?

Procrastinating is a sneaky habit. It usually comes in the form of something that contribute to the very point of being alive; as something you really enjoy doing. The activity usually is something that under different circumstances would have been irrefutably good for you. Watching TV or allowing myself a treat can be part of a relaxing or entertaining event that gives my life joy and connection.

Meeting my friends and catching up on their lives, helping each other with challenges and celebrating progress and important events, make me feel loved and like I matter. Spending time with the same people gossiping about problems or going through the same litany of events, reminiscing the past, without moving forward however, is just a waste of time. Procrastination hidden under the flag of “caring for a relationship/being there for someone”.

Why do we do it..

What makes you push your head into the sand in the first place? The generally known theory is that people procrastinate because of one of the following reasons;

  1. They’ve made the thing they have to do, X, into something too big so they can’t see the clearly everything that needs to be done. – They don’t know what to do.
  2. They don’t see the point of doing it – Why is it important and for whom?

.. and how do we get out of it?

There are some proven strategies that could be worth trying:

  1. Make yourself aware of your procrastination before you’re doing it!
    Take out that pen and paper and sit down and think through the last time you procrastinated. It’s important to do this when you’re NOT in the action but instead at a time when you feel calm and happy. Think through what you were doing. What excuses were you telling yourself and what activities were you indulging in? What were the signs that you now know were telling?
    If you write these things down it’s going to be real hard to BS yourself the next time you’re doing it.
  2. Remind yourself of why
    Sometimes, all it takes, is to think through why doing X is important and for whom. At some point in your past you decided that X was something you wanted to get done. Maybe because if you didn’t, you’d get pain from someone being disappointed or maybe because you wanted to help someone you care about. When you remember the reasons as to why you want X done you get motivation to move forward again.
  3. Give yourself a time limit
    We usually get our act together and get things done when we’re closing in on a deadline. All of a sudden NOT doing activity X will hurt more than actually doing it. If you find yourself stuck it can help to set your own deadline.
  • I will do what I want for 3 hours and then I will do X
  • I will free time in my schedule to distance myself from the everyday grind and really look at why I’m resisting X
  • Set a timer for 15 minutes and promise yourself that during that time you will focus 100% on pushing this activity towards completion. When you’re done schedule the next 15 minute session and then celebrate so you connect joy to the process.

Most importantly

Don’t blame yourself when you find yourself procrastinating!
Instead of hurting yourself when you’re already in a vulnerable state, which is true when you put important stuff off instead of dealing with them, be kind! Don’t make it ok but don’t make yourself into some worthless looser either. When you realize that you’re in that space take it seriously and talk to yourself like you would a dear friend. Let yourself regroup and find your bearing.

BeBrave

“How can I become even better for you?” – Improvement by questions

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improvement

The headline on this post could be interpreted in many different ways. As with most things people say it’s up to the meaning you give it to decide how you will feel about it. Is it a question of opening up for someone else to walk all over you with their demands and expectations? Does the question spark the image of someone too subservient for their own good?
Or could it, in fact, be the most genius and generous question you could ask to better your relationships?

Constant Never-ending Improvement – CNI

In my very first blog post I mentioned one of the life strategies I live by; “I apply the theory of CNI to my life and my personal development. CNI, a term used in the IT business where I come from, is short for Constant Never-ending Improvement.”

I believe humans can develop and improve all through our lives, that the only thing stopping us is if we stop trying. And in improvement lies more fulfillment and happiness – if you choose to improve in the areas that gives you that off course J I use a number of different methods to decide on what to improve next. The method depends on the area.

In the corporate world of hiring there are a number of tests and standardized evaluations that are supposed to indicate “who you really are”. These tests are considered valid in predicting how well you will perform and thus how valuable you will be to a company. One of the tests is called “The 360”.

The 360 consist of a questionnaire about you that is given to a number of people working close to you. A boss, employees and other co-workers. The results are anonymous, managed by the testing company, to encourage open and honest answers. The ones who gets the questionnaire are the ones that see your actions and their results. Those that won’t be fooled by your ambitious words or conquering plans.

The people, who interact with you on a daily basis, could be the most valuable sources of feedback.

We might THINK that we know

To be able to make the split second decisions that’s been essential for our species survival our amazing brain has developed a huge number of biases. They’re shortcuts for deciding on what’s dangerous, who can be trusted, my own ability and many other decisions.

One of these biases is that we tend to think that others see the world the same way as we do. So we often treat our loved ones in the same way we would like to be treated. “I really love it when he prepares breakfast for me – it makes me feel loved and taken cared of – that must mean that he’ll feel loved and taken cared for if I make him breakfast!” or “When I was little I used to love it when my mother combed and braided my hair – I will do that for my girls as well”.

There are stories of loving partners going through most of their life together performing small “acts of service” for each other that turns out wasn’t ever really important to that person. One tells of a couple that every morning shared a piece of bread. The wife loved the top of the bread so she gave that to her husband whenever she was preparing their meal. And the husband who would have preferred the bottom always gave that half to his wife.

The Golden Rule, according to the Bible, reads “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you: do ye even so to them”. I believe maybe we could add to that – tell people what you would like them to do for you and ask others what they would like you to do for them.

Teach your family, friends and business partners that you really want to know

It’s not an altogether simple process to ask for and receive feedback, least of all from your close family and friends. You want to glean the most impact possible from these potential rare gems of truth. To be able to achieve this it’s good to think it through. Do you have a habit of taking things personal?

If you start explaining or making excuses as to why the feedback you’re getting won’t work or is wrong in any way you will soon stop getting it. If you start feeling uncomfortable when receiving feedback you’ll also contribute to stem the flow since you leak what you feel.

There are two areas that could be mined for gold together with these close people.

  1. Their worldview on your part in your shared relationship. (Remember: They cannot be wrong in these answers since all they’re doing is describing their beliefs and their experiences so far.)
  2. Their perceived experience of you and of how you could feel even better and reach even more of your goals.

Some questions for each area

Some possible questions for the first area are

  • What could I do to make you feel even more loved?
  • What do I do that makes you feel loved today?
  • How could I change for you to love me even more?

Some possible questions for the second area are

  • How am I holding myself back?
  • If I changed one thing to become even more fulfilled in life what would it be?

Remember to be thankful for all the feedback you receive, treat them as valuable gifts given in trust and with love. Also remember that you’re not obliged to change in any way that you feel isn’t right for you. What you chose to DO with the feedback you get is always up to you.

BeBrave

Being bored is sometimes the start of something new

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Bored

”I’m bored!” ”I have nothing fun to do!”

“Can I rent a movie or play on my IPhone?”

“Can I go buy an ice-cream?”

“What’s for breakfast, lunch, dinner?”

“You’re not bored – you’re boring!”

There are few things that trigger me as much as when my kids are whining about being bored. To be honest, they read my blog and will get mad if I’m not, they very seldom do nowadays. But I used to get super annoyed with them for complaining about not having anything fun to do or for bothering each other with stupid arguments because they had nothing better to do. They also used to nag me about getting something to eat when they were bored – it drove me nuts.

Someone once told me that if I was a person easily bored then I wasn’t really bored – I was being boring. It really hit me, hard. I didn’t want to be boring, I want to be a fun loving person that people like spending time with. Off course I didn’t want my kids to be boring either. Not for their own sakes and also because I’d feel like I’d failed them as a mother.

What used to bother me, wasn’t their expectation that I should somehow entertain them, it was the fact that they confronted me with my own feelings of being a bad mother.

I’m still triggered by my kids, even if it’s not by the exact same events, and I’ve been moving towards this summer vacation with mixed emotions. On the one hand I really love all the available time to spend with them. On the other, all that time leaves me no escape from being confronted by things that I still feel bad about. There’s nowhere to run, no work to hide in, no school and homework to use as an excuse to just keep doing. No way to avoid standing still to look at life just the way it is.

Most divorces are filed right after summer

Statistics show that September is the month when most divorces are filed. I bet part of the reason is that we set such high expectations on those precious few weeks/days that we chose to spend off from work. If we aren’t deliberately reasonable those days might be expected to solve all of the wants and needs we’ve been putting off during the entire year.

Redecorating the bedroom, losing ten pounds, starting a new online business, teaching the kids to speak a foreign language or two, buying new lingerie and seducing your husband, learning to cook healthy food, inspiring the family to ever higher ambitions and goals.

We seldom accuse our kids for our disappointments, we somehow instinctively know they aren’t to blame. The most appropriate direction to point that blame finger usually hurts the ego so bad that it’s unthinkable. So the only place left is on the other adult in the company.

After a few days of vacation, with parents lost under all that pressure, maybe our kids feel like divorcing us?

What if being bored is necessary

It’s crazy to, even for a second, consider avoiding my daughters, because, when I just stop and think about it I know that spending time with my kids is one of the most amazing and rewarding parts of my life. When we get enough time together, and I manage to be present, I’m always blown away as to how much wisdom they have. They are so full of life, wonder and love and they always make me laugh.

I know that when I lower my ambitions I become a much more loving person to be around. When I let go of guilt and blaming myself I feel lighter and I treat people around me ever so much better. I’ve been scared that letting go of the “shoulds” and “wants” for even a short while would make us lazy and in the end miserable. Afraid that feeling bored was the first sign of complete and utter decay. So boredom has had a really bad connotation.

But what if being bored isn’t equal to being boring people? What if being bored is the first necessary step towards a moment of connection over sharing something new? Maybe being bored is a sign that we finally have let go of all the musts and that we’ve freed some time to finally feel and breathe?

The last time my daughter said she was bored I asked her what she would like to do. She proposed a board game. We found one we’d never played before and spent an evening together laughing.

BeBrave

 

Provide a safe space to throw up in

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Safe space

How can you help your child get through difficult emotions? Can you provide a safe space and build trust enough that they will be able to tell you about their difficulties? Would you consider it an honor to hold her hair while she throws up?

When your loved ones are hurting

Not long ago I had a moment with one of my girls that had my heart clenched and my mind racing. She was open, vulnerable and talking to me.

All things I’ve wished for.

I’ve always felt I’d much rather know what’s going on inside of her than be blindsided by something further down the line.

So here we were but I was failing her.

She was letting all of her anxiety about growing up spill out. She was crying. And all I could do was force myself to NOT wrap my arms around her and promise I’d make everything ok.

In my mind all I could think was “how can I make her pain go away!?”. I managed to keep myself from forcing my physical clinginess on her but my mouth wasn’t doing a very good job. I kept trying to tell her how she’s gotten “it wrong”, “that life isn’t so hard – you just have to focus on the positives..”.. bla bla blaah…

She argued back and I kept trying to “enlighten”.

She kept saying “Mom, you don’t understand!”.

Don’t fight what is happening

It wasn’t until she turned quiet, tears softly rolling down her cheek that I got it. I had a moment to stop and just watch her. I saw the sadness and the frustration. I remembered times when I’ve felt the same and how lonely it feels when no one just listens. I remembered a quote that’s been at the core of my conscious parenting albeit not part of my instinctive routine;

Before she even cares about how much you know, she must know, truly in her heart, how much you love.

I stayed quiet and still, stopped trying to negate her hurt. Just watching her cry for a moment. Catching my breath and reminding myself that emotions aren’t dangerous. Relaxing into the moment and letting my need for things to be different dissolve.

I told her the truth. That I also feel overwhelmed sometimes. That I can find myself crying for no apparent reason or worrying about both small and seemingly huge life decisions.

I told her I’m sort of grateful that she’s spending some time pondering these big questions. That, maybe when she finds some clues she can share them with me.

She stopped fighting back against me the second I stopped trying to fix her.

Instead we talked. Back and forth. I listened to her thoughts and didn’t argue. I told her about some of my own worries and she listened. We didn’t resolve or come up with plans for actually solving anything. We didn’t have to, it wasn’t necessary.

We understand more about each other now. I feel closer to her than before.

Provide the bucket and gently hold her hair

I think it was Jairek Robbins, who first mentioned the concept of holding the basket for a woman while she cleans up. That sometimes women need to vent, to let go of some of the things that’s been building during the day.

Listen

Imagine a woman walking strongly through her daily life and imagine the world as a field of wildflowers and vines. During her dance, pins and needles get caught in her dress and her hair. When the night comes she’ll want to sit down and clean away the debris that’s attached itself to her. If you want to help her re-center herself the best support is often to just sit by her and hold the basket for her. Keep her company and hold the basket that she can throw the thorns, twigs and needles into.

Let her talk about her day and how different situations have made her feel. As she gets to speak about it she can release it into the basket and be free and cleansed.

You don’t need to help her pick out the thorns. All you need to do is to listen.

You don’t have to fix anything and you actually shouldn’t even try to help DO anything (unless specifically asked to). You sitting there, keeping her company, is all that is needed.

There is another, more vivid, metaphor on the same subject. Imagine the same basic situation – a woman has gone through her day and a lot of situations has occurred that have left her feeling a vast array of emotions. Imagine that she’s feeling ill because of all these emotions and that throwing up would make her feel calm and centered again. If you want to help her, then just provide the bucket and gently hold her hair while she pukes.

As a parent sometime all you can do is listen and hold the basket

I like these metaphors because of how vivid they are – I remember them.. usually.. eventually… Sometimes all you can do as a parent is to hold the basket for your child to throw up in.

If your child says “you don’t understand!” it’s a sure sign that it’s time to step back. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to shove that puke back down her throat?

It can be so difficult to just listen. You want to help, to give another perspective and to pass on all your own hard won life lessons. But what she needs is to find her own answers, fight her own battles, to learn to trust in her own ability to clean up her needles and pins.

If you are lucky you are invited to hold the basket – if you’re blessed and have earned her trust you just might get the chance to hold her hair while she pukes.

BeBrave

Gossip – a way to connect?

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Gossip

Does your family engage in gossip? What is gossip and what purpose does it serve?

Has someone ever, with a hushed voice, told you “You know what I just found out?!” followed by a description of a situation where someone you know has been through something embarrassing or terrible? What feelings were you left with? Did you feel happy you got in on a secret and like you were part of a selected few?

Maybe you were left with an uneasy feeling. A tough decision of how to act toward that person now that you knew something about them that they hadn’t told you themselves? If you think back to it, how did you feel about the person telling you the gossip?

Gossip – when it’s bad

What is gossip? I’m talking about the definition where person A is talking about person C with person B without person C knowing about it. The talk is usually about something that person C wouldn’t appreciate people talking about. Gossiping can be a form of bullying and adults do it as well as children. There’s a scale from a more wide spread culturally approved level where you talk about celebrities or other public figures to intentionally spreading evil rumors with the intention to hurt people.

Using gossip as a way to test our values and beliefs

Is talking about other people, without them knowing, always bad?

I’ve spent my fair share of hours, growing up, talking to my friends and family about other people. I think it’s been a way to find myself and who I am in relations to other people.

A way to explore the beliefs of the person I’m talking to; What are your values, what do you think is appropriate and what behavior can’t you stand? If I told you a story about what someone else had done what would your reaction be? Would you show dislike or repulsion? Would you be tolerant and try to look at the situation from a more forgiving or positive angle?

If I told you about something possibly bad someone did would you display compassion or contempt? Your reaction would tell me your values and how to act and not act in relation to you. It’d teach me what behaviors you would accept and what, if anything, could make you reject me. If I respected your opinion I might have taken your reaction to heart and even adopt the same value system.

Is describing a situation you were part of gossip?

Sometimes things happen, where you were involved, and later on you want to talk to someone about it. You might turn to a trusted friend or family member to get their opinion on who was right or wrong or how you should manage the situation going forward. Is that gossiping?

I’d argue that it depends on how you describe the situation and what your focus is. When the person, who was part of the situation, isn’t there to tell her/his side of the story you can only be sure of one thing – you don’t have all the facts. The story you tell is your story about what has happened.

I grew up in a family that seldom let me get away with blaming other people for my problems. If I was somehow involved in a situation the focus was usually shifted to my actions and my decisions and on what I wanted to do next.

I’d come home and describe how a teacher did this or that terrible thing and my mom or dad would listen and then invariably ask me about my part of the story.

The question is why you tell the story in the first place. Are you in need of reassurance? That the teacher was an ass and you were entitled to be angry or feeling like you’d been victimized or to retaliate the way you did? Are you looking for your parents’ reactions to the teacher and/or you – trying to learn what is okay and not in this world? Or are you trying to get help with managing a situation that has gotten out of hand?

How you talk about others is how you’ll talk about me

Think back to a situation when someone told you something you knew they weren’t supposed to tell you. How do you feel towards that person? Would you trust that person with your secrets? We often don’t realize that how we communicate about others is how people will learn to expect us to communicate about them. If we talk badly about someone the people that we’re talking to will subconsciously expect us to talk about them in the same manner when they’re not around.

When we talk about someone else in a demeaning or frustrating manner we teach the people listening that they could also be the source of our contempt or anger. Our children listen to what we say and they don’t separate themselves from other people.

When kids gossip you get an opportunity to prove your love and connection

Imagine when your child brings home gossip or tell you a story of how they’ve been victimized. Now you’ve an important opportunity to prove you values and your connection to that child. Your reaction to “that other person” will tell your child how you would react to HER/HIM and also how you would talk about her/his mistake to others.

My daughters are old enough to understand some aspects of world politics. When Mr. Trump was elected president many people around us, myself included, was bewildered and somewhat chocked. The rhetoric was filled with animosity and ill will in a way that made it hard to resist talking badly about him. Yet however crazy we think that man is acting we need to talk about him in a respectful manner. Not for his sake, for our own.

When I participate in gossip about how stupid, evil or clumsy someone is I’m teaching my children that I believe that people can BE that way. I enforce the fear in my kids that they could actually do something to risk become the target for my disdain.

Put your story through a simple test

What are your current values regarding gossip and talking about other people? Could your family use an even deeper connection and trust with each other? What would happen if you agreed on the following value?

“Only say things about someone that you would say if that person was present in the room.”

This simple test will make you tell your stories in a respectful manner, it will make you consider what words you choose and force you to look at a situation from both sides right from the start.

When your children starts to tell you a story about someone who isn’t in the room ask that they take a moment and think the situation through. Then ask them to tell you about the situation as if that person was there listening. Afterwards ask if the child thinks that that other person would agree on the version that was given.

This might help you figure out why your child is telling you the story in the first place and how you best can support her and demonstrate your love and trust.

And hey.. while you’re at it. Put your own stories, about things that have happened, through the same test; would you describe the situation in the same manner if you were describing it to the one it involves?

BeBrave

Win the family morning to win your day – Morning routines

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Morning routines

There is a lot of advice online about creating successful morning routines. The theory is that if you have a good morning you get momentum that will carry through the entire day. Generally the advice include time for meditation, journaling on gratitude, goalsetting and physical workouts. The term “win the morning to win your day” is everywhere. What does winning a morning look like with kids?

Zoom into a busy family morning: Dad is cleaning the kitchen after breakfast as well as loudly reminding the kids to pack their gym bags for school. Mom’s rummaging around looking for the charger to the computer, hollering that “the car will be leaving in 5 minutes so everyone better get dressed”. Kids getting caught up in brushing teeth and hair as well as all having to go to the bathroom at the same exact moment. Was it today the kids needed an extra change of clothes to school? Who is going to go to the dentist appointment with the youngest? Where is the homework that needs to be handed in today? “Why aren’t any of the trousers I can actually wear clean?”

I used to spend my mornings in some version of that chaos. I felt I was always a step behind, stressed and overwhelmed and wondered if this was it?

We were far from the connection and feeling of cooperation I’d envisioned for my family. I’d get into constant battles with my girls and we’d leave for work and school in a bad mood towards each other. I’d spend the whole commute to work feeling guilty and regretting all the nagging. Worrying that they’d be feeling sad or unloved. “Will they be able to focus on school today?” “Why can’t they just get going in the mornings?”

There must be a better way

I sat there, once again exhausted and frustrated, on the subway and I noticed a mother with her two kids sitting across from me. One child on her lap nibbling a sandwich. The other sitting next to her, watching the people around them, asking her mom about this and that. They were talking and laughing, being present and enjoying each other’s company.

I thought; “Awe, I wish we could start our mornings with that feeling!” and then I got really curious. What had they been doing before now to get into the calm and happy mood they were in? What would have to be different in our morning routine to get into that state? How much better wouldn’t our lives be if we could make it work? Would my daughters be willing to make the changes needed?

Make it a family decision

I was pretty sure my girls would be as excited about not hearing me nag them as I was about not having to do it. But what changes would make it possible? I decided to ask them.

I tried to paint a picture that would inspire them. “Imagine having a morning without nagging or stress, a morning where we have time to laugh and can sit and eat our breakfast together. I would so love to have time to give you a huge hug when I leave you off at school. Wouldn’t it be nice to leave for school in the morning without feeling angry? What if we could walk to school without worrying about being late? Maybe even stop by the park and see how far you could balance on the rail every morning?”

They were on!

We talked about what we needed to do to make it work.

I had prepared some questions;

  1. What would make you wake up in a good mood?
  2. How could you make sure you get ready in the morning, dressed, with brushed teeth and your bag packed, without me reminding you even once?
  3. What do you think could happen that would make either of us upset in the morning and how ca we make sure that doesn’t happen?

Listen to everyone’s perspective

Children have an enormous imagination and the solutions are sometimes completely unexpected. My youngest wanted me to jump into her bed and start tickling her in the mornings which actually worked amazingly well 🙂

My eldest wanted us to buy her an alarm clock so she could decide when she would get up.

I was surprised by how well they both could predict which situations would risk tripping us and by how responsible they were in proposing solutions to them. “Mom, I know you get angry when I take too long choosing my clothes. Maybe I can choose them the night before so I already know what to wear in the morning”?” or “I’m sometimes sleepy in the morning and don’t want to talk to anyone. Can you not talk to me if I say that I’m tired?” or “I sometimes forget the time because I start doing something fun – could you help remind me but with a happy voice mom? Could you just say “Emelie, teeth””

I had to set some rules or parameters for situations that, as children, they didn’t have experience of yet. Like a what time we needed to be out the door to make it to school in time or recommending they pack the school bag the night before to make sure nothing was missing that we’d have to search for.

I’ve heard of families who implemented the use of a timer to get reminders without the parent having to say anything. They asked the children how long they thought they needed to get dressed and set the alarm. If it went off before they were ready then they’d change the time the next morning. With time they learnt approximately much time was needed for different actions.

Setting a morning routine

We’ve worked out a routine that gives us a chance to connect and to start our day without stress. Today I still make them breakfast and we eat together most mornings. I walk them to school and we get a chance to talk and hug good bye without stress. As our schedules change and they take on even more responsibility for their own morning routines, to win their days, our routine will also evolve.

If you want to implement a family morning routine maybe these steps can be helpful:

  • Start by defining the dream scenario from your adult perspective. And be honest about how you walk your own talk. For instance; at what time do you have to go to bed to be able to wake up happy?
  • Define the prerequisites from a logistical view. At what time do you have to leave the house to make it to school, how long does brushing teeth or other basic actions, that you believe are non-negotiable, take?
  • Let the children participate in forming a vision and a plan for your mornings. Let them define risks and how to handle them.
  • Implement and evolve as you go along. Help each other remember to not fall into old patterns and be consistent and refer back to what you’ve agreed on.

Notice the difference and celebrate your new routines when you see them working. Brag to each other about the changes you’ve made in your family. Reminisce about how it used to be and congratulate yourselves on how far you’ve come together.

BeBrave

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