I want to freeze time – Teenagers wasn’t in the plan
I‘m a sucker for making plans. I think it’ the predictability of a day’s schedule and the efficiency, that planning brings, that makes me love it so much. It’s not that I’m a slave to the plan, in fact it’s when I feel I have a good plan that I can be spontaneous and enjoy some lazy hours without guilt. I actually plan for free time and the possibility for spontaneous impulses.
There aren’t many areas in life that I don’t try to make plans for. Almost everything gets timelines, gap-analysis and goals. Most of the time this is a way of life that works wonderfully for me. I enjoy the feeling of progress and making plans gives me the opportunity to track the things I do and learn.
When my daughter’s dad and I decided to separate many years ago we planned, in detail, how we were going to communicate about it. We planned how we’d tell the girls and we talked through the message and feelings we wanted to convey to our friends and family.
All that planning proved invaluable when the time came to actually navigate those hard days. We had a plan, which we’d talked and thought through, that we could stick to. It left us stronger when the situation was really tough.
Irritatingly enough life has a habit of throwing situations my way that I haven’t had the time to think through or plan for. Sometimes even in the most obvious ways, that isn’t really a surprise, but that I still don’t feel prepared for.
Life happens – children turn teenagers even if you’re not prepared
Like when my daughter turns “teenage”– I mean, it’s not a surprise … I know her age, but I just haven’t gotten around to plan properly! The most obvious reason, for my reluctance to look at this situation, is the fact that I’ve never had a teenager before. I was just getting the hang of being a mom. A teenager? What happens now?
I had this big preliminary plan for making this event into something ritualistic and memorable. Making a big deal about her stepping into young womanhood so to speak.
I feel that we as a society have lost grip on those important teenage years when so much happens. This is a time when you grow up, you solidify ideas about who you are and what you’re capable of that might impact you for the rest of your life. In the west we’ve just capitulated these years into a malfunctioning school system. I feel like I’m supposed to hand over my kids onto an assembly line and hope they come out in a fairly good shape in the other end.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could bring back a natural place and respect for our young adults as the important next generation they represent? Give them meaning and a sense of belonging? Since we seem to have lost that natural place for them in our society my idea was to, at least, make that transition a celebration in our home.
But it’s happening and I’m not nearly as prepared as I wanted to be. I don’t have an emotional speech or a memorable family tradition to kick off. I don’t have a special gift to “hand down” or a plan for how rules and expectations should now change to demarcate the road of childhood into young adulthood.
Enjoying the moment
I won’t give up my planning in life and neither will I let the transition into young adulthood quietly pass by unnoticed in our family. But I learn yet again, on another level, that my life is happening right now. I become aware of how precious the time I have with our kids and with each other is.
In the end my daughter turning thirteen is not about me or a plan or a remarkable family tradition. In the end it’s another day in our remarkable life. A day to cherish and enjoy. A day to connect, to listen, to try to understand each other, to have fun and laugh together.
Freezing time so that I can catch up with my perfect planning is just not going to happen. Life kindly keeps reminding me to focus here and now. And there is so much to love right here and now.
The cup of tea she made for me just because she knows I enjoy it in the evenings. The way they sneak their hand into mine when we walk somewhere together. When they call for me because they want to share something important with me. The bubbling laughter and curious questions about big and small things.
What small things are you paying attention to?
How do you ensure that you enjoy every day life with your family?
And hey, please do share if you’ve got any great ideas of a valuable transition ritual into teenage life 😉
