Throw up

How can you help your child get through difficult emotions? Can you provide a safe space and build trust enough that they will be able to tell you about their difficulties? Would you consider it an honor to hold her hair while she throws up?

When your loved ones are hurting

Not long ago I had a moment with one of my girls that had my heart clenched and my mind racing. She was open, vulnerable and talking to me.

All things I’ve wished for.

I’ve always felt I’d much rather know what’s going on inside of her than be blindsided by something further down the line.

So here we were but I was failing her.

She was letting all of her anxiety about growing up spill out. She was crying. And all I could do was force myself to NOT wrap my arms around her and promise I’d make everything ok.

In my mind all I could think was “how can I make her pain go away!?”. I managed to keep myself from forcing my physical clinginess on her but my mouth wasn’t doing a very good job. I kept trying to tell her how she’s gotten “it wrong”, “that life isn’t so hard – you just have to focus on the positives..”.. bla bla blaah…

She argued back and I kept trying to “enlighten”.

She kept saying “Mom, you don’t understand!”.

Don’t fight what is happening

It wasn’t until she turned quiet, tears softly rolling down her cheek that I got it. I had a moment to stop and just watch her. I saw the sadness and the frustration. I remembered times when I’ve felt the same and how lonely it feels when no one just listens. I remembered a quote that’s been at the core of my conscious parenting albeit not part of my instinctive routine;

Before she even cares about how much you know, she must know, truly in her heart, how much you love.

I stayed quiet and still, stopped trying to negate her hurt. Just watching her cry for a moment. Catching my breath and reminding myself that emotions aren’t dangerous. Relaxing into the moment and letting my need for things to be different dissolve.

I told her the truth. That I also feel overwhelmed sometimes. That I can find myself crying for no apparent reason or worrying about both small and seemingly huge life decisions.

I told her I’m sort of grateful that she’s spending some time pondering these big questions. That, maybe when she finds some clues she can share them with me.

She stopped fighting back against me the second I stopped trying to fix her.

Instead we talked. Back and forth. I listened to her thoughts and didn’t argue. I told her about some of my own worries and she listened. We didn’t resolve or come up with plans for actually solving anything. We didn’t have to, it wasn’t necessary.

We understand more about each other now. I feel closer to her than before.

Provide the bucket and gently hold her hair

I think it was Jairek Robbins, who first mentioned the concept of holding the basket for a woman while she cleans up. That sometimes women need to vent, to let go of some of the things that’s been building during the day.

Imagine a woman walking strongly through her daily life and imagine the world as a field of wildflowers and vines. During her dance, pins and needles get caught in her dress and her hair. When the night comes she’ll want to sit down and clean away the debris that’s attached itself to her. If you want to help her re-center herself the best support is often to just sit by her and hold the basket for her. Keep her company and hold the basket that she can throw the thorns, twigs and needles into.

Let her talk about her day and how different situations have made her feel. As she gets to speak about it she can release it into the basket and be free and cleansed.

You don’t need to help her pick out the thorns. All you need to do is to listen.

You don’t have to fix anything and you actually shouldn’t even try to help DO anything (unless specifically asked to). You sitting there, keeping her company, is all that is needed.

There is another, more vivid, metaphor on the same subject. Imagine the same basic situation – a woman has gone through her day and a lot of situations has occurred that have left her feeling a vast array of emotions. Imagine that she’s feeling ill because of all these emotions and that throwing up would make her feel calm and centered again. If you want to help her, then just provide the bucket and gently hold her hair while she pukes.

As a parent sometime all you can do is listen and hold the basket

I like these metaphors because of how vivid they are – I remember them.. usually.. eventually… Sometimes all you can do as a parent is to hold the basket for your child to throw up in.

If your child says “you don’t understand!” it’s a sure sign that it’s time to step back. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to shove that puke back down her throat?

It can be so difficult to just listen. You want to help, to give another perspective and to pass on all your own hard won life lessons. But what she needs is to find her own answers, fight her own battles, to learn to trust in her own ability to clean up her needles and pins.

If you are lucky you are invited to hold the basket – if you’re blessed and have earned her trust you just might get the chance to hold her hair while she pukes.