Skillset Parents

Tell the truth and keep your promises

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Truth

My theory about raising children include the importance of giving them tools that will help them lead fulfilling and independent lives. I also believe that the more empowering programming you can implement in your children early on the less time they will need to spend on re-scripting later in life. Although it usually is way more impactful to live my theories, than it is to try to raise my daughters into a behavior by talking about it, sometimes I believe it can be valuable to start implementing strategies and theories even if you don’t feel that you’re mastering it yourself just yet.

Your inner voice

For children and adults alike it is valuable to become aware of the beliefs  and often subconscious meaning that we color our lives with and that effect our actions. One way to help someone bring the internal dialogue into the light is to put a name on the “person” that does the talking inside your head. I’ve touched on this theory in terms of becoming friends with your fear.

Everyone has an inner voice that whispers the truths of the heart. To be able to hear this voice and then to grow the courage to follow it is paramount to live a life with integrity. For myself I’ve been practicing for years to hear that voice and to be brave enough to listen and to act accordingly. I’ve come to believe that this practice will be an integral part of my life that will never be “done” but more like a way of living. Even if I can’t say that I follow my truest desires or even always know what they are, yet, I still feel that it’s an idea worth introducing to my girls.

I’ve discovered two areas that are powerful in terms of discovering that you have an inner voice. The theories of these areas are simple so you can start with these even if you as a parent is not walking your talk just yet.

Telling the truth

The first area is telling the truth. You can measure the level of how you live your truth by how you feel about yourself when you’re alone. If you feel like you have nothing to hide, that the people closest to you know everything about you and still loves you, you can sleep without worry. Look for the non-egotistical version of pride and imagine how amazing it feels when you know you’re living according to your truest values.

Give the gift of living a life in truth to your children by staging situations where they will experience how good it can feel to tell the truth. Help them identify with someone who tells the truth and minimize the risk of them keeping things bottled up.

If you start when they’re small you can practice with relatively easy things and build trust and an open channel of communication. In the future you want your teenagers to tell you when things happen, you want to have a connection that ensures that they come to you with questions or situations they need to reason through with a trusted adult. If you have a shared history where it is safe to tell the truth to each other then it is far more likely that your child will continue to let you in as he/she grows older.

Keeping your promises

The other area is keeping your promises. Akin to telling the truth, the idea of keeping your promises is something that will greatly impact how you feel about yourself. There are two different kinds of promises you make, the ones you make to yourself and the ones you give to others.

The essential thing is that when you talk to others, or think something to yourself, your subconscious is listening. If you say something and then don’t act accordingly your subconscious will get confused; “We said something but we didn’t take action on it. We better protect ourselves from feeling stupid/confused or like we failed. Let’s make that thing we talked about into something “not important”. We would never NOT do something that’s important so let’s make sure we don’t waste time on that unimportant thing! Ever!” Your subconscious will definitely not assist you towards positive action, it might actually work against your higher goals.

These internal conflicts might not even be known to your conscious self. But having them will give you a physical reaction that will keep getting more intense for as long as you don’t adjust your course. If you have stomach-issues, difficulty to sleep, have tension in your body you might want to look inwards and see if your inner voice is telling you to do something that you’re not following through on or if you’re actually voicing something out loud to people that you’re not acting on.

Help your children to create an identity for themselves of someone who says what they mean and do what they say. By doing this you will have given them a behavior pattern that will help them lead a life based on their inner truths and to become someone that others know they can trust.

If you’re going on this journey as an adult

Treat yourself with extraordinary care during this process. If you’re not used to stopping and listening inwards it might be somewhat surprising and scary. Be gentle, be loving and be patient. That internal voice is yours and it will never say anything to hurt you. In fact, that voice, just like the voice of fear, is trying to get your attention so that you can live a fulfilling life.

Maybe you need to step back and look at the promises you give. Maybe it’s time to lower your ambition. I know that sounds insane! But it is MUCH more detrimental to your wellbeing and your progress to give high promises that you don’t follow through on.

While working on yourself you can still introduce these thoughts to your children.

Practicing with my daughters

I’ve been focusing on truth and honesty with my girls from an early age. There are so many opportunities to practice these skills during a day. Focus on the small truths and on the miniscule promises that are being stated and kept and shine your spotlight upon them so they become clear.

My youngest was once asked during dinner to put her plate into the dishwasher after she was done which she agreed to do. She was about 4 years old at the time. When she was done, about 2 minutes later (small kids have short concentration spans so help them by asking very close to the actual event), she put her plate in and I hugged her and told her how much I like that she’s the kind of girl that keeps her promises.

Another time one of my daughters told me about a situation where she lost her temper at a boy in her school. He accidentally broke her key chain and she snapped really harshly at him. She told me how she actually heard that inner voice tell her that she’d been too hard on him. He didn’t know how important that key chain was to her and she knew it wasn’t his intention to brake it. Her voice had made her go to him and apologize “almost against her will”. When she told me this story I hugged her fiercely and told her how proud I am of her, that she listened to her voice even when it didn’t feel so good in the moment.

Would it make a difference in your family?

What positive results do you think could happen in your family if your children were encouraged to listen to their inner voice and to make and keep promises? Would it be helpful to get some more inspiration and ideas on how to think and act as a parent to start to implement?

Actionable

  1. There are many situations during a normal family day that will come with the opportunity to practice. Head over to the Lifehacks page at MotherOfLions to get some ideas on how to implement and begin this journey.
  2. Practice often and please remember that it is SO VERY important to always give your children praise for telling the truth when they do. Start when they are small and the consequences are relatively small. Trust that you have instilled values in them so that they already know what the right thing is. When they come to confess is NOT the time to lecture!
    There will be times when you need to bite your tongue to keep from getting upset. There will never be a better time to prove the love and trust that you feel for your child. This is the time where you focus on expressing how grateful and proud you are that they told the truth. The harder the situation the greater the reward for keeping that focus on your connection.

BeBrave

To responsibly let yourself fall – vulnerability

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Vulnerability

How can we continue to grow as parents? When growing means fear and not just not having everything under control but actually not having any answers whatsoever. How can we combine the role of teacher with the role of a human as a continuing work in progress? How can we manage our own personal development alongside that of our children’s?

There was a moment in my personal development journey where I realized that I am responsible for my emotions. Realized is not really the word. It HIT me! With force enough to like an earthquake forever change my mental landscape. The realization was huge and at first it felt incredibly liberating. All of a sudden I was in control. No one could make me feel anything I didn’t want to. I practiced and got better and better at choosing my actions, to exist in the space between what was happening in my world and my reaction to it. It felt empowering.

If you could decide how to feel – what would you choose?

I wanted to share this epiphany. I thought everyone would love it as much as I did. How could anyone not want to be immune to whatever life throws at you? To be strong enough to stay centered no matter what? It turned out this concept comes with an inevitable accompaniment; a huge dose of personal responsibility.

If you want to believe in the power to completely choose your reactions you have to accept responsibility for every thought and every interpretation that you actually make.

Not everyone wanted this responsibility. It seemed much easier to blame someone or something else for your negative emotions. It was much easier to stick to an old mindset than to look at the risk of having been wrong up to this point.

I had found a truth and I was thrilled about it

For myself I accepted this responsibility with fervor. I felt the truth and the actual benefits from this concept and I worked hard to question habits and beliefs that were not serving me. I left no subject within me unchallenged. I was proud of my growth and of my ability to question old thought patterns. Staying open to change was something I knew I needed to do and so I practiced my growth mindset by being relentless in the pursuit of negative emotions.

I used, and still use, strong negative feelings as clues to finding thought patterns that are disempowering and that needs to be challenged. Weeds that needs to be removed. One of the most effective signs you can investigate, to untangle your energy flow, is to follow the feelings of anger or even better of shame.

I sometimes wondered if it was my fixed mindset that kept me working so hard on challenging myself. Had I found a new concept that was more correct in the eyes of the world and therefore something I needed to ace? No, I decided that I had this one under control. I was pursuing this for the right reasons.

My fixed mindset got me again

It turns out my fear and my fixed mindset got me in another way. With the idea that I can choose how I respond to whatever life throws at me comes the inevitable question of actually succeeding at doing just that. I was getting better and better at managing my reactions and my focus. I practiced at work, with my girls (plenty of opportunities) and with friends and relatives.

When a colleague commented about my work I focused on the feedback and tried to be thankful for the nuggets of gold that could help me up my delivery. When my daughter dropped a glass container with pasta on the floor I managed to see it as an opportunity to teach her how the vacuum cleaner works.. When the shoelace to one of my sneakers broke as I was rushing to leave I just put “new shoelaces” on the shopping list, choose another pair of shoes and ran.

I was becoming decidedly good at staying centered even when life turned a little stormy.

You know how they say that complacency is the threat to all progress?

The second I let myself think that I was getting pretty deft at controlling my emotions was when I got into trouble. My fixed mindset roared awake, stormed in and demanded: “Getting good?? What?? Are you insane? Are you bragging? Do you know the risk of bragging? What if you FAIL? You can’t go around saying things and then failing! Now you better shape up and deliver – every time! Don’t you dare make us look stupid!”

Failing at managing my feelings about failing

So the pressure was on. You’d think this would be something negative in my life but it really wasn’t, for the most part. I pushed myself to succeed and that pushing kept me in learning mode. I dug deep and cleared a lot of emotional weeds from my garden.

But there was this one pattern that kept messing me up. The situations where I wasn’t staying true to my goals and the promises I made to myself. Apart from just not committing and staying true to my word I fell the hardest when I couldn’t manage my feelings about that. Let me clarify;

I was getting upset with myself for getting upset about not following through on things that I’d declared to be important.

Instead of focusing my energy on recommitting to my goals and getting back on the wagon I sat by the roadside and cried about having fallen of in the first place. Then I continued by kicking myself for sitting there crying and THEN continued crying about kicking myself when I was down..

Yeah. Effective. Right.

Risk of oversharing?

Hiding or ignoring or kicking myself over my negative emotions was not working for me. I kept pushing the feelings down which started to hurt me physically. I needed changes. I realized that I needed to get back on track with the commitments I make to myself – step up and be the person that says what she means and does what she says. I knew that I also needed to challenge the disempowering beliefs I had about experiencing negative emotions in the first place.

The thing that kept me from moving forward in this area was a belief about the alternative. I was convinced that the only alternative to “hiding my failure” was to let everything out. I don’t know if this is your experience also but whenever I have to let go of an old belief it feels sort of like I’m freefalling and I’m terrified of what will happen when I hit the ground.

Pendulum

I’ve come to understand that I’m not usually just freefalling though. There is something holding me, something that saves me from hurting myself too much. What normally happens is that I swing back and forth between extremes before eventually coming to land in my center.

 

I thought that the opposite of keeping things in was letting everything out.

The concept of spilling all my doubts, all my fears and let my feelings run wild was not a very comfortable one. Especially in front of my children. I just couldn’t see how it would be fair and right to put that on them. I still don’t. And I haven’t.

Finding my middle without swinging too far

It probably takes me longer to find my middle, my truth, because I refuse to share my challenges/fears with my daughters right from when I realize they exist. However my instinct tells me that my role as their safe haven, their captain, means that some things should not be shared with them. They are not old enough to be let in on my worst doubts and fears. They are children and although they need to learn about managing their own emotions and about accepting the learning process of trying-failing-trying again they still need to do so in a safe environment.

However the strategy of denying having true fears and doubts is not something I want to teach them. I want to show them what it looks like to ask for help. To not succeed but try again. To fall and get back up.

How can I ask them for help in a real and honest way? The kind of ask where they will feel the authentic need and value. How can I show them areas where I fall without the risk of activating their fear about not having a captain in control of the ship?

Vulnerability

My hunt for answers leads me towards vulnerability, acceptance and self-love.

Vulnerability is about loving someone for being where and who they are. Including myself. We’re all a work in progess. When I accept being in the process of learning, I can love myself even when I’m not yet where I want to be. I can feel compassion for myself when sadness, anger, fear or loneliness overwhelms me.

When I let myself feel these emotions, let them wash through me instead of fighting them and having them crash into me leaving me bruised and exhausted, I maintain my center, my core. When I let myself feel the sadness and don’t fight it I can stay in the moment and see it for what it is.

I’ve come across many sources of inspiration for this ever continuing journey towards self-love. There are people out there that can describe the process of vulnerability so exquisitely. I really recommend looking into their worlds. Let yourself be effected and changed.

Elizabeth Gilbert – Book: Big Magic
Brené Brown – Books: Daring greatly and Braving the Wilderness
Glennon Doyle – http://momastery.com

The power of sharing responsibly and living in vulnerability

I’m still learning to swing comfortably, making distinctions that provoke that pendulum to move again and again. I still have a hard time leaning into my fear and sharing things with my daughters and others that I haven’t figured out just yet. I’m learning.

There are a number of areas where life still kicks my butt now and again. Some issues I can manage with the help of adult companions. Some I understand that I need to do the work on myself. But there are some that I can count on my shipmates, my girls, to help me manage. When I responsibly ask them for help they always rise to the occasion with fierce love and loyalty. It really amazes me and warms my heart every time.

What would be something your children could do that would be a Real help?

  • Could they keep you company on your evening jog or walk? Maybe on their bikes?
  • Could they keep a vigilant eye on your grocery bag and your cupboards so no sugary things gets into the house?
  • Could they wrestle you down on the couch for a short massage when you come home so you get some love before continuing on with the evening?
  • Could they plan and prepare dinner one night of the week?
  • Could the big one take responsibility and babysit the other/-s once in a while?

What if there are things that your family could do for you that would be a win-win-win? Something that would genuinely help you, be beneficial to them in terms of learning how to ask for and to give help AND something that will strengthen your connection and feeling of belonging in your family?

BeBrave

Life happens – Planting flowers in your mental garden

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Planting flowers

Your mind could be likened to a garden. You can spend your time removing weeds or you can spend it planting beautiful flowers. If the weeds are a metaphor for beliefs, values and feelings that are not empowering you, and you have a lot of them, then you should spend some time on understanding them and clearing them out. But for the most part your focus is better aimed towards cultivating beautiful flowers.

I will argue that a life well lived is a life where you spend most of your time in beautiful states of mind. Finding or placing yourself in a state of for example love, gratitude, contribution, pride or belonging will trigger a physical response in your body that feels amazing. This goes back to raising the baseline of your happiness level.

What flowers do you want to plant?

The flowers in your garden can be of many sorts. If you’re a beginner at planting then pick the ones that are easiest to nurture; gratitude, curiosity and contribution are three that are easy to find and that will bring immediate energy and ambiance to your life.

Work yourself towards investing in flowers that require focused and deliberate practice such as love, compassion and faith. With time and some effort on caring for the possibly toughest plants to sprout; self-love, discipline and grit you will finally earn a garden that will fill your heart with feelings of pride and accomplishment.

The more space you claim for powerful flowers the less room there is for weeds to grow in the first place.

Playing mind games

The garden of the mind is clearly a metaphor. Have you noticed how much easier it is to understand and remember a new concept if the teacher finds good metaphors for likening the concept to things that you already understand? The more time you spend thinking of a concept, i.e. practicing that concept, the better and more efficient you will become in thinking it. Telling a story, which in the very construct is something the brain also loves, and using a metaphor will activate that practice skill in the brain and let you fertilize the soil so your flowers can grow strong and healthy root systems 😉

Life happens

I believe that life happens. To me that means that you can’t control everything that actually physically happens. The weather, death, accidents and sicknesses are part of life. Layoffs, politics and the impact in your life that comes from other people’s fears are also facts that mostly aren’t efficient to spend too much time trying to mitigate. Life happens and the best thing we can do is manage how we deal with it when it does.

When we spend time practicing the good feelings we build ourselves up. We build a level of resistance that inoculate us from falling into darkness when and if life throws a curve ball our way. When we practice gratitude and love, discipline that leads to a sense of pride, self-love and compassion we are more likely to come back to those feelings even if we falter for a short while.

Enroll your brain to camp

So how can you ensure you have a mind full of beautiful strong and resilient flowers? You start practicing. Practicing and repeating again and again so your brain and your subconscious gets the message loud and clear. You bring your focus back to the feelings and thoughts you want to promote and live in every time you feel you’re drifting.

This conscious practice is why coaches instruct their clients to create empowering mantras and vision boards. You want to practice as often as possible. Daily at least.

Your brain stores information according to your senses; visual, audio, feelings (physical and emotional), smell and taste. The more senses you can get involved in the feelings you’re working into your life the more deeply they will stick.

Create triggers in your daily routine

Many successful people have routines built into their days that include getting up early in the morning and focusing on themselves and their goals in life. I apply this theory partly in my morning routine. I begin most of my mornings on my stationary bicycle waking my system up. While I’m there I focus on two things; everything and everyone I’m grateful for and my goals and dreams for the future. Nowadays I don’t have to be guided through the mental exercises, now I know exactly where to go mentally.

Another thing we do in our family is that we use our wall space for visual triggers for positive emotions. In my bedroom I have a large photo of a warm sun and the text “Step up!” as a reminder of the incantation “I am the Voice” – shout out to my Date with Destiny peeps!

In our living room I’ve drawn Thank you in 40 centimetre letters and laid out pens so that, we in the family, as well as our guests can write things that we are grateful for on the wall.

When my daughter turned 9 I wrote a message by her bed to remind her of everything she is. Translated it says; “I have everything I need within me. Love, courage, laughter, the ability to ask for help, compassion, imagination, gratitude, faith, curiosity, determination, power”

Emelie wall

There have been many evenings when I’ve been lying next to her before she falls asleep when we’ve told each other about situations from the day that relates to each word.

Another strong and valuable trick is to keep filling your head with positive and motivating sounds. Keep searching for inspiring talks on www.ted.com or on Youtube; I can recommend Your world within  or Mateuszm . Keep pouring good things in – they will activate that pattern recognition and help rebuild your brain.

Enjoy your garden

Like any gardener you should reap the rewards from your hard work. Remember to stop and smell those metaphorical roses now and then!

Stop and really let the feelings in. Snuggle your nose into your child’s neck, kiss her forehead. Sit next to her and if she’ll still let you then pull her close and wrap your arm around her whenever possible. Enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, the starlit sky, the amazing play of sunlight on the autumn leaves. If you look for it you will see lovers holding hands, parents lovingly and with inhuman patience help their kids with small and big things, dog owners caring for their four legged babies and people being helpful to other people.

Give yourself a whole lot of praise and love when you show up, do the work and follow through on the things you’ve committed to. Be good to yourself and find reasons to celebrate often. Lean into life. Share your happiness with the world. Be a force for good!

BeBrave

Going to the dentist – Change a negative memory

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Dentist memory

Apart from working as a traffic warden, writing tickets for wrongly parked cars, can there be an occupation less appreciated than working as a dentist? My annual check-up is something I dread and although I feel an enormous dose of happiness the times I’m given the green light for another year I still really don’t like going there. Part of it is my dislike of needles and part of it is well.. it hurts!

I really try to check myself and how I live my life and what I transfer to my girls. They do as I do and not as I say so I know how important it is for me to live congruently. But when it comes to dental care it’s just not something I’ve managed very well myself yet. I have a hard time controlling my discomfort in this context. I didn’t want to convey that feeling to Linnea and Emelie and I’ve always been very aware about how and what I communicate about this.

Supporting my youngest when she needed me

When one of my girls got the verdict that there was a cavity that needed fixing she asked her mommy to go with her. Before the actual day we had talked about it. Her sister had informed her about the procedure and explained that “first there will be a paste that tastes bad and then there will be a needle”. My daughter was completely convinced that the bad tasting paste would be the worst thing coming up.

I knew she needed my emotional support and I had promised myself to be calm for her.

When it was our turn the dentist was in a hurry and not really paying attention to the fact that the patient was a little girl who was scared. Emelie was told to sit in the chair and without warning they adjusted it which startled her. Just as expected the paste, that anaesthetize the gums, really didn’t taste well and this upset my darling girl. During the wait for the anesthesia to kick in the nurse and dentist did a quick dental check, they talked their dentist talk and pushed and prodded her teeth.

When the time came for the needle she was really scared and lay there completely stiff. The dentist finally noticed and slowed down a bit. This is where the biggest mistake was made. The dentist made the assumption that Emelie was scared of the needle and settled for giving half the dose.

An unfamiliar situation turning bad

I believe the hurry partly came from not wanting to drag out the experience for Emelie but mostly I felt they were stressed. I was getting increasingly distressed about the lack of “bedside manners” (is that the term?). When the dentist started drilling and Emelie signed that it hurt, they just said “just a little more” and pushed through. And I didn’t stop them. I found myself saying “it’s over soon. You’re doing good!” Trying to support her. When they were done with the drilling and put the drill away Emelie thought they were done and tried to sit up. The dentist pushed her down and said “No, what are you doing! We’re not done!” There was still the filling to be done.

When everything was finally done and we were ushered out of the dentist office Emelie broke down completely. She began telling me how scared she’d been and she relived the situation right there in front of me as she was putting words to it. Her experience was one of being completely out of control, in pain and not understanding what was happening.
I was caught off guard and I just didn’t know what to say other than hugging her and listening to her, mirroring back her words to let her know I listened to her. My mind reeling with blame towards myself; I didn’t stand my ground. I wasn’t there for her. Dammit! I wanted desperately to help her put an empowering meaning on this situation but I was failing miserably.

Anchoring memories

There are some experiences that seem to get an instant obvious place in your mind and memories. Memories, just like thought patterns and skills, can anchor in your brain using repetition. Enough times practicing a dance move and your brain will adjust the wiring to support that move. Memories will stick in your head if you repeat them often. When you share them with others or when you relive them in your head. Every time that memory will get a little stronger.

Sometimes a memory doesn’t need any repetition at all to stick to your brain like glue. “Connect a memory to a strong feeling and it will burn in your mind forever”. Strong feelings, both positive and negative, anchor memories immediately. This is why you remember the song you danced to when you fell in love and the birth of your children so well. It is also why you can develop a phobia from just one bad experience.

Changing your memories

A phobia is a thought pattern that has been stored in your mind, connected to a meaning and to strong negative feelings. Just like normal memories are moldable so can phobias also be changed by deliberate effort. This is what cognitive therapy is about.

I needed to help Emelie change the meaning and clear out the negative feelings she associated to the dentist visit. We talked about what had happened. I had made a mistake in not ensuring that we had all the time we needed. It was my job to make sure that she could ask all questions she wanted. We talked about the mistake with the anesthesia and that if we make sure that we get the entire dose then the drilling won’t hurt the next time. I also encouraged her to refuse to let any doctor or dentist, or anyone, do anything to her in the future that she didn’t understand and approve. I promised her that I would 100% stand up for her.

We needed to reframe her experience

I called the dentist office and nagged them into letting us go on a new checkup very soon after the incident. I told them what had happened and I asked that we get an appointment with someone who had experience with children and that could show us how everything works. This visit went really well.  We’re also booked to go back again within 6 months instead of waiting a full year like we’re supposed to. We want to go often to build confidence and security in this setting.

She now knows that she’s got the right to decide what happens to her. She understands that because that dentist was so stressed and so misunderstood what was going on she learnt the value of standing her ground and trusting her own feelings. We’ve talked about how right she was to feel the way she did and how I will always support her when she expresses her needs and limits. We’ve practiced, in our conversations, how that experience should have been. We’ve done it enough times so that she now feels empowered when she thinks about it.

Actionable

We can’t change what has happened to us but we can change how the memory impacts us. Do you, or your child, have a memory that keeps coming back bringing with it a negative feeling?

There are many ways to alter the effects of a memory and the theories for changing a memory are  simple but not always easy. Depending on the level of trauma that was part of the experience you might need to seek support in the process.

This exercise is very effective but doesn’t require you to go back to relive the memory. The idea is to reframe the experience to give it another meaning which in turn will impact the feeling it gives you.

  1. Bring out pen and paper and begin by writing a short caption of the event. Write what happened and how you feel about it. What is your truth about what happened? Add a headline to the memory as you currently remember it.
    My headline was “I wasn’t there for my daughter when she needed me”
    Emelies headline was “Dentists don’t listen and going to have my teeth taken care of hurts”
  2. Take another piece of paper and describe the same event again. This time write it in a third person perspective like you’re telling a story about unknown characters. E.g. “A woman accompanied her 8 year old daughter to the dentist to fix a cavity… “
    This will help you distance from the feeling of it and let you see the situation clearly.Reframe
  3. Now comes the time to be creative. Look at the situation and ask yourself the following questions;
    • What else could this mean?
    • What have I learnt from going through this?
    • How am I better prepared for the future because I experienced what I did
  4. Lastly. Write a new description of what happened and use the empowering words and meaning you’ve discovered. Set a new headline to the incident. Ours was; “The day Emelie learnt to trust her own feelings and stand her ground”.

If the feelings that come with the memory are shame or blame, which makes it even harder to distance yourself from, it might help further to imagine the situation but with someone you love. Picture the same event but replace yourself with someone you feel protective of and a warm love towards. When it’s time to ask yourself what else the situation could mean imagine what you would say to that person to help reframe the experience.

BeBrave

Using your feelings and emotions as tools for action

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Tools

Your mind could be likened to a toolbox. You were born with a number of tools already in place e.g. the abilities to trust, to love, to be curious and to learn. You added some tools to your box as you grew up. Tools for getting what you want, for making people like you, for safety and significance. You probably picked tools that look like the ones in your parent’s or friend’s toolboxes.

You probably aren’t aware of some of the tools you use and even less of however they are effective or not. Some of your tools are your feelings and emotions.

Feelings and emotions are what makes life worth living. At least the good ones. Love, compassion, curiosity, passion, drive, faith, gratitude and belonging are all feelings that bring meaning to our days.

The question is why we seem to have really crappy tools in our toolbox – all the “negative” feelings? Anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, overwhelm, fear, shame..

Impact your results by changing your feelings or impact you feelings by changing your results

Circle of beliefs

There is a concept called “the circle of beliefs and results”. It states that your Beliefs, Feelings, Actions and Results are interdependent on each other.

You can make conscious changes to any of the entry points and so impact the other three. Humans unconsciously lead their actions based on their Beliefs and Values which is why this is the base entry point.

You can choose to change your Beliefs or Feelings which will impact your Actions and then your Results. But you can also choose to Act differently, without the changed Belief/Feeling, which will get you new Results which in turn will impact your Beliefs.

Taking control over your feelings and taking action despite of them is to take control over your life.

Use feelings and emotions as the beacons and fuel they are

Why do we experience negative feelings now and then? Why are they part of the human experience? Was it because humans are supposed to suffer? I don’t think so. I’ve written about Fear before and I believe that Fear is the underlying driver for all other negative feelings. But diving into the root cause based in Fear takes some practice and time and the solutions that needs to be applied to get around the root fear is sometimes just not practical in the short term.

Let me give an example. Imagine that what you feel is some level of overwhelm at everything you need to make happen at work. The root cause, when you give yourself some time to think about it, is probably fear; fear of not being able to pay your bills, fear of being looked at like you’re incompetent. But to come to terms with a long term solution for NOT feeling those fears might involve some really hard questions about your chosen profession and/or your level of knowledge and skill. In the short term the “lighter” feeling of overwhelm can be mastered and free you up to take a look at fear when you have your chemicals back under control.

I believe that most negative feelings have no inherent purpose for humanity but that they can be incredibly powerful tools for living consciously. Feelings are the best beacons when it comes to bringing your core values and beliefs to your conscious mind. Your core values and beliefs are what triggers your emotional response and they are what you use to give a meaning to a situation. This happens automatically without you being aware of the actual thought behind the feeling. You might feel startled by an emotion but trust me, there is always a meaning that YOU’ve placed on a situation and it is this meaning that provoke the feeling.

So when a powerful emotion seizes you just stop and listen to it. It comes with knowledge and a possibility to make changes to get new results.

Taking new action for new results using feelings and emotions as signals

Tony Robbins, one of my many (unaware) personal mentors, has defined possible “new actions” for a number of “negative” feelings. The theory is that feelings are just signals. Signals that come with a specific message of action depending on the category of the feeling.

The signal itself is for you to do one of two things;

  1. Change your procedure – Take a different Action according to the description below and/or
  2. Change your perception – Change your Belief/meaning about what is happening. Make a conscious decision to get new tools.

Using feelings as tools for achieving new results

Here is a summary of the categories and the actions you can take to change them

  • Uncomfortable (Impatient, uneasy, distressed, mildly embarrassed)
    You need to change your state. Clarify what you want, then take action in that direction.
  • Fear (Concern, apprehension, scared, terrified)
    Get yourself prepared to deal with something that’s about to come.
  • Hurt (Sense of loss)
    Evaluate whether there really is a loss. Change your way of communicating your needs or change your behavior.
  • Anger (mildly irritated, resentful, livid, rage)
    One of your important rules has been violated by somebody, maybe you?
    Clarify your rules or adjust them.
  • Frustration (held back or hindered in the pursuit of something)
    You need to change your approach to achieve a different outcome.
  • Disappointment (sad, defeated)
    You need to accept that an expectation or an outcome you had won’t happen ad make new plans.
  • Guilt (emotions of regret)
    You have violated one of your own standards. Make things right with everyone involved if you can.
  • Inadequacy (less than or unworthy)
    You need to do something to get better. You don’t have to be perfect, you simply need to start taking action, such as go practice, to improve at whatever it is.
  • Overloaded (overwhelmed, hopeless, or depressed)
    Reevaluate what is most important to you in this situation. Distinguish between what is a necessity and what is a desire. Prioritize. Take the first item on your list and do something about it.
  • Loneliness (apart or separate from)
    You need a connection with people. Clarify what kind of connection you need: friendship, somebody to laugh with, somebody to listen to you.. Then reach out.

Take action today

If you want to start using your feelings as beacons to shed a light on your drivers – your values and beliefs and/or if you want quick new results in your life this following exercise can help you. It is similar to the exercise for getting to know your Fear but with the added specific actions you can take to change your Results.

  1. Start taking notice of the emotions you’re experiencing during a day
  2. Whenever the emotion is a negative one stop and feel it. Which category of feelings does it belong to? Let it in and sit with it until you get the message it’s sending you. Is this a situation where you can more easily change your actions or is it one where it will be more effective to change your perception?
  3. Take the new action, according to the category of feeling, in all situations that requires it
  4. For changing your perception and making sure that your subconscious accepts the new Beliefs and Values write them down in your journal whenever you uncover them

Use the tools you have in your toolbox today effectively and when you realize that you are ready for a larger redecoration of your mental space get new tools.

BeBrave

Choose connection. Your brain give meaning to facts

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Choose connection

The level of quality you experience in your life is equal to the quality of the feelings you experience. If you’ve followed my blog you know that I believe that the meaning of life is to enjoy this human experience and using your focus will really impact how you feel about being a human. Your brain give meaning to facts and situations in your life.

Let me share a typical situation from my everyday life:

It’s a weekday around five o’clock. I step in the door to our apartment. I put the grocery bag and my back-pack, with my very non-portable computer, down on the floor. My mind busy with thoughts of what to cook for dinner, the clothes in the washing machine that needs hanging, plans for the evening – to get homework and chores done, reminding myself to return the missed phone call from my sister when I get the time. My thoughts stubbornly wandering back to a disagreement from earlier today – could I have said something different, why did the things he said get to me like that?

I see the garbage bag sitting on the floor by the door where I left it this morning, the unpacked gym bag that I know contains a wet towel, I glance into the kitchen and see the table with pieces of paper, scissors and glue stick strewn over it. The floor glittering in a yellow tint.

I hear a Youtuber-feed from behind a closed door to one daughter’s room and a shout from the other “Is that you mum!?”

My world is full of facts – My brain gives them meaning

The situation above, or very similar ones, are ones that I’ve lived through many many times. I’ve had the opportunity to try different approaches to managing them with very different results. Let me give you two examples from my life. Maybe you’ll get a feeling for the results by just reading about them. Maybe you can relate to these scenarios and the impact it will have on the connection you have with your children.

So the situation above is the same in these two scenarios.

Scenario 1 – “I have the RIGHT to get cooperation and help!”

My thoughts fall into a routine that I’ve been running enough times to become really efficient with it. “Haven’t I taught them better than this? She should know how her towel is going to stink if she doesn’t hang it up to dry when she gets home. Euw that garbage is going to start to smell bad! Is it too much to ask that they take some initiative – do I have to do everything? I’m SO tired.. can’t they see that just because you’re tired you can’t just give in to the lust to chill and do nothing.”

I call to my daughter “Yes it’s me! Hey you haven’t unpacked your gym bag!”

Then I walk into the kitchen and start unpacking the food and getting everything into the pantry and fridge. I set a pan on the stove to bring water for spaghetti to the boil, place some meatballs from the freezer on defrost in the micro and start cutting vegetables.

My daughter comes into the kitchen with a present for me. She’s created a painting with the words “Worlds best mother”, set it into a frame filled with yellow glitter and wrapped it into a gift. I somewhat reluctantly set the vegetable knife down to open her gift, thank her for the beautiful gift and then tell her to please take care of the mess on the kitchen table because dinner’s ready soon. She complies, cleans the table and quietly go into her room and closes her door.

Dinner is ready, I’ve set the table and lit some candles to make it cozy. I shout to my daughters to tell them “Dinner time!”. My Youtube-daughter doesn’t respond and I angrily call her again. I think “Does she have to be so into that blogger?! Why can’t she be a little more interested to help out at home more and why does she isolate herself in her room so often?”

My other daughter is not responding at all and when I go to find her she’s up in her bunk bed watching a series on the IPad. “I just wanna finish this episode, I’ll be there soon”.

So I go into the kitchen and sit myself down. For every 20 seconds that passes without my kids joining me I get more and more irritated – “What kind of family are we? We can’t even eat dinner together?! Why don’t they appreciate my efforts? Why can’t they take responsibility for contributing to this family and our time together”.

When my eldest (Youtube watching) girl comes into the kitchen sits down and drops the comment that “oh we had meatballs for lunch in school today” I just snap “How was I supposed to know – I really can’t keep everything in my head”.

Calling to my youngest that “Dinner is getting cold, get here!”

I’ve forgotten to lay out knives and forks and when one of my girls gets some for herself and not for her sister a fight starts. Angry voices and irritated body languages, that look that says “you suck!” with all the clarity in the world. “Why couldn’t she get some for me while she was on her feet?!”, “Why do you have to get so angry with me?!”, “I wasn’t angry” ….

We eat our food quickly and mostly silently. My nerves are rattled by the rapid chewing.. “does she have to eat so fast, she can’t possibly taste the food. She’s not going to listen to her own body in terms of feeling full. What kinda bad parent am I who hasn’t been able to create an environment where eating together is something cozy, safe and something that builds connection?”

When we’re done I ask who’s responsible for taking out the trash this week with the intention to remind whoever it is and one of the girls says “I was going to do it after dinner, don’t nag me!”

I’m left at the table with a sinking feeling of being alone, unappreciated and not being enough.

Time from entering the apartment to having had dinner: 50 minutes
Level of energy: 3/10
Level of life satisfaction: 2/10

Scenario 2 – “I’ve missed my little monsters today!”

I step out of my shoes drop my jacket on the floor and shout back to my girl that “NOOOO, it’s not mum, it’s the Cuddling police and you’re going to be arrested for not showering your mum with hugs and kisses when she walks in the door! I’m coming to get you!”

I hear a yell of glee from her room when she throws herself up into her bed to get away from me. I run into her room and climb into her bunk bed, pretend not to see her under the cover, laying down on top of her to get “some nice rest”. When she squeals I untangle her and attack her with tickling and kisses. We laugh and eventually settle down. I ask about her day. She lights up and tells me she’s made me a gift!

I unwrap the painting and I thank her and ask her about it. “Did it take long, what gave her the idea, did she have fun?” She tells me she tried twice before she got it exactly the way she wanted it and that she chose yellow glitter since she knows how it’s my favorite color.

I hug her and tell her how grateful I am to be her mum and that I love to watch her create stuff.

I ask if she’s hungry and if she would like to come help out in the kitchen and keep me company and tell me more about today. She follows me into the kitchen and I say; “Ah, I can see you were creating your painting in here. Is the table here better than the one in your room?” She says yes and I tell her that I understand that, that I feel that way too. Then I ask her if she can help clear and set the table which she agrees to.

I kiss her head and tell her I’ll be right there with her.

I go knock on my Youtube-watching girl’s door and wait for the “come in”. She’s sitting in her bed writing something on her phone. I sit down next to her, kiss her on the neck and ask her how she’s doing. She hugs me and tells me she’s writing a list of things that she wants to experience in her life. She got the idea from a Youtuber and she wanted to create her own “bucket list”. I say “Wow how cool! What a great idea! Do you want to share some of your items over dinner?”

We walk into the kitchen and I ask the big one to unpack the groceries while she tells us about the idea about the bucket list and I start with dinner. I give the younger one a cutting board, a knife and some vegetables so she can sit at the table and start cutting. We talk about the possibility of each having a list and about having a shared one for the family. We start dreaming and planning for how we can combine each other’s items and experience these things together.

I ask if they think we should have lit candles for our dinner and they get some candles out and divide them up between themselves so they both get to use the matches to light them.

We have dinner and the conversation turns from long term bucket list goals to how our days have been. We finish the meal together. Afterwards I ask them if they’re done with their chores which reminds my eldest to go take out the garbage.

Time from entering the apartment to having had dinner: 50 minutes
Level of energy: 7/10
Level of life satisfaction: 8/10

Ask from a “Yes” – Connection is actually the quicker way

The primary difference between these two scenarios is not in the time spent or saved. I believe the big difference lies in the amount of energy you get/loose and in the quality of your feelings. However I will still argue that you will actually save time as well. Think of the time you spend on nagging or managing fights today. I bet you could reduce that by at least 50% by focusing on improving you connection.

A good and reliable proof that you’re connecting is when you hear affirmative answers/comments from your child. Writer, therapist and teacher Susan Stiffelman describes the theory of Asking from a yes. She talks about using this theory not as manipulation but as a focus that will promote connection instead of efficiency.

When you focus on the connection between you and your children you will realize that they want to help, they want to participate and be an important part of your family. They want to spend time with you. If you work on your connection you will be able to influence your children towards cooperation and taking initiative for contributing to the family that is as much their safe haven as it is yours.

Action for today

So what can you do today to learn about yourself and the connection between focus and feelings? Primarily just stay curious and play the game of – “What else could this mean?” Whenever you find yourself in a negative feeling today take a mental step back. Look at the situation and see what other focus and meaning you can find. When you find a different meaning then pay attention to how your feelings change. I also recommend you to write your observations down in a journal.

BeBrave

Fear – The universal root of your bad decisions

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Fear

Fear is that constant companion that is involved in all your bad decisions. I believe that fear is what keeps us from returning to the beautiful, open and quite frankly loving beings that we are. And in that sense fear really is the root of evil.

Fear is a part of the human experience that act according to a misconceived purpose to protect. Fear wants to keep you safe and safe means without change. It will access all your mental capacity and turn it against you, if needed, to stop you from making big changes in your life. This is why fear often keeps people with high IQ from moving forward. Their logical minds supply an endless stream of completely reasonable arguments for why taking action is a bad thing.

Fear has a purpose

There are completely natural reasons for fear. Looking at the genetics and the human evolution you realize that the brain was not developed to make us happy. It was developed to keep us safe. I bet you’ve heard the example of how our ancestors needed the physical reactions induced by fear to be able to survive the occasional meet-up with saber toothed tigers.

Fear also keeps you from doing really stupid and dangerous stuff like petting poisonous snakes, swimming in the shark-filled ocean or voluntarily strapping yourself into the free fall ride at the amusement park.. Fear is supposed to keep you from doing things that could kill you.

When fear does gets a hold on you the chemicals that flood your system are very real and needs to be dealt with. Your body releases adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol into your bloodstream. These chemicals in turn make your body turn down the functionality of the digestion system and some nervous systems. This is done so as to redistribute power to give the body a burst of strength and energy.

These chemicals also narrows your focus span down to what is commonly related to as tunnel vision. This is a physical phenomenon aimed to keep you VERY focused on the perceived problem so you, in theory, can find a solution for it quickly.

So fear has a purpose. To keep you safe. It’s really trying its very utmost to be of service and be helpful to you. It’s just that the programming for “safe” hasn’t been updated in a million years or so..

The most fearsome situation

The situation that possibly damage us the most is that fear still believes that one of the most risky results for a human is the risk of being…. *drum roll*…  ALONE!

Again, this is natural. It is neuroscience and chemicals. You didn’t stand much of a chance back in time if you didn’t have a tribe to count on. But today that situation is not terminal. It’s painful, lonely and boring but it’s not going to kill you!

Knowing that fear is not a supporting friend and that being ostracized is not a deadly situation helps me to catch my fears voice when it shows up. But it still takes constant awareness. You see my fear has a way of sneaking up on me.

It’s cunningly awaiting just that moment when my defenses are lowered. When I’m tired or in physical pain. It gets into my brain and use everything I know and everything I’ve ever been afraid of and throws it together with just enough truth behind it that arguing back feels pointless.

Manage fear

When you’re in the clutch of fear the first thing you need to do is to manage the chemicals. One of the fastest ways to do that is to change your physical state:

  • Stand up and stretch your hands to the sky
  • Fake laugh until you make yourself actually laugh from feeling so silly
  • Do a silly dance disco style

There are many other ways to get out of the paralyzing fear and if you often find yourself frozen I’d recommend that you consider looking to find professional help.

The most effective way to manage fear is to catch it before it pushes you into full-blown “flight or fight” mode. To be effective in this you really need to know more about it.

Best Friends Forever

I don’t know at what level you are in terms of your connection to your fear. Maybe you’re on a first-name basis. Maybe you’ve already managed to establish a loving but firmly controlled relationship.

As you get to know your fear you will notice that there are recurring situations that triggers it and that there are patterns to the actual excuses that it uses. This will help you anticipate and mitigate the effects beforehand.

The following exercise is powerful and will let your subconscious let things be known to your conscious. The trick is to do this with intention and to use the written language that speaks directly to the subconscious.

Get personal

  1. Personalize your fear
    Give him/her a name and a tone of voice.
  2. Learn to notice when Fear starts acting/talking.Notebook
    Use a notebook or a simple “notes function” on your phone and for one week write down what Fear says. This takes some practice but it gets easier and easier. You will quickly notice how often Fear is in the driver seat. Stop what you’re doing and simply write down what Fear just said. In the beginning maybe all you will get is short sentences or words; “stop”, “you can’t do that”, “who do you think you are?” Just keep writing, don’t make it complicated – this is just a gathering process. Write a short note on the situation and what Fear said.
  3. Get to know your fear.
    When you have a week’s worth of material it’s time to get to know your Fear properly. This step might be a bit scary in itself and could actually trigger that Fear; He/she knows you’re on to him/her at this point. When doing this step may I suggest that you set aside some time for yourself somewhere where you won’t be disturbed. Print your notes and bring pens and paper. Start sorting through what your Fear has been suggesting. Are there any patterns to the rambling?In what situations does he/she get going?What is he/she trying to get you to do/not do?
  4. Take control.
    Usually it’s enough to personalize and get to know your Fear to empower you to act in face of it. When you start acting in spite of Fear you prove to yourself that you’re in control and that you are capable of running your life. With the self-confidence comes the trust that Fear needs to be able to sit back and take a much needed rest. Let him/her sit in the passenger seat and be the vigilant companion he/she’s supposed to be.

Love your fear

I’ve become a huge believer in energy and in accepting what is in my life. Instead of pushing bad feelings and thoughts down I do my best to welcome them as the teachers they are. Welcome and even love them. When I can love my fear she rests comfortably within me, secure in her importance and role.

Fear has a purpose. To keep me safe. It’s a purpose worthy of love! She needs to be part of my life, she keeps me on the right track. She reminds me too keep my promises to myself and others so I don’t let myself down. My fear makes sure I keep going way past being tired to make sure we live up to our standards. She keeps an eye on my energy levels so I take a day of to rest when needed.

She also gives me the opportunity to grow and to be brave! Without Fear there would be no courage. And Fear is my best indicator for knowing what I need to do and act on next.

BeBrave

Family schedule – Plan for fun as well as for spontaneity

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Family Schedule

It’s said that you “shouldn’t prioritize your schedule but instead schedule your priorities”. We use a family schedule to plan for fun and for efficiency – yep, recovering but not totally healed from efficiency addiction.. ;p Joking aside, I really believe that agreeing on a plan gives our family the tools for managing a lot whilst also having time for fun things and for flexibility/spontaneity.

We want to do so many things!

The need for a shared calendar became urgent when my eldest daughter started school. Before that both girls were going to the same pre-school and the schedules were pretty similar. It was when I had to manage two different plans including school trips, gym classes and homework that I realized that pure brain power just wasn’t enough.

I wrote “We want to do so many things!” in the subheading for a reason. I’ve always felt how important it is to voice your “wants” instead of your “have to’s”. “I have to go to work” is NOT a good thing to say if you want to feel happy about doing just that. The words you place on your experience will color it and give you different feelings about it.
“I want to read a bedtime story with my girls every night” gives me a totally different feeling than “I have to read a bedtime story..”. I am however stretching that theory a bit here since I really have a hard time with wanting to do chores.

The first tries in getting an overview of all our wants/needs were wall calendars and different sorts of apps. The wall calendar was good since we could all see it, the apps were nice since I could access it from everywhere. The problems however were that my girls didn’t have phones and couldn’t see the calendar and the wall calendar was so small so we missed checking up on it.

Doing everything by myself was becoming impossible

I kept missing to bring packed lunch on the days when either needed it. I failed to remind them to bring the gym bags. We spent many late nights working hard (stressed and angrily) on homework that had been forgotten and was due for the next day.

I also felt very alone in the responsibility for our house. I was the only one who actually had the knowledge and experience of keeping a household. Although I haphazardly tried to get them involved it usually ended up in a fight or in me stepping in and taking over.

The most persuasive factor for figuring out this planning issue was that I had a growing frustration inside. A frustration born out of not spending quality time with my family. Not having time to connect and have fun.

Family meetings

I read. A lot. I believe that there are ideas and answers out there just for the taking. My belief is that I’m responsible for solving my issues and I also believe that there is probably not a problem that I’m faced with that someone else hasn’t already faced and smashed! So I continuously search for solutions to my problems.

The books I read are in the area of personal and family development (intertwined with an occasional Fantasy novel – shout out to Tolkien, Salvatore, Sarandon, Maas, Gaiman and all the other writers doing such an excellent job in bringing stories and characters alive!)

One concept that kept coming up in regards to Family theory was the idea of having Family meetings. The format and purpose was described a bit differently in different sources but the overall idea was the same. A time for the family where everyone was committed to listening and participating.  A time that was scheduled on a weekly basis and that everyone had agreed to prioritize. For more information on the theory of a family meeting I really recommend reading these books:

  • Parenting with presence – Practices for raising conscious, confident, caring kids – Susan Stiffelman
  • The 7 habits of highly effective families – Steven R Covey

Visual aids

The idea to use visual aids was born from the fact that the kids were young and didn’t read that well yet. The practice grew on us and matured as we went along. My experiences with accelerated learning and NLP made me a true believer in combining the written words with the visual aids. Different colors for different subjects, board for overview and pictures for details.

GameNight LaundryGarbage

We planned our meetings for Saturday mornings

It took some time and effort to introduce this practice in my family. I was ready to give up a number of times. We still have some meetings that leave me frustrated about the lack of participation. I try to make the meetings fun and easy. To keep them short and to the point. Kids get restless and I’ve noticed that talking about “everything that has to happen this week” can be really overwhelming.

We’ve been trying out different approaches and come to a structure that works for us. We’ve decided to have our meeting on Saturdays. We start the day with breakfast where we can enjoy sitting still and not having to rush to work/school. After breakfast the girls go do something they want to do and I do some pre-research.

I check the mail correspondence from the teachers for the schedules for next week. I check my own schedule for activities that I need to plan for. Pre-research also mean that I make a preliminary plan for what we will eat for dinner during the week.

When I have a pretty good idea of the week I ask the girls how long they need to finish what they´re doing to come join the meeting. It’s usually between 5-15 minutes. I bring the board and we gather in the kitchen. We walk through the different areas; chores, homework, extra activities, fun times and dinners. We write and set pictures on the board according to how we divide this week’s activities.

Make it fun!

Please don’t believe, like I did, that a family meeting will be something that kids will automatically WANT to participate in. They really don’t. They want to do fun things. Kids know about enjoying life 🙂 One way is to plan for some snacks for the meeting! We usually make some popcorn that we can nibble on.

One important parameter for a good meeting is when I plan something that we can look forward to this week. Having some “good news” or a space in the schedule for spontaneous proposals for fun activities sets a good mood for the meeting.

Want some inspiration and more ideas for a family meeting?

If you want more details and some help in getting started with your family meeting go check out the Lifehack page. You’ll find the areas we cover in our meetings, some examples on definitions of chores as well as pictures that you can use for inspiration for your family board.

It’s really your responsibility to sell this theory to them. Again and again and again. It’s also your responsibility to keep a positive state during the meeting no matter what. The kids will come around and really appreciate these meetings but it takes time. Be persistent, stay positive, keep going with enthusiasm and if you need to cry, scream or just vent frustration look me up on Facebook! Join the group “Pride of Lions” I promise to listen and cheer you on!

 

BeBrave

Threats, punishments and bribery

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Threats, punishments and bribery

I can be very convincing and persuasive, make my point and argue with conviction for my ideas. Coming from a background of a fixed mindset this was an inevitable skill I needed to master to make sure I came out of every argument “on top”, being right, having all the answers… (*sigh*). Having kids was part of what eventually made the cracks in my mindset large enough to let the light of growth and tolerance to begin to seep in. If by nothing else then by the sheer volume of situations where I finally just had to admit that the way I was acting or thinking was NOT working and that I needed to change.

Before I had kids I had a dog, a beautiful huge Giant Schnauzer (Riesen), named Gimli 🙂
I learnt the importance of an assertive and dominant leadership style, to ensure that my instructions were always clear and consistent and most importantly to make sure that my commands were respected. A fellow dog-loving friend told me “Think before giving a command! if you’re in your new beautiful shoes and your dog is in the mud field doing something you would rather he didn’t – then decide if you really want to shout “no” to him, because if he doesn’t stop you HAVE to follow up with going out there!” I learnt a lot about impulse control, consistency and alpha leadership from Gimli.

Threats, punishment and bribery

Sometimes the clear, assertive and serious attitude is hard to find…  Gimli wanted to help with the painting.  #Family Fun?

A CHILD IS LIKE A DOG – RIGHT?

When my kids came along I thought that raising them would be pretty much the same in theory as being the alpha for a dog. Be clear, consistent and follow through with consequences if not respected. I don’t know if you’ve tried the dictator leadership style with your kids.. it sure wasn’t working for me. I spent a lot of my time and energy on endless conflicts, trying to tell myself that this was just a phase and that they would grow out of this rebellious behavior. I used to say, only partly joking, that the three pillars of parenting were “threats, punishments and bribery”. This belief was one that I finally had to admit was not just flawed but actually completely inappropriate and destructive.

A child is not an inferior creature that you need to guard and put into place. A child need to know the rules that apply in interacting with other people, so yes you need to be clear, but they need to understand the rules and the reasoning behind them to be able to become questioning and self-reliant adults. It is also important that a child realizes and gets to experience the consequences that comes from choosing to act in a certain way. And consistency is important, the rules and consequences we’ve agreed upon should apply the way they do with everyone else they will encounter in life. But a child needs to be able to question rules, to choose their actions (and decide to suffer the consequences) and to test their limits and abilities to grow.

BEING A  PARENT IS ABOUT GETTING THINGS DONE

Besides the Alpha leadership idea I held another messed up belief that I think was primarily what pushed me towards the threats, punishments and bribery mindset with my kids. I believed that my life needed to be efficient!  I ran my family as if there was a diploma on the line. We needed to get things done! A lot of things! And that meant we didn’t have time for managing conflicts or individual desires. This also meant that there was very little time for letting my kids learn to do things for themselves. I dressed them, I washed them, I brushed their teeth and hair, I cooked all meals, I cleaned the house, I cleaned their room… We needed to be efficient. Get things done. And so the short term solution was to threat or bribe my kids into just doing what they were told. No surprise… I was a very tired mom.

The thing is that I have actually always also believed that one of my jobs as a parent is to teach them to be self-reliant and to be able to take care of themselves. I was feeling increasingly stressed about when I would get enough time and energy to get to that teaching. As if teaching was something isolated from our everyday life.

I’ve come to accept that the teaching I do is primary through the way I live my life and that the lessons are there every day in our interactions with each other and with the people and circumstances that life put in our way.

BEING EFFICIENT vs LIVING YOUR #Family Purpose

Have you considered what your job as a parent is? Your answer will be unique in detail to you and your background. Are you running to be efficient or are you effective in making progress towards something important in the long run and enjoying your life?

Threats, punishments and bribery are not strategies that will contribute to #Family Connection and probably not to any of your long term goals. If you want more information to be convinced I can recommend reading the book Kids are worth it! by Barbara Coloroso.

But if you, like me, have been using these strategies you can actually get good use and golden nuggets out of them even as you work towards eliminating them from your life. You can use the situations where you tend to stumble into these strategies as beacons for finding situations to change. Often one or two changes that are of core importance is all it takes to make a huge difference.

TAKE ACTION – Get a piece of paper and write down the answers to these questions:

  1. In what situations during a normal day do we get into conflicts where I start using threats of punishments to get my way?

  2. What is the real reason that my child is digging his/her heals down in that situation?

  3. What do I want to happen?

  4. What can I do differently to still achieve what I want but without losing our warm connection?

BE PATIENT AND OPEN

Be kind to yourself while working to change. And be patient. It takes time for your child to trust the change you’re trying to implement. He/she will test you several times to verify your resolve and commitment.

I had a continuous fight with one of my daughters about getting out of bed in the mornings. She was always tired and in a bad mood.

We talked about it after dinner one night and I asked her if she could think of a way that I could wake her so that she would wake up happier. She knew exactly what she wanted; “I want you to attack me and tickle me with kisses!”  I thought “Yeah right! She will bite my head of for rudely wakening her!” but she actually loved it! Sure, she was a bit chocked at first but almost immediately she realized what was going on and was both laughing and cuddling me. 

Stay true to your needs. Listen to your child. Find ways that works for the both of you!

BeBrave
 
 
 
 

What’s the point?

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Meaning of life

Okay so let’s look at one on the Huge questions 🙂 What is the meaning of life?

Do you ever think about it? I do. I refer to the personal approach; What is the meaning of my life? Have you ever been asked that question by a child, by someone who looks up to you and trusts that you will be able to provide some answers or at least some clues? I’ve noticed that the level of my own commitment and trust in my answer differ some depending on what state of mind I’m in when I‘m asked.

When I’m in a low state I tend to not even remember my theories. It’s as if some part of me don’t want to get it together. In a low state my internal answer is usually somewhere along the lines of “I have no frigging clue!”, “Leave me alone!” or “To eat massive amounts of sugar!” That’s not what I say out loud.. of course. Out loud I usually get myself together enough to recite some version of the truth I really know to be true. I latch on to pure faith in that I will feel that truth again and I stick with what I’ve so far been able to piece together as my current version of an answer.

Easy answer – difficult to do

There are so many different tastes and views on meaning and happiness. Self-help sections intertwined with mindfulness practices. I believe that we’re all looking for pretty much the same basic thing;

To enjoy this human experience!

But if the end goal is the same for everyone, shouldn’t the solutions then be pretty easy to define? Nah, the thing is that we pursue this goal in endless different ways depending on a myriad of factors.

I’ve come to visualize this diversity of guiding principles as a “cube”. The core is the same and represent the universal human goals and needs. The sides of the cube represent different mindsets and approaches to finding your personal answers and vehicles for experiencing these feelings and to satisfy these needs.

Meaning of life

The sides might very well consist of even more/different aspects/mindsets/approaches to life, the ones I’ve used are just examples.

How You describe Your guiding principles is personal and depend on your background. It depends on how you were raised, the people around you and the level of awareness you’re at i.e. how well you can hear and moderate your inner dialogue. I believe it’s also related to how well you’ve learnt to manage your fear.

Still an all too easy answer?

You might argue that, even with the different approaches according to the cube, the goal to enjoy being alive, sounds deceivingly simple. If the goal is to have that feeling then just go ahead and enjoy! Right?

Maybe.

Enter the concept of timeframe, the difference between short term and long term. Is the pleasure of the moment valued differently than the feeling of achieving goals that demand restraining from instant temporary pleasures?
Yes, because the enjoyment is different. The positive consequences and the case for resisting short term pleasure and for combating urges in the moment is well described in the book The Marshmallow test by Walter Mischel.

Personally I rely on neuroscience when it comes to this topic. Short term pleasure is SUPER great! But it’s by its very definition a temporary experience. You do something that makes your body/brain produce the feel good hormones, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. These hormones feel great and believe me I also seek them out and thoroughly enjoy them when they flood my system. But these feelings will recede, the body will work to get back into balance, and you will be back to your personal baseline. There is nothing wrong or sad about this idea, to me it’s just truth.

Two ways of living the meaning of your life

So basically you have two ways of optimizing this life experience;

  • Participate in experiences that give you that chemical mix that feels SO good and/or
  • Raise the level of your baseline.

What activities raise your baseline? What short term pleasures bring valuable energy to your life?

These distinctions have been important for me when choosing what activities to spend my hours on in regards to this concept of happiness.

  1. Pick short term pleasures that support the long term goals
    When choosing a short term pleasure I try to make sure that the activity is not something that I will regret participating in when I come down from the high. Eating a piece of cake is fine – eating the entire cake will NOT be. Spending an hour with a fantasy novel on my balcony is relaxing and lets me rest while I will regret mindlessly surfing channels on TV that hour.
  2. Enjoy the short term pleasure!
    Also; when actually choosing a short term pleasure that might not be according to my long term goals, eating even that one piece of cake when I’m on a low carb diet, I’ve realized that I used to give myself a shit load of pain (blame) even as I was doing it. This of course seriously damaged the high that I was after and made the whole experience a LOW rather than a high. The trick is to choose quickly and stick with your choice no matter what! Decide and enjoy!
  3. Focus most of your energy on raising the baseline
    In the end it will be far more effective, to your happiness, to spend your energy on raising your baseline of happiness instead of chasing temporary thrills. The short answer on how to do this is to follow your intuition and to forcefully focus on the activities that will make you proud of yourself. Not proud in a bloated egotistical way but in a dignified and sublime manner. If you can do something, that you know is truly good, without anyone knowing about it then you’re on the right course.