Skillset Parents

Teaching children the value of managing money

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Value

At what age is it proper to start to talk about finances and the value of money with your children? Should you talk about it at all? How much or little of it is appropriate to let your children manage at what age?

Do you want your children to live in financial abundance? Make sure that you know your own subconscious beliefs about money before trying to impact your younglings.

Make it a subject to research at home

When I started learning about personal development, and devoting myself to becoming the best version of me that I can be, I started setting goals. A few of those goals where in the financial area. I’ve gone slow but steadily forward moving from increasing the hourly fee I charge for my consultancy business to becoming debt free and learning about and creating passive income.

I threw myself into understanding money, how to earn it, keep it and make it grow. It’s been like going back to school but immeasurably more fun since this time I have strong reasons for learning. Everything I’ve learnt has led to even more areas to explore and to dive deeper into. As I’ve begun to see the real life value of understanding this area I’ve felt an increasing frustration of not having learnt about this before. Why isn’t this subject taught at elementary school?

I decided to make money and financial abundance a subject that we should explore at home. I wanted to create a structure for my own learning as well as for my kids’ and I began with defining a number of categories to investigate with my children.

Categories regarding money to research with my kids:

  • Mindset about money – Abundance and generosity
  • Financial literacy – getting comfortable talking in terms of money
  • The value of money and “Need vs Want”
  • Self-reliance – responsibility and the ability to plan
  • Creating, keeping and making money grow

Learning about the value of money

One of categories we explored early on was around The value of money. At what price is the price considered high or low? Who and what decides what the price should be and what is the actual price for different things?

My girls has gotten an allowance since they were old enough to reach the cashier at the store. It’s been a very small amount and we’ve given it to them weekly. A month is an eternity for small children and since their brains haven’t developed enough to judge consequences properly we thought a weekly amount would be best. Otherwise I think they’d spend all the money at once and then spend the rest of the month nagging us for when the next allowance was due.

In the beginning they could spend their allowance on whatever they wanted. We spent time in the store looking at the price tags and helping out with the math. “I want this!”, “Okey Sweetie, can you afford it?”. As they were growing older they started reflecting on how different the prices were and they started asking “Is this expensive or cheap?”. There were some interesting conversations about if they thought it was worth the price or not. Getting 5 pieces of chocolate versus the comic book with the puzzles and the toys… what to do what to do??..

We learnt that a price can be high for one person but low to another depending on how much you want it and how available the item is. If you can’t find that specific football card in any store close to home then it might be worth a higher price once you get to go to the store in the city.

Learning about supply and demand

Every summer there is a festival close to where we live. For a day the entire park, just meters from our apartment, is filled with people having a good time. There are live bands playing music and food tents selling fast food. Every year the festival draw street performers and small scale entrepreneurs looking to make some profit on the crowd that has gathered.

Booth sale

One year our daughters decided they wanted to try their luck and they asked for our help in setting up a small booth. They brought all the toys they considered themselves too old to play with anymore, small paper notes to write the prices on and on our suggestion a box to keep the money in. Apart from toys we also went to the store and bought a large bag of small individualized candy packs. The price for the entire bag was pretty expensive to our young entrepreneurs and they weren’t all that happy about lending the money to be able to buy it.

They soon realized that the small packs of candy was a gold mine. Kids drawn to the table, by all the toys, were off course immediately asking their parents if they could have some candy. The individual packs sold at a really good price since this was the only place in all the park that sold candy.

As the day progressed they got more and more into sales and shifted from standing timidly behind the table to targeting people walking by with questions and promoting the merchandise.

Replay the day and take reinforce the lessons

One of our most important jobs as parents, I believe, is to track our children’s progress and learning and make it visible and known to them. Realizing that you now know more or can do something you couldn’t before are building blocks for self-esteem and it nurtures the will to learn even more.

Knowledge has a way of sneaking up on you without heralding its presence. If you don’t keep track on your progress you might risk missing it altogether. I use a journal to keep track on my own progress and I revisit chapters from earlier months and years continuously to reflect on possible growth and development. One way to help our kids to recognize their new skills is to replay the day and talk through the things that has happened.

When our girls were done with their first entrepreneurial effort we helped them summarize and reflect. They paid us back the price for the initial investment and calculated their end results. They did a nice profit and we reflected on the day. How did they decide on the sell-price for different things? Was there any bargaining during the day? Was it easy to get customers? What was the actual profit? What made it possible to sell the candy at such a higher price than what they invested in the first place? How did it feel to sell? What was the total experience of the day?

Make a plan for your family’s skillset within the financial area

What areas within finances would you like to learn more of for yourself? Is it keeping a ledger, making a budget, exploring online marketing or even trading with stocks? What concepts could benefit your children? Take some time to reflect on what small experiments you could run together to start teaching them and yourself about one of the more potent sources of influence and independence.

See future posts for more ideas about teaching children about earning, keeping and making money grow.

BeBrave

My Primary Question – Is this the right thing to do?

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primary

What is 1 + 4?

What’s the color of grass?

How many legs does a spider have?

Your brain cannot NOT think about something. (Well… men’s brains seam to differ a bit.. heard of the “nothing-box”? 🙂 ) Given a stimuli of a question the brain can’t resist. If you ask yourself a question your mind will start going through everything it knows and has experienced to try to find an answer. When you read the questions above I bet your brain gave you the answers even before you were done reading.

According to Mr Tony Robbins there is one question above all others, he calls it your Primary question.

A Primary question is a question that you ask yourself daily and usually without being aware of it. It heavily impacts the results you’re getting in life and I’d say it is a core part of which personality traits you’ve acquired. Whenever you are faced with a choice or an experience you unconsciously weigh it against your primary question. Whatever the question the brain will start looking for an answer and that answer will govern how you decide to act.

If you think about it can you become aware of what your question might be right now?

“Is this the right thing to do?”

I was asked to reflect on what question I’d let rule my actions in life so far. At first I drew a complete blank which, as it turned out, wasn’t very strange. I had to revisit this idea during the following two days until it dawned on me. I’d spent an absurd amount of years dwelling on whether the choices before me would be considered correct or not. “Is this right?” was the shorthand version of “Is this what would be considered the most correct answer/choice?”

I want to pick these subjects in school => Are those right?

My boss thinks I should move towards this field of expertise => Will that be a correct choice?

That sport looks like fun, I think I’d like to try it.. => But is that right?

I’d spent years worrying about making the “right” choices. My instinctive response to any new situation or opportunity was to question if it was the most correct thing to do. It was the question that would protect me from the horror of being wrong. To me life was a choice between being right or being unhappy. Off course that Primary question sure as H**L couldn’t be considered “the RIGHT Primary question” – hence the difficulty in uncovering it *sigh*

I was blessed with a situation where I was prompted to consider the concept of a Primary question. I realized the amount of energy I’d spent worrying about what others might think of my choices. Knowing was in itself the beginning of change. I couldn’t go back and forget what I’d learnt. From that point I got more and more aware of the automatic question and its impact on my life.

You don’t have to believe it – try it for yourself

The theory of having a Primary question is, as far as I know, not really scientifically proven to be true. Maybe there are many different questions people ask themselves and not just one. Maybe it’s not before every choice or situation but only when faced with certain types that this weighing occurs. The theory is just a theory. It’s up to you to try it and see if it has impact in your life.

I usually try to understand the science of how things work before I commit to trying something new. In fact, I believe that desire to know and understand comes from having my primary question. Is this right? works well for me when I can find answers I feel sure of. When I do then I can move forward with confidence and speed. It’s when I can’t be sure of the answers that I get in trouble.

When I learnt of the theory of Primary questions, about 6 years ago, I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know the science about how hard wired our brains are to find answers. I hadn’t learnt about the subconscious at all. It was a leap of faith mixed with an “ah, what the heck do I have to lose?” kind of thing that let me try this theory out.

I can now judge from experience. Believing in the theory of having a Primary question, which guides my decisions, is beneficial for me. It helps me to stay mindful and to be aware of when I let my fear stop me.

“If you want to improve the quality of your life then improve the quality of your questions”

If you had a Primary question that had governed your decisions so far in life what could it be?

Here are some examples of Primary questions. When you read through them see if you can discern the kind of personality that each question would create. What kind of life is the person with this question living?

  • How will this situation go wrong in the end?
  • What is the risk I’m taking?
  • What would my parents think about this?
  • In what way are the people involved trying to benefit on my expense?
  • What will I learn through this experience?
  • How can I make it enjoyable and fun for me and everyone involved?
  • What will I be able to practice while doing this?
  • How can I contribute?

I bet you’ve been able to hone in on a Primary question by now. Is it one that has kept you living smaller than you’re capable of or is it an empowering one?

Are you happy with the Primary question you have or do you want to pick another one? Either way, you could try a new one for a week and see what happens in your life.

BeBrave

“How can I become even better for you?” – Improvement by questions

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improvement

The headline on this post could be interpreted in many different ways. As with most things people say it’s up to the meaning you give it to decide how you will feel about it. Is it a question of opening up for someone else to walk all over you with their demands and expectations? Does the question spark the image of someone too subservient for their own good?
Or could it, in fact, be the most genius and generous question you could ask to better your relationships?

Constant Never-ending Improvement – CNI

In my very first blog post I mentioned one of the life strategies I live by; “I apply the theory of CNI to my life and my personal development. CNI, a term used in the IT business where I come from, is short for Constant Never-ending Improvement.”

I believe humans can develop and improve all through our lives, that the only thing stopping us is if we stop trying. And in improvement lies more fulfillment and happiness – if you choose to improve in the areas that gives you that off course J I use a number of different methods to decide on what to improve next. The method depends on the area.

In the corporate world of hiring there are a number of tests and standardized evaluations that are supposed to indicate “who you really are”. These tests are considered valid in predicting how well you will perform and thus how valuable you will be to a company. One of the tests is called “The 360”.

The 360 consist of a questionnaire about you that is given to a number of people working close to you. A boss, employees and other co-workers. The results are anonymous, managed by the testing company, to encourage open and honest answers. The ones who gets the questionnaire are the ones that see your actions and their results. Those that won’t be fooled by your ambitious words or conquering plans.

The people, who interact with you on a daily basis, could be the most valuable sources of feedback.

We might THINK that we know

To be able to make the split second decisions that’s been essential for our species survival our amazing brain has developed a huge number of biases. They’re shortcuts for deciding on what’s dangerous, who can be trusted, my own ability and many other decisions.

One of these biases is that we tend to think that others see the world the same way as we do. So we often treat our loved ones in the same way we would like to be treated. “I really love it when he prepares breakfast for me – it makes me feel loved and taken cared of – that must mean that he’ll feel loved and taken cared for if I make him breakfast!” or “When I was little I used to love it when my mother combed and braided my hair – I will do that for my girls as well”.

There are stories of loving partners going through most of their life together performing small “acts of service” for each other that turns out wasn’t ever really important to that person. One tells of a couple that every morning shared a piece of bread. The wife loved the top of the bread so she gave that to her husband whenever she was preparing their meal. And the husband who would have preferred the bottom always gave that half to his wife.

The Golden Rule, according to the Bible, reads “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you: do ye even so to them”. I believe maybe we could add to that – tell people what you would like them to do for you and ask others what they would like you to do for them.

Teach your family, friends and business partners that you really want to know

It’s not an altogether simple process to ask for and receive feedback, least of all from your close family and friends. You want to glean the most impact possible from these potential rare gems of truth. To be able to achieve this it’s good to think it through. Do you have a habit of taking things personal?

If you start explaining or making excuses as to why the feedback you’re getting won’t work or is wrong in any way you will soon stop getting it. If you start feeling uncomfortable when receiving feedback you’ll also contribute to stem the flow since you leak what you feel.

There are two areas that could be mined for gold together with these close people.

  1. Their worldview on your part in your shared relationship. (Remember: They cannot be wrong in these answers since all they’re doing is describing their beliefs and their experiences so far.)
  2. Their perceived experience of you and of how you could feel even better and reach even more of your goals.

Some questions for each area

Some possible questions for the first area are

  • What could I do to make you feel even more loved?
  • What do I do that makes you feel loved today?
  • How could I change for you to love me even more?

Some possible questions for the second area are

  • How am I holding myself back?
  • If I changed one thing to become even more fulfilled in life what would it be?

Remember to be thankful for all the feedback you receive, treat them as valuable gifts given in trust and with love. Also remember that you’re not obliged to change in any way that you feel isn’t right for you. What you chose to DO with the feedback you get is always up to you.

BeBrave

Your relationship to money will impact the amount you have

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Money

How do you handle your money? There are few areas that trigger as many instinctive reactions in people as money does. Everyone has a relationship to it and everyone has been raised by people that have their view on it. Do you talk about money with your children? Do you talk about it with you spouse? How does this subject make you feel?

What kind of person gets rich and how does living in abundance look like?

If you close your eyes and picture a person who is financially wealthy – what do you see? Try it. Be honest. What characteristics defines this person? What must this person have done to acquire all that wealh and what must this person have sacrificed to reach this abundance?

Is your view on this person a positive or negative one? If we use a scale where 1 is completely positive and 10 is all negative where would you score the feeling you have?

Some people vision a corrupt, soulless person with greed and selfish desires as the only driving forces. Some vision a striving, hardworking person who never permit herself to rest or to have fun. Yet others see a person worthy of admiration but up on a cultural pedestal far out of reach.

So far in this post I’ve posed a lot of questions. The reason for that is that questions are the best way to access your subconscious from where all the programming for your actions stem from. You are operating based on your subconscious truths and beliefs. If you have any traces of a negative view on abundance and financial success it will trip you up.

You might, consciously, believe and say that you’re all for being rich and living in abundance. But if any of the answers to the questions above contained doubt, contempt, worry, jealousy or any resistance at all you know that you have some subconscious ideas that are not going to help you reach your goals.

Your relationship to money will impact the amount of it you have

Any negative feelings towards money and wealth will impact your relationship to it. Some try to explain this phenomenon as something esoteric or supernatural. They might complacently say something like “You have to talk to your money and tell it how much you love it so that it’ll come to you”. I think that would be a super way for me to feel stupid, I can’t seriously see myself talking to a coin..

I do, however, believe in the power of my subconscious and that the way I feel when I talk about money and finances is part of how much or little I have of it. It’s not like the money has an awareness that keeps it from me if I don’t “love it”. It’s because any negativity I harbor towards it, or people that have a lot of it, will steer my everyday actions that in turn will impact how I earn/save and spend money.

My sister sent me a link to a Youtube video of an adorable woman, Gill Fielding, talking about wealth. I particularly love her enthusiasm about money – “I really LOVE money!” she says at one point. The video is about wealth and the secrets of acquiring it and making it grow. It puts a smile on my face, I can recommend it 🙂

What can you do to change your view on money?

If you have thoughts and emotions that are negative towards money sometimes just knowing about them and consciously choosing other thoughts is all that’s needed. But most often we’ve been impacted by beliefs about money and wealth from the early stages of childhood. That means that our beliefs are thoroughly imbedded in our subconscious.

How do we best access those inmost hidden places? With questions and visualizations.

Close your eyes again and picture a person that is abundant, wealthy and living a life of financial freedom. Become determined to present this person as 100% good and to bestow admirable, virtuous and inspiring qualities to her.

Now ask yourself:

  • What thoughts and beliefs does she have to enable her to act the way she does that results in this abundance?
  • What skills have been essential for her to reach this level?
  • How can she now impact the world and do more good?
  • What will you do when you have all these resources at hand?

Were your answers totally free from negativity? If not, then commit again to a completely positive view and try the exercise again.

As with changing any belief, impacting the ones around money will take some conscious effort. However, any work in this area will not only help you in relations to finances it will also make you more aware of other limiting beliefs that are potentially holding you back.

BeBrave

You cannot hide what you think and feel – it radiates

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Radiate

You radiate what you think and feel – even if you aren’t aware of how you might think or feel in a certain moment and even if the people around you can’t set their finger on what exactly it is about you, which makes them feel a certain way, they will still be impacted.

Communicating with your body

Have you ever walked into a situation where people have been arguing but trying to hide it? You might not even have heard the fighting, and when you walked in there were no outward signs, but you could feel the tension between them? Their anger or sadness was still emanating strongly.

It’s said that about 7% of communication between humans come in the form of the actual words spoken. About 25-30% is transferred in the tone of voice and the rest, about 65% is made out of body language. Even if you don’t say anything, no words or tone of voice is heard, you are still sending very strong messages.

Your body is the vessel that holds your thoughts and your feelings. If you keep a negative thought it will impact your feelings and in turn your body. People around you will pick up on the messages you’re sending.

The message gets scrambled by in-congruence

If you don’t truly think and feel what you’re proclaiming you will create distance. It doesn’t matter how eagerly you’re trying to convince with your words. The person you’re talking to will hear your words but will get an uncomfortable feeling. They will feel confused and might even feel stupid for not being able to believe you. If you send one signal with your words and another with your body language the signal gets really scrambled.

Imagine your daughter coming home from school distraught because of a “failed exam”. You might say “don’t worry honey, that C is nothing to worry about”. If you inwardly think that your daughter really could do better, that she’s just too lazy or you worry that she’ll never make it, you’re probably not sending signals that will sooth her anxiety. There’s a risk that she’ll be leaving that conversation more confused and unsure than before she came to you. She might not understand why but she’ll feel resistance to open up to talk to you again.

When I talk to my children about issues that I’m unsure of, that I don’t know the answers to, I tend to slip into preaching mode. I hide my perceived flawed ignorance behind some cliches or generalizations and I usually immediately lose their interest. They pick up on my scrambled message and choose to tune out. But when I’m honest, admitting at first that I don’t know and that I’m unsure, they will usually hear me out when I give them my reasoning so far. Thankfully I’ve come to value our open and honest communication more than being right and a know it all.

A strong message will impact the outcome – negatively or positively

Today there’s scientific evidence, within the Quantum physics field, that proves that what we focus on and believe is actually emitted from our beings. I don’t understand the science behind it, yet :), but I’ve had plenty of real life experiences to back up my belief that I can impact the outcome of my life by thought alone.

Like the way I always seem to be able to predict how a potentially tricky situation at work will actually go wrong versus when it’ll work out just fine. It always depends on how I walk into that situation – looking for failure versus looking for success. Crouching and trying to hide my worry versus standing tall and confident in the faith that we’ll find a solid solution.

Or when I’m actually convinced that my daughter won’t be up for some suggestion I have for the weekend and no matter how I phrase it she’ll balk at the idea.

What if you could choose what you radiate?

So the theory is that what you think and feel, even on a subconscious level, radiates from you and is picked up by the people around you. What if you could become more aware of your thoughts and feelings? What if you deliberately could choose the signals you’re going to send?

So how can we understand what is going on in our subconscious when it’s actually in our subconscious? J This is where writing and drawing comes in handy!

Pick a situation where you have a challenge impacting someone towards something you believe to be a really good thing. Maybe that someone even is yourself? Maybe it’s one of your children.

Take out a piece of paper and draw a scale from 1 to 10. The 1 will represent your belief that the outcome will never happen. The 10 will be defined as your complete belief that it will absolutely come true.

Take a good look at the situation and desired outcome and then draw a line, starting at 1 and ending where you subconsciously feel like ending it. Maybe you stop at the middle, maybe closer to the 10 or maybe you just get started on the line and your pen just stops moving.

Look at the line you’ve drawn and ask yourself what the reasons are for not going all the way up to 10. Write down any concerns or considerations you have about how it might not work out. Now you have your list of reasons why you haven’t been able to influence the situation in the desired direction. You’ve been emitting these obstacles and your signal has been jammed.

Knowing is sometimes enough

Sometimes it’s curative just getting these things down on paper. Sometimes it takes a bit more conscious effort to change these beliefs and replacing them with empowering true ones. Either way, knowing about them will give you the opportunity to be honest and open when you communicate which in turn will lead to more honest and productive relationships.

BeBrave

Provide a safe space to throw up in

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Safe space

How can you help your child get through difficult emotions? Can you provide a safe space and build trust enough that they will be able to tell you about their difficulties? Would you consider it an honor to hold her hair while she throws up?

When your loved ones are hurting

Not long ago I had a moment with one of my girls that had my heart clenched and my mind racing. She was open, vulnerable and talking to me.

All things I’ve wished for.

I’ve always felt I’d much rather know what’s going on inside of her than be blindsided by something further down the line.

So here we were but I was failing her.

She was letting all of her anxiety about growing up spill out. She was crying. And all I could do was force myself to NOT wrap my arms around her and promise I’d make everything ok.

In my mind all I could think was “how can I make her pain go away!?”. I managed to keep myself from forcing my physical clinginess on her but my mouth wasn’t doing a very good job. I kept trying to tell her how she’s gotten “it wrong”, “that life isn’t so hard – you just have to focus on the positives..”.. bla bla blaah…

She argued back and I kept trying to “enlighten”.

She kept saying “Mom, you don’t understand!”.

Don’t fight what is happening

It wasn’t until she turned quiet, tears softly rolling down her cheek that I got it. I had a moment to stop and just watch her. I saw the sadness and the frustration. I remembered times when I’ve felt the same and how lonely it feels when no one just listens. I remembered a quote that’s been at the core of my conscious parenting albeit not part of my instinctive routine;

Before she even cares about how much you know, she must know, truly in her heart, how much you love.

I stayed quiet and still, stopped trying to negate her hurt. Just watching her cry for a moment. Catching my breath and reminding myself that emotions aren’t dangerous. Relaxing into the moment and letting my need for things to be different dissolve.

I told her the truth. That I also feel overwhelmed sometimes. That I can find myself crying for no apparent reason or worrying about both small and seemingly huge life decisions.

I told her I’m sort of grateful that she’s spending some time pondering these big questions. That, maybe when she finds some clues she can share them with me.

She stopped fighting back against me the second I stopped trying to fix her.

Instead we talked. Back and forth. I listened to her thoughts and didn’t argue. I told her about some of my own worries and she listened. We didn’t resolve or come up with plans for actually solving anything. We didn’t have to, it wasn’t necessary.

We understand more about each other now. I feel closer to her than before.

Provide the bucket and gently hold her hair

I think it was Jairek Robbins, who first mentioned the concept of holding the basket for a woman while she cleans up. That sometimes women need to vent, to let go of some of the things that’s been building during the day.

Listen

Imagine a woman walking strongly through her daily life and imagine the world as a field of wildflowers and vines. During her dance, pins and needles get caught in her dress and her hair. When the night comes she’ll want to sit down and clean away the debris that’s attached itself to her. If you want to help her re-center herself the best support is often to just sit by her and hold the basket for her. Keep her company and hold the basket that she can throw the thorns, twigs and needles into.

Let her talk about her day and how different situations have made her feel. As she gets to speak about it she can release it into the basket and be free and cleansed.

You don’t need to help her pick out the thorns. All you need to do is to listen.

You don’t have to fix anything and you actually shouldn’t even try to help DO anything (unless specifically asked to). You sitting there, keeping her company, is all that is needed.

There is another, more vivid, metaphor on the same subject. Imagine the same basic situation – a woman has gone through her day and a lot of situations has occurred that have left her feeling a vast array of emotions. Imagine that she’s feeling ill because of all these emotions and that throwing up would make her feel calm and centered again. If you want to help her, then just provide the bucket and gently hold her hair while she pukes.

As a parent sometime all you can do is listen and hold the basket

I like these metaphors because of how vivid they are – I remember them.. usually.. eventually… Sometimes all you can do as a parent is to hold the basket for your child to throw up in.

If your child says “you don’t understand!” it’s a sure sign that it’s time to step back. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to shove that puke back down her throat?

It can be so difficult to just listen. You want to help, to give another perspective and to pass on all your own hard won life lessons. But what she needs is to find her own answers, fight her own battles, to learn to trust in her own ability to clean up her needles and pins.

If you are lucky you are invited to hold the basket – if you’re blessed and have earned her trust you just might get the chance to hold her hair while she pukes.

BeBrave

Make room for the feelings you want to experience

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Feelings

Which feelings do you experience in an average week? Most people I ask about this need some time before they can give an answer. It’s not something they’ve paid much attention too. Emotions and feelings are something that happens to you; “I feel low today”, “I woke up feeling sad”, “What he said made me feel so angry”..

Emotions and feelings

I just finished reading High performance habits, and in it Brendon Burchard expertly gives a possible definition and difference between emotions and feelings;

”Think of an emotion as mostly a reaction, and feeling is an interpretation. The emotion of fear can come up but you don’t have to choose to feel frightened and run away. You can experience the sudden emotion of fear, but in the very next moment choose to feel centered. Whenever you “calm yourself down” you are choosing a different feeling than the emotion that may have come up for you.”

This was a new distinction to me and one that I think will help me. I already believed there is a difference between the instinctive reaction, an emotion, and the feelings I choose to live in for a longer period. Learning that I could control my feelings, some of the time, was such a revelation and feeling of freedom. But I’ve also believed that the emotions themselves can be controlled/altered by changing your mindset and every time a negative emotion comes up I feel it like a reminder that I haven’t mastered this yet… And then I’ve blamed myself and for hours lived with the feelings of shame, frustration and guilt.

Metaphor for life

I’m always on the lookout for new metaphors, visual or written, for the mysteries of a life well lived. We’re all different in how we best absorb information and so I try to cover all bases and get as many angles as possible on the important things. Metaphors, just like stories, have a tendency to enter our subconscious and we remember them better than just mere facts. Recently I came across a new way of visualizing the saying; “what you focus on is what you get” –  Imagine your internal mind as a cup. In this cup you pour your feelings.  The feelings in it, at any given time, will determine – yeah, how you feel.

I bet you’ve encountered the self-help theories like the daily affirmations and gratitude practices? These theories are everywhere and have been for some time now. The reason they won’t go out of style is because they’re working.

Someone who consciously focus on things to be thankful for fills her/his cup with a dose of gratitude. If you think about how you helped your child with their homework yesterday, although you at first felt too tired to do it, you might notice that warm feeling of pride and satisfaction dripping into the cup. When you notice the sound of pure laughter from your daughters’ room your cup gets flooded with love and joy.

All feelings can’t be in the cup at the same time

You can feel many different feelings but they don’t fit in your cup all at the same time. You can find yourself unsuccessfully grappling for that true sense of gratitude or joy. Sometimes that is because your cup is already full with other feelings.

Your cup might be full with:

  • 26% guilt because of that chocolate cake you ate last night
  • 42% worry about your kids not seeming to have any friends at school
  • 12% stress over difficult assignments at work
  • 20% fear for how the future paychecks are going to come in

When you find your cup is filled with feelings you don’t like it’s time to drain in! A coach or therapist could be a great partner when you want to empty a cup brimming with negative feelings. If you think you want to do some cleaning on your own then I’d recommend a practice of mindfulness. Letting yourself be still so you can feel your feelings and just name them will help a long way. Contrary to the fairy tale truth where if you name a fiend it will appear I’ve learnt that naming a negative feeling will make the feeling weaker.

Fill your cup purposefully

In the same way it might be hard to connect to joy, when the cup is full with disempowering feelings, it’s equally difficult to find sadness or anger when your cup is already full with gratitude, curiosity or any other more empowering feelings.

This is what all the hype is about regarding choosing feelings “deliberately”, affirmations and journaling on things you’re grateful for.

The more you practice the feelings you want to experience the more easily they will fill your cup. It’s like the bottles of joy, love, focus and the others are placed furthest out in the cupboard. The other feelings get pushed far in to the back. Practicing means thinking about how these feelings feel and on different situations when you’ve felt them in the past.

Get a journal and in it write things you’re happy, grateful and amazed for. Write down situations where you showed up in a way that made you proud of yourself. Where you showed focus and grit. Maybe a situation when you felt truly loved or appreciated.

Do it often. If you can then do it every day. It doesn’t have to take long, just 5-10 minutes and you don’t have to think of something “new” every time, just write down what comes to mind.

If you do this you will have your empowering feelings close at hand and you will already have filled your cup leaving less room for negativity to enter your life.

Changing emotions

So feelings we can choose and I still believe that even emotions, the ones that come more on instinct, also can be changed. With enough time and conscious practice I think I’ll be able to change the underlying meaning I’ve anchored to a situation. In the meantime I’m going to focus on filling my cup on purpose and let myself be the work in progress I actually believe we all are 🙂

As always..

BeBrave

Igniting intrinsic motivation for learning

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Igniting

Humans can perform the most amazing feats. Build constructions that rival mountains, send people to the moon and create a way to connect people all over the world in an instant. Individuals have made gravity seam optional, composed music and created art that can move you beyond words and worked their gifts into levels of mastery. What is it that makes one human dedicate her life to mastering the world and another to fade quietly into history?

Spark the light of intrinsic motivation

I believe the motivation must come from the inside for someone to be able to reach mastery in any endeavor. I believe the foundations for intrinsic motivation is a growth mindset combined with the ability to break goals down into specific skills needed to achieve those goals.

So how do you motivate a child into intrinsic motivation? The idea sounds a contradiction in terms, right? There is off course many ways, one is to live these concepts yourself. How often do you define a new skill set or a knowledge gap you need to close and actively go after acquiring them?

Treasure chest

Another way is to tell a story. Stories have a way of seeping into your subconscious without you even noticing it and children are especially susceptible to it.

Maybe you could sit down with your child and tell her/him the story of the treasure chest that you can find on MotherOfLions webpage. It’s written to spark imagination as well as inspire a drive for learning.

Your children want to please you

Humans have an inherent will to please those that are part of their tribe, family. It’s been a good strategy for survival to keep those around you happy with your presence. Children are especially susceptible to the opinion of their parents who they spend so much of their defining years closest to. So, kids are inclined to go to great length to please their parents.

That means that you can actually influence them very far when it comes to achieving goals. The possibility to earn your praise can give them enormous motivation. I bet you’ve seen people work their butts off trying to please this or that parent. High achievers that credit their parents’ tough love approach for giving the motivation needed for those long hours of hard work.

But I believe that nothing beats the kind of motivation that comes from the inside. The kind that is personal but based on a positive and pleasurable need and desire. When you really want something, for your own sake, you get an additional pull that will get you through even the toughest or most boring challenges that comes with going after important goals.

Progress is a key to motivation

Knowing that you’re “on your way towards something you want”, that you’re making progress, will often give you a really good feeling. You might have just started learning a new skill, still be at a true beginner level. You might even know how many grueling hours of practice you have in front of you now that you’ve gotten started and realized all the nuances needed. But having started and being aware of making progress gives you energy and power to continue.

Can you help your child define what skills she/he needs to learn to be able to do something she/he really wants to do? What does your child enjoy doing? Maybe drawing, writing, hanging out with friends, riding the bike, singing, skiing? Whatever it is, skills are a huge part of enjoying it fully. Mastery brings joy and confidence and also creates passion.

When you’ve identified a skill it’s time to break it down into learnable/practice’able pieces. There are elements to everything. My father has taught my daughters how to ice skate. He is a skilled skater himself but also a very good teacher. He is consciously aware of his knowledge and can translate it into itty bitty pieces of skills that are learnable. Getting the skates on, learning to stand up, learning to fall without hurting yourself to much, bending the knees, turning the feet just right when taking off… the list of details goes on and on.

Life is a game and it’s time to level up

If you can teach them the value of acquiring skills and help them break their personal dreams down into bite sized pieces they are well on their way to develop intrinsic motivation. Start with something relatively easy so they quickly realize it’s true that they have the ability to gain skills that are useful. Once you understand that everything you want is on the other side of figuring out what skills you need and going out to get it, life becomes a fun game 😊

Remember to role model this behavior for them as often as possible. If you haven’t learnt anything new lately maybe it’s time to rediscover the joy of challenging your body and brain. It’s scary sometimes but oh so worth it!

BeBrave

Forgiving – It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills

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Venom

Life happens

I believe that we can’t completely protect ourselves from hurt. Life happens. Big things happen that are out of our control, people we love get sick, accidents occur, death and taxes – life happens. Apart from those big ones there are innumerable occasions where we’re in contact with other people and risk being hurt. Communication is tricky and misunderstandings are inevitable. So how can you approach this capricious dance called life?

One key could be to consider the old saying “It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills”. What does that really mean? To me it means that if I hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise, it’s not the actual incident that is the biggest concern for our relationship. It’s the period after the incident and how you and that person deals with the aftermath of it that’s the real challenge. If the incident isn’t managed well the person that got hurt will have a mental venom coursing through their head which will slowly erode your relationship.

The same goes for a situation where I’m the one that’s been hurt. The bite itself won’t continue to hurt me, the incident is over, it’s the thoughts and feelings relived afterwards that will continue to cause me pain if I let it.

Managing to extract the venom after there’s been a bite requires effort – it’s called forgiving.

Apologizing is a first step

Apologizing is sometimes really difficult. You didn’t mean to cause hurt and it can feel unfair to have to apologize just because someone misunderstood your intention. It’s important to learn the skill of apologizing as a first step towards forgiveness.

Forgiving has a complex role in a life well lived. Really letting go of hurt is important. Sometimes you are the one that can deliver that gift to someone else and sometimes you have to give that gift to yourself.

Forgiving someone that hurt you

When something has happened that have left you feeling hurt you have that venom coursing through you. Even if you fully accept that what you need to do, to feel better, is to forgive it’s sometimes not all that easy to do. Even when the one that hurt you is sincerely apologizing it might still feel painful and sad inside. This is a tricky situation that requires some internal digging and honesty on your part.

First be honest with yourself about what you need to be able to forgive completely. And really be honest with yourself. No one stands to gain from you pretending to forgive or saying that you do when you still harbor sadness or resentment. You need to understand yourself before you can articulate to someone else what you need.

When you know what you need and feel secure in the reasonability of these desires the next step is to figure out how to communicate them to the people involved. How can you convey your needs in a way that leaves the person apologizing willing to comply? Apologizing is vulnerable in the first place, being rejected and asked to “do more” can drive people away. You want to be a person that it’s easy to apologize to but not someone that is left with the pain of faking forgiveness. It’s a balancing act that requires honesty and true communication.

Forgiving without an apology

Sometimes things happen and there is no one around to give an apology in the first place. There are people that aren’t capable of accepting responsibility for causing hurt enough to apologize. Sometimes the person that hurt you isn’t even alive any more. If you have pain in your life because of something someone did to you then you are still a victim to what happened.

The venom is still in you. Even though the bite maybe happened a long time ago. Can you extract that venom by yourself? Clean your blood and release your body and soul of pain?

I believe that forgiving is a choice and a skill we can learn and that it’s one of the most important gifts we can give to ourselves.

Letting go of guilt when forgiveness is withheld from you

One of the most difficult situations, when it comes to forgiveness, is when someone you’ve hurt can’t get over the pain you caused. When the gift of forgiveness isn’t given to you even when you vulnerably ask for it.

Some people can’t accept an apology without enough time for their feelings to cool off. It’s hard to live with having hurt someone that you love that needs time for the anger/resentment to dissipate. To leave them alone when all you want to do is heal that broken connection.

Worst of all are those situations where someone can’t accept your apology no matter how long time it takes or how you try to fix things. In these circumstances you eventually will need to do something that sounds easy but can be extremely difficult; You have to let it go, you must find a way to forgive yourself and move on.

Do you have venom searing through your body and soul?

If you have unresolved situations in your life, things have happened that you cannot forgive, you are most certainly in a negative energy spiral. Would it be valuable to you to free up some of that energy?

Take out that pen and paper and write down the answers to the following questions:Notebook

  1. Think of a situation you keep coming back to in your mind where someone did something to you that you can’t get over. Describe the situation.
  2. Now think about this situation as if you were in the other person’s body and mind. How was she/he feeling, what was the intention? If you had to list three mitigating circumstances for the behavior what would they be?
  3. How would your life be different if you could truly let go of the hurt of that situation?
  4. What are two things you could do that would help you move on?

Sometimes there is resistance when trying to do this exercise, if you run into a mental block then take a deep breath and try to change focus. Try answering as if the answers are really easy or really basic – write whatever comes to mind – writing something, anything, will move you forward.

BeBrave

The art of dreaming BIG, promising LITTLE and taking small steps

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start small

Taking small steps has not been part of my go to solutions for progress. Taking massive action á la no pain no gain has been more my tune. But like the snowball that starts small and grows into an unstoppable force I’ve started to suspect that there is truth, for me, in starting slowly and building my confidence.

“You should dream BIG!”

Yes. You really should dream big. Dreaming and visualizing a future that inspires you and those around you is essential for knowing where  to go. And you should talk about it. Talking and writing your dreams creates a special kind of magnetism that will pull you in.

When you talk to others about your dreams you also tap into a human drive; Social pressure. The human brain wants you to stay consistent with what you say so telling people about your plans will create healthy pressure.

There are two possible traps to be aware of when dreaming BIG.

The first is the risk of fooling your brain out of taking actual action. Since the brain doesn’t know the difference between that you think and what you’re actually experiencing it might get the idea that you’re already making progress. It will reward you with the chemicals of progress and you might very well settle in that happy feeling and “forget” to do what is needed.

The other possible risk of dreaming BIG, and telling people about it, is the risk of failing on your big promises. Look into the post about truth and keeping promises to get more background;

”The essential thing to understand is that when you talk to others, or think something to yourself, your subconscious is listening. If you say something and then don’t act accordingly your subconscious will get confused; “We said something but we didn’t take action on it. We better protect ourselves from feeling stupid/confused or like we failed. Let’s make that thing we talked about into something “not important”. We would never NOT do something that’s important so let’s make sure we don’t waste time on that unimportant thing! Ever!””

Dream BIG and promise LITTLE

Continue to dream BIG and talk about the dreams but maybe without a deadline? Promise LITTLE to yourself and even less to others. In fact – if you’re just starting to build credibility with yourself then start extremely small.

If you want to cut back on sugar for health reasons then don’t start with promising yourself to never eat it again. Start with maybe drinking one less soda per day?

If you want to start spending more quality time with your children don’t set the bar at spending two hours of deep and meaningful conversation seven nights a week. One; your kids will hate it 😉 Two; Maybe promise yourself that one night a week I’m going to set a reminder on my phone and when it rings I will go into my daughters room, sit down and say “I just wanted to be near you for a little while – is it ok if I sit here a couple of minutes?”.

Maybe you want to start exercising. Promise yourself to go on one 20 minute-walk this coming week instead of jumping into a stressful new routine that you’re not ready for neither mentally nor physically.

Building trust is the most important step

Making such small commitments might seem totally useless and idiotic. “How will taking one 20 minute walk bring me closer to my goals??” Believe me I know that doubt very well. I know the frustration that can kick you into action as well as the eagerness when you think you might be onto some new solution. I can get myself all A-type worked up and keep going HARD towards my BIG goals for a reasonably long time. But the BIG promises and vision always fails me when they are my main focus. I lose my initial momentum at some point and immediately my self-doubt kicks in and tells me “I’m no good” and that “see you’re not going to make it – again!”.

The trick is to build your trust in yourself in a pace that’s sustainable so that you don’t give that inner critic/fear ammunition when you’re weak. If you start small and keep hitting your goals then you will start to feel proud and slowly you’ll start trusting that when you say you’re going to do something then you do it.

Power of rewarding chemicals

Apart from building trust with yourself there is another theory that makes small steps so powerful. It has to do with chemicals. The brain loves “doing the right thing” – every time you do something you truly believe is good you give your brain the go-signal to release the hormone cascade that feels so good. You flood the system with dopamine and you think “wow, this feels good!”. You have that feeling of pride and happiness – you’re rewarded. This all happens subconsciously but that doesn’t stop it from impacting you both in the moment and in the future.

You will be automatically drawn towards the things that brought you pleasure. And it doesn’t matter how BIG or small the actions is. The only thing that matters is that you believe/decide that it is important. So though it might sound silly at first it’s all really just a smart management of your body’s normal functionality. How do you make a small step feel important if it doesn’t? Well, this is where complete trust in the aforementioned theory comes in handy. Do your own research if you’re not willing to take my word for it, which might be a healthy mindset since I’m no doctor with a degree 😉

When you look for the truth behind your reward system you’ll find all the evidence you need to start believing that steps, no matter how small, are the starting point for action and you’ll be on your way 😀

Triggers and momentum

Yet another way for optimizing how the human brain works is to use the power of triggers and routines. There is power in connecting one action to another. E.g. take your medicine when you’ve brushed your teeth or repack your gym bag immediately after hanging the wet ones up to dry when you come home. If you connect actions to each other and then focus on getting the small first action done then chances are that you’ll continue with the next actions as well.

Making small steps part of your life

Would you like to try using the power of small steps? What if it actually works? What if, at the end of this experiment, you have a bit more trust in yourself and you’ve started a few new habits?

For this exercise I will assume that you know an area or two that you want to change. Even if you’re maybe not completely crystal clear on what you want as the end goal I’m sure that there are some general directions you’d like to go in.

  1. For one or two areas, that you want to change/improve, pick one small action that you can take on a weekly basis. The actions should take no more than 15 minutes to do, ideally 5-10 minutes, and it should be something that leads in the direction you want to go.
  2. Make this a serious effort and research if you must to ensure that you truly believe that small steps give these valuable results.
  3. Make a plan! Take out your calendar and phone and schedule/set alarms for performing these small steps for the coming 6 weeks. You will have 6-12 (depending on if you picked one or two areas) dates and times for actions that should take no more than 5-15 minutes each.
  4. Notice if it’s working. Set another alarm for each of the days you’ve scheduled. Set it to the evening and when it goes off just take a quick note of how you’re doing and what the effects of doing your actions, small as they are, are on your mood.

Note; In my experience setting a small-step-goal to something that I can do in the morning has had the best effect. When I win the morning I tend to want to keep taking home other small victories throughout the day.

BeBrave

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