Skillset Children

To responsibly let yourself fall – vulnerability

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Vulnerability

How can we continue to grow as parents? When growing means fear and not just not having everything under control but actually not having any answers whatsoever. How can we combine the role of teacher with the role of a human as a continuing work in progress? How can we manage our own personal development alongside that of our children’s?

There was a moment in my personal development journey where I realized that I am responsible for my emotions. Realized is not really the word. It HIT me! With force enough to like an earthquake forever change my mental landscape. The realization was huge and at first it felt incredibly liberating. All of a sudden I was in control. No one could make me feel anything I didn’t want to. I practiced and got better and better at choosing my actions, to exist in the space between what was happening in my world and my reaction to it. It felt empowering.

If you could decide how to feel – what would you choose?

I wanted to share this epiphany. I thought everyone would love it as much as I did. How could anyone not want to be immune to whatever life throws at you? To be strong enough to stay centered no matter what? It turned out this concept comes with an inevitable accompaniment; a huge dose of personal responsibility.

If you want to believe in the power to completely choose your reactions you have to accept responsibility for every thought and every interpretation that you actually make.

Not everyone wanted this responsibility. It seemed much easier to blame someone or something else for your negative emotions. It was much easier to stick to an old mindset than to look at the risk of having been wrong up to this point.

I had found a truth and I was thrilled about it

For myself I accepted this responsibility with fervor. I felt the truth and the actual benefits from this concept and I worked hard to question habits and beliefs that were not serving me. I left no subject within me unchallenged. I was proud of my growth and of my ability to question old thought patterns. Staying open to change was something I knew I needed to do and so I practiced my growth mindset by being relentless in the pursuit of negative emotions.

I used, and still use, strong negative feelings as clues to finding thought patterns that are disempowering and that needs to be challenged. Weeds that needs to be removed. One of the most effective signs you can investigate, to untangle your energy flow, is to follow the feelings of anger or even better of shame.

I sometimes wondered if it was my fixed mindset that kept me working so hard on challenging myself. Had I found a new concept that was more correct in the eyes of the world and therefore something I needed to ace? No, I decided that I had this one under control. I was pursuing this for the right reasons.

My fixed mindset got me again

It turns out my fear and my fixed mindset got me in another way. With the idea that I can choose how I respond to whatever life throws at me comes the inevitable question of actually succeeding at doing just that. I was getting better and better at managing my reactions and my focus. I practiced at work, with my girls (plenty of opportunities) and with friends and relatives.

When a colleague commented about my work I focused on the feedback and tried to be thankful for the nuggets of gold that could help me up my delivery. When my daughter dropped a glass container with pasta on the floor I managed to see it as an opportunity to teach her how the vacuum cleaner works.. When the shoelace to one of my sneakers broke as I was rushing to leave I just put “new shoelaces” on the shopping list, choose another pair of shoes and ran.

I was becoming decidedly good at staying centered even when life turned a little stormy.

You know how they say that complacency is the threat to all progress?

The second I let myself think that I was getting pretty deft at controlling my emotions was when I got into trouble. My fixed mindset roared awake, stormed in and demanded: “Getting good?? What?? Are you insane? Are you bragging? Do you know the risk of bragging? What if you FAIL? You can’t go around saying things and then failing! Now you better shape up and deliver – every time! Don’t you dare make us look stupid!”

Failing at managing my feelings about failing

So the pressure was on. You’d think this would be something negative in my life but it really wasn’t, for the most part. I pushed myself to succeed and that pushing kept me in learning mode. I dug deep and cleared a lot of emotional weeds from my garden.

But there was this one pattern that kept messing me up. The situations where I wasn’t staying true to my goals and the promises I made to myself. Apart from just not committing and staying true to my word I fell the hardest when I couldn’t manage my feelings about that. Let me clarify;

I was getting upset with myself for getting upset about not following through on things that I’d declared to be important.

Instead of focusing my energy on recommitting to my goals and getting back on the wagon I sat by the roadside and cried about having fallen of in the first place. Then I continued by kicking myself for sitting there crying and THEN continued crying about kicking myself when I was down..

Yeah. Effective. Right.

Risk of oversharing?

Hiding or ignoring or kicking myself over my negative emotions was not working for me. I kept pushing the feelings down which started to hurt me physically. I needed changes. I realized that I needed to get back on track with the commitments I make to myself – step up and be the person that says what she means and does what she says. I knew that I also needed to challenge the disempowering beliefs I had about experiencing negative emotions in the first place.

The thing that kept me from moving forward in this area was a belief about the alternative. I was convinced that the only alternative to “hiding my failure” was to let everything out. I don’t know if this is your experience also but whenever I have to let go of an old belief it feels sort of like I’m freefalling and I’m terrified of what will happen when I hit the ground.

Pendulum

I’ve come to understand that I’m not usually just freefalling though. There is something holding me, something that saves me from hurting myself too much. What normally happens is that I swing back and forth between extremes before eventually coming to land in my center.

 

I thought that the opposite of keeping things in was letting everything out.

The concept of spilling all my doubts, all my fears and let my feelings run wild was not a very comfortable one. Especially in front of my children. I just couldn’t see how it would be fair and right to put that on them. I still don’t. And I haven’t.

Finding my middle without swinging too far

It probably takes me longer to find my middle, my truth, because I refuse to share my challenges/fears with my daughters right from when I realize they exist. However my instinct tells me that my role as their safe haven, their captain, means that some things should not be shared with them. They are not old enough to be let in on my worst doubts and fears. They are children and although they need to learn about managing their own emotions and about accepting the learning process of trying-failing-trying again they still need to do so in a safe environment.

However the strategy of denying having true fears and doubts is not something I want to teach them. I want to show them what it looks like to ask for help. To not succeed but try again. To fall and get back up.

How can I ask them for help in a real and honest way? The kind of ask where they will feel the authentic need and value. How can I show them areas where I fall without the risk of activating their fear about not having a captain in control of the ship?

Vulnerability

My hunt for answers leads me towards vulnerability, acceptance and self-love.

Vulnerability is about loving someone for being where and who they are. Including myself. We’re all a work in progess. When I accept being in the process of learning, I can love myself even when I’m not yet where I want to be. I can feel compassion for myself when sadness, anger, fear or loneliness overwhelms me.

When I let myself feel these emotions, let them wash through me instead of fighting them and having them crash into me leaving me bruised and exhausted, I maintain my center, my core. When I let myself feel the sadness and don’t fight it I can stay in the moment and see it for what it is.

I’ve come across many sources of inspiration for this ever continuing journey towards self-love. There are people out there that can describe the process of vulnerability so exquisitely. I really recommend looking into their worlds. Let yourself be effected and changed.

Elizabeth Gilbert – Book: Big Magic
Brené Brown – Books: Daring greatly and Braving the Wilderness
Glennon Doyle – http://momastery.com

The power of sharing responsibly and living in vulnerability

I’m still learning to swing comfortably, making distinctions that provoke that pendulum to move again and again. I still have a hard time leaning into my fear and sharing things with my daughters and others that I haven’t figured out just yet. I’m learning.

There are a number of areas where life still kicks my butt now and again. Some issues I can manage with the help of adult companions. Some I understand that I need to do the work on myself. But there are some that I can count on my shipmates, my girls, to help me manage. When I responsibly ask them for help they always rise to the occasion with fierce love and loyalty. It really amazes me and warms my heart every time.

What would be something your children could do that would be a Real help?

  • Could they keep you company on your evening jog or walk? Maybe on their bikes?
  • Could they keep a vigilant eye on your grocery bag and your cupboards so no sugary things gets into the house?
  • Could they wrestle you down on the couch for a short massage when you come home so you get some love before continuing on with the evening?
  • Could they plan and prepare dinner one night of the week?
  • Could the big one take responsibility and babysit the other/-s once in a while?

What if there are things that your family could do for you that would be a win-win-win? Something that would genuinely help you, be beneficial to them in terms of learning how to ask for and to give help AND something that will strengthen your connection and feeling of belonging in your family?

BeBrave

Going to the dentist – Change a negative memory

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Dentist memory

Apart from working as a traffic warden, writing tickets for wrongly parked cars, can there be an occupation less appreciated than working as a dentist? My annual check-up is something I dread and although I feel an enormous dose of happiness the times I’m given the green light for another year I still really don’t like going there. Part of it is my dislike of needles and part of it is well.. it hurts!

I really try to check myself and how I live my life and what I transfer to my girls. They do as I do and not as I say so I know how important it is for me to live congruently. But when it comes to dental care it’s just not something I’ve managed very well myself yet. I have a hard time controlling my discomfort in this context. I didn’t want to convey that feeling to Linnea and Emelie and I’ve always been very aware about how and what I communicate about this.

Supporting my youngest when she needed me

When one of my girls got the verdict that there was a cavity that needed fixing she asked her mommy to go with her. Before the actual day we had talked about it. Her sister had informed her about the procedure and explained that “first there will be a paste that tastes bad and then there will be a needle”. My daughter was completely convinced that the bad tasting paste would be the worst thing coming up.

I knew she needed my emotional support and I had promised myself to be calm for her.

When it was our turn the dentist was in a hurry and not really paying attention to the fact that the patient was a little girl who was scared. Emelie was told to sit in the chair and without warning they adjusted it which startled her. Just as expected the paste, that anaesthetize the gums, really didn’t taste well and this upset my darling girl. During the wait for the anesthesia to kick in the nurse and dentist did a quick dental check, they talked their dentist talk and pushed and prodded her teeth.

When the time came for the needle she was really scared and lay there completely stiff. The dentist finally noticed and slowed down a bit. This is where the biggest mistake was made. The dentist made the assumption that Emelie was scared of the needle and settled for giving half the dose.

An unfamiliar situation turning bad

I believe the hurry partly came from not wanting to drag out the experience for Emelie but mostly I felt they were stressed. I was getting increasingly distressed about the lack of “bedside manners” (is that the term?). When the dentist started drilling and Emelie signed that it hurt, they just said “just a little more” and pushed through. And I didn’t stop them. I found myself saying “it’s over soon. You’re doing good!” Trying to support her. When they were done with the drilling and put the drill away Emelie thought they were done and tried to sit up. The dentist pushed her down and said “No, what are you doing! We’re not done!” There was still the filling to be done.

When everything was finally done and we were ushered out of the dentist office Emelie broke down completely. She began telling me how scared she’d been and she relived the situation right there in front of me as she was putting words to it. Her experience was one of being completely out of control, in pain and not understanding what was happening.
I was caught off guard and I just didn’t know what to say other than hugging her and listening to her, mirroring back her words to let her know I listened to her. My mind reeling with blame towards myself; I didn’t stand my ground. I wasn’t there for her. Dammit! I wanted desperately to help her put an empowering meaning on this situation but I was failing miserably.

Anchoring memories

There are some experiences that seem to get an instant obvious place in your mind and memories. Memories, just like thought patterns and skills, can anchor in your brain using repetition. Enough times practicing a dance move and your brain will adjust the wiring to support that move. Memories will stick in your head if you repeat them often. When you share them with others or when you relive them in your head. Every time that memory will get a little stronger.

Sometimes a memory doesn’t need any repetition at all to stick to your brain like glue. “Connect a memory to a strong feeling and it will burn in your mind forever”. Strong feelings, both positive and negative, anchor memories immediately. This is why you remember the song you danced to when you fell in love and the birth of your children so well. It is also why you can develop a phobia from just one bad experience.

Changing your memories

A phobia is a thought pattern that has been stored in your mind, connected to a meaning and to strong negative feelings. Just like normal memories are moldable so can phobias also be changed by deliberate effort. This is what cognitive therapy is about.

I needed to help Emelie change the meaning and clear out the negative feelings she associated to the dentist visit. We talked about what had happened. I had made a mistake in not ensuring that we had all the time we needed. It was my job to make sure that she could ask all questions she wanted. We talked about the mistake with the anesthesia and that if we make sure that we get the entire dose then the drilling won’t hurt the next time. I also encouraged her to refuse to let any doctor or dentist, or anyone, do anything to her in the future that she didn’t understand and approve. I promised her that I would 100% stand up for her.

We needed to reframe her experience

I called the dentist office and nagged them into letting us go on a new checkup very soon after the incident. I told them what had happened and I asked that we get an appointment with someone who had experience with children and that could show us how everything works. This visit went really well.  We’re also booked to go back again within 6 months instead of waiting a full year like we’re supposed to. We want to go often to build confidence and security in this setting.

She now knows that she’s got the right to decide what happens to her. She understands that because that dentist was so stressed and so misunderstood what was going on she learnt the value of standing her ground and trusting her own feelings. We’ve talked about how right she was to feel the way she did and how I will always support her when she expresses her needs and limits. We’ve practiced, in our conversations, how that experience should have been. We’ve done it enough times so that she now feels empowered when she thinks about it.

Actionable

We can’t change what has happened to us but we can change how the memory impacts us. Do you, or your child, have a memory that keeps coming back bringing with it a negative feeling?

There are many ways to alter the effects of a memory and the theories for changing a memory are  simple but not always easy. Depending on the level of trauma that was part of the experience you might need to seek support in the process.

This exercise is very effective but doesn’t require you to go back to relive the memory. The idea is to reframe the experience to give it another meaning which in turn will impact the feeling it gives you.

  1. Bring out pen and paper and begin by writing a short caption of the event. Write what happened and how you feel about it. What is your truth about what happened? Add a headline to the memory as you currently remember it.
    My headline was “I wasn’t there for my daughter when she needed me”
    Emelies headline was “Dentists don’t listen and going to have my teeth taken care of hurts”
  2. Take another piece of paper and describe the same event again. This time write it in a third person perspective like you’re telling a story about unknown characters. E.g. “A woman accompanied her 8 year old daughter to the dentist to fix a cavity… “
    This will help you distance from the feeling of it and let you see the situation clearly.Reframe
  3. Now comes the time to be creative. Look at the situation and ask yourself the following questions;
    • What else could this mean?
    • What have I learnt from going through this?
    • How am I better prepared for the future because I experienced what I did
  4. Lastly. Write a new description of what happened and use the empowering words and meaning you’ve discovered. Set a new headline to the incident. Ours was; “The day Emelie learnt to trust her own feelings and stand her ground”.

If the feelings that come with the memory are shame or blame, which makes it even harder to distance yourself from, it might help further to imagine the situation but with someone you love. Picture the same event but replace yourself with someone you feel protective of and a warm love towards. When it’s time to ask yourself what else the situation could mean imagine what you would say to that person to help reframe the experience.

BeBrave