Priority

Having a baby changes everything. No matter what your highest priority was before, now you’re wired to care for this helpless being. You’re instantly alert from the tiniest of sounds, you’re planning your schedule around nap times and even when you’re so tired you can hardly stay awake you find some hidden power to push through.

I remember a paragraph from a fantasy novel I read when I was in my late teens. I can’t recall the title of the book but this one section really made an impact on me. A young woman, pregnant with an unwanted baby, was forced to give birth trapped in a vile storm. She was found in the middle of labor, in the woods, by an elderly kind medicine man. He helped her through the birth of her baby and then they made their way home to his cabin. When they got inside the woman was exhausted and cold and started to dry her clothes while completely ignoring the baby’s cries. The child was the result of a rape and the woman wanted nothing to do with it. The otherwise gentle man got furious and lectured that her priority from now on was to “nurture that child, before egoistically focusing on your own needs. This child is innocent and never asked to be born.”

This scene has stayed with me. I remember thinking, back then, how awful I feel when I’m cold and wondering if I could really shift into nurture mode like that.

Nurturing and putting them first came natural

A generous dose of oxytocin and other internally created chemicals helped me power through the marathon of nurturing my toddlers. The love and sense of protection I felt, and still feel, towards them is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I will do more for them than I do for anyone or anything else. The possibility of surprising them or to make them smile will make me plan and conspire for days.

Whenever I got tired and they’d call for me I’d muster my energy and tell myself what a wonderful gift it is that they want my attention. What a precious time we have together, that in a short number of years they will be out of my influence and reach. Soon the times around the breakfast table will be over. The long dinners with conversations ranging from one area to the next will be a once in a while occasion.

As their parents we’ve been the center of their universe. Soon we will have to share them with the world. I’ve gotten so much significance from being their mother. A place in this world, a purpose and an accomplishment like nothing else. It’s been such an ego boost.

Putting the well-being of my children first has been a no-brainer. As babies, humans are completely defenseless and dependent on other humans to survive. I don’t think anyone would dispute that as parents, to young children, you will have to put your own needs second for a while.

Combine the chemical rush of oxytocin, the significance boost of parenthood with the cultural acceptance and encouragement of prioritizing your children over yourself. The picture that emerge gives a background as to why parents sometimes loose themselves in this new role.

A case for making yourself your highest priority

So does that mean that you should always put your children first? What about the desires you have as a woman or a man? What about your personal goals? How does self-actualization combine with parenthood?

Lisa Nichols makes a case for focusing on yourself and getting so strong that you can take yourself to where you want to go. To first prioritize yourself so that you can help your family and friends from a position of strength. Denzel Washington, in a graduation speech, urges the students to dare to set goals. He says “Focus on your goals and when you reach them reach back and help someone else – each one, teach one!”

The famous metaphor from the safety instruction on air planes also urges you to focus first on yourself and then help children and other people around you. If you don’t get enough oxygen you will soon be of no use to anyone.

If you put your life on hold and give complete priority to your children, would you be happy? Who will you be when they eventually move out? How will they be able to leave and live their own lives if they worry about how you will manage without them?

Ask yourself if the example you’re setting is the one you wish to. When your child has children of her own, do you want her to feel the way you do about being a parent?

Setting a priority doesn’t mean you can’t do both

It’s at this point that the famous saying “you can have anything you want just not at the same time” comes in handy. I want time alone now and then to write and create or just zoom out or inwards. But I also I want a close connection with my family and I to be there for my children. I love spending time with them. They have such interesting perspectives on things and we talk about huge and small things.

My current theory is that it’s a balance that I need to fine tune now and then. I need to follow my energy meter – Sometimes the needs of my daughter will come before my own. Because if I chose different in that situation I would feel like a lousy mother which would put me in an energy deficit anyway. Sometimes I direct them to help each other so I can get an hour to myself.

It’s still difficult to prioritize myself and determine what level I feel is right for me. I’m learning as I go. Adjusting as I realize something is unbalanced. I’ve learnt to watch out for some telling signs:

• I start being frustrated with my children for disrupting me/intruding
• I feel stuck or held back because of my family’s desire to spend time with me
• When I slip into doubts about who I am and my worth as a human without your children

If these thoughts or feeling start showing up in my life it’s a red light telling me to stop and really evaluate how I’m spending my time.

How do you balance being there for your children while setting and achieving personal goals? How do ensure your energy as well as steering the family ship in an empowering direction? Leave us your comments!