Morning routine

There is a lot of advice online about creating successful morning routines. The theory is that if you have a good morning you get momentum that will carry through the entire day. Generally the advice include time for meditation, journaling on gratitude, goalsetting and physical workouts. The term “win the morning to win your day” is everywhere. What does winning a morning look like with kids?

Zoom into a busy family morning: Dad is cleaning the kitchen after breakfast as well as loudly reminding the kids to pack their gym bags for school. Mom’s rummaging around looking for the charger to the computer, hollering that “the car will be leaving in 5 minutes so everyone better get dressed”. Kids getting caught up in brushing teeth and hair as well as all having to go to the bathroom at the same exact moment. Was it today the kids needed an extra change of clothes to school? Who is going to go to the dentist appointment with the youngest? Where is the homework that needs to be handed in today? “Why aren’t any of the trousers I can actually wear clean?”

I used to spend my mornings in some version of that chaos. I felt I was always a step behind, stressed and overwhelmed and wondered if this was it?

We were far from the connection and feeling of cooperation I’d envisioned for my family. I’d get into constant battles with my girls and we’d leave for work and school in a bad mood towards each other. I’d spend the whole commute to work feeling guilty and regretting all the nagging. Worrying that they’d be feeling sad or unloved. “Will they be able to focus on school today?” “Why can’t they just get going in the mornings?”

There must be a better way

I sat there, once again exhausted and frustrated, on the subway and I noticed a mother with her two kids sitting across from me. One child on her lap nibbling a sandwich. The other sitting next to her, watching the people around them, asking her mom about this and that. They were talking and laughing, being present and enjoying each other’s company.

I thought; “Awe, I wish we could start our mornings with that feeling!” and then I got really curious. What had they been doing before now to get into the calm and happy mood they were in? What would have to be different in our morning routine to get into that state? How much better wouldn’t our lives be if we could make it work? Would my daughters be willing to make the changes needed?

Make it a family decision

I was pretty sure my girls would be as excited about not hearing me nag them as I was about not having to do it. But what changes would make it possible? I decided to ask them.

I tried to paint a picture that would inspire them. “Imagine having a morning without nagging or stress, a morning where we have time to laugh and can sit and eat our breakfast together. I would so love to have time to give you a huge hug when I leave you off at school. Wouldn’t it be nice to leave for school in the morning without feeling angry? What if we could walk to school without worrying about being late? Maybe even stop by the park and see how far you could balance on the rail every morning?”

They were on!

We talked about what we needed to do to make it work.

I had prepared some questions;

1. What would make you wake up in a good mood?
2. How could you make sure you get ready in the morning, dressed, with brushed teeth and your bag packed, without me reminding you even once?
3. What do you think could happen that would make either of us upset in the morning and how ca we make sure that doesn’t happen?

Listen to everyone’s perspective

Children have an enormous imagination and the solutions are sometimes completely unexpected. My youngest wanted me to jump into her bed and start tickling her in the mornings which actually worked amazingly well 🙂

My eldest wanted us to buy her an alarm clock so she could decide when she would get up.

I was surprised by how well they both could predict which situations would risk tripping us and by how responsible they were in proposing solutions to them. “Mom, I know you get angry when I take too long choosing my clothes. Maybe I can choose them the night before so I already know what to wear in the morning”?” or “I’m sometimes sleepy in the morning and don’t want to talk to anyone. Can you not talk to me if I say that I’m tired?” or “I sometimes forget the time because I start doing something fun – could you help remind me but with a happy voice mom? Could you just say “Emelie, teeth””

I had to set some rules or parameters for situations that, as children, they didn’t have experience of yet. Like a what time we needed to be out the door to make it to school in time or recommending they pack the school bag the night before to make sure nothing was missing that we’d have to search for.

I’ve heard of families who implemented the use of a timer to get reminders without the parent having to say anything. They asked the children how long they thought they needed to get dressed and set the alarm. If it went off before they were ready then they’d change the time the next morning. With time they learnt approximately much time was needed for different actions.

Setting a morning routine

We’ve worked out a routine that gives us a chance to connect and to start our day without stress. Today I still make them breakfast and we eat together most mornings. I walk them to school and we get a chance to talk and hug good bye without stress. As our schedules change and they take on even more responsibility for their own morning routines, to win their days, our routine will also evolve.

If you want to implement a family morning routine maybe these steps can be helpful:

• Start by defining the dream scenario from your adult perspective. And be honest about how you walk your own talk. For instance; at what time do you have to go to bed to be able to wake up happy?
• Define the prerequisites from a logistical view. At what time do you have to leave the house to make it to school, how long does brushing teeth or other basic actions, that you believe are non-negotiable, take?
• Let the children participate in forming a vision and a plan for your mornings. Let them define risks and how to handle them.
• Implement and evolve as you go along. Help each other remember to not fall into old patterns and be consistent and refer back to what you’ve agreed on.

Notice the difference and celebrate your new routines when you see them working. Brag to each other about the changes you’ve made in your family. Reminisce about how it used to be and congratulate yourselves on how far you’ve come together.