Improvement

The headline on this post could be interpreted in many different ways. As with most things people say it’s up to the meaning you give it to decide how you will feel about it. Is it a question of opening up for someone else to walk all over you with their demands and expectations? Does the question spark the image of someone too subservient for their own good?
Or could it, in fact, be the most genius and generous question you could ask to better your relationships?

Constant Never-ending Improvement – CNI

In my very first blog post I mentioned one of the life strategies I live by; “I apply the theory of CNI to my life and my personal development. CNI, a term used in the IT business where I come from, is short for Constant Never-ending Improvement.”

I believe humans can develop and improve all through our lives, that the only thing stopping us is if we stop trying. And in improvement lies more fulfillment and happiness – if you choose to improve in the areas that gives you that off course J I use a number of different methods to decide on what to improve next. The method depends on the area.

In the corporate world of hiring there are a number of tests and standardized evaluations that are supposed to indicate “who you really are”. These tests are considered valid in predicting how well you will perform and thus how valuable you will be to a company. One of the tests is called “The 360”.

The 360 consist of a questionnaire about you that is given to a number of people working close to you. A boss, employees and other co-workers. The results are anonymous, managed by the testing company, to encourage open and honest answers. The ones who gets the questionnaire are the ones that see your actions and their results. Those that won’t be fooled by your ambitious words or conquering plans.

The people, who interact with you on a daily basis, could be the most valuable sources of feedback.

We might THINK that we know

To be able to make the split second decisions that’s been essential for our species survival our amazing brain has developed a huge number of biases. They’re shortcuts for deciding on what’s dangerous, who can be trusted, my own ability and many other decisions.

One of these biases is that we tend to think that others see the world the same way as we do. So we often treat our loved ones in the same way we would like to be treated. “I really love it when he prepares breakfast for me – it makes me feel loved and taken cared of – that must mean that he’ll feel loved and taken cared for if I make him breakfast!” or “When I was little I used to love it when my mother combed and braided my hair – I will do that for my girls as well”.

There are stories of loving partners going through most of their life together performing small “acts of service” for each other that turns out wasn’t ever really important to that person. One tells of a couple that every morning shared a piece of bread. The wife loved the top of the bread so she gave that to her husband whenever she was preparing their meal. And the husband who would have preferred the bottom always gave that half to his wife.

The Golden Rule, according to the Bible, reads “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you: do ye even so to them”. I believe maybe we could add to that – tell people what you would like them to do for you and ask others what they would like you to do for them.

Teach your family, friends and business partners that you really want to know

It’s not an altogether simple process to ask for and receive feedback, least of all from your close family and friends. You want to glean the most impact possible from these potential rare gems of truth. To be able to achieve this it’s good to think it through. Do you have a habit of taking things personal?

If you start explaining or making excuses as to why the feedback you’re getting won’t work or is wrong in any way you will soon stop getting it. If you start feeling uncomfortable when receiving feedback you’ll also contribute to stem the flow since you leak what you feel.

There are two areas that could be mined for gold together with these close people.

1. Their worldview on your part in your shared relationship. (Remember: They cannot be wrong in these answers since all they’re doing is describing their beliefs and their experiences so far.)
2. Their perceived experience of you and of how you could feel even better and reach even more of your goals.

Some questions for each area

Some possible questions for the first area are

• What could I do to make you feel even more loved?
• What do I do that makes you feel loved today?
• How could I change for you to love me even more?

Some possible questions for the second area are

• How am I holding myself back?
• If I changed one thing to become even more fulfilled in life what would it be?

Remember to be thankful for all the feedback you receive, treat them as valuable gifts given in trust and with love. Also remember that you’re not obliged to change in any way that you feel isn’t right for you. What you chose to DO with the feedback you get is always up to you.