Forgiveness

Life happens

I believe that we can’t completely protect ourselves from hurt. Life happens. Big things happen that are out of our control, people we love get sick, accidents occur, death and taxes – life happens. Apart from those big ones there are innumerable occasions where we’re in contact with other people and risk being hurt. Communication is tricky and misunderstandings are inevitable. So how can you approach this capricious dance called life?

One key could be to consider the old saying “It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills”. What does that really mean? To me it means that if I hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise, it’s not the actual incident that is the biggest concern for our relationship. It’s the period after the incident and how you and that person deals with the aftermath of it that’s the real challenge. If the incident isn’t managed well the person that got hurt will have a mental venom coursing through their head which will slowly erode your relationship.

The same goes for a situation where I’m the one that’s been hurt. The bite itself won’t continue to hurt me, the incident is over, it’s the thoughts and feelings relived afterwards that will continue to cause me pain if I let it.

Managing to extract the venom after there’s been a bite requires effort – it’s called forgiving.

Apologizing is a first step

Apologizing is sometimes really difficult. You didn’t mean to cause hurt and it can feel unfair to have to apologize just because someone misunderstood your intention. It’s important to learn the skill of apologizing as a first step towards forgiveness.

Forgiving has a complex role in a life well lived. Really letting go of hurt is important. Sometimes you are the one that can deliver that gift to someone else and sometimes you have to give that gift to yourself.

Forgiving someone that hurt you

When something has happened that have left you feeling hurt you have that venom coursing through you. Even if you fully accept that what you need to do, to feel better, is to forgive it’s sometimes not all that easy to do. Even when the one that hurt you is sincerely apologizing it might still feel painful and sad inside. This is a tricky situation that requires some internal digging and honesty on your part.

First be honest with yourself about what you need to be able to forgive completely. And really be honest with yourself. No one stands to gain from you pretending to forgive or saying that you do when you still harbor sadness or resentment. You need to understand yourself before you can articulate to someone else what you need.

When you know what you need and feel secure in the reasonability of these desires the next step is to figure out how to communicate them to the people involved. How can you convey your needs in a way that leaves the person apologizing willing to comply? Apologizing is vulnerable in the first place, being rejected and asked to “do more” can drive people away. You want to be a person that it’s easy to apologize to but not someone that is left with the pain of faking forgiveness. It’s a balancing act that requires honesty and true communication.

Forgiving without an apology

Sometimes things happen and there is no one around to give an apology in the first place. There are people that aren’t capable of accepting responsibility for causing hurt enough to apologize. Sometimes the person that hurt you isn’t even alive any more. If you have pain in your life because of something someone did to you then you are still a victim to what happened.

The venom is still in you. Even though the bite maybe happened a long time ago. Can you extract that venom by yourself? Clean your blood and release your body and soul of pain?

I believe that forgiving is a choice and a skill we can learn and that it’s one of the most important gifts we can give to ourselves.

Letting go of guilt when forgiveness is withheld from you

One of the most difficult situations, when it comes to forgiveness, is when someone you’ve hurt can’t get over the pain you caused. When the gift of forgiveness isn’t given to you even when you vulnerably ask for it.

Some people can’t accept an apology without enough time for their feelings to cool off. It’s hard to live with having hurt someone that you love that needs time for the anger/resentment to dissipate. To leave them alone when all you want to do is heal that broken connection.

Worst of all are those situations where someone can’t accept your apology no matter how long time it takes or how you try to fix things. In these circumstances you eventually will need to do something that sounds easy but can be extremely difficult; You have to let it go, you must find a way to forgive yourself and move on.

Do you have venom searing through your body and soul?

If you have unresolved situations in your life, things have happened that you cannot forgive, you are most certainly in a negative energy spiral. Would it be valuable to you to free up some of that energy?

Take out that pen and paper and write down the answers to the following questions:

1. Think of a situation you keep coming back to in your mind where someone did something to you that you can’t get over. Describe the situation.
2. Now think about this situation as if you were in the other person’s body and mind. How was she/he feeling, what was the intention? If you had to list three mitigating circumstances for the behavior what would they be?
3. How would your life be different if you could truly let go of the hurt of that situation?
4. What are two things you could do that would help you move on?

Sometimes there is resistance when trying to do this exercise, if you run into a mental block then take a deep breath and try to change focus. Try answering as if the answers are really easy or really basic – write whatever comes to mind – writing something, anything, will move you forward.