Family Theory/Strategy

Leadership in a family setting – who’s the locomotive?

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Leadership

What does leadership look like in a family context? Who is the leader in your household? Do you want your children to do as you say and follow your lead?

Some years ago, during a lecture on leadership in a corporate setting, I heard the metaphor of the locomotive. It made a strong impression on me and I decided to make a visual trigger of it to remind myself of the theory. I made a special order to a sliver smith and got a pendant to wear.

The locomotive as a metaphor for leadership

The story went something like this: “Imagine that you’re the locomotive, the one who’s going in front and leading the way. If you want the wagons to follow, you must make sure they’re thoroughly coupled before you set of. Since wagons don’t move by themselves you have to be the one backing up to them. You have to find them and go to them, in the railway yard or elsewhere, and make it possible to connect to you.

Don’t stand there on the track shouting to wagons to come join you. Don’t expect wagons to be able to move on their own. Wagons are explicitly made to carry things and people, not to provide power or chose direction.”

Who’s the locomotive or the wagon in a situation might differ depending on the skillset required and the people involved. Neither position is better than the other, both functions are needed for the train to perform according to design. The story highlights however that there are different skillsets needed for the locomotive and for the wagon.

Stepping up and accepting the role as locomotive

In her book, Kids are worth it!, Barbara Coloroso describes three different types of parenting styles; backbone, brick-wall and jellyfish. The backbone family is the preferred style. It’s based on the idea that families’ fare best when parents lead from their backbones; guided by clear, communicated beliefs and accepting responsibility for defining rules and following through on them.

Stepping up front is sometimes scary. You’re vulnerable and the people around you depend on you. The more often you take the lead the more comfortable you’ll get. As with anything it comes down to practice. About 8 years ago I was appointed a management position at work. I found myself confronted by a number of uncomfortable situations where others looked to me for direction. I remember a specific challenge we had regarding sales.

As in many companies our employees were struggling with the concept of sales. They felt like they were trying to fool our customers into buying our services. I knew I had to change this culture. We needed to believe the truth, that we were solving problems, that what we did brought true value. I also needed to show them how fun sales can be. I decided to do some role playing.

My employees got the role of customer and I was our company’s sales person. They prepared a devil’s advocate case and then we got started. It was scary and I was nervous but we worked through it all. I believe that I earned respect for showing up and being willing to stumble and learn in real time together with my colleagues.

Stepping up front in a family setting can be setting a fixed time for when your kids should be in bed. It can be deciding that you’re limiting candy consumption or screen time.

Make sure the wagons are coupled safely before setting out

The story of the train describes both the need for someone to take on the role of the locomotive, either as a parent or in a work environment, and the need for the locomotive to enable the coupling of the wagons.

I used to get frustrated with my kids when they wouldn’t listen to me. People at work should follow my suggestions and when they didn’t I felt personally insulted. I expected people around me to not only understand me but to automatically comply with my wishes and ideas. Yeah, sounds more like a dictator than a diplomat, I know. I was definitely acting as a wannabe locomotive standing there on the rail, ready to push forward, hollering to potential wagons to come join me.

I felt it was unnecessary to explain my vision. If people didn’t see it then they were not the right people. Now I know it had more to do with me being unwilling to be vulnerable in sharing my vision. What if people didn’t want to join me because they didn’t like my ideas?

I’ve come to accept that with the role of locomotive comes the unavoidable task of “selling” and explaining. It takes conscious effort to think through arguments that will inspire my children and coworkers to connect to my ideas and join me for the ride. The strongest couplings are made when the wagons latch on due to a shared belief and desire.

Even if it’s taken some imagination we’ve made even bedtimes, screen time limitations and sugar restrictions into accepted agreements. I’ve taken my time explaining my reasoning, painting a picture of the goal filling it with positive possibilities and voiced my strong beliefs and dreams for our family.

Do you want to practice the role of the locomotive?

Not everyone feel comfortable taking on the leadership role and there are plenty of situations where you don’t have to. But as a parent you need to practice being the locomotive. Your children look to you for guidance and instructions.

Here are some possible steps to help you practice:

  1. Pick a specific situation you want to practice/change. It can be a situation where, in the past, you’ve not stepped up front as the locomotive or a situation where you feel you’ve not managed to convince your family yet.
  2. Step into the leadership role. Take some time alone to think through the situation. What is your desired result? What does the people involved want out of this situation?
  3. Practice selling your vision
    • Explain the challenge in respectful terms
    • Paint a vision that inspire and commit yourself truly to your goal
    • Make a plan together – it’s easier to commit to a plan you’ve been part of creating

The most effective way to lead is still by your own actions but remember the impact of “selling” your vision. Committing emotionally and out loud to your dreams will ease the way for your wagons to connect.

BeBrave

Den viktigaste förebilden är du!

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Apple

I have a returning guest writer on my Blog today. I asked my daughter Linnea what she thinks would be an important topic for me to write on. We talked back and forth and she ended up writing her own piece. Enjoy 🙂

Jag känner min mamma och kan tänka mig att hon har skrivit om det här redan. Men jag som barn vill berätta om hur jag ser det från mitt perspektiv och understryka hur viktigt det faktiskt är. Du kanske har hört uttrycket ”äpplet faller inte långt från trädet” eller ”sådan far, sådan son”? Det är två ordspråk som stämmer väldigt bra då den viktigaste förebilden en människa har är… tja, du.Role-model

Mer än något annat tar din dotter/son efter dig och lär sig reagera på olika situationer i livet efter hur du själv reagerar. Om hen till exempel snubblar över något och ramlar när de är små så kommer det första hen gör vara att vända sig till dig och se hur du reagerar. Om du skriker och springer fram till hen är chansen stor att barnet genast tolkar det som hänt som något farligt, och kanske även börjar gråta. Om du däremot, tar ditt förnuft till fånga och tänker att hen knappt är en meter lång och inte kan ha skadat sig allvarligt, och istället för att se orolig ut, ler till ditt barn och glatt säger ”Kom igen. Upp, igen!” så kommer barnet förstå att det inte är något farligt, ”mamma och pappa verkade ju inte särskilt oroliga.”

Dina rädslor går i arv

Visste du att ett barn bara föds med två rädslor? Det är höga ljud och snabba rörelser. Resten av rädslorna utvecklas allteftersom ditt barn växer. Som jag sa så kommer ditt barn titta på dig för att få en uppfattning om hur hen ska reagera i alla situationer, och hur du agerar kan bli avgörande för barnets utveckling. Om du till exempel är rädd för att flyga och inte är noggrann med att inte visa det för ditt barn kommer även hen att utveckla en rädsla för att flyga. Så var väldigt försiktig med vilka sidor av dig själv du delar med dig av till ditt barn när hen är i sina yngsta år.

Mina tips till dig som förälder

Håll översikt. Ditt barn tar inte bara efter dig utan alla i hens omgivning. Hon/han är helt ovetande om livet och hur hen ska reagera i olika situationer och kommer försöka hämta information från alla möjliga källor. Så håll översikt över vilka filmer och videor ditt barn kollar på och vem han/hon umgås med. I början när de är små och precis lärt sig språket är det extra viktigt med vilka filmer han/hon tittar på till exempel. Min personliga favoritfilm när jag var liten var Pingu. En pingvin i lera som inte tjänade något syfte eller lärde ut någonting förutom att underhålla när han sprang omkring i sitt isiga hem. Mitt tips är att istället för att visa sånna filmer vars enda syfte är att underhålla, visa filmer som har ett dolt budskap eller en lärdom som huvudrollen får i slutet. Det behöver inte vara så komplicerat. Det kan vara nästan vilken film som helst.

Ha uppsikt över vad ditt barn kollar på och vem de umgås med tills de är gamla nog för att själva förstå vilka människor det bör vara. Visa hen videor du tycker är bra och berätta om människor du tittat på/läst om. Berätta hur bra du tycker att de är och varför, ditt barn kommer omedvetet bli intresserat av att kolla på det du berättar om, så berätta bara om sånt du vill att ditt barn ska titta på. Om det är väldigt litet är det ännu lättare eftersom du som förälder kan kontrollera vilka filmer era barn tittar på, men när de bli äldre och kanske börjar titta på Youtube blir det svårare. Du får se till att tills dess ha lärt barnet vad som är bra att titta på.

Uppfostra hen medvetet

Du måste vara medveten om att ditt barn tar efter dig och uppfostra hen utefter det. Var noga med att inte säga till hen hur den ska vara och bete sig. Uppfostra henne/han inte som en flicka eller pojke utan som människa och se till att hen inte faller in i de normer som finns idag. Låt ditt barn titta på filmer som är inriktade till både tjejer och killar och klä inte hen som det ena eller det andra. Låt hen känna sig fri att vara som han/hon vill. Kom ihåg att det barn du tittar på är en människa och ett liv och ta chansen att forma hen till någon hen kan vara stolt över.

Fokusera lika mycket på dig själv som människa som på din dotter/son. Ditt barn tar mer efter hur du är än vad du säger. Försök vara en så bra människa du kan och förklara för ditt barn vad du tycker är rätt och bra och varför. Om du är flygrädd så förklara att det bara är du som har den rädslan och att alla människor inte har det. Förklara att det inte är farligt med flygplan egentligen och se till att din dotter/son inte sitter bredvid dig eller nån annan flygrädd under resan.

//Linnea

BeBrave

Pick the best moment to avoid unnecessary conflict

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Moment

The first thing greeting you when you walk in the door is a heap of shoes, a couple of backpacks and jackets sprawled over the floor. Depending on your mood at this moment your reactions might scale from simply stepping over the mess to completely losing control and start screaming out loud. Is it possible, in a family with children, to have a tidy hallway without conflict?

Sometimes my family drives me nuts

Clothes in the hallway and personal things strewn over the counter tops in the kitchen is one thing. Another is in the mornings, when we’re in a hurry to get going, and someone just now realizes that the gym clothes hasn’t been washed or that this or that important thing can’t be found.

Or how about when it’s time for bed and you walk in expecting (hoping? praying?) to find your daughter in bed waiting for her bedtime story. You’d hoped she’d brushed her teeth, gotten undressed and was already snuggled down in bed. And there she is, toys all over the floor, immersed in play. You know you have another 20 minutes of preparing before you’re in reading mode. There went your 20 minutes to yourself before you have to be in bed yourself…

These situations become conflicts when they’re combined with a perceived lack of time. If we have to be somewhere at a certain time or if it’s my “alone time” being compromised.

Logistical conflicts is one source but the thing that trigger most conflict in my life, these days, is people’s tone of voice. The other night my daughter wanted me to help her with her English homework. She was tired and stressed and when I didn’t just say “everything looks okay, well done” she snapped at my suggestions. Another typical tone-of-voice-based conflict is when we have to go buy clothes or shoes. Neither of my girls likes shopping (I know what you’re thinking, “Be grateful for that! It’ll change!” ;)) so when we have to, they almost always drag their feet and mumble.

A third area of possible conflict is when it comes to limiting screen time.

What is the desired result?

So far I’ve listed a number of clearly defined situations where conflict comes up in our family setting. If you think about it, could you also make a list of such situations that happen in your family? Every family is unique so the specific situations will be unique to you. There are some basic areas that come up for most families but it’s in the specific details that you’ll find the power to really impact your life.

When you have a list, now it’s time to dream. What would be the best scenario for each situation? What is your dream goal? Remember to dream big and to include all family member’s perspectives.

Ask yourself;

  • What would be the most amazing outcome for me in this situation?
  • What would be the most amazing outcome for my children in this situation?
  • Since you’re in this together, what are some compromises that you can already see would be acceptable for you?

For me I’d really love it if the hallway was tidy when I come home from work. I SO appreciate calm and stress free mornings where I don’t have to remind my children about anything. Walking them to school when we’re in a good mood and have time to talk and connect is wonderful. I also love helping them with their homework, I really do. When there’s time to do it properly and with a playful feeling. Lying next to them, talking, before they fall asleep is one of my favorite times of my day – but it becomes a guilt filled burden when they’re not in bed “on time” and lying next to them will mean no adult alone time for me that night.

How can you avoid everyday situations turning into conflict?

So now you have a list of situation that come up in your family setting that create conflict. You also have a pretty good idea of how the ideal situations would look like. So how do you go about changing? It’s simple but not easy. J There’s a foundational set-the-stage kind of activity to do and there’s a habit of managing your anger in the moment to learn.

Setting the stage – preparing for avoiding conflict

Having conflict in a family is tough on everyone involved. It’s not just you that get badly impacted when you get irritated or angry. Clothes on the floor might not be a problem for your child but having an angry mom definitely is. And even if the mom keeps her anger to herself, she’s likely not connecting with love to that child. So when someone in your family have a problem with something, all of you are effected.

No one likes conflict and children will cooperate to avoid it if given the right tools. When you know of a situation that create conflict you can decide beforehand on how to manage it. You can agree on a strategy, try it out and adjust if needed, until you find something that works for you.

Here’s the most important advice: Don’t try to come up with a strategy during the actual situation. Wait until all feelings are calmed and there’s no risk of anyone feeling judged or criticized.

As parents, do your homework before inviting the children into the conversation. It’s paramount that you agree on the dream situation, on what compromises you can live with, and that you support each other. Then plan for how to approach the subject. What will be the best time to gather your family to have this conversation? Everyone should feel that they have time, that they’re safe and valued and that their perspective is going to be heard. Think through why you want to talk.

Make sure that this conversation isn’t perceived as a conflict in itself. The feeling and atmosphere of this meeting/dialogue should be one of curiosity, care and a shared will to contribute to a gorgeous family.

When conflict hits you in the face

Setting the stage and agreeing on your family strategy for avoiding and working through conflict is one thing. But we’re all a work in progress and since children, and adults, change over time new conflicts arise. Also, regardless of how thoughtfully you’ve worked out your strategies, some days will trigger you more than others. Life happens. You’ll have slept too little, someone might be turning sick or be emotionally hurting and all of a sudden your strategy isn’t working.

In those moments it’s helpful to have a short term strategy in place. I know it might sound impossible to have a strategy for how to act when your agreed upon strategy isn’t working. But this strategy is different. It’s your personal strategy for managing yourself when the family strategy for this situation isn’t working or isn’t in place yet.

The personal strategy for managing conflict

  • Step 1. Practice turning an angry thought into a genuine compliment. In the moment, when you get angry, the first priority is to get out of that limiting feeling. The necessity to address the conflict is still as valid and should not be ignored, see step 2, but getting back to an empowering feeling comes first.
    Don’t fake a compliment. Breathe and remind yourself of something you actually love or appreciate about the other person. Say it like you mean it.
    This will result in two things; you will have remembered a true positive feeling which your brain will act upon and make come true in your body and the one you’re talking to will feel appreciated and open up towards you.
  • Step 2. Make a note to yourself about the situation. If you don’t write this down you will forget about the details. Describe what happened, what you were upset about, how and what someone said and how you interpreted it.
  • Step 3. Own the responsibility for picking a good moment to talk about what has happened and coming up with a family strategy. You might feel that it’s unnecessary to bring it up when it’s “already over” but chances are that the situation will come up again if you don’t address it. Also everyone will learn to understand each other better if we invite them to hear about our experience. Your children want you to be happy and to feel loved. But how can they understand how to treat you if you don’t explain your preferences and your triggers?

A final note on the personal strategy; When you mess up and get angry at your family – which will happen – use that opportunity to demonstrate what owning your shit looks like. Say you’re sorry and rebuild the connection.

BeBrave

Using money to practice the skill of impulse control

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Impulse control

One of the life skills I want to teach my children is to control their impulses and everyday money decisions provide ample situations to practice. I want to empower my children to live consciously and free from marketing schemes and buyers remorse.

Skills that can be taught using everyday finances as examples

Skills can be learnt and they have real life value for you. Money is an excellent arena, to use as a teaching platform, which contribute to other areas in your children’s lives. For example I want to teach my daughters to be responsible and also to have the ability to plan and set goals. See below for some ideas in each skillset area.

Behaving responsibly:

  • Using an allowance from an early age and helping them reason about what to spend it on so that there will be enough left for other things they want
  • Keeping a piggy bank with a formal cashbook to note down any deposit or withdrawal
  • Talking about the importance of always knowing where your credit card is and keeping the information secret. Never loan it to someone or give your information away to someone on the internet

The ability to plan and set goals:

  • When your children encounter something that they’d really like to spend money on you’ve got a golden opportunity to teach them about goal setting and planning. Help them create a plan including how much they “earn” in allowance and how long it will take them to get to the goal.
  • Set up a container that can be put somewhere visible and celebrate every deposit towards the goal.
  • Break the plan down into midterm goals and make them visual – maybe an estimated half way line on the container?
  • If your child is older you might brainstorm on how to impact the plan in terms of more income or less expenses. Maybe you can break the plan down into milestones like; looking for a temporary part time job, getting an interview and earning the first pay.

Teaching impulse control

Another important life skill is mastering your short term pleasure seeking gene and your brain with its inherent impulses. Learning the skill of impulse control could benefit you in so many areas in life such as sticking to eating food that is good for you, stopping yourself from vomiting angry words at your friends when you’re upset or to finish running that mile although it would feel so good to cut this session short.

Piggybank

I’ve used a special homemade piggy bank to teach ad practice impulse control. My children each have a piggy bank in the form of a tower of three boxes. The titles on the boxes reads; Save, Give away and My money.

When the girls get their allowance, or a gift of money from someone, they get to distribute the money into the three boxes. They decide how much money to put in each box. There are different rules for each box. Money put in the Give away box is used to buy gifts or to give to someone who needs help. The money in My money box can be used for whatever purpose, at any time.

The money that is invested into the Save box is different. I’ve made a deal to make that money grow. Any amount saved, and logged in the cashbook, for the year I will reward at New years eve.

I want to teach them to stop and think before spending money on impulse. To consider how important the thing really is, especially if you just now saw it in the store and didn’t even know such a thing existed before. What do I think I will get from owning this thing? How often, at what times and where will I use it?

Withdrawals need a cooling off period

We have a special rule regarding withdrawals from the Save box. If/when they find something that they can’t afford and they consider using the Savings in the Save Box we have a “cooling period” of a month. We write down in our calendar, the store and the price of the thing they want to buy, and set an alarm for one month. If they still want to spend the money when the cooling off month is up they’re absolutely free to do so.

So far it’s happened once that one of my girls has stuck to her desire to buy the thing she wanted. The decision was a good one, she’s played with that particular toy for hours and hours. She was completely committed to the investment, going in with her eyes open, and she never regretted it.

This idea started some years ago when my eldest was 9 and my youngest had just turned 7. At that time, to make things simple, I promised them to “double whatever they’d saved”. My nine year old caught on to the idea. She put most of her money in the Save box to ensure a good return. My seven year old didn’t at first.

When New years came I went to the bank and withdrew the amounts in Swedish 10 kronor coins – they’re golden in color. I asked  my oldest to hold out her hands and I let her coins rain down into her hands. The money overflowed on the kitchen table, she felt rich! 🙂 My youngest hadn’t saved as much and so got a lesser rainfall, much to her dismay. But guess what happened all year long after that? Yep, pretty much every penny went into the Save box.

You’re the most important teacher

As with every skill in life, the way you act will teach your children more than any theoretical idea. Do you, like me, want to teach them skills like to be responsible, to express a dream goal and make plans for achieving it and impulse control? What would be different if you implemented those skills in your own life?

BeBrave

Abundance or scarcity – Does money grow on trees?

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Abundance

What kind of life do you envision for your children? I bet you wish happiness and love for them, but what else? What kind of experiences do you see in their future? Will they become “successful” in something, what does successful look like? What about financial abundance, is that something you hope for?

Set your definition of successful

Before I continue writing this post I’d like to stop and make something very clear. I do not equate success with having a lot of money. Some people give me a special look when I talk about finances as if I’m going on about something that shouldn’t be talked about. Some have even asked me if I’m not afraid of putting too much pressure on my kids in terms of making a lot of money.

I don’t pressure my children into becoming financially free or some definition of “successful” that has a financial number tied to it.

I do, however, encourage them into learning about money and finances so that they can make informed decisions. Money is important, not because of image, but because of what it provides; some level of security and a world of possibilities. Money is a tool and when you know how to use it you can choose if and when you want to.

I do not equate success with having a lot of money. Neither do I equate success to being poor and struggling to pay your bills.

I want my children to focus on what makes them feel alive, on what makes them proud of themselves and how they can bring value to others. I believe that achieving success in life, according to that definition, combined with financial literacy will bring that financial abundance that all well-meaning people deserve.

So, when you envision the future for your children do you see financial abundance? What are your thoughts about money and abundance? Try asking your children the same questions and see if you can detect their relationship and view on this subject.

Does having money make you popular?

We’ve reasoned about money in our family. I’ve asked if they thought money was important, could money make you popular and are you a better friend if you have loads of money? They’re not easy questions to answer since they’re not binary questions.

Reasoning about money, and what having money means, is important. It helps children to become aware of this tool and their own thoughts and beliefs about it. Maybe your kids, like mine when they were younger, think that being able to buy things for their friends will make their friends like them more. I’m not saying that that is incorrect, maybe their friends love presents, I know I do, I’m just saying it’s a good thing to talk about. Does that popularity come with any downsides? How would they feel towards a friend that gave them gifts?

Astrid Lindgren, Swedish author of children books, writes about Pippi Longstocking who is super rich. She’s got a bag full of gold and she spends a lot of it on her friends – one particular episode fascinated my girls, the same way it caught my imagination when I was young, The visit to the candy shop. Pippi goes in and buys bags and bags of candy – she pretty much empties the store – and shares it with all the children in town. Needless to say Pippi is very popular amongst the kids in this episode.

The questions aren’t binary. The answers depends on how the actions make you feel. Is your relationship impacted in any bad way due to negative feelings on either part? If everyone involved are happy then everything is good!

Then the questions level up to;

  • Are there different ways to give?
  • How can you facilitate a completely positive response from the receiver?

Does money grow in trees?

Apart from the idea of what money can or cannot make you into, I’ve identified a number of other important concepts to introduce to my kids. One base concept is the mindset of abundance versus scarcity.

If you believe that money is abundant in the world you are more likely share it, fight for it and to use it. If you believe that there is loads and loads of money available, just waiting for you to go out and get it, you will be more likely to do just that.

We’ve talked about money growing on trees to make abundance into a visual idea.

“There is so much money in in the world that you could replace all leaves on all trees on the entire planet and that would still only be part of everything there is. Most of it is just waiting for you to claim it. You just have to show up and climb the trees and start picking!”

Showing up and climbing trees becomes metaphors for earning money – let’s look into that later. For now let’s stay with the concept of abundance.

Abundance versus scarcity

If you believe that money is abundant you will consider it to be relatively easy to get. If there is so much of it, why shouldn’t you be able to get some or even a lot? No more thoughts like; “it’s too complicated, only geniuses can do it” or “why would I succeed when there are so many smart hardworking people out there that have already thought of everything?”.

With an abundance mindset you believe that there is enough money on this planet, that if you can just find the right tree and are willing to do some climbing, you will be able to bring in a harvest that will set you up for life.

If you believe that there is money in abundance you will also be more willing to invest the money you have. This is a core prerequisite for making money grow. Yes, there is a risk to investing, but since you always can just go out and get more you’re more willing to look at that risk.

If you believe that it’s a scarce resource – you will start acting constricted towards it. You will start to pay more attention to securing what you’ve got than in how to invest it into growth or in how to use it for loving and giving purposes.

Some people agree on the abundance theory but think that any one individual shouldn’t focus on getting too much of it. “Then there won’t be enough for everyone.” Like if someone takes a too big piece of the pie there won’t be enough left for everyone else. But hey, what if there are infinite pies and pastries out there just waiting for someone to find them and deliver them to those who are hungry?

Be happy for people who are climbing and harvesting

An abundance mindset will let you feel true joy and gratitude towards people that have earned a lot of money. You will believe that these people have shown you where there are trees to climb and they will be an inspiration and a reminder of what is possible.

I think that money will make you more of what you already are. If you are greedy and selfish you will still be that way even if you win the lottery. If you are a giving person, and someone who loves to surprise people, you’ll use your abundance for doing good things for others. Having money doesn’t make you popular, at least not with the people that matters, it’s who you are and what you do that will make you loved and appreciated.

Good people should have as much money as possible. Because good people will do good things with that tool.

Some tips to help along the way to an abundance mindset:

  1. Stop saying that things are ”too expensive”. Those words are sending the subconscious signal to yourself and your children that you don’t have enough money. Replace it with the phrase “I don’t think it’s worth that amount”. This way you shift from the feeling of scarcity into a more constructive discussion about value.
  2. An abundance mindset is not equal to ignoring risk. Please do your due diligence and your risk-reward ratio calculations before doing any investing. (And if you don’t know those terms google them 🙂 )
  3. Helping others makes you feel alive and proud of yourself. It’s a great way to show yourself how good the abundance mindset can feel. Use it to create a good spiral of abundance and giving.

BeBrave

Screen time – How long? is not as important as Why?

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Screen time

Do your children spend a lot of time in front of a screen such as a tablet, phone, TV or computer? How much is a lot of time? Do they spend more or less time than you do? How do you feel about it? How do they feel about it?

“Siri, how do you make healthy muffins?”

The Ipad came out in 2010 and a new era began. The amount of games and apps grew like wildfire and every company fought to create their own digital world to capture the attention of our children. Before that, the computer and TV game industry had already primed most of the generation that are now parents. Spending time in front of a screen is the new normal.

Now information is at our kid’s fingertips, or even at their disposal by just posing the question out loud to Siri or Alexa. Never has it been easier to stay in touch with friends or meeting new people from all over the world. The planet is accessible, for our kids, in a way that was just not possible for me growing up.

Wiki, Google and Storytel are aiding my kids in becoming self-reliant on facts and knowledge. For my birthday, a couple of months ago, my daughter wanted to bake muffins to surprise me. She knows I’m not into sugary treats so she asked Siri to help her find a recipe for healthy ones  🙂

The upside is huge

I have a background in IT and I believe this revolution is here to stay, evolving continuously into an even tighter dependency on computers. Artificial intelligence is knocking on our front door and humanity is in for some very serious questions regarding the future of our species.

Both using and understanding information technology, already is, and will be an increasingly important tool and whatever happens our kids will need to relate to and understand computers.

In our family we’ve been able to simplify our everyday lives significantly with the use of IT. Everything from sharing a calendar, so we don’t miss important events, to a family chat to be able to reach the entire family at once. Shopping lists and to do’s as well as shared storage for photos and videos of our memories. We use Facetime to keep close even when we’re physically apart.

School has caught on and nowadays we get all correspondence online, both information to us parents as well as homework and reports. There are also really smart Apps for learning things like increasing your memory capability, play the piano and speak foreign languages.

The upside is huge and I believe in moving forward instead of trying to hold on to the past and wishing for the (better or worse?) old days.

However I’m still not completely at ease with how we manage our screen time.. not when it comes to the kids and actually not when it comes to me neither.

Loosing myself in an inverted time warp called World of Warcraft

My dad, who’s been in the IT business since I was little, brought home our very first computer. It was from work, I believe an IBM 286, and with it came the introduction of computer games. Space quest, Tetris and Prince of Persia made their way into my heart. I spent hours playing, completely hocked. I couldn’t fall asleep because of the images of falling blocks that needed to be turned just right.

At some point I believe my parents limited my access to the games, or I lost interest, and it wasn’t until in my early twenties that I picked it up again. This time it was Age of Empires, and later World of Warcraft, that caught my attention. I was completely drawn into this world, doubly encouraged since all my friends were playing as well.

When the third expansion of World of Warcraft came out I started to lose interest. I remember doing the estimation on how much money Blizzard was making every month. There was a monthly fee times all the current amount of users. I realized what a gold mine they’d found and that a whole lot of that money went back into making sure people stayed interested in the game. All that money going to people that were experts at human behavior and knew exactly what buttons to push to ensure you kept playing month after month.

How many hours of my life was I spending in an alternate reality, lost to the world around me? Sure there are benefits. Thinking strategically, managing your stress levels, motor control, learning the weirdest words in a foreign language. But when Monday comes and you’re wondering what happened to your entire weekend you start thinking that life isn’t going so well.

How dependent are you on your phone?

I recently installed an App called “Moment” on my phone. It tracks your usage and gives you a daily report on your behavior. It’s been worrying and sobering to realize how often I pick up my phone.

It depends on what and why

You can do anything in excess they say. I guess that goes for screen time allowances as well. Should you set a time limit for yourself and your children? Control what they watch? I believe yes and yes, no matter how educational the activity there should be a time limit that ensures some physical action as well. Keeping an eye on what they watch and do online is a security measure. But the big one to keep an eye on, I believe, is “why?”. Why is your child engaging in online activities?

Maybe these questions might help you decide if you need to implement changes in your family. To make it a bit easier I’d make the answers to these questions binary.

  • Does your child use the online time to avoid living life?
  • Does she become anxious without a screen present?
  • Is she using the online world to replace a boring or frightening real one?
  • Is she dodging responsibilities or endangering her health?

Children always look to us for guidance, on how to live life, by watching us live our own. How much time do you spend online and why are you doing it? Turn the questions towards yourself and try answering them as honest as you can.

BeBrave

Is resting a waste of time or crucial for your success?

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Resting

“I’ll spend long days in my hammock just resting and doing absolutely nothing!”

It was the answer I got when I asked a colleague how she was going to spend her vacation. In a few heart beats I went through emotions and thoughts ranging from envy to judgement to hope and ending up in gratitude. In just that short sentence she’d freed me up to consider resting as a completely reasonable and valid choice.

Be mindful of the definition of the “what” you choose to do

Resting has always had a negative connotation to me. That is because resting has been anchored to sitting still, watching TV, maybe drinking some wine and enjoying a respite from life’s perceived “musts”. Someone said watching TV was a way to escape the goals they never set. Sitting still watching TV or talking about nonsense made my nerves stand on edge. I got irritable, tense and eventually I had to get up and do something.

One might think this has served me well. Avoiding TV and getting things done would appear to be an irrefutable good thing. It also resonates with the high achievers mantra of “always working hard and long”. But resting is crucial for long term success. If you don’t let your body, mind and soul rest and recharge you will break sooner or later. Always pushing works for a really long time, right up until it doesn’t any more. And then when you fall you fall hard.

I needed to change my view on resting. The first change was the definition of the activity in itself. It needed to be changed from “wasting time” to “loving and caring for myself”. The second was to change the actual activity I was doing while I was resting. I couldn’t get watching inane TV shows to mean I was loving myself no matter how hard I tried.

What does the word resting trigger within you?

My colleague at work, who was planning to spend a week or two in her hammock, is someone I know and respect. She delivers high value, she works hard and committed and I admire her. When she, with such certainty and obviousness, gave herself permission, to do what outwardly appeared as nothing, she led the way for me. All of a sudden I could look at my life and consider what resting would mean to me.

How about you? Do you get enough rest in your life? What would be a truly restorative activity for you? It’s not always easy to uncover since it can be very different depending on the individual and on the circumstances. Sometimes there’s an available shortcut to finding out things about yourself by using your feelings towards your peer group.

Close your eyes and picture someone you love being in trouble due to high stress levels and too little rest. Imagine this person not being aware of the need for rest and not seeing the limit of burn out drawing near. If you were to recommend this person some rest, what would you suggest as a truly resting activity?

Active rest is a good start

After redefining rest into something that was necessary, and as taking care of myself, I worked on finding the right resting activities for me.

For a time “active resting” became my crutch. Active rest means you stop whatever you’re doing and switch into something else that is still active. For example going to the gym or cleaning your house. I told myself that I was resting while I still got things done and still felt productive. It was working well for me for a long time but eventually the activities I chose wouldn’t restore me anymore. I’d feel increasingly tired and no matter how much I slept I would still wake up without energy. I came to accept that there were still some layers to this resting idea.

You need to restore yourself both physically and mentally. Sometimes your body needs actual sleep and stillness. Laying down, breathing deeply and calmly will start the repairing processes in your body. The same goes for your mind. If you spend most of your day trying to solve problems, analyzing situations and making tough decisions your mind needs time to center back into stillness.

Rest yourself into success

If you want to argue, that you don’t have time to rest, then think about the time you’ll be wasting when you’ve burned out. Also consider how much smarter you are when you are at your best. Making smarter decisions and working on the right things will move you forward faster than just grinding away at random things.

There’s another argument for resting properly. The feelings you experience on a daily basis will determine how you perceive the quality of your life. If you spend every day on the edge of energy deficit you will soon start to perceive your life as too tough and tiresome. It’s just no fun living without energy and vitality.

How would your life change if you made resting a natural part of you day and as a result you freed up more energy?

BeBrave

Teaching children the value of managing money

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Value

At what age is it proper to start to talk about finances and the value of money with your children? Should you talk about it at all? How much or little of it is appropriate to let your children manage at what age?

Do you want your children to live in financial abundance? Make sure that you know your own subconscious beliefs about money before trying to impact your younglings.

Make it a subject to research at home

When I started learning about personal development, and devoting myself to becoming the best version of me that I can be, I started setting goals. A few of those goals where in the financial area. I’ve gone slow but steadily forward moving from increasing the hourly fee I charge for my consultancy business to becoming debt free and learning about and creating passive income.

I threw myself into understanding money, how to earn it, keep it and make it grow. It’s been like going back to school but immeasurably more fun since this time I have strong reasons for learning. Everything I’ve learnt has led to even more areas to explore and to dive deeper into. As I’ve begun to see the real life value of understanding this area I’ve felt an increasing frustration of not having learnt about this before. Why isn’t this subject taught at elementary school?

I decided to make money and financial abundance a subject that we should explore at home. I wanted to create a structure for my own learning as well as for my kids’ and I began with defining a number of categories to investigate with my children.

Categories regarding money to research with my kids:

  • Mindset about money – Abundance and generosity
  • Financial literacy – getting comfortable talking in terms of money
  • The value of money and “Need vs Want”
  • Self-reliance – responsibility and the ability to plan
  • Creating, keeping and making money grow

Learning about the value of money

One of categories we explored early on was around The value of money. At what price is the price considered high or low? Who and what decides what the price should be and what is the actual price for different things?

My girls has gotten an allowance since they were old enough to reach the cashier at the store. It’s been a very small amount and we’ve given it to them weekly. A month is an eternity for small children and since their brains haven’t developed enough to judge consequences properly we thought a weekly amount would be best. Otherwise I think they’d spend all the money at once and then spend the rest of the month nagging us for when the next allowance was due.

In the beginning they could spend their allowance on whatever they wanted. We spent time in the store looking at the price tags and helping out with the math. “I want this!”, “Okey Sweetie, can you afford it?”. As they were growing older they started reflecting on how different the prices were and they started asking “Is this expensive or cheap?”. There were some interesting conversations about if they thought it was worth the price or not. Getting 5 pieces of chocolate versus the comic book with the puzzles and the toys… what to do what to do??..

We learnt that a price can be high for one person but low to another depending on how much you want it and how available the item is. If you can’t find that specific football card in any store close to home then it might be worth a higher price once you get to go to the store in the city.

Learning about supply and demand

Every summer there is a festival close to where we live. For a day the entire park, just meters from our apartment, is filled with people having a good time. There are live bands playing music and food tents selling fast food. Every year the festival draw street performers and small scale entrepreneurs looking to make some profit on the crowd that has gathered.

Booth sale

One year our daughters decided they wanted to try their luck and they asked for our help in setting up a small booth. They brought all the toys they considered themselves too old to play with anymore, small paper notes to write the prices on and on our suggestion a box to keep the money in. Apart from toys we also went to the store and bought a large bag of small individualized candy packs. The price for the entire bag was pretty expensive to our young entrepreneurs and they weren’t all that happy about lending the money to be able to buy it.

They soon realized that the small packs of candy was a gold mine. Kids drawn to the table, by all the toys, were off course immediately asking their parents if they could have some candy. The individual packs sold at a really good price since this was the only place in all the park that sold candy.

As the day progressed they got more and more into sales and shifted from standing timidly behind the table to targeting people walking by with questions and promoting the merchandise.

Replay the day and take reinforce the lessons

One of our most important jobs as parents, I believe, is to track our children’s progress and learning and make it visible and known to them. Realizing that you now know more or can do something you couldn’t before are building blocks for self-esteem and it nurtures the will to learn even more.

Knowledge has a way of sneaking up on you without heralding its presence. If you don’t keep track on your progress you might risk missing it altogether. I use a journal to keep track on my own progress and I revisit chapters from earlier months and years continuously to reflect on possible growth and development. One way to help our kids to recognize their new skills is to replay the day and talk through the things that has happened.

When our girls were done with their first entrepreneurial effort we helped them summarize and reflect. They paid us back the price for the initial investment and calculated their end results. They did a nice profit and we reflected on the day. How did they decide on the sell-price for different things? Was there any bargaining during the day? Was it easy to get customers? What was the actual profit? What made it possible to sell the candy at such a higher price than what they invested in the first place? How did it feel to sell? What was the total experience of the day?

Make a plan for your family’s skillset within the financial area

What areas within finances would you like to learn more of for yourself? Is it keeping a ledger, making a budget, exploring online marketing or even trading with stocks? What concepts could benefit your children? Take some time to reflect on what small experiments you could run together to start teaching them and yourself about one of the more potent sources of influence and independence.

See future posts for more ideas about teaching children about earning, keeping and making money grow.

BeBrave

Gossip – a way to connect?

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Gossip

Does your family engage in gossip? What is gossip and what purpose does it serve?

Has someone ever, with a hushed voice, told you “You know what I just found out?!” followed by a description of a situation where someone you know has been through something embarrassing or terrible? What feelings were you left with? Did you feel happy you got in on a secret and like you were part of a selected few?

Maybe you were left with an uneasy feeling. A tough decision of how to act toward that person now that you knew something about them that they hadn’t told you themselves? If you think back to it, how did you feel about the person telling you the gossip?

Gossip – when it’s bad

What is gossip? I’m talking about the definition where person A is talking about person C with person B without person C knowing about it. The talk is usually about something that person C wouldn’t appreciate people talking about. Gossiping can be a form of bullying and adults do it as well as children. There’s a scale from a more wide spread culturally approved level where you talk about celebrities or other public figures to intentionally spreading evil rumors with the intention to hurt people.

Using gossip as a way to test our values and beliefs

Is talking about other people, without them knowing, always bad?

I’ve spent my fair share of hours, growing up, talking to my friends and family about other people. I think it’s been a way to find myself and who I am in relations to other people.

A way to explore the beliefs of the person I’m talking to; What are your values, what do you think is appropriate and what behavior can’t you stand? If I told you a story about what someone else had done what would your reaction be? Would you show dislike or repulsion? Would you be tolerant and try to look at the situation from a more forgiving or positive angle?

If I told you about something possibly bad someone did would you display compassion or contempt? Your reaction would tell me your values and how to act and not act in relation to you. It’d teach me what behaviors you would accept and what, if anything, could make you reject me. If I respected your opinion I might have taken your reaction to heart and even adopt the same value system.

Is describing a situation you were part of gossip?

Sometimes things happen, where you were involved, and later on you want to talk to someone about it. You might turn to a trusted friend or family member to get their opinion on who was right or wrong or how you should manage the situation going forward. Is that gossiping?

I’d argue that it depends on how you describe the situation and what your focus is. When the person, who was part of the situation, isn’t there to tell her/his side of the story you can only be sure of one thing – you don’t have all the facts. The story you tell is your story about what has happened.

I grew up in a family that seldom let me get away with blaming other people for my problems. If I was somehow involved in a situation the focus was usually shifted to my actions and my decisions and on what I wanted to do next.

I’d come home and describe how a teacher did this or that terrible thing and my mom or dad would listen and then invariably ask me about my part of the story.

The question is why you tell the story in the first place. Are you in need of reassurance? That the teacher was an ass and you were entitled to be angry or feeling like you’d been victimized or to retaliate the way you did? Are you looking for your parents’ reactions to the teacher and/or you – trying to learn what is okay and not in this world? Or are you trying to get help with managing a situation that has gotten out of hand?

How you talk about others is how you’ll talk about me

Think back to a situation when someone told you something you knew they weren’t supposed to tell you. How do you feel towards that person? Would you trust that person with your secrets? We often don’t realize that how we communicate about others is how people will learn to expect us to communicate about them. If we talk badly about someone the people that we’re talking to will subconsciously expect us to talk about them in the same manner when they’re not around.

When we talk about someone else in a demeaning or frustrating manner we teach the people listening that they could also be the source of our contempt or anger. Our children listen to what we say and they don’t separate themselves from other people.

When kids gossip you get an opportunity to prove your love and connection

Imagine when your child brings home gossip or tell you a story of how they’ve been victimized. Now you’ve an important opportunity to prove you values and your connection to that child. Your reaction to “that other person” will tell your child how you would react to HER/HIM and also how you would talk about her/his mistake to others.

My daughters are old enough to understand some aspects of world politics. When Mr. Trump was elected president many people around us, myself included, was bewildered and somewhat chocked. The rhetoric was filled with animosity and ill will in a way that made it hard to resist talking badly about him. Yet however crazy we think that man is acting we need to talk about him in a respectful manner. Not for his sake, for our own.

When I participate in gossip about how stupid, evil or clumsy someone is I’m teaching my children that I believe that people can BE that way. I enforce the fear in my kids that they could actually do something to risk become the target for my disdain.

Put your story through a simple test

What are your current values regarding gossip and talking about other people? Could your family use an even deeper connection and trust with each other? What would happen if you agreed on the following value?

“Only say things about someone that you would say if that person was present in the room.”

This simple test will make you tell your stories in a respectful manner, it will make you consider what words you choose and force you to look at a situation from both sides right from the start.

When your children starts to tell you a story about someone who isn’t in the room ask that they take a moment and think the situation through. Then ask them to tell you about the situation as if that person was there listening. Afterwards ask if the child thinks that that other person would agree on the version that was given.

This might help you figure out why your child is telling you the story in the first place and how you best can support her and demonstrate your love and trust.

And hey.. while you’re at it. Put your own stories, about things that have happened, through the same test; would you describe the situation in the same manner if you were describing it to the one it involves?

BeBrave

Igniting intrinsic motivation for learning

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Igniting

Humans can perform the most amazing feats. Build constructions that rival mountains, send people to the moon and create a way to connect people all over the world in an instant. Individuals have made gravity seam optional, composed music and created art that can move you beyond words and worked their gifts into levels of mastery. What is it that makes one human dedicate her life to mastering the world and another to fade quietly into history?

Spark the light of intrinsic motivation

I believe the motivation must come from the inside for someone to be able to reach mastery in any endeavor. I believe the foundations for intrinsic motivation is a growth mindset combined with the ability to break goals down into specific skills needed to achieve those goals.

So how do you motivate a child into intrinsic motivation? The idea sounds a contradiction in terms, right? There is off course many ways, one is to live these concepts yourself. How often do you define a new skill set or a knowledge gap you need to close and actively go after acquiring them?

Treasure chest

Another way is to tell a story. Stories have a way of seeping into your subconscious without you even noticing it and children are especially susceptible to it.

Maybe you could sit down with your child and tell her/him the story of the treasure chest that you can find on MotherOfLions webpage. It’s written to spark imagination as well as inspire a drive for learning.

Your children want to please you

Humans have an inherent will to please those that are part of their tribe, family. It’s been a good strategy for survival to keep those around you happy with your presence. Children are especially susceptible to the opinion of their parents who they spend so much of their defining years closest to. So, kids are inclined to go to great length to please their parents.

That means that you can actually influence them very far when it comes to achieving goals. The possibility to earn your praise can give them enormous motivation. I bet you’ve seen people work their butts off trying to please this or that parent. High achievers that credit their parents’ tough love approach for giving the motivation needed for those long hours of hard work.

But I believe that nothing beats the kind of motivation that comes from the inside. The kind that is personal but based on a positive and pleasurable need and desire. When you really want something, for your own sake, you get an additional pull that will get you through even the toughest or most boring challenges that comes with going after important goals.

Progress is a key to motivation

Knowing that you’re “on your way towards something you want”, that you’re making progress, will often give you a really good feeling. You might have just started learning a new skill, still be at a true beginner level. You might even know how many grueling hours of practice you have in front of you now that you’ve gotten started and realized all the nuances needed. But having started and being aware of making progress gives you energy and power to continue.

Can you help your child define what skills she/he needs to learn to be able to do something she/he really wants to do? What does your child enjoy doing? Maybe drawing, writing, hanging out with friends, riding the bike, singing, skiing? Whatever it is, skills are a huge part of enjoying it fully. Mastery brings joy and confidence and also creates passion.

When you’ve identified a skill it’s time to break it down into learnable/practice’able pieces. There are elements to everything. My father has taught my daughters how to ice skate. He is a skilled skater himself but also a very good teacher. He is consciously aware of his knowledge and can translate it into itty bitty pieces of skills that are learnable. Getting the skates on, learning to stand up, learning to fall without hurting yourself to much, bending the knees, turning the feet just right when taking off… the list of details goes on and on.

Life is a game and it’s time to level up

If you can teach them the value of acquiring skills and help them break their personal dreams down into bite sized pieces they are well on their way to develop intrinsic motivation. Start with something relatively easy so they quickly realize it’s true that they have the ability to gain skills that are useful. Once you understand that everything you want is on the other side of figuring out what skills you need and going out to get it, life becomes a fun game 😊

Remember to role model this behavior for them as often as possible. If you haven’t learnt anything new lately maybe it’s time to rediscover the joy of challenging your body and brain. It’s scary sometimes but oh so worth it!

BeBrave

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