Family Conflicts

Pick the best moment to avoid unnecessary conflict

, , , 0

Moment

The first thing greeting you when you walk in the door is a heap of shoes, a couple of backpacks and jackets sprawled over the floor. Depending on your mood at this moment your reactions might scale from simply stepping over the mess to completely losing control and start screaming out loud. Is it possible, in a family with children, to have a tidy hallway without conflict?

Sometimes my family drives me nuts

Clothes in the hallway and personal things strewn over the counter tops in the kitchen is one thing. Another is in the mornings, when we’re in a hurry to get going, and someone just now realizes that the gym clothes hasn’t been washed or that this or that important thing can’t be found.

Or how about when it’s time for bed and you walk in expecting (hoping? praying?) to find your daughter in bed waiting for her bedtime story. You’d hoped she’d brushed her teeth, gotten undressed and was already snuggled down in bed. And there she is, toys all over the floor, immersed in play. You know you have another 20 minutes of preparing before you’re in reading mode. There went your 20 minutes to yourself before you have to be in bed yourself…

These situations become conflicts when they’re combined with a perceived lack of time. If we have to be somewhere at a certain time or if it’s my “alone time” being compromised.

Logistical conflicts is one source but the thing that trigger most conflict in my life, these days, is people’s tone of voice. The other night my daughter wanted me to help her with her English homework. She was tired and stressed and when I didn’t just say “everything looks okay, well done” she snapped at my suggestions. Another typical tone-of-voice-based conflict is when we have to go buy clothes or shoes. Neither of my girls likes shopping (I know what you’re thinking, “Be grateful for that! It’ll change!” ;)) so when we have to, they almost always drag their feet and mumble.

A third area of possible conflict is when it comes to limiting screen time.

What is the desired result?

So far I’ve listed a number of clearly defined situations where conflict comes up in our family setting. If you think about it, could you also make a list of such situations that happen in your family? Every family is unique so the specific situations will be unique to you. There are some basic areas that come up for most families but it’s in the specific details that you’ll find the power to really impact your life.

When you have a list, now it’s time to dream. What would be the best scenario for each situation? What is your dream goal? Remember to dream big and to include all family member’s perspectives.

Ask yourself;

  • What would be the most amazing outcome for me in this situation?
  • What would be the most amazing outcome for my children in this situation?
  • Since you’re in this together, what are some compromises that you can already see would be acceptable for you?

For me I’d really love it if the hallway was tidy when I come home from work. I SO appreciate calm and stress free mornings where I don’t have to remind my children about anything. Walking them to school when we’re in a good mood and have time to talk and connect is wonderful. I also love helping them with their homework, I really do. When there’s time to do it properly and with a playful feeling. Lying next to them, talking, before they fall asleep is one of my favorite times of my day – but it becomes a guilt filled burden when they’re not in bed “on time” and lying next to them will mean no adult alone time for me that night.

How can you avoid everyday situations turning into conflict?

So now you have a list of situation that come up in your family setting that create conflict. You also have a pretty good idea of how the ideal situations would look like. So how do you go about changing? It’s simple but not easy. J There’s a foundational set-the-stage kind of activity to do and there’s a habit of managing your anger in the moment to learn.

Setting the stage – preparing for avoiding conflict

Having conflict in a family is tough on everyone involved. It’s not just you that get badly impacted when you get irritated or angry. Clothes on the floor might not be a problem for your child but having an angry mom definitely is. And even if the mom keeps her anger to herself, she’s likely not connecting with love to that child. So when someone in your family have a problem with something, all of you are effected.

No one likes conflict and children will cooperate to avoid it if given the right tools. When you know of a situation that create conflict you can decide beforehand on how to manage it. You can agree on a strategy, try it out and adjust if needed, until you find something that works for you.

Here’s the most important advice: Don’t try to come up with a strategy during the actual situation. Wait until all feelings are calmed and there’s no risk of anyone feeling judged or criticized.

As parents, do your homework before inviting the children into the conversation. It’s paramount that you agree on the dream situation, on what compromises you can live with, and that you support each other. Then plan for how to approach the subject. What will be the best time to gather your family to have this conversation? Everyone should feel that they have time, that they’re safe and valued and that their perspective is going to be heard. Think through why you want to talk.

Make sure that this conversation isn’t perceived as a conflict in itself. The feeling and atmosphere of this meeting/dialogue should be one of curiosity, care and a shared will to contribute to a gorgeous family.

When conflict hits you in the face

Setting the stage and agreeing on your family strategy for avoiding and working through conflict is one thing. But we’re all a work in progress and since children, and adults, change over time new conflicts arise. Also, regardless of how thoughtfully you’ve worked out your strategies, some days will trigger you more than others. Life happens. You’ll have slept too little, someone might be turning sick or be emotionally hurting and all of a sudden your strategy isn’t working.

In those moments it’s helpful to have a short term strategy in place. I know it might sound impossible to have a strategy for how to act when your agreed upon strategy isn’t working. But this strategy is different. It’s your personal strategy for managing yourself when the family strategy for this situation isn’t working or isn’t in place yet.

The personal strategy for managing conflict

  • Step 1. Practice turning an angry thought into a genuine compliment. In the moment, when you get angry, the first priority is to get out of that limiting feeling. The necessity to address the conflict is still as valid and should not be ignored, see step 2, but getting back to an empowering feeling comes first.
    Don’t fake a compliment. Breathe and remind yourself of something you actually love or appreciate about the other person. Say it like you mean it.
    This will result in two things; you will have remembered a true positive feeling which your brain will act upon and make come true in your body and the one you’re talking to will feel appreciated and open up towards you.
  • Step 2. Make a note to yourself about the situation. If you don’t write this down you will forget about the details. Describe what happened, what you were upset about, how and what someone said and how you interpreted it.
  • Step 3. Own the responsibility for picking a good moment to talk about what has happened and coming up with a family strategy. You might feel that it’s unnecessary to bring it up when it’s “already over” but chances are that the situation will come up again if you don’t address it. Also everyone will learn to understand each other better if we invite them to hear about our experience. Your children want you to be happy and to feel loved. But how can they understand how to treat you if you don’t explain your preferences and your triggers?

A final note on the personal strategy; When you mess up and get angry at your family – which will happen – use that opportunity to demonstrate what owning your shit looks like. Say you’re sorry and rebuild the connection.

BeBrave

Arm your child with the ability to shield herself from anger

, , , , , 0

Anger

“Mom, I don’t like my teacher anymore!” Her comment took me by surprise since I knew she’d been really enthusiastic over the new teacher all year long. I asked her what was going on and she explained that there were some trouble makers in school. The situation had worsened lately and the teacher is often angry in class. She knew she wasn’t the intended target, and that she’d done nothing wrong, but she still felt his irritation get to her. “I feel really sad and guilty when he gets angry, even when it’s not at me”.

Is your child impacted when someone displays anger even when it’s not directed straight at her?

The frequency of emotions

When you have a thought and give it a meaning it will trigger an accompanying emotion. This emotion is felt in your body as energy. It is in fact, now scientifically proven, energy emitted in the form of a frequency wave. The statement “the tension in the room was palpable” is not just a saying anymore. If you test it on yourself you’ll realize what difference there is in feeling different emotions. Imagine being exhilarated and enthusiastic and pay attention to how light this feeling feels. Now compare it to how you feel when you step into anger or jealousy. The negative emotions has a lower frequency and draws you down closer to matter than the more energy filled positive emotions.

Someone who is holding in anger, consciously or out of habit, hiding it behind a forced smile will still be sending at the anger frequency. Since the person isn’t displaying the feeling outwardly people around them will start to feel uneasy. To a child this will feel like an approaching thunder storm, they will prepare for lightning to strike from a clear sky. And lightning is loud and scary.

When anger comes from within the family

As parents we are the first line of reason that children use to make sense of the world. They turn to us to test how to react to the daily situations they’re subjected to. They rely on us as a source of comfort and support. When children get scared they count on us to tell them it’s okay. They need us to hold them and to help them calm back down. We are the ones reassuring them that whatever happens they are never at risk of being abandoned to manage for themselves.

By talking through tough situations, with a trusted adult, children can make sense of scary situations, understand and let go of them. Children rely on us to help them handle other people’s anger. So it’s a double burden on them when the anger comes from us. Not only are they subjected to thunder and lightning at home, the place where they should be completely safe, they’ve also lost the help to unravel the tangled emotions that brings.

Children are naturally egocentric and make everything about themselves. If their parent is upset it’s more than likely that the child will believe it’s their fault. That somehow they’re the cause of the upset, anger or frustration. Children of easily angered parents will often try to find solutions to reduce the risk of that anger. Some become hypersensitive and shy, others start acting like a clown. Some do everything they possibly can to “be good” and do “the right thing”

So what can you do?

If your child is effected by other people’s anger, there are some tricks you can teach her. The first thing is to help her figure out if the situation really was directed at her. I believe in arming my children with the knowledge of how their brain works so I’ve literally told them about how they will have a bias towards feeling that everything is their fault.

By understanding how their own brain works they can find it easier to distance themselves from the situation. Tell your child to prepare for the next time someone gets angry around her. Tell her to start by asking herself if the anger is really directed at her. If it’s not, then instruct her to make a move with her arm as if something passes over her head and to say out loud-  “It’s not aimed at me! It’s swishing by! Swish!”

shield

I’ve also told my daughter about her “magic shield”. If she feels anger, or any other uncomfortable feeling emanating from someone, she can push the button. It’s placed in the center of her chest, activating a magic, invisible shield around her entire body. The shield is like an umbrella, impenetrable, keeping the storm and rain out and her safe and dry inside.

Depending on the age and maturity of the child, as well as the severity of the situations she’s impacted by, you can develop the story of the shield.

The use of the story is off course only advisable as a complement to making sure she’s safe. If there’s someone who repeatedly fires outbursts of anger around her it might be better to remove her from that situation. If the situations are less frequent and manageable with the help of the shield then the story has a valuable part 2.

The shield can do more than keep you safe

People do the best they can under the circumstances they’re in. I truly believe that and I try my best to teach this life view to my children. As a consequence I believe that people aren’t bad, only that they make bad decisions. Choosing to think this way gives me power to stay open to people that are acting badly. I don’t close myself of in defense so it’s easier to stay smart. This helps me to imagine the hidden pain that might be the reason for the anger.

If your child has learnt to differ between the idea of understanding people so she can stay smart, versus letting people be mean to her, you can add translation magic to the shield.

If you listen closely the shield will translate the angry words into the real reasons to why someone is angry. Angry words like “Gah, why did you have to spill that glass of water!? You are so clumsy!” is translated to “Gah! I’m sooo tired and stressed about work tonight and my back hurts and I just can’t bear getting down mopping that right now.”

Understanding why someone is angry doesn’t excuse the behavior and it’s always important to support your child in standing up for herself. Encourage her to be clear about her boundaries.

If you need help with managing your anger

If you know you have trouble keeping your own thunder and lightning at bay, I encourage you do everything in your power to change. And while you’re improving your ability to keep your cool, you can lower the negative impact on your children, by talking about it. If you let them in on what’s going on, ask for forgiveness when and if you fail, you’re all of a sudden on the plus side. Not only are you stepping up as the responsible parent taking full ownership of your mess, you’re also demonstrating how to ask for forgiveness.

All of us mess up! We’re all a work in progress. When we know and can do better I believe we do. Don’t let anger live within the walls of your home.

BeBrave

Limiting Screen time – Addiction – Let’s dive deeper

, , , , 0

Addiction

Is your child addicted to a screen?

When I hear the word ”addiction” I picture alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs. In the recent years I’ve also added sugar to the list. Now there’s another factor that is worth keeping a vigilant eye on. Online addiction. Humans are arguably the most adaptable spicies on this planet but our bodies and brains weren’t created to change as fast as our world has changed in the last decades.

Spending time online is highly addictive

The relatively new term in marketing strategies, “gamification”, describes the theory of making something more enjoyable and addictive to humans. We love playing, and when we feel we’re getting better, finishing a new challenge, unlocking a new and more difficult level or just getting another gold star, we don’t stop to question the activity itself. We’re moved into flow and completely lose track of time.

The amount of money spent to capture and keep our attention is staggering. I did some research (online off course ;p) and according to statista.com the value of the worldwide gamification market was at 4.91 billion USD in 2016 with an expected growth to 12 billion in 2021.

It’s not just games that create addiction online. Our bodies were created to ensure we survive and one of the mechanisms is to reward the activity to look for things. To engage in finding things. If you’ve ever spent time in the woods looking for mushrooms or berries you know the rewarding exhilarating feeling you get when you finally find those treasures.

Browsing online lights your brain up in the same way. You get a chemical rush of endorphins released in your body whenever you “find” something interesting. Unfortunately the brain hasn’t caught up to differentiate between the findings. Fun movies of cats are rewarded the same way as essential food sources would be.

Limiting screen time – it’s up to you as a parent

Making sure you know What your child is doing online as well as answering the tough question of Why she spends time there is important. The internet shouldn’t be used to avoid or hide from your life. If it is then maybe it’s time to step back and look for alternatives.

There are arguments for limiting screen time even when the reasons to why your child is online are completely valid.

Without the knowledge of how our brains work in an online setting, and the understanding of how people act differently online, a child is defenseless. As an adult you can step back and realize the impact you’re having on your life. But the brain of a child isn’t ready to predict the consequences nor is it prepared to resist the biology of the reward system..

I’ve heard someone go as far as to likening letting a child surf online alone is like leaving her alone in a bar. There is no way for a child to understand why people are acting so different from how they would in a normal setting. The undercurrent of sex and mindlessly losing control is subconscious and hard to become aware of.

Some early signals to watch out for would be if she shows concern or worry if the tablet/phone isn’t around or if the battery is about to expire without there being a chance to charge nearby. She might turn down fun activities in exchange for time online or she might start to feel really frustrated when faced with some time without access to the internet. Being bored might start to feel really bad.

Approaching a change in screen time allowance

As with any change, especially those that might be perceived as a change for the worse, define when it would be a good time to talk about it.

Imagining spending two summer weeks in a small house with four children ages between 8 and 14. Say that these kids can’t leave the property, on their own, due to highly trafficked streets which rules out all activities such as exploring and playing outside the immediate property. Add to the mix a very warm air temperature that leaves the entire family on edge and parents that were looking forward to some relaxing and joyful days and now are trying to come to terms with that shattered illusion.

Is this an advisable time to introduce a limit on screen time? Maybe or maybe not. I guess it depends on your ability to muster your own energy and lead with love, laughter and certainty. I sure wasn’t in that place this past summer hence our children got noticeably more screen time than I would have accepted in other circumstances.

Pick your moment and think through the conversation before you engage in it. Limiting the supply of “drugs” for someone with online addiction, be it mild or extreme, won’t be met with immediate acceptance and joy. The strategy could be different depending on the age and level of maturity of your child.

Small children need clear guidelines

For smaller children it’s best to set a limit and stick by it. You might invite the child to participate in some part of the decision but you set the hard limits. You might say “we have a new rule for our family. We’re going to be using the tablet/phone/TV for a maximum of two hours every day. Which is best for you, would you prefer to have your time in the afternoon when you get home from school or is it better after dinner?”

My youngest daughter made me acutely aware of the level of addiction that the online world brings and of how hard it is to avoid. I hinted and huffed about her constant online presence this summer and at one point she had had enough. She literally said; “Mom, if you want me to use the Ipad less then give me a rule to follow. Don’t nag me all the time, you’re only making me feel guilty and bad!”

She wanted a rule to stick to. She knew it would help her stay away from the Ipad and she knew that during the time she was allowed to use it she would enjoy it instead of feeling bad about it. And she knew she could set that rule herself.

Older children will benefit from being more active in the decision

It’s important to include children in the decision as they grow older. Sooner or later they need to become self-reliant and learn to control this possible drug for themselves.

Tell them about the brain and talk about what addiction is. Explain that it’s not a matter of being strong and it’s not a question of if you trust them or not. It’s about chemistry and biology and it effects everyone. It’s something that everyone must learn about and keep an eye on.

They might think that “you’re overbearing or too old to understand the way the world works today”. Don’t fall into the trap of arguing about it. Keep with the facts and research and tell them to make a plan that you can talk through.

“I want you to go online (I know.. online… ;p) and research two areas; the risks of online addiction and what addiction is and does to the human brain. I want you to present your findings to me and I want you to show me how you plan to avoid it and also what early signs you’re going to look for.”

Talk through the plan together. When it comes to serious matters like addiction, you, as the parent, is still foremost responsible for the outcome. Agree on the best way for how you will supervise and how the both of you will check up on this issue regularly.

Always keep an eye on your own actions. Maybe your teenagers plan works as well for yourself? 🙂

BeBrave

Gossip – a way to connect?

, , , 0

Gossip

Does your family engage in gossip? What is gossip and what purpose does it serve?

Has someone ever, with a hushed voice, told you “You know what I just found out?!” followed by a description of a situation where someone you know has been through something embarrassing or terrible? What feelings were you left with? Did you feel happy you got in on a secret and like you were part of a selected few?

Maybe you were left with an uneasy feeling. A tough decision of how to act toward that person now that you knew something about them that they hadn’t told you themselves? If you think back to it, how did you feel about the person telling you the gossip?

Gossip – when it’s bad

What is gossip? I’m talking about the definition where person A is talking about person C with person B without person C knowing about it. The talk is usually about something that person C wouldn’t appreciate people talking about. Gossiping can be a form of bullying and adults do it as well as children. There’s a scale from a more wide spread culturally approved level where you talk about celebrities or other public figures to intentionally spreading evil rumors with the intention to hurt people.

Using gossip as a way to test our values and beliefs

Is talking about other people, without them knowing, always bad?

I’ve spent my fair share of hours, growing up, talking to my friends and family about other people. I think it’s been a way to find myself and who I am in relations to other people.

A way to explore the beliefs of the person I’m talking to; What are your values, what do you think is appropriate and what behavior can’t you stand? If I told you a story about what someone else had done what would your reaction be? Would you show dislike or repulsion? Would you be tolerant and try to look at the situation from a more forgiving or positive angle?

If I told you about something possibly bad someone did would you display compassion or contempt? Your reaction would tell me your values and how to act and not act in relation to you. It’d teach me what behaviors you would accept and what, if anything, could make you reject me. If I respected your opinion I might have taken your reaction to heart and even adopt the same value system.

Is describing a situation you were part of gossip?

Sometimes things happen, where you were involved, and later on you want to talk to someone about it. You might turn to a trusted friend or family member to get their opinion on who was right or wrong or how you should manage the situation going forward. Is that gossiping?

I’d argue that it depends on how you describe the situation and what your focus is. When the person, who was part of the situation, isn’t there to tell her/his side of the story you can only be sure of one thing – you don’t have all the facts. The story you tell is your story about what has happened.

I grew up in a family that seldom let me get away with blaming other people for my problems. If I was somehow involved in a situation the focus was usually shifted to my actions and my decisions and on what I wanted to do next.

I’d come home and describe how a teacher did this or that terrible thing and my mom or dad would listen and then invariably ask me about my part of the story.

The question is why you tell the story in the first place. Are you in need of reassurance? That the teacher was an ass and you were entitled to be angry or feeling like you’d been victimized or to retaliate the way you did? Are you looking for your parents’ reactions to the teacher and/or you – trying to learn what is okay and not in this world? Or are you trying to get help with managing a situation that has gotten out of hand?

How you talk about others is how you’ll talk about me

Think back to a situation when someone told you something you knew they weren’t supposed to tell you. How do you feel towards that person? Would you trust that person with your secrets? We often don’t realize that how we communicate about others is how people will learn to expect us to communicate about them. If we talk badly about someone the people that we’re talking to will subconsciously expect us to talk about them in the same manner when they’re not around.

When we talk about someone else in a demeaning or frustrating manner we teach the people listening that they could also be the source of our contempt or anger. Our children listen to what we say and they don’t separate themselves from other people.

When kids gossip you get an opportunity to prove your love and connection

Imagine when your child brings home gossip or tell you a story of how they’ve been victimized. Now you’ve an important opportunity to prove you values and your connection to that child. Your reaction to “that other person” will tell your child how you would react to HER/HIM and also how you would talk about her/his mistake to others.

My daughters are old enough to understand some aspects of world politics. When Mr. Trump was elected president many people around us, myself included, was bewildered and somewhat chocked. The rhetoric was filled with animosity and ill will in a way that made it hard to resist talking badly about him. Yet however crazy we think that man is acting we need to talk about him in a respectful manner. Not for his sake, for our own.

When I participate in gossip about how stupid, evil or clumsy someone is I’m teaching my children that I believe that people can BE that way. I enforce the fear in my kids that they could actually do something to risk become the target for my disdain.

Put your story through a simple test

What are your current values regarding gossip and talking about other people? Could your family use an even deeper connection and trust with each other? What would happen if you agreed on the following value?

“Only say things about someone that you would say if that person was present in the room.”

This simple test will make you tell your stories in a respectful manner, it will make you consider what words you choose and force you to look at a situation from both sides right from the start.

When your children starts to tell you a story about someone who isn’t in the room ask that they take a moment and think the situation through. Then ask them to tell you about the situation as if that person was there listening. Afterwards ask if the child thinks that that other person would agree on the version that was given.

This might help you figure out why your child is telling you the story in the first place and how you best can support her and demonstrate your love and trust.

And hey.. while you’re at it. Put your own stories, about things that have happened, through the same test; would you describe the situation in the same manner if you were describing it to the one it involves?

BeBrave

Win the family morning to win your day – Morning routines

, , , , 0

Morning routines

There is a lot of advice online about creating successful morning routines. The theory is that if you have a good morning you get momentum that will carry through the entire day. Generally the advice include time for meditation, journaling on gratitude, goalsetting and physical workouts. The term “win the morning to win your day” is everywhere. What does winning a morning look like with kids?

Zoom into a busy family morning: Dad is cleaning the kitchen after breakfast as well as loudly reminding the kids to pack their gym bags for school. Mom’s rummaging around looking for the charger to the computer, hollering that “the car will be leaving in 5 minutes so everyone better get dressed”. Kids getting caught up in brushing teeth and hair as well as all having to go to the bathroom at the same exact moment. Was it today the kids needed an extra change of clothes to school? Who is going to go to the dentist appointment with the youngest? Where is the homework that needs to be handed in today? “Why aren’t any of the trousers I can actually wear clean?”

I used to spend my mornings in some version of that chaos. I felt I was always a step behind, stressed and overwhelmed and wondered if this was it?

We were far from the connection and feeling of cooperation I’d envisioned for my family. I’d get into constant battles with my girls and we’d leave for work and school in a bad mood towards each other. I’d spend the whole commute to work feeling guilty and regretting all the nagging. Worrying that they’d be feeling sad or unloved. “Will they be able to focus on school today?” “Why can’t they just get going in the mornings?”

There must be a better way

I sat there, once again exhausted and frustrated, on the subway and I noticed a mother with her two kids sitting across from me. One child on her lap nibbling a sandwich. The other sitting next to her, watching the people around them, asking her mom about this and that. They were talking and laughing, being present and enjoying each other’s company.

I thought; “Awe, I wish we could start our mornings with that feeling!” and then I got really curious. What had they been doing before now to get into the calm and happy mood they were in? What would have to be different in our morning routine to get into that state? How much better wouldn’t our lives be if we could make it work? Would my daughters be willing to make the changes needed?

Make it a family decision

I was pretty sure my girls would be as excited about not hearing me nag them as I was about not having to do it. But what changes would make it possible? I decided to ask them.

I tried to paint a picture that would inspire them. “Imagine having a morning without nagging or stress, a morning where we have time to laugh and can sit and eat our breakfast together. I would so love to have time to give you a huge hug when I leave you off at school. Wouldn’t it be nice to leave for school in the morning without feeling angry? What if we could walk to school without worrying about being late? Maybe even stop by the park and see how far you could balance on the rail every morning?”

They were on!

We talked about what we needed to do to make it work.

I had prepared some questions;

  1. What would make you wake up in a good mood?
  2. How could you make sure you get ready in the morning, dressed, with brushed teeth and your bag packed, without me reminding you even once?
  3. What do you think could happen that would make either of us upset in the morning and how ca we make sure that doesn’t happen?

Listen to everyone’s perspective

Children have an enormous imagination and the solutions are sometimes completely unexpected. My youngest wanted me to jump into her bed and start tickling her in the mornings which actually worked amazingly well 🙂

My eldest wanted us to buy her an alarm clock so she could decide when she would get up.

I was surprised by how well they both could predict which situations would risk tripping us and by how responsible they were in proposing solutions to them. “Mom, I know you get angry when I take too long choosing my clothes. Maybe I can choose them the night before so I already know what to wear in the morning”?” or “I’m sometimes sleepy in the morning and don’t want to talk to anyone. Can you not talk to me if I say that I’m tired?” or “I sometimes forget the time because I start doing something fun – could you help remind me but with a happy voice mom? Could you just say “Emelie, teeth””

I had to set some rules or parameters for situations that, as children, they didn’t have experience of yet. Like a what time we needed to be out the door to make it to school in time or recommending they pack the school bag the night before to make sure nothing was missing that we’d have to search for.

I’ve heard of families who implemented the use of a timer to get reminders without the parent having to say anything. They asked the children how long they thought they needed to get dressed and set the alarm. If it went off before they were ready then they’d change the time the next morning. With time they learnt approximately much time was needed for different actions.

Setting a morning routine

We’ve worked out a routine that gives us a chance to connect and to start our day without stress. Today I still make them breakfast and we eat together most mornings. I walk them to school and we get a chance to talk and hug good bye without stress. As our schedules change and they take on even more responsibility for their own morning routines, to win their days, our routine will also evolve.

If you want to implement a family morning routine maybe these steps can be helpful:

  • Start by defining the dream scenario from your adult perspective. And be honest about how you walk your own talk. For instance; at what time do you have to go to bed to be able to wake up happy?
  • Define the prerequisites from a logistical view. At what time do you have to leave the house to make it to school, how long does brushing teeth or other basic actions, that you believe are non-negotiable, take?
  • Let the children participate in forming a vision and a plan for your mornings. Let them define risks and how to handle them.
  • Implement and evolve as you go along. Help each other remember to not fall into old patterns and be consistent and refer back to what you’ve agreed on.

Notice the difference and celebrate your new routines when you see them working. Brag to each other about the changes you’ve made in your family. Reminisce about how it used to be and congratulate yourselves on how far you’ve come together.

BeBrave

Forgiving – It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills

, , , , , , 0

Venom

Life happens

I believe that we can’t completely protect ourselves from hurt. Life happens. Big things happen that are out of our control, people we love get sick, accidents occur, death and taxes – life happens. Apart from those big ones there are innumerable occasions where we’re in contact with other people and risk being hurt. Communication is tricky and misunderstandings are inevitable. So how can you approach this capricious dance called life?

One key could be to consider the old saying “It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills”. What does that really mean? To me it means that if I hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise, it’s not the actual incident that is the biggest concern for our relationship. It’s the period after the incident and how you and that person deals with the aftermath of it that’s the real challenge. If the incident isn’t managed well the person that got hurt will have a mental venom coursing through their head which will slowly erode your relationship.

The same goes for a situation where I’m the one that’s been hurt. The bite itself won’t continue to hurt me, the incident is over, it’s the thoughts and feelings relived afterwards that will continue to cause me pain if I let it.

Managing to extract the venom after there’s been a bite requires effort – it’s called forgiving.

Apologizing is a first step

Apologizing is sometimes really difficult. You didn’t mean to cause hurt and it can feel unfair to have to apologize just because someone misunderstood your intention. It’s important to learn the skill of apologizing as a first step towards forgiveness.

Forgiving has a complex role in a life well lived. Really letting go of hurt is important. Sometimes you are the one that can deliver that gift to someone else and sometimes you have to give that gift to yourself.

Forgiving someone that hurt you

When something has happened that have left you feeling hurt you have that venom coursing through you. Even if you fully accept that what you need to do, to feel better, is to forgive it’s sometimes not all that easy to do. Even when the one that hurt you is sincerely apologizing it might still feel painful and sad inside. This is a tricky situation that requires some internal digging and honesty on your part.

First be honest with yourself about what you need to be able to forgive completely. And really be honest with yourself. No one stands to gain from you pretending to forgive or saying that you do when you still harbor sadness or resentment. You need to understand yourself before you can articulate to someone else what you need.

When you know what you need and feel secure in the reasonability of these desires the next step is to figure out how to communicate them to the people involved. How can you convey your needs in a way that leaves the person apologizing willing to comply? Apologizing is vulnerable in the first place, being rejected and asked to “do more” can drive people away. You want to be a person that it’s easy to apologize to but not someone that is left with the pain of faking forgiveness. It’s a balancing act that requires honesty and true communication.

Forgiving without an apology

Sometimes things happen and there is no one around to give an apology in the first place. There are people that aren’t capable of accepting responsibility for causing hurt enough to apologize. Sometimes the person that hurt you isn’t even alive any more. If you have pain in your life because of something someone did to you then you are still a victim to what happened.

The venom is still in you. Even though the bite maybe happened a long time ago. Can you extract that venom by yourself? Clean your blood and release your body and soul of pain?

I believe that forgiving is a choice and a skill we can learn and that it’s one of the most important gifts we can give to ourselves.

Letting go of guilt when forgiveness is withheld from you

One of the most difficult situations, when it comes to forgiveness, is when someone you’ve hurt can’t get over the pain you caused. When the gift of forgiveness isn’t given to you even when you vulnerably ask for it.

Some people can’t accept an apology without enough time for their feelings to cool off. It’s hard to live with having hurt someone that you love that needs time for the anger/resentment to dissipate. To leave them alone when all you want to do is heal that broken connection.

Worst of all are those situations where someone can’t accept your apology no matter how long time it takes or how you try to fix things. In these circumstances you eventually will need to do something that sounds easy but can be extremely difficult; You have to let it go, you must find a way to forgive yourself and move on.

Do you have venom searing through your body and soul?

If you have unresolved situations in your life, things have happened that you cannot forgive, you are most certainly in a negative energy spiral. Would it be valuable to you to free up some of that energy?

Take out that pen and paper and write down the answers to the following questions:Notebook

  1. Think of a situation you keep coming back to in your mind where someone did something to you that you can’t get over. Describe the situation.
  2. Now think about this situation as if you were in the other person’s body and mind. How was she/he feeling, what was the intention? If you had to list three mitigating circumstances for the behavior what would they be?
  3. How would your life be different if you could truly let go of the hurt of that situation?
  4. What are two things you could do that would help you move on?

Sometimes there is resistance when trying to do this exercise, if you run into a mental block then take a deep breath and try to change focus. Try answering as if the answers are really easy or really basic – write whatever comes to mind – writing something, anything, will move you forward.

BeBrave

Saying you’re sorry and making up for mistakes

, , , , 0

Sorry

Saying you’re sorry can be difficult. To me it ranks on the top three list together with asking for help and with saying I want you to love me. We’re practicing saying sorry in my family. It’s been interesting and educational for me to observe it from the outside. When I see it happen between my daughters it’s easier to notice the patterns and obstacles that I also struggle with.

Hurting someone is usually not intentional

There are many issues that might make it difficult to say you’re sorry. One is the fact that it’s usually never intentional when you hurt someone. The thing you did or said wasn’t meant the way it was interpreted. Communication can be really tricky.

Have you ever gotten upset with someone because of how they got hurt by something you did/said? “How can she be so sensitive!?” “Gee there is so much drama going on!” The thing is that some people, like me, sometimes have trouble differentiating between who they are and what they do. If you feel that you are a bad person when you do something “wrong” then you’ll have a hard time saying I’m sorry. Saying it will mean that you admit to being a bad person – not very many people enjoy that and most will go to great length to defend themselves.

You want to protect yourself. You want to explain and make the other person realize how it was wrong by to be hurt in the first place. That way you don’t have to say you’re sorry – you’ve proven that you didn’t do anything wrong. In these circumstances it might help to remember that people, yourself included aren’t bad – they might make bad decisions but that doesn’t make them bad people.

Hurting someone you care about truly sucks even without the pressure of I’m a bad person. Just seeing pain in the face of loved ones hurts inside.

I asked my daughter about apologizing

I wanted to understand how my daughter felt about saying sorry. She told me some interesting stuff:

“Sometimes it’s hard because you really only just want to forget about the situation. You might feel so bad about it that you don’t want to risk bringing it up again. Since you don’t know how the other might react and they might want to talk about it a lot.”

“Sometimes you might get a sinking feeling in your stomach when you’ve hurt someone – if that happens I try to remind myself that I didn’t mean to- that makes it easier to say I’m sorry”.

”When you say you’re sorry you should really mean it because it’s very important how you say it. There’s a huge difference between “SORRY!” with an angry voice or “oooooh nooo I’m SO sorry!” with a sad voice”

Learning empathy

Having the ability to understand how others might feel in different situation is essential for learning to say you’re sorry.

Empathy is something we develop and learn as we grow, some more than others. I was kind of shocked when my girls would do something I thought was totally wrong. Like when big sister, then 3 years old hit her little sister (1 year at the time) or when they kept running after the birds on the plaza chasing and scaring them. I worried that somehow they didn’t realize how they might be hurting someone else. Well.. they couldn’t. Empathy is something we need to learn.

Children learn empathy primarily by watching their parents. There is a term for this, Social referencing, that describes how young children look to their parent to get help in deciding on how to feel and react. Has your kid ever fallen down and immediately turned to you to check how to react? If you as the parent show distress and worry the child immediately starts crying. On the other hand if you just pick her back up with a smile or say “up you go!” then the chances are that she brushes herself of and continue with her play.

Remember how it feels when you are hurt

If you unintentionally hurt someone the best thing is to accept that it has happened. It might feel unfair or that you don’t have the time or energy to handle the misunderstanding. But if you fight the fact that it happened you’ll only loose more time trying to repair the damage to the relationship later. Don’t try to persuade someone not to feel what they feel. The feeling is there and needs to be acknowledged. I’m not saying that people have the right to accuse you or demand things from you. I’m just saying that people that feel hurt needs to be listened to before you can find a suitable solution together.

Try to take full responsibility for being part of the situation that has left someone hurt. Use your empathy to remember how it feels when YOU feel hurt. You don’t have to agree on why the person is hurt or even pretend to understand why if you don’t. You just have to remember the feelings in your body when you get hurt. Remember the anger, the sadness and the sense of loss.

When you can connect to the feeling, outside of the situation, you’re better prepared to be empathetic in your communication.

Saying you’re sorry

Owning up to having been part of a situation that has hurt someone includes actually apologizing. As my daughter noted; “It’s hard but it’s important that you say it because that can bring your friendship back”.
Feelings are messengers and the feeling of hurt is coming from feeling you’ve lost something. If someone is sad because of something being lost between you, doesn’t that mean that what you had was important to that person? It’s kinda nice to be important to people J

So what steps are important for saying the actual words of “I’m sorry” and getting the desired result of understanding, a repaired and maybe even a stronger relationship?

Take 100% ownership for inflicting pain on the other person. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t intentional! It happened no one can be wrong about having feelings. This is the possibly hardest part and it might help to remember to ask yourself the important question of; Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

When you’ve done your mental homework these steps might help:

  1. Say you’re sorry for causing the hurt.
    “I realize I hurt you and I am truly sorry for causing you pain”
  2. You can move on to explaining your reasons for your actions but this needs to be cautioned. There is a risk that the explanation turns into excuses that will make the other person feel like you’re still trying to argue for being right.
    “I didn’t want to worry you and I thought it’d be better not to tell you about that thing beforehand”
  3. If you think you know and understand why the other person was hurt the say so. Tell what you’ve learnt and will do differently in the future.
    “I realize you felt left out and that I kept secrets from you when I didn’t tell you. Next time I will tell you even if I think you might get worried.”If you don’t know why the person got hurt ask them.
    “I realize now that I missed something that hurt you. I don’t know what it is but I’d really love know so I can understand and not do that in the future. Will you tell me?”

Saying you’re sorry requires vulnerability

Saying you’re sorry leaves you open to being accepted or denied. It’s a scary thing. Sometimes the one that got hurt needs time and space to receive the apology. Try to stay open and available for picking up the dialogue when the other is ready.

BeBrave

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

, , , , , , 0

Right or happy

During a management training I participated in, some years ago, we were asked a question that stopped me cold. You know, one of those questions that challenge everything you’ve up until this point believed to be true. We were talking about how to handle misunderstandings and conflicts. Explicitly how we as leaders show up and what our motives were moving into a conflict. If the meaning of communication is the response you get, then what response were we looking for? And then came another question delivered as almost an afterthought; “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

My instinctual response, sad to say, was: “Both off course!! If I’m right then I’m usually happy!”

It provoked me to no end thinking that I’d have to choose between the two. It was, to my binary mind, such a horrid choice. Either be happy but wrong all the time or be miserable while being right all the time. Since being wrong was so enormously hard on my self-esteem I interpreted the choice as no choice at all. I was basically doomed to be miserable.

As it turns out I’m much happier when I stop thinking that life is that binary. When I let there be more alternatives in life. What would being wrong and happy look like? When have I already experienced being right but still felt miserable?

What is Right is far more subjective than I ever thought

Growing up is a humbling experience. I’ve had to backtrack a whole lot of beliefs and truths the past 20 years or so. Turning from a know it all to realizing I know so little. There is no use in fighting for the right answer when it turns out there is no objective right answer to so many situations. The right answer is different for different people and in different circumstances.

Here are some truths I’ve carried:

  • One really shouldn’t play with food. It’s irresponsible towards raising well behaved children as well as considering that there are people that starve on this planet.
  • I have to eat dinner sometime between five and six o’clock or I’ll be “hangry” and miserable.
  • One should put the used kitchen ware in the dishwasher after finishing a meal. Not doing so is acting misbehaved and disrespectful.
  • I shouldn’t spend a night just sitting still in the sofa reading a book.

I’ve examined my own truths with questions like; What could I believe that would make that rule not be true anymore? Usually there are situations or beliefs where my truths turns out to be wrong for me. Situations where believing the exact opposite of what I thought was right turned out to be some of the best moments in my life.

When it comes to situations that involve other people you just up the complexity level of what’s right or wrong. The people around you will have their own truths and beliefs. What is right for someone depend on individual beliefs as well as the current state they’re in and the timing of the situation.

How do you want to be right?

Maybe something to consider when looking for the right answer is defining what being right means. There is a difference between being right over someone, i.e. if you’re right then someone else have to be wrong, and finding the right answer to a situation. What if the right answer is defined as “the solution that leaves both parties happy and connected”?

If you can find the solutions that meet that definition you will in fact be both happy and right 😀 Tada!

You radiate your thoughts and feelings – You cannot not communicate

Picture this. You’re walking into the living room and your child is sitting on the floor. Just sitting there still, looking into the distance, shoulders down, a frown on his face. Not saying anything when you walk in. You already think you know a ton about what that child is feeling.

Ever been in a situation where someone you know is being unusually quiet and asked “What’s wrong?” ´, gotten the answer “nothing!” and still known that something definitely isn’t right?

The thing is that you cannot not communicate. If you Google it the general belief is that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and only about 7% is the actual words spoken.

Stay flexible enough to find the true right answer

Maybe a final idea to remember. I got to a point where I truly believed that finding a solution from the other person’s point of view was the right answer. But the pendulum swung a bit too far in the opposite direction. I forgot to include the fact that I needed to feel good about the proposed solution as well. I sometimes swallowed my irritation and tried to fake a smile and my commitment. But since I kept radiating my feelings people rarely got really happy with my proposals.

When I look for “the right answer” I try to do the hard work of challenging my beliefs until I find a truth that really works for the both of us. Can I reconsider what my daughter’s behavior means when she walks out on our argument and slams the door? Maybe instead of being disrespectful I could interpret it as a young girl finding herself at the end of her abilities. A girl that has run out of more constructive ideas to be understood? Maybe she’s been taught that nothing else works for getting out of a scary argument. Maybe the adult have been fighting to be right and not to find the right answer…

BeBrave

People aren’t bad they make bad decisions

, , , , 0

Isolation

“He is a bad person, I hate him!” My girls have both been through situations and met people that have made them angry and upset. So have I. Off course! There have been people in my life that I would prefer not spending time with. But unless you plan to hide yourself, on the metaphorical one-man-island of “internal travels” and isolate yourself from the rest of the world, you will have to relate to other human beings.

And humans are messy and we’re all a work in progress. We’re stumbling along trying to survive, feel good and make some sense of our time here on earth. Sometimes we crash into people. Sometimes with enough force as to send that person right into a fall that lands on a third innocent bystander. A woman at work snapped at me, because she’s not slept for days worrying about her terminally ill mother. I fell into an obsessive negative thought pattern wondering if I’d done something wrong. Coming home I brought that energy into our family evening. I was being distracted and absentminded and I argued with my girls for leaving the back packs on the floor.

One of the most important decisions a person can make in life is what to believe about the universe. Is it benign or evil at its core? I choose to believe that people act as good as they can under the current circumstances. When we know better we do better. I choose to believe this because it makes me stronger. It also makes it easier to manage whatever happens in my life.

I don’t feel that you’re on my side!

My drive for understanding why people do what they do has sometimes led to misunderstandings with my daughter. When she’s told me about this or that situation in school and about how someone was being bad I’ve tried to understand that other person’s situation.

When I questioned the situation; “How do you think was he feeling when he said that bad thing to you?” or “how are things for him at home?” my daughter felt I pushed back against her description or objected to her right to feel victimized.

She’s said; “You always try to understand how someone must have felt instead of listening to me! You’re taking their side.”
Sometimes, when it’s not about her, she lovingly hugs me for “Trying to see the good in everyone no matter what”.

I try to explain to her why I want to understand why people do what they do. It’s not to be “a good person” or “turning the other cheek”. I do believe that being positive and looking for the positive is a winning strategy for interacting with people but the main reason is more selfish. I want to understand others so that I can stop being impacted by their negative behavior and to be able to influence them towards a more positive behavior. If I understand them then I can more easily adjust my approach so that we get a win-win situation; I get what I want and hopefully that other person get what she/he wants.

While trying to understand motives for seemingly weird actions by others I also learn about myself. I still do things that surprises me, things that I don’t understand why I do. If I can understand what drives someone else then I can evaluate if I also have that same need/driver.

Understanding someone’s motives does not mean you should accept their behavior

Trying to understand why someone does this or that, which impacts you negatively, does NOT mean that you make excuses for that person to continue to treat you badly. You teach people how to treat you by how you let them and you need to be very clear about your limits and your definitions of terms like respect, love and cooperation.

Understanding their motives just frees you up to working out a solution to the negative impact in your life. Take that woman at work that keeps yelling at you, because she’s under extreme pressure at home. If you are told about the dying mother then you will be in a much better place in meeting this woman with compassion. From understanding comes the ability to not take things personally and you are in a much better position mentally to stay supportive and empathic when you don’t feel personally threatened.

A talk from this perspective will have a much higher chance of success. You’ll be more elegant in finding the phrasing to offer warm support while making it clear that you won’t tolerate being yelled at in the future.

If you believe you are a bad person you will not have hope enough to act

It’s important to switch into the idea that people do what they can under the circumstances not only because it helps you to become more mentally immune to the actions of others. Being able to distance yourself from drama and keep your equilibrium becomes easier if you believe that some people simply make bad decisions instead of thinking you’re surrounded by bad people.

Another reason is that when you get used to trying to understand the underlying reasons for someone else’s negative actions you become more likely to try to understand your own motives. Why do YOU sometimes do things that are not helping you progress in life? Is it because you are a bad person? To believe that you are a bad person is to believe something really disempowering. How can you muster the confidence or courage to change if you believe that you are bad no matter what?

On the other hand, if you are used to meeting negative behavior with an inquisitive mind, you will be more likely to look for and find reasons and motives that you can actually impact and change.

When you are faced with negativity

Unless you plan on escaping to a remote isolated island to fend for yourself you will come across people that impact you. If that impact feels negative then maybe these steps can help:

  1. Decide that the behavior impacting you is coming from someone who for some reason can’t do better at the moment
  2. Try to figure out what that person have been or are going through that can explain why they act the way they do
  3. Remind yourself of a time when you weren’t communicating in the best way. This will increase your level of empathy further
  4. Become really clear, to yourself, of what changes you need in behavior from this person. What you can live with/tolerate and what you really need to find a different solution to
  5. Communicate with empathy and compassion for the both of you.

BeBrave

How do you go to the store without buying candy?

, , , , , 0

Sugar Candy

Can’t there be a ban on candy in our stores? I know.. “Adult people making decisions on their own. What kind of communistic society would we have if the people in charge started dictating what we can or can’t eat” This blog is not an attempt at changing legislation nor is my aim to guilt trip all us consumers going against our better judgement and buying sugar filled products now and then.

I just wanted to vent my frustration over having to deal with the sugar issue so often. Commercials and the availability of candy makes my parenting life a bit more challenging than I’d like it to be. Maybe some of our strategies for fighting the sugar addiction will work for you, maybe you’ve got some tricks for us?

Taking my hungry children, or a hungry me, to the store = bad idea

A number of years ago the following scenario was a common one. Walking into the supermarket on the way home from work. I’ve picked up my two girls from daycare, they’re about 4 and 6 years old and as we walk in my youngest asks me “Mommy can we have some ice cream today?” I know they’re tired, I know they’re hungry and the easiest answer would be to say yes. Not only would I have an easier time getting home, I would instantly be the hero of the day in my girl’s eyes.

I can’t say at what ratio I’ve managed to stay true to my conviction and resisted the urge to cave into their sugar monsters. To be honest I believe my own sugar monster/cravings has directed my actions more often than theirs.

I’ve tried a number of strategies for minimizing the nagging and resisting buying things I think are bad for us in a long term perspective. The most effective one has been to help them become aware of their feelings and how they are affected by our surroundings.

The desire for sugar could be an evolutionary super power

In terms of an evolutionary viewpoint a lot has happened very quickly in the way we live as humans. Food with a high calorie count based on carbohydrates has never been more accessible than in the last decades.

Some argue that the human DNA, and our triggers to different kinds of food, hasn’t had the time to adapt to the availability of the modern time. If we go back in time our human ancestors were moving with the seasons harvesting the earth for food. Within that background there are clues to our eating triggers in terms of sugar. Eric Edmeades, entrepreneur/speaker/author, has described one of the triggers in a, to me, logical and easily relatable story.

Get more while you can! – Winter’s coming!

“Imagine that you’re a human ancestor about 100 000 years ago. You’re living in accordance to nature and the seasonal harvests of the earth. To be able to survive the dry season, when food is scarce, you need to store energy during times when energy is abundant. The season before a dry season would be equivalent to “autumn” meaning the period when fruit and berries are ripe. When a human ate something with typically high sugar intake it would be a signal to the body that “winter’s coming”. The human DNA would then “help” to prepare in two ways;

  1. Switch the metabolism rate down
  2. Signal to the human to “get as much as you can while you can!”

Imagine finding a fruit tree and eating of that tasty fruit. When you’re full you begin to walk away but all of a sudden you get this enormous urge/desire/need to go get some more.”

I believe this is part of why some people, myself included, have a really tough time to “just eat one” cookie. The body responds by urging you to get more. If I don’t take that first cookie I’m usually fine. I’m not saying this is the single answer to sugar addiction but what if this could be a part of the explanation?

Help your child understand the craving

One way to create awareness in a child is to tell them the story about the “sugar monster”. Pay attention to how the child reacts, some doesn’t like the idea of having a “monster” inside. If you know that your child is sensitive or if you notice that the story is a little upsetting then just adjust into maybe a… “sugar rascal” 🙂

The Sugar monster

Sugar monster

“Inside of you there is a little monster that loves to eat sugary things. It’s like a little sleeping creature that wakes up and feeds when it’s given candy, cake and fuzzy drinks. If there is just a little sugar the monster won’t get enough to fully wake up. But if you give it too much then the monster will wake up completely and start making demands! The more you feed it the larger and louder and more rude the monster gets. However if you refuse to give the monster any sugary food for a day or so it will shrink. Soon you almost won’t hear it at all and then it will snuggle up and just go back to sleep again. Sugar monsters really like to sleep and be rocked by you when you walk and run around playing. “

The story enable you to talk about sugar in a new way. Now you can relate to it when you want to keep the sugar levels down.

Tips for making it through the story without a fight

The sugar monster story has helped my girls to relate to their cravings in a way that empower them. On the way to the store I can ask them about the status of their sugar monsters – “Are they asleep or awake and behaving up?” This way we can manage the awareness about the “need” before we go in.

Here are some other tips I’ve tried.

  • Bring a banana or an apple that they can nibble on while you’re shopping. This will distract their attention as well as keeping the worst hunger in check
  • If you have the possibility then sit down for a couple of minutes before entering the store. Connect to your child and talk for a little while. Tell her/him that you’re about to go shopping and that this time you won’t buy anything sugary. Ask her/him not to nag you about it.
  • Explain about store marketing plans for candy/sugars
    This is a great way to create awareness and the ability as well as desire to resist. Ask them if they know why there is always so much candy close to the checkout line. Explain that it’s well thought out and done on purpose. The checkout line is where all parents have to go and stand close to so that’s where the children will be able to see and want candy.
  • Get them involved in the grocery shopping by asking them to find things from the shopping list.

If you have ideas or strategies that have worked for you I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

BeBrave

Load More