Emotions

October 18, 2017

Using your feelings and emotions as tools for action

Your mind could be likened to a toolbox. You were born with a number of tools already in place e.g. the abilities to trust, to love, to be curious and to learn. You added some tools to your box as you grew up. Tools for getting what you want, for making people like you, for safety and significance. You probably picked tools that look like the ones in your parent’s or friend’s toolboxes.

You probably aren’t aware of some of the tools you use and even less of however they are effective or not. Some of your tools are your feelings and emotions.

Feelings and emotions are what makes life worth living. At least the good ones. Love, compassion, curiosity, passion, drive, faith, gratitude and belonging are all feelings that bring meaning to our days.

The question is why we seem to have really crappy tools in our toolbox – all the “negative” feelings? Anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, overwhelm, fear, shame..

Impact your results by changing your feelings or impact you feelings by changing your results

Circle of beliefs

There is a concept called “the circle of beliefs and results”. It states that your Beliefs, Feelings, Actions and Results are interdependent on each other.

You can make conscious changes to any of the entry points and so impact the other three. Humans unconsciously lead their actions based on their Beliefs and Values which is why this is the base entry point.

You can choose to change your Beliefs or Feelings which will impact your Actions and then your Results. But you can also choose to Act differently, without the changed Belief/Feeling, which will get you new Results which in turn will impact your Beliefs.

Taking control over your feelings and taking action despite of them is to take control over your life.

Use feelings and emotions as the beacons and fuel they are

Why do we experience negative feelings now and then? Why are they part of the human experience? Was it because humans are supposed to suffer? I don’t think so. I’ve written about Fear before and I believe that Fear is the underlying driver for all other negative feelings. But diving into the root cause based in Fear takes some practice and time and the solutions that needs to be applied to get around the root fear is sometimes just not practical in the short term.

Let me give an example. Imagine that what you feel is some level of overwhelm at everything you need to make happen at work. The root cause, when you give yourself some time to think about it, is probably fear; fear of not being able to pay your bills, fear of being looked at like you’re incompetent. But to come to terms with a long term solution for NOT feeling those fears might involve some really hard questions about your chosen profession and/or your level of knowledge and skill. In the short term the “lighter” feeling of overwhelm can be mastered and free you up to take a look at fear when you have your chemicals back under control.

I believe that most negative feelings have no inherent purpose for humanity but that they can be incredibly powerful tools for living consciously. Feelings are the best beacons when it comes to bringing your core values and beliefs to your conscious mind. Your core values and beliefs are what triggers your emotional response and they are what you use to give a meaning to a situation. This happens automatically without you being aware of the actual thought behind the feeling. You might feel startled by an emotion but trust me, there is always a meaning that YOU’ve placed on a situation and it is this meaning that provoke the feeling.

So when a powerful emotion seizes you just stop and listen to it. It comes with knowledge and a possibility to make changes to get new results.

Taking new action for new results using feelings and emotions as signals

Tony Robbins, one of my many (unaware) personal mentors, has defined possible “new actions” for a number of “negative” feelings. The theory is that feelings are just signals. Signals that come with a specific message of action depending on the category of the feeling.

The signal itself is for you to do one of two things;

Change your procedure – Take a different Action according to the description below and/or
Change your perception – Change your Belief/meaning about what is happening. Make a conscious decision to get new tools.

Using feelings as tools for achieving new results

Here is a summary of the categories and the actions you can take to change them

Uncomfortable (Impatient, uneasy, distressed, mildly embarrassed)
You need to change your state. Clarify what you want, then take action in that direction.
Fear (Concern, apprehension, scared, terrified)
Get yourself prepared to deal with something that’s about to come.
Hurt (Sense of loss)
Evaluate whether there really is a loss. Change your way of communicating your needs or change your behavior.
Anger (mildly irritated, resentful, livid, rage)
One of your important rules has been violated by somebody, maybe you?
Clarify your rules or adjust them.
Frustration (held back or hindered in the pursuit of something)
You need to change your approach to achieve a different outcome.
Disappointment (sad, defeated)
You need to accept that an expectation or an outcome you had won’t happen ad make new plans.
Guilt (emotions of regret)
You have violated one of your own standards. Make things right with everyone involved if you can.
Inadequacy (less than or unworthy)
You need to do something to get better. You don’t have to be perfect, you simply need to start taking action, such as go practice, to improve at whatever it is.
Overloaded (overwhelmed, hopeless, or depressed)
Reevaluate what is most important to you in this situation. Distinguish between what is a necessity and what is a desire. Prioritize. Take the first item on your list and do something about it.
Loneliness (apart or separate from)
You need a connection with people. Clarify what kind of connection you need: friendship, somebody to laugh with, somebody to listen to you.. Then reach out.

Take action today

If you want to start using your feelings as beacons to shed a light on your drivers – your values and beliefs and/or if you want quick new results in your life this following exercise can help you. It is similar to the exercise for getting to know your Fear but with the added specific actions you can take to change your Results.

Start taking notice of the emotions you’re experiencing during a day
Whenever the emotion is a negative one stop and feel it. Which category of feelings does it belong to? Let it in and sit with it until you get the message it’s sending you. Is this a situation where you can more easily change your actions or is it one where it will be more effective to change your perception?
Take the new action, according to the category of feeling, in all situations that requires it
For changing your perception and making sure that your subconscious accepts the new Beliefs and Values write them down in your journal whenever you uncover them

Use the tools you have in your toolbox today effectively and when you realize that you are ready for a larger redecoration of your mental space get new tools.

BeBrave

October 11, 2017

Choose connection. Your brain give meaning to facts

Emotions, Family Connection, Family Fun, Skillset Parents 0

The level of quality you experience in your life is equal to the quality of the feelings you experience. If you’ve followed my blog you know that I believe that the meaning of life is to enjoy this human experience and using your focus will really impact how you feel about being a human. Your brain give meaning to facts and situations in your life.

Let me share a typical situation from my everyday life:

It’s a weekday around five o’clock. I step in the door to our apartment. I put the grocery bag and my back-pack, with my very non-portable computer, down on the floor. My mind busy with thoughts of what to cook for dinner, the clothes in the washing machine that needs hanging, plans for the evening – to get homework and chores done, reminding myself to return the missed phone call from my sister when I get the time. My thoughts stubbornly wandering back to a disagreement from earlier today – could I have said something different, why did the things he said get to me like that?

I see the garbage bag sitting on the floor by the door where I left it this morning, the unpacked gym bag that I know contains a wet towel, I glance into the kitchen and see the table with pieces of paper, scissors and glue stick strewn over it. The floor glittering in a yellow tint.

I hear a Youtuber-feed from behind a closed door to one daughter’s room and a shout from the other “Is that you mum!?”

My world is full of facts – My brain gives them meaning

The situation above, or very similar ones, are ones that I’ve lived through many many times. I’ve had the opportunity to try different approaches to managing them with very different results. Let me give you two examples from my life. Maybe you’ll get a feeling for the results by just reading about them. Maybe you can relate to these scenarios and the impact it will have on the connection you have with your children.

So the situation above is the same in these two scenarios.

Scenario 1 – “I have the RIGHT to get cooperation and help!”

My thoughts fall into a routine that I’ve been running enough times to become really efficient with it. “Haven’t I taught them better than this? She should know how her towel is going to stink if she doesn’t hang it up to dry when she gets home. Euw that garbage is going to start to smell bad! Is it too much to ask that they take some initiative – do I have to do everything? I’m SO tired.. can’t they see that just because you’re tired you can’t just give in to the lust to chill and do nothing.”

I call to my daughter “Yes it’s me! Hey you haven’t unpacked your gym bag!”

Then I walk into the kitchen and start unpacking the food and getting everything into the pantry and fridge. I set a pan on the stove to bring water for spaghetti to the boil, place some meatballs from the freezer on defrost in the micro and start cutting vegetables.

My daughter comes into the kitchen with a present for me. She’s created a painting with the words “Worlds best mother”, set it into a frame filled with yellow glitter and wrapped it into a gift. I somewhat reluctantly set the vegetable knife down to open her gift, thank her for the beautiful gift and then tell her to please take care of the mess on the kitchen table because dinner’s ready soon. She complies, cleans the table and quietly go into her room and closes her door.

Dinner is ready, I’ve set the table and lit some candles to make it cozy. I shout to my daughters to tell them “Dinner time!”. My Youtube-daughter doesn’t respond and I angrily call her again. I think “Does she have to be so into that blogger?! Why can’t she be a little more interested to help out at home more and why does she isolate herself in her room so often?”

My other daughter is not responding at all and when I go to find her she’s up in her bunk bed watching a series on the IPad. “I just wanna finish this episode, I’ll be there soon”.

So I go into the kitchen and sit myself down. For every 20 seconds that passes without my kids joining me I get more and more irritated – “What kind of family are we? We can’t even eat dinner together?! Why don’t they appreciate my efforts? Why can’t they take responsibility for contributing to this family and our time together”.

When my eldest (Youtube watching) girl comes into the kitchen sits down and drops the comment that “oh we had meatballs for lunch in school today” I just snap “How was I supposed to know – I really can’t keep everything in my head”.

Calling to my youngest that “Dinner is getting cold, get here!”

I’ve forgotten to lay out knives and forks and when one of my girls gets some for herself and not for her sister a fight starts. Angry voices and irritated body languages, that look that says “you suck!” with all the clarity in the world. “Why couldn’t she get some for me while she was on her feet?!”, “Why do you have to get so angry with me?!”, “I wasn’t angry” ….

We eat our food quickly and mostly silently. My nerves are rattled by the rapid chewing.. “does she have to eat so fast, she can’t possibly taste the food. She’s not going to listen to her own body in terms of feeling full. What kinda bad parent am I who hasn’t been able to create an environment where eating together is something cozy, safe and something that builds connection?”

When we’re done I ask who’s responsible for taking out the trash this week with the intention to remind whoever it is and one of the girls says “I was going to do it after dinner, don’t nag me!”

I’m left at the table with a sinking feeling of being alone, unappreciated and not being enough.

Time from entering the apartment to having had dinner: 50 minutes
Level of energy: 3/10
Level of life satisfaction: 2/10

Scenario 2 – “I’ve missed my little monsters today!”

I step out of my shoes drop my jacket on the floor and shout back to my girl that “NOOOO, it’s not mum, it’s the Cuddling police and you’re going to be arrested for not showering your mum with hugs and kisses when she walks in the door! I’m coming to get you!”

I hear a yell of glee from her room when she throws herself up into her bed to get away from me. I run into her room and climb into her bunk bed, pretend not to see her under the cover, laying down on top of her to get “some nice rest”. When she squeals I untangle her and attack her with tickling and kisses. We laugh and eventually settle down. I ask about her day. She lights up and tells me she’s made me a gift!

I unwrap the painting and I thank her and ask her about it. “Did it take long, what gave her the idea, did she have fun?” She tells me she tried twice before she got it exactly the way she wanted it and that she chose yellow glitter since she knows how it’s my favorite color.

I hug her and tell her how grateful I am to be her mum and that I love to watch her create stuff.

I ask if she’s hungry and if she would like to come help out in the kitchen and keep me company and tell me more about today. She follows me into the kitchen and I say; “Ah, I can see you were creating your painting in here. Is the table here better than the one in your room?” She says yes and I tell her that I understand that, that I feel that way too. Then I ask her if she can help clear and set the table which she agrees to.

I kiss her head and tell her I’ll be right there with her.

I go knock on my Youtube-watching girl’s door and wait for the “come in”. She’s sitting in her bed writing something on her phone. I sit down next to her, kiss her on the neck and ask her how she’s doing. She hugs me and tells me she’s writing a list of things that she wants to experience in her life. She got the idea from a Youtuber and she wanted to create her own “bucket list”. I say “Wow how cool! What a great idea! Do you want to share some of your items over dinner?”

We walk into the kitchen and I ask the big one to unpack the groceries while she tells us about the idea about the bucket list and I start with dinner. I give the younger one a cutting board, a knife and some vegetables so she can sit at the table and start cutting. We talk about the possibility of each having a list and about having a shared one for the family. We start dreaming and planning for how we can combine each other’s items and experience these things together.

I ask if they think we should have lit candles for our dinner and they get some candles out and divide them up between themselves so they both get to use the matches to light them.

We have dinner and the conversation turns from long term bucket list goals to how our days have been. We finish the meal together. Afterwards I ask them if they’re done with their chores which reminds my eldest to go take out the garbage.

Time from entering the apartment to having had dinner: 50 minutes
Level of energy: 7/10
Level of life satisfaction: 8/10

Ask from a “Yes” – Connection is actually the quicker way

The primary difference between these two scenarios is not in the time spent or saved. I believe the big difference lies in the amount of energy you get/loose and in the quality of your feelings. However I will still argue that you will actually save time as well. Think of the time you spend on nagging or managing fights today. I bet you could reduce that by at least 50% by focusing on improving you connection.

A good and reliable proof that you’re connecting is when you hear affirmative answers/comments from your child. Writer, therapist and teacher Susan Stiffelman describes the theory of Asking from a yes. She talks about using this theory not as manipulation but as a focus that will promote connection instead of efficiency.

When you focus on the connection between you and your children you will realize that they want to help, they want to participate and be an important part of your family. They want to spend time with you. If you work on your connection you will be able to influence your children towards cooperation and taking initiative for contributing to the family that is as much their safe haven as it is yours.

Action for today

So what can you do today to learn about yourself and the connection between focus and feelings? Primarily just stay curious and play the game of – “What else could this mean?” Whenever you find yourself in a negative feeling today take a mental step back. Look at the situation and see what other focus and meaning you can find. When you find a different meaning then pay attention to how your feelings change. I also recommend you to write your observations down in a journal.

BeBrave

October 4, 2017

Fear – The universal root of your bad decisions

Beliefs, Emotions, Skillset Parents 0

Fear is that constant companion that is involved in all your bad decisions. I believe that fear is what keeps us from returning to the beautiful, open and quite frankly loving beings that we are. And in that sense fear really is the root of evil.

Fear is a part of the human experience that act according to a misconceived purpose to protect. Fear wants to keep you safe and safe means without change. It will access all your mental capacity and turn it against you, if needed, to stop you from making big changes in your life. This is why fear often keeps people with high IQ from moving forward. Their logical minds supply an endless stream of completely reasonable arguments for why taking action is a bad thing.

Fear has a purpose

There are completely natural reasons for fear. Looking at the genetics and the human evolution you realize that the brain was not developed to make us happy. It was developed to keep us safe. I bet you’ve heard the example of how our ancestors needed the physical reactions induced by fear to be able to survive the occasional meet-up with saber toothed tigers.

Fear also keeps you from doing really stupid and dangerous stuff like petting poisonous snakes, swimming in the shark-filled ocean or voluntarily strapping yourself into the free fall ride at the amusement park.. Fear is supposed to keep you from doing things that could kill you.

When fear does gets a hold on you the chemicals that flood your system are very real and needs to be dealt with. Your body releases adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol into your bloodstream. These chemicals in turn make your body turn down the functionality of the digestion system and some nervous systems. This is done so as to redistribute power to give the body a burst of strength and energy.

These chemicals also narrows your focus span down to what is commonly related to as tunnel vision. This is a physical phenomenon aimed to keep you VERY focused on the perceived problem so you, in theory, can find a solution for it quickly.

So fear has a purpose. To keep you safe. It’s really trying its very utmost to be of service and be helpful to you. It’s just that the programming for “safe” hasn’t been updated in a million years or so..

The most fearsome situation

The situation that possibly damage us the most is that fear still believes that one of the most risky results for a human is the risk of being…. *drum roll*… ALONE!

Again, this is natural. It is neuroscience and chemicals. You didn’t stand much of a chance back in time if you didn’t have a tribe to count on. But today that situation is not terminal. It’s painful, lonely and boring but it’s not going to kill you!

Knowing that fear is not a supporting friend and that being ostracized is not a deadly situation helps me to catch my fears voice when it shows up. But it still takes constant awareness. You see my fear has a way of sneaking up on me.

It’s cunningly awaiting just that moment when my defenses are lowered. When I’m tired or in physical pain. It gets into my brain and use everything I know and everything I’ve ever been afraid of and throws it together with just enough truth behind it that arguing back feels pointless.

Manage fear

When you’re in the clutch of fear the first thing you need to do is to manage the chemicals. One of the fastest ways to do that is to change your physical state:

Stand up and stretch your hands to the sky
Fake laugh until you make yourself actually laugh from feeling so silly
Do a silly dance disco style

There are many other ways to get out of the paralyzing fear and if you often find yourself frozen I’d recommend that you consider looking to find professional help.

The most effective way to manage fear is to catch it before it pushes you into full-blown “flight or fight” mode. To be effective in this you really need to know more about it.

Best Friends Forever

I don’t know at what level you are in terms of your connection to your fear. Maybe you’re on a first-name basis. Maybe you’ve already managed to establish a loving but firmly controlled relationship.

As you get to know your fear you will notice that there are recurring situations that triggers it and that there are patterns to the actual excuses that it uses. This will help you anticipate and mitigate the effects beforehand.

The following exercise is powerful and will let your subconscious let things be known to your conscious. The trick is to do this with intention and to use the written language that speaks directly to the subconscious.

Get personal

Personalize your fear
Give him/her a name and a tone of voice.
Learn to notice when Fear starts acting/talking.
Use a notebook or a simple “notes function” on your phone and for one week write down what Fear says. This takes some practice but it gets easier and easier. You will quickly notice how often Fear is in the driver seat. Stop what you’re doing and simply write down what Fear just said. In the beginning maybe all you will get is short sentences or words; “stop”, “you can’t do that”, “who do you think you are?” Just keep writing, don’t make it complicated – this is just a gathering process. Write a short note on the situation and what Fear said.
Get to know your fear.
When you have a week’s worth of material it’s time to get to know your Fear properly. This step might be a bit scary in itself and could actually trigger that Fear; He/she knows you’re on to him/her at this point. When doing this step may I suggest that you set aside some time for yourself somewhere where you won’t be disturbed. Print your notes and bring pens and paper. Start sorting through what your Fear has been suggesting. Are there any patterns to the rambling?In what situations does he/she get going?What is he/she trying to get you to do/not do?
Take control.
Usually it’s enough to personalize and get to know your Fear to empower you to act in face of it. When you start acting in spite of Fear you prove to yourself that you’re in control and that you are capable of running your life. With the self-confidence comes the trust that Fear needs to be able to sit back and take a much needed rest. Let him/her sit in the passenger seat and be the vigilant companion he/she’s supposed to be.

Love your fear

I’ve become a huge believer in energy and in accepting what is in my life. Instead of pushing bad feelings and thoughts down I do my best to welcome them as the teachers they are. Welcome and even love them. When I can love my fear she rests comfortably within me, secure in her importance and role.

Fear has a purpose. To keep me safe. It’s a purpose worthy of love! She needs to be part of my life, she keeps me on the right track. She reminds me too keep my promises to myself and others so I don’t let myself down. My fear makes sure I keep going way past being tired to make sure we live up to our standards. She keeps an eye on my energy levels so I take a day of to rest when needed.

She also gives me the opportunity to grow and to be brave! Without Fear there would be no courage. And Fear is my best indicator for knowing what I need to do and act on next.

BeBrave

August 31, 2017

Becoming a parent – angst, guilt and never enough

Beliefs, Emotions, Family Purpose 0

Becoming a parent. To be a mom. It’s sort of insane really. It’s said that humans are wired to propagate so the desire to have kids ought to be a natural and irresistible urge for pretty much everyone. It was for me.. to some extent. I somehow just knew I was going to have kids, it was never a question of ”if”.. just “when”. Maybe that comes from being the oldest child and therefore more likely to follow given rules and family traditions. Maybe it was because my friends started getting pregnant and having children. Maybe it was my biological clock telling me to hurry up. Maybe it was because I was curious as to how it would feel to have a baby growing inside or that I wanted someone to flood with fierce and passionate love. Maybe it was all of that. Somehow I always knew I would have kids. Two of them actually. And that’s what I’ve got.

But being a mom is nothing like I thought it would be. It’s been better and more than I could ever imagine and it’s also given me countless hours with darker thoughts than I believe is politically correct and that makes my ego cringe when I think about it.

Everything I do I do with the awareness of how it might impact them. It gives me strength to carry on when I’m way past just “a little tired”, it makes me really want to be a better person, it makes me question my motives and my values. To be their mother, to be the one they come to when they are unsure, scared or worried about something and just want that little push to get going. To hold their hand when going to the dentist, to see their recitals, to laugh with them at silly jokes or whimsy stories. It gives me the feeling of belonging. Like my life have meaning. I was part of creating them – these two creatures with the ability to spread so much joy and laughter.

But with that achievement came a sense of responsibility and worry and the distinct thought of – “Ehh hello! I’ve got a complaint! There wasn’t a manual delivered with this baby!”, What have I’ve gotten myself into?! What if I fail completely and all my theories about parenting, that I’m more or less wildly just testing out on these two little guinea pigs, pushes them over the edge into angst and stress or into just being lazy teenage brats without an ounce of empathy or ambition?

Yeah, those fears probably says a lot more about me than about who they are actually growing up to become. But for a long time I really felt burdened with the huge responsibility. That it was such a huge and important job to lead two human beings towards adulthood. That it really should be done with more conscious, deliberate and informed strategies than I ever had the time to formulate or implement.

I finally realized two things that have helped me just get on with it:

I’m doing the best I can and I try to live my life with some conscious congruency between what I think, feel and act upon. Kids do as you do not as you say so if I focus more on how I live my life instead of how I should be instructing them it should turn out okay in the end.
We were all “damaged”, one way or another, by our parents and by the experience of growing up. Either you were smothered too closely or ruled too strictly or something in between, it’s part of the set up that you test your limits and push you boundaries with your parents. It’s an inevitable fact that there will be misunderstandings and poor programming that later will need to be re-scripted to serve us better. I came to accept that I with 100% certainty already have screwed them up in some ways and that I most assuredly will continue to contribute to anchoring and convictions that aren’t empowering them. And that that is okay. That I can’t go around feeling guilty or bad about what has been or what might happen. Walking around with those thoughts will NOT make me a better mom. No more remorse over failures in the past or torment about the future – I’m doing as well as I know how to with good intentions.
And even good intentions are sometimes not enough – I got yet another proof of that one morning not long ago. At breakfast one of my daughters told me about how daring and courageous one of her class mates was acting the other day and how she wished she could have as much courage. In our family we define courage as in doing something in spite of being scared. My daughters friend had defied the gym teacher and misbehaved and therefore had been dismissed from gym class. My girl, who didn’t want to participate in the class, thought it was very brave to talk back at the teacher like that…

I’m doing as well as I know how to. And when I know better I do better. We’re working on that definition of courage… 😉

Let go of any guilt or worry about doing “parenting right”. Worrying doesn’t make it better and it definitely won’t be worse by letting your shoulders down and just doing it with a laugh. Doing it is what we do anyway – a well as we can!