Dentist

Apart from working as a traffic warden, writing tickets for wrongly parked cars, can there be an occupation less appreciated than working as a dentist? My annual check-up is something I dread and although I feel an enormous dose of happiness the times I’m given the green light for another year I still really don’t like going there. Part of it is my dislike of needles and part of it is well.. it hurts!

I really try to check myself and how I live my life and what I transfer to my girls. They do as I do and not as I say so I know how important it is for me to live congruently. But when it comes to dental care it’s just not something I’ve managed very well myself yet. I have a hard time controlling my discomfort in this context. I didn’t want to convey that feeling to Linnea and Emelie and I’ve always been very aware about how and what I communicate about this.

Supporting my youngest when she needed me

When one of my girls got the verdict that there was a cavity that needed fixing she asked her mommy to go with her. Before the actual day we had talked about it. Her sister had informed her about the procedure and explained that “first there will be a paste that tastes bad and then there will be a needle”. My daughter was completely convinced that the bad tasting paste would be the worst thing coming up.

I knew she needed my emotional support and I had promised myself to be calm for her.

When it was our turn the dentist was in a hurry and not really paying attention to the fact that the patient was a little girl who was scared. Emelie was told to sit in the chair and without warning they adjusted it which startled her. Just as expected the paste, that anaesthetize the gums, really didn’t taste well and this upset my darling girl. During the wait for the anesthesia to kick in the nurse and dentist did a quick dental check, they talked their dentist talk and pushed and prodded her teeth.

When the time came for the needle she was really scared and lay there completely stiff. The dentist finally noticed and slowed down a bit. This is where the biggest mistake was made. The dentist made the assumption that Emelie was scared of the needle and settled for giving half the dose.

An unfamiliar situation turning bad

I believe the hurry partly came from not wanting to drag out the experience for Emelie but mostly I felt they were stressed. I was getting increasingly distressed about the lack of “bedside manners” (is that the term?). When the dentist started drilling and Emelie signed that it hurt, they just said “just a little more” and pushed through. And I didn’t stop them. I found myself saying “it’s over soon. You’re doing good!” Trying to support her. When they were done with the drilling and put the drill away Emelie thought they were done and tried to sit up. The dentist pushed her down and said “No, what are you doing! We’re not done!” There was still the filling to be done.

When everything was finally done and we were ushered out of the dentist office Emelie broke down completely. She began telling me how scared she’d been and she relived the situation right there in front of me as she was putting words to it. Her experience was one of being completely out of control, in pain and not understanding what was happening.
I was caught off guard and I just didn’t know what to say other than hugging her and listening to her, mirroring back her words to let her know I listened to her. My mind reeling with blame towards myself; I didn’t stand my ground. I wasn’t there for her. Dammit! I wanted desperately to help her put an empowering meaning on this situation but I was failing miserably.

Anchoring memories

There are some experiences that seem to get an instant obvious place in your mind and memories. Memories, just like thought patterns and skills, can anchor in your brain using repetition. Enough times practicing a dance move and your brain will adjust the wiring to support that move. Memories will stick in your head if you repeat them often. When you share them with others or when you relive them in your head. Every time that memory will get a little stronger.

Sometimes a memory doesn’t need any repetition at all to stick to your brain like glue. “Connect a memory to a strong feeling and it will burn in your mind forever”. Strong feelings, both positive and negative, anchor memories immediately. This is why you remember the song you danced to when you fell in love and the birth of your children so well. It is also why you can develop a phobia from just one bad experience.

Changing your memories

A phobia is a thought pattern that has been stored in your mind, connected to a meaning and to strong negative feelings. Just like normal memories are moldable so can phobias also be changed by deliberate effort. This is what cognitive therapy is about.

I needed to help Emelie change the meaning and clear out the negative feelings she associated to the dentist visit. We talked about what had happened. I had made a mistake in not ensuring that we had all the time we needed. It was my job to make sure that she could ask all questions she wanted. We talked about the mistake with the anesthesia and that if we make sure that we get the entire dose then the drilling won’t hurt the next time. I also encouraged her to refuse to let any doctor or dentist, or anyone, do anything to her in the future that she didn’t understand and approve. I promised her that I would 100% stand up for her.

We needed to reframe her experience

I called the dentist office and nagged them into letting us go on a new checkup very soon after the incident. I told them what had happened and I asked that we get an appointment with someone who had experience with children and that could show us how everything works. This visit went really well.  We’re also booked to go back again within 6 months instead of waiting a full year like we’re supposed to. We want to go often to build confidence and security in this setting.

She now knows that she’s got the right to decide what happens to her. She understands that because that dentist was so stressed and so misunderstood what was going on she learnt the value of standing her ground and trusting her own feelings. We’ve talked about how right she was to feel the way she did and how I will always support her when she expresses her needs and limits. We’ve practiced, in our conversations, how that experience should have been. We’ve done it enough times so that she now feels empowered when she thinks about it.

Actionable

We can’t change what has happened to us but we can change how the memory impacts us. Do you, or your child, have a memory that keeps coming back bringing with it a negative feeling?

There are many ways to alter the effects of a memory and the theories for changing a memory are  simple but not always easy. Depending on the level of trauma that was part of the experience you might need to seek support in the process.

This exercise is very effective but doesn’t require you to go back to relive the memory. The idea is to reframe the experience to give it another meaning which in turn will impact the feeling it gives you.

1. Bring out pen and paper and begin by writing a short caption of the event. Write what happened and how you feel about it. What is your truth about what happened? Add a headline to the memory as you currently remember it.
   My headline was “I wasn’t there for my daughter when she needed me”
   Emelies headline was “Dentists don’t listen and going to have my teeth taken care of hurts”
2. Take another piece of paper and describe the same event again. This time write it in a third person perspective like you’re telling a story about unknown characters. E.g. “A woman accompanied her 8 year old daughter to the dentist to fix a cavity… “
   This will help you distance from the feeling of it and let you see the situation clearly.
3. Now comes the time to be creative. Look at the situation and ask yourself the following questions;
   • What else could this mean?
   • What have I learnt from going through this?
   • How am I better prepared for the future because I experienced what I did
4. Lastly. Write a new description of what happened and use the empowering words and meaning you’ve discovered. Set a new headline to the incident. Ours was; “The day Emelie learnt to trust her own feelings and stand her ground”.

If the feelings that come with the memory are shame or blame, which makes it even harder to distance yourself from, it might help further to imagine the situation but with someone you love. Picture the same event but replace yourself with someone you feel protective of and a warm love towards. When it’s time to ask yourself what else the situation could mean imagine what you would say to that person to help reframe the experience.