Aspiration

Christmas is around the corner and people have very different aspirations for the holiday. Some have been looking forward to the time off with family and friends while others are burning out with the extra work. A newly released study, SWEDEHEART observational study 1998-2013,indicates a correlation between higher risk of myocardial infarction and Christmas Eve. The study points out that elderly people, with a history of coronary artery disease are most impacted but I think most people are.

What do you envision when you think about the coming holiday season?

“Christmas is a season delivered by women for children and men”

Do you remember when Christmas, or any other major family gathering, became more than a happy occasion to turn up to? When you went from child to grown up and began shouldering some of the responsibilities for planning and preparing. I remember being in my late teens when I began noticing the effort needed for entertaining guests both during and after a party.

When I left home, moving to live on my own, I was struck by all the details that logistically challenge a party or family dinner.When to start the oven so you time the main course perfectly to when you’redone with the starter. Choosing what to eat based on how much you can prepare in advance. Setting the table with just the right plates and napkins in the same tonality matched to the color of the candles and so on.

The conscious driving force has been to make everyone feel welcome, to enjoy themselves and “not have to do boring kitchen work” when they visit me. I want everyone to have fun, eat good food and overall have a lovely experience. It never occurred to me that I was taking on too much work,I couldn’t see any other way. Everything just needed to be done and I was apparently the only one who understood the importance of getting it just right.I got upset with my partner who spent the party enjoying our friends company leaving me to the cooking and serving. I once heard that Christmas was a holiday delivered by women for children and for men. I remember thinking how evidently true that statement was. I never questioned why or if it had to be that way.

Who sets the expectations?

You know how you sometimes can recognize a bad habit or belief in others but be blind to your own? Someone once likened this inability to see yourself to the fact that you can’t lick your own elbow. Super weird way of saying it. I guess that’s why it has stuck in my mind. I watched a good friend and coworker struggle in life. She was in a tough job situation, working over time more nights than not, she and her husband were fighting all the time and she had two kids with learning disabilities who were failing in school. As the Christmas season was coming up I watched her grow more and more agitated. She got impatient and quick to anger. Once, a week before Christmas, we went out for lunch together. She wanted to see if she could find some last minute gifts at the mall. We started talking about Christmas.

I asked about her favorite time and she said it was when the day was over, everyone had had a good day, and she could finally just sit down in her armchair with a glass of sherry and just enjoy the silence and the lights of the tree. By the dreamy way she said it I understood how much she was looking forward to that time. I recognized my own tendency to go go go, not prioritizing myself. I thought of how motherhood somehow was equated to sacrifice. I wanted to tell her to slow down and lower her expectations. But I kept silent because, to me, she was making sense. Off course you have to sacrifice for your children and your family. Don’t you?

What else could be removed?

It wasn’t until life conspired and I found myself confronted with too few hours to do everything I “needed” to get done. I was close to burn out and my body made it clear I had to prioritize. All of a sudden there were things, that I’d never considered not doing, that had to be left for another time. It was painful and it hurt my pride and sense of achievement. I was failing. But it opened up something in my mind.

I realized that life went on just fine even when I didn’t get everything done. Even if I didn’t clean my windows twice a year, changed the linen in my bed every two weeks or bake homemade cookies for my kids birthday party I was okay. I was fighting my internal drive that wanted me to show how capable I was, that I was a worthy mother, hostess,woman. When life took away my ability to perform I realized what a relief it was to let go of the expectations. I was intrigued and started investigating what else I could remove from my life. It turns out I’ve been doing a whole lot of things that hasn’t given me anything but stress.

But what about Christmas?

The big area that I still struggle, to let go of, is when it comes to Christmas. I still have such a rigid idea of how it should be spent. And my aspiration is still to make it a perfect day for everyone.The million dollar question is; what does a perfect day look like? When I ask my kids they told me they actually look forward to the day before Christmas more than Christmas itself. The day when we spend time together decorating the house and make fudge.

What would happen if you cleared your prior expectations and aspirations and put the question to your family? Ask your husband,wife, parents, children what they most look forward to this Christmas. Ask them what they worry about or if they are stressed out about anything. Let them know what you look forward to and have a family discussion about your aspirations. Give them the gift of helping you and making you happy, ask them for help