#Goals

Who’s responsible for kids learning skills and acquiring new knowledge?

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Learning

The right to learning and education is described in the Children’s Rights Convention: “28. You have the right to an education. You must be able to attend primary school, and it should be free.”
I believe most of us can agree that having knowledge and skills is important. But how do we best acquire them and why doesn’t all kids have a burning passion for learning?

Whose job is it to teach our kids what they need to know?

Highly political question. Every pre-election period we hear our politicians promise this and argue that in regards to the school system. “We should give grades from an earlier age to ensure that we track the progress of learning”, “We must give more resources to schools to facilitate classes with fewer students per teacher”, “We should prohibit the use of mobile phones in school so that the students can focus more”.

In Sweden the debate goes warm about where the responsibility for our children’s learning lies; is it the teacher’s job or is it the parents’? It’s not an easy question. How much responsibility can be put on a teacher to provide an interesting, educational, thought provoking curriculum while trying desperately to get 24 kids to sit at their desks, keep the noise level down so you can be heard and stop playing with their phones looking for Pokémons?

There are so many responsible parents thinking it’s their responsibility. They believe they should’ve raised a well behaved kid meaning a kid that can sit still, listen to the teacher and do all the homework correct and on time. A traditional A-grade student.

I believe it is indeed our teacher’s responsibility to provide challenging and tricky problems for our kids to learn from. I think school should nurture curiosity and a will to explore. The school culture as well as the passion and drive of the individual teacher is so important.

I also share the belief that it’s my job to raise my children in a way so that they show respect and can interact with other people.

When it comes to the actual learning though, I believe, that the ultimate responsibility must be on the child herself.

Can you put that responsibility on a child?

I’m not saying that we as parents should just lean back and heap the responsibility completely over on our little cubs. “Go on, I’ve taught you to behave, now go learn everything your teacher tells you!” lovingly adding; “I’ll be so proud of you when you get your straight A’s”. No. Putting pressure on acquiring knowledge, I believe, will not serve my kids very well.

You know that saying; “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”? Nowadays there are thankfully many who talk about shifting focus to figuring out why the horse isn’t drinking in the first place. The saying has slowly evolved into “how can I make it thirsty instead of leading it around?”.

When I suggest that it should be the responsibility of the child to learn new things I don’t mean that we should commit less to their education. I just think we would do more good if we focus on getting them intrinsically motivated. If we can get our kids thirsty for knowledge and skills they will make sure to get it themselves. If we show them the real life effects of having knowledge and skills; the freedom it provides and the possibilities that opens up they will be inspired and motivated, I believe, to go out and get it.

Foundations for intrinsic motivation

So what are the basics for getting thirsty? Well, I’d be amiss if at first I didn’t at least mention the importance of nurturing a growth mindset in this context. Carol Dweck’s work regarding mindset details how foundational a growth mindset is to be able to maintain grit and persistence.

With a growth mindset as a strong base it then comes down to understanding what knowledge and skills are good for. Why is it important to learn new things? Do you know your answer? How would your kids answer that question today?

I believe learning is what makes it possible for me to reach my goals. Knowledge and skills makes it possible for me to succeed at whatever it is I want to be doing. Every goal, no matter how big or small, can be broken down to what I need to learn. It’s sometimes not easy to figure out what the individual pieces, of knowledge and/or skills, are for a specific goal. But even that is something that can be learnt. The skill of breaking down goals into small steps. The ability to take action is also a skill than you can learn.

So the basic foundation for learning, after a growth mindset, is to dream and to stay curious.

If you believe you can reach a goal you are more likely to do the work

As a grown up, with a slowly evolving growth mindset, I’m currently working on the skill to dream. Yeah, that’s right, it sounds completely insane but I stopped using that skill, which we all have at birth, and so it’s a bit rusty. Connecting the belief that I can learn anything I want, given enough time, to my dreams creates a whole new level of drive.

I believe that the formula for reaching goals look something like this:

Dream

Dream + Game plan + Knowledge/skills + Action = Reaching your goals

What are some things your kids would love to be able to do? Can you help her/him to break that goal down into bite sized action items?

Does she want to learn to play the piano to be able to hold a concert? Maybe you can break it down to learning the first three notes and play a song for your family gathering in a couple of weeks?

Does he want to learn to speak Spanish? Maybe you can learn a couple of phrases so that the next time you’re in a Spanish restaurant he can order the food?

Help them track their progress, remind them what level they were at just a couple of weeks or days ago. Bring their attention to the fact that it’s the learning that are making them progress.

BeBrave

The art of dreaming BIG, promising LITTLE and taking small steps

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start small

Taking small steps has not been part of my go to solutions for progress. Taking massive action á la no pain no gain has been more my tune. But like the snowball that starts small and grows into an unstoppable force I’ve started to suspect that there is truth, for me, in starting slowly and building my confidence.

“You should dream BIG!”

Yes. You really should dream big. Dreaming and visualizing a future that inspires you and those around you is essential for knowing where  to go. And you should talk about it. Talking and writing your dreams creates a special kind of magnetism that will pull you in.

When you talk to others about your dreams you also tap into a human drive; Social pressure. The human brain wants you to stay consistent with what you say so telling people about your plans will create healthy pressure.

There are two possible traps to be aware of when dreaming BIG.

The first is the risk of fooling your brain out of taking actual action. Since the brain doesn’t know the difference between that you think and what you’re actually experiencing it might get the idea that you’re already making progress. It will reward you with the chemicals of progress and you might very well settle in that happy feeling and “forget” to do what is needed.

The other possible risk of dreaming BIG, and telling people about it, is the risk of failing on your big promises. Look into the post about truth and keeping promises to get more background;

”The essential thing to understand is that when you talk to others, or think something to yourself, your subconscious is listening. If you say something and then don’t act accordingly your subconscious will get confused; “We said something but we didn’t take action on it. We better protect ourselves from feeling stupid/confused or like we failed. Let’s make that thing we talked about into something “not important”. We would never NOT do something that’s important so let’s make sure we don’t waste time on that unimportant thing! Ever!””

Dream BIG and promise LITTLE

Continue to dream BIG and talk about the dreams but maybe without a deadline? Promise LITTLE to yourself and even less to others. In fact – if you’re just starting to build credibility with yourself then start extremely small.

If you want to cut back on sugar for health reasons then don’t start with promising yourself to never eat it again. Start with maybe drinking one less soda per day?

If you want to start spending more quality time with your children don’t set the bar at spending two hours of deep and meaningful conversation seven nights a week. One; your kids will hate it 😉 Two; Maybe promise yourself that one night a week I’m going to set a reminder on my phone and when it rings I will go into my daughters room, sit down and say “I just wanted to be near you for a little while – is it ok if I sit here a couple of minutes?”.

Maybe you want to start exercising. Promise yourself to go on one 20 minute-walk this coming week instead of jumping into a stressful new routine that you’re not ready for neither mentally nor physically.

Building trust is the most important step

Making such small commitments might seem totally useless and idiotic. “How will taking one 20 minute walk bring me closer to my goals??” Believe me I know that doubt very well. I know the frustration that can kick you into action as well as the eagerness when you think you might be onto some new solution. I can get myself all A-type worked up and keep going HARD towards my BIG goals for a reasonably long time. But the BIG promises and vision always fails me when they are my main focus. I lose my initial momentum at some point and immediately my self-doubt kicks in and tells me “I’m no good” and that “see you’re not going to make it – again!”.

The trick is to build your trust in yourself in a pace that’s sustainable so that you don’t give that inner critic/fear ammunition when you’re weak. If you start small and keep hitting your goals then you will start to feel proud and slowly you’ll start trusting that when you say you’re going to do something then you do it.

Power of rewarding chemicals

Apart from building trust with yourself there is another theory that makes small steps so powerful. It has to do with chemicals. The brain loves “doing the right thing” – every time you do something you truly believe is good you give your brain the go-signal to release the hormone cascade that feels so good. You flood the system with dopamine and you think “wow, this feels good!”. You have that feeling of pride and happiness – you’re rewarded. This all happens subconsciously but that doesn’t stop it from impacting you both in the moment and in the future.

You will be automatically drawn towards the things that brought you pleasure. And it doesn’t matter how BIG or small the actions is. The only thing that matters is that you believe/decide that it is important. So though it might sound silly at first it’s all really just a smart management of your body’s normal functionality. How do you make a small step feel important if it doesn’t? Well, this is where complete trust in the aforementioned theory comes in handy. Do your own research if you’re not willing to take my word for it, which might be a healthy mindset since I’m no doctor with a degree 😉

When you look for the truth behind your reward system you’ll find all the evidence you need to start believing that steps, no matter how small, are the starting point for action and you’ll be on your way 😀

Triggers and momentum

Yet another way for optimizing how the human brain works is to use the power of triggers and routines. There is power in connecting one action to another. E.g. take your medicine when you’ve brushed your teeth or repack your gym bag immediately after hanging the wet ones up to dry when you come home. If you connect actions to each other and then focus on getting the small first action done then chances are that you’ll continue with the next actions as well.

Making small steps part of your life

Would you like to try using the power of small steps? What if it actually works? What if, at the end of this experiment, you have a bit more trust in yourself and you’ve started a few new habits?

For this exercise I will assume that you know an area or two that you want to change. Even if you’re maybe not completely crystal clear on what you want as the end goal I’m sure that there are some general directions you’d like to go in.

  1. For one or two areas, that you want to change/improve, pick one small action that you can take on a weekly basis. The actions should take no more than 15 minutes to do, ideally 5-10 minutes, and it should be something that leads in the direction you want to go.
  2. Make this a serious effort and research if you must to ensure that you truly believe that small steps give these valuable results.
  3. Make a plan! Take out your calendar and phone and schedule/set alarms for performing these small steps for the coming 6 weeks. You will have 6-12 (depending on if you picked one or two areas) dates and times for actions that should take no more than 5-15 minutes each.
  4. Notice if it’s working. Set another alarm for each of the days you’ve scheduled. Set it to the evening and when it goes off just take a quick note of how you’re doing and what the effects of doing your actions, small as they are, are on your mood.

Note; In my experience setting a small-step-goal to something that I can do in the morning has had the best effect. When I win the morning I tend to want to keep taking home other small victories throughout the day.

BeBrave

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

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Right or happy

During a management training I participated in, some years ago, we were asked a question that stopped me cold. You know, one of those questions that challenge everything you’ve up until this point believed to be true. We were talking about how to handle misunderstandings and conflicts. Explicitly how we as leaders show up and what our motives were moving into a conflict. If the meaning of communication is the response you get, then what response were we looking for? And then came another question delivered as almost an afterthought; “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

My instinctual response, sad to say, was: “Both off course!! If I’m right then I’m usually happy!”

It provoked me to no end thinking that I’d have to choose between the two. It was, to my binary mind, such a horrid choice. Either be happy but wrong all the time or be miserable while being right all the time. Since being wrong was so enormously hard on my self-esteem I interpreted the choice as no choice at all. I was basically doomed to be miserable.

As it turns out I’m much happier when I stop thinking that life is that binary. When I let there be more alternatives in life. What would being wrong and happy look like? When have I already experienced being right but still felt miserable?

What is Right is far more subjective than I ever thought

Growing up is a humbling experience. I’ve had to backtrack a whole lot of beliefs and truths the past 20 years or so. Turning from a know it all to realizing I know so little. There is no use in fighting for the right answer when it turns out there is no objective right answer to so many situations. The right answer is different for different people and in different circumstances.

Here are some truths I’ve carried:

  • One really shouldn’t play with food. It’s irresponsible towards raising well behaved children as well as considering that there are people that starve on this planet.
  • I have to eat dinner sometime between five and six o’clock or I’ll be “hangry” and miserable.
  • One should put the used kitchen ware in the dishwasher after finishing a meal. Not doing so is acting misbehaved and disrespectful.
  • I shouldn’t spend a night just sitting still in the sofa reading a book.

I’ve examined my own truths with questions like; What could I believe that would make that rule not be true anymore? Usually there are situations or beliefs where my truths turns out to be wrong for me. Situations where believing the exact opposite of what I thought was right turned out to be some of the best moments in my life.

When it comes to situations that involve other people you just up the complexity level of what’s right or wrong. The people around you will have their own truths and beliefs. What is right for someone depend on individual beliefs as well as the current state they’re in and the timing of the situation.

How do you want to be right?

Maybe something to consider when looking for the right answer is defining what being right means. There is a difference between being right over someone, i.e. if you’re right then someone else have to be wrong, and finding the right answer to a situation. What if the right answer is defined as “the solution that leaves both parties happy and connected”?

If you can find the solutions that meet that definition you will in fact be both happy and right 😀 Tada!

You radiate your thoughts and feelings – You cannot not communicate

Picture this. You’re walking into the living room and your child is sitting on the floor. Just sitting there still, looking into the distance, shoulders down, a frown on his face. Not saying anything when you walk in. You already think you know a ton about what that child is feeling.

Ever been in a situation where someone you know is being unusually quiet and asked “What’s wrong?” ´, gotten the answer “nothing!” and still known that something definitely isn’t right?

The thing is that you cannot not communicate. If you Google it the general belief is that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and only about 7% is the actual words spoken.

Stay flexible enough to find the true right answer

Maybe a final idea to remember. I got to a point where I truly believed that finding a solution from the other person’s point of view was the right answer. But the pendulum swung a bit too far in the opposite direction. I forgot to include the fact that I needed to feel good about the proposed solution as well. I sometimes swallowed my irritation and tried to fake a smile and my commitment. But since I kept radiating my feelings people rarely got really happy with my proposals.

When I look for “the right answer” I try to do the hard work of challenging my beliefs until I find a truth that really works for the both of us. Can I reconsider what my daughter’s behavior means when she walks out on our argument and slams the door? Maybe instead of being disrespectful I could interpret it as a young girl finding herself at the end of her abilities. A girl that has run out of more constructive ideas to be understood? Maybe she’s been taught that nothing else works for getting out of a scary argument. Maybe the adult have been fighting to be right and not to find the right answer…

BeBrave

Making learning part of your interior design

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Learning Worldmap

Would you consider using your wall space for learning? What conversations would begin in your home if you had visual triggers that drew your curiosity during moments when your mind is wandering?

When I was in my twenties my sister and I talked about the world. How huge it is in some aspects and how small in others. I mean.. the globe is enormous but there are truly a limited number of countries out there. Depending on the source, and political viewpoint, it ranges between about 190-195. We became curious to find out if we could learn all these countries. To name and place all 195 of them as well as remember their capitals.

We drew maps and created question cards with a name of a country on one side and the capital on the other. To more easily remember some names we created crazy rhymes and “stories” about them. To this day I know that the capital of Sudan is Khartoum. The reason is that our old dog named Sudden loved eating cardboard which in Swedish is called “kartong”.

Creating hooks to hang knowledge on

As the days and weeks went by we realized that we’d created something more than a neat party trick, “name any country and I’ll tell you its capital”. We both got the feeling that the world became more alive. As I began to internalize the continents I got the feeling of zooming in and out of the world map. My sister would test me for the capital of Cambodia and my mind would zoom in on that. Then it would zoom out and over the ocean to the next country she asked about. I remember feeling that zoom physically as well as hearing a quiet buzz in my head as the “lens” got focused on the country in question.

Learning the geographical place of a country and its name and capital created a “hook” in our minds. This hook served as a hanger that we could hang other knowledge and learning on. It’s way easier to remember that Machu Picchu lies in Peru now that I know where Peru is. In brain science it’s said that “Neurons that fire together wire together”. When you repeat knowledge your neurons fire in a certain order and pattern. Each time your brain gets a little more effective at firing in that specific order. If you create a strong starting point for a network of neurons a.k.a. the first two or three facts about something, then you can relatively easily add more fact to that neuron chain.

Learning is automatic when it’s borne out of curiosity

The best learning I’ve experienced with my daughters have been around our kitchen table. We eat both breakfast and dinner together. I always try to make sure we have enough time to allow us to actually talk and connect. I’ve promised myself that I will never use that time for interrogation, corrections or reactive problem solving. Focus when we’re in the kitchen is to laugh, talk about whatever comes naturally and to connect. Spending time in the kitchen should always be anchored to being safe to tell the truth. I want them to be able to ask anything they want and to feel loved and listened to. When we manage to get into that feeling together something magical happens; curiosity awakens.

Learning EnglishI’ve used the walls and the doors to our cupboards in the kitchen as a space to place visual triggers for learning. When my girls were starting to learn English I printed color pictures of words they might like. I printed cards with the names in English and put a reusable adhesive on the back of all of them so we could move them around. Some mornings we had only pictures of animals on the wall, some mornings only words so the girls could find the right picture for each word. Without fail I could change the pictures and one or both of them would notice and be drawn to working with the words. Sometimes they would ask me to test them on the words during dinner. They pay attention to what’s in front of them and their curiosity is automatic.

Focus on getting them thirsty instead of trying to make them drink

I used to believe that as the parent I should be the teacher for my girls, be the one with all the answers. I’ve realized however that there’s just no way that I would be able to keep up with all the learning that they are doing and instead I’ve begun to focus on creating a positive atmosphere for their own learning.

GlobeOn the windowsill we have a lamp in the shape of a globe. It’s Earth lit up from the inside, giving a soft glow to our kitchen during our winter mornings. We also have a large, 1*1,5 meter, world map on the wall. These two together have been the start of many conversations regarding traveling, geography and coordinates systems as well as historical and political questions.

It’s hard to resist the map when it’s so huge and so colorful. You’re drawn to it and it puts things in perspective. Here we are, a small dot in a country that constitutes just a little corner of the world.

We’ve been through some really interesting questions and it amazes me how much they already know. I also love how unlimited and open they are in their perception of the world.

  • Where would we like to visit?
  • What date and time is it at different places?
  • What kind of weather is there in different places and why does the seasons affect us differently?
  • Why does the map on the wall have Europe in the “middle” and do all maps look like that?
  • Can you get to all places on earth?

Dedicate your interior design to learning

Humans have different preferred ways of learning. Some like to read, some like to hear or see to understand and yet others learn best if they get to practice something physically. The most effective way is to combine as many senses as possible and one way to facilitate this, in everyday life, is to use your home space for visual triggers.

Maybe you can decorate your walls with knowledge and inviting photos and concepts? Maybe a photo wallpaper depicting a forest or a grand view over a city or even space? Use your living space in a way that encourage dreaming and that nurture that valuable curiosity.

BeBrave

Don’t know what you’re passionate about? – choose something!

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Don’t know what you’re passionate about? – choose something!

Ever heard that you should build your career around something you’re passionate about? I know a lot of people that just don’t know what they’re passionate about or that don’t have the luxury of even thinking about it – they struggle with paying the bills and getting the kids to and from school.

What if I told you that the biggest thing stopping you from living closer to your passions is that you haven’t taken the decision to do so seriously? What if the only thing missing is that you choose something to be passionate about and then walk through that door?

FALL for the pressure of society..

How secure are you in the choices you make in life? Do you look for approval from others?
Most people are very susceptible to the critique of the outside world. How then do we listen to our own inner voice and truth? And how do I know that what I like IS truly what I like and not just something that would please someone around me?

People around you probably want the very best for you. The problem is that sometimes those people have very different life experiences than you and their advice is just not relevant to your life.

One way to evaluate others opinions/advice is to look closely at where they are in terms of success within the area they’re commenting on. Have they earned the right to be a contributing tribe member? Are they living the advice they give? Sometimes people give advice even though they haven’t had the time to live that advice yet. Just like I’m doing right now 😉 When you follow their reasoning does it make sense to you? If so then you can incorporate the idea in your plans. If not, then thank them for the advice and make a mental note to ignore it 🙂

..or STAND for your curiosity

Another way to isolate yourself from negative opinions is to become aware of where it comes from. I bet you already know who you can expect negative comments from. So why do you fight against reality and expect things to be different? You can’t change someone else’s worldview. It’s actually quite irresponsible to walk into a situation pretending that you don’t know what’s going to happen when you do. If you know, based on prior experience, that this person is going to send negativity your way then DON’T get upset when that happens. See if you can just see that negativity as a sign of progress. No matter what you do that negativity will come, so switch focus and realize that negativity from this person means you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing in your life!

What if I don’t know what I’m passionate about?

Some people have no problem coming up with an entire list of things they are passionate about. Their problem seems to be that they get paralyzed by all the choices or ineffective because they try chasing all of them at once.

Passionate is a strong word though. Maybe you’re picturing obsessed workaholics or fiery flamenco dancers and don’t feel you can relate? I’ve realized it’s a problem for all us fixed mindset-people. We were fooled into believing that there is a “right” way to do things and that if we weren’t really good at doing things with little or no effort then that only proved how stupid and limited we were.

That is a sure recipe for not trying new things. And if you never try things then how are you supposed to find out what you like or not?

I’m learning about my own scripting and it’s a continuous trial and error finding out what I like doing. It’s sort of weird not being able to answer that question. Like I SHOULD know. I’ve realized that it’s much easier to follow a different feeling than that musty paralyzing passion.

Start with a smaller but still just as impactful feeling

Be still and listen to what YOU want to know more about. What YOU would want to research even if you were alone and no one knew. If you’re under stress from living a busy life it might not be easy to hear. It might be stressful even to sit still for a while and just listen. Be patient with yourself and give yourself 10 minutes. Take 10 minutes and sit completely still. Close your eyes and take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds and then let it out with a deep sigh. Feel your shoulders lower and feel the calmness come into your body.

Ask yourself:

  • Without any thought of financial return or of what the people around me would think – what am I curious to learn more about?
  • If I had a time machine and could reset any decision I made by just going back in time and start over, what would I want to try doing?
  • What person, living or dead, are you secretly impressed by and would like to know more about?
  • In my past. What situations have I been involved in that I’ve enjoyed more than usual?

Be relentless and brave – push forward knowing that progress beats perfection

If you’re like me and have just found a flickering little flame of curiosity then fight for it! Protect it fiercely from negativity and fan that flame as much as you can. Make it a deliberate act to nurture that idea and engage with it as much as you can to grow it into a blazing fire.

It’s truly more important to pick something and start learning about it than to wait for the right idea or the right time or the right amount of knowledge. Pick one and walk through that door! On the way you will learn about how you act under pressure and change, how the world works and how the people around you are and react to you when you’re changing.

And try not to take things to seriously. I think it was Jim Carrey that said in an interview that ”Until you’ve completely messed up in at least five situations where other people have told you that ”it’s now or never!” you haven’t even started!”. Pick something and try it out! If it’s not what you wanted you WILL find something else to try – but if you don’t start you’ll never know what it feels like to live truly inspired.

I believe that life is there for all of us. Let’s keep fighting and supporting each other to build it.

BeBrave

Encourage your children to blossom

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Encourage

A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms

Zen Shin

How would you bloom if you knew the people you love would always support you, approve of your choices and keep cheering you on?

How do you help your children bloom into their full potential?

The world is reacting to you

Feedback is what you continuously get from the world when you’re going about living your life. Any given choice you make will result in a reaction from the people around you. In the blog post about communication I’ve given the example of how talking is one way of interacting with the world. Another way is how you act. Sometimes the reaction of the world is that you’re not getting a reaction at all, even that is a sort of feedback that will tell you something.

Another kind of feedback is what you get when you’re not getting the result you are after. Some people call that feedback “failure”. And believe me I know how that feedback stings even though I know it’s just telling me that the current way to approach a certain goal is not working. The feedback is just telling me that I need to adjust.

The feedback you get as a child will form your mindset

We are all impacted by the people we are close to and by no one more so than the people who raised us. To begin to understand the scripting we were given as children, the scripting that if you’re not aware of it is still running your life, you can ask yourself some revealing questions. Speaker and Coach Tony Robbins asks a set of questions that can really help you get to the bottom of how the feedback from your parents has molded you.

  1. Whose approval meant the most to you growing up, your mother’s or your father’s?
  2. Who and how did you have to be/act for that person? (To get that persons approval)
  3. How are you still living by those rules today?

I believe that everyone are impacted by these most important early relationships What your parents thought of you depending on what you did have created patterns in your brain. You’ve adopted strategies for how to be loved, accepted and significant.

I also believe that parents do all they can to try to give their children everything they need. The intention is usually good. But as we’re all a work in progress we can be sure that, regardless of how unintentional, we’re more or less messing our children up in some way while we’re working ourselves out.

Getting approval from others

Some people are more motivated by external feedback than others but I think most people can agree on that getting approval from someone you care about feels really good. I don’t see a problem with that. It becomes a problem only when you feel bad about what someone else says or does. Have you ever got caught in what someone said about you? Started to doubt yourself based on an offhand question or comment?

Wayne Dyer said something really genius about this: ”Anytime you get upset about something somebody else says about you what you’re actually saying is that “what you think of me is more important than what I think of me””

Logic tells us that it cannot be true that someone else’s opinion of us matters more than our own. I am the one living my life. I am the one who knows what I like, don’t like and what my goals and dreams are. But the reactions we get from the world, especially our close family, massively impact how we feel.

We know that someone else’s opinion shouldn’t dictate what we choose to do. We also know that some of the basic scripting we’re wired with is not to be trusted either. Yet we often fall into doubt and uncertainty when the feedback we get from the world isn’t supporting us.

Encourage your children to blossom

Knowing that my actions as a parent heavily affect my children’s futures makes me curious.
What feedback am I giving them with my words, my focus and my actions? How am I conveying my approval of them as they try on different things, personas and beliefs? If my actions and words have such an impact on them then how can I make it an empowering one?

If anything I want to give my daughters the knowledge that they are loved for who they are – to let them know that there’s nothing they could ever do that would make me think less of them. How can I make them understand that the only thing that matters to me is that they keep searching for the things that makes them come alive?

How can I give them “permission” and encouragement to go on that search and how can I lead them when I haven’t found my own way just yet?

Some ideas comes from answering the question of “how would I like to be supported by my own family”?

  • Compliment my willingness to try new things
  • Support me by asking if you can help in some way
  • Refrain from asking me questions that only you need answered to feel better about my actions. If you doubt me then try to prepare to help me if your worries turns out to be valid.
  • Tell me that you are inspired and proud of the person I am and the person that I’m becoming

How are you supporting your children, and everyone else around you, in becoming the persons they are supposed to be?

Maybe answering some of the questions in this blog can give you some ideas. Let me know how you’re doing and if these questions have been valuable to you.

BeBrave

Stop saying “there are no failures” – I’ve failed plenty of times

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Failures

“In life there are no failures” – this is a belief in many self-help sciences today. I think it’s BS. I’ve failed many many times in my life. Failed to get the deal at work, failed on my tests in school. I’ve failed on making my relationship work, failed on taking care of my body, failed on listening to my daughters. The list goes on. Don’t tell me I didn’t fail – I feel the truth and impact of those failures to my core.

Failing sucks!

In my role as Managing director for a small IT consultant business I was the main responsible for sales. Going into sales presentations, pitching our ideas and trying to find the win-win deal was at times really challenging. To this day I remember a specific occasion where we got some live feedback on an epic fail.

Me and my colleague, who was responsible for the basics and calculations of the offer, went to a sales meeting. We knew that the customer team had been meeting with our competitors just before our meeting. We were nervous but happy going in thinking we had a strong case. The customer had teamed up with four representatives including head of purchase. At the end of our presentation when we were coming to the slide describing our prizing he said with a serious straight face; “This will be interesting. Of what we’ve read in your material sent beforehand you’re about 4 times more expensive than the other presentations we’ve seen so far.” I had trouble breathing and I could literally feel my colleague sink in her chair beside me.

Failing is very real

Saying that there are no failures is like saying that there’s no weeds in your garden or that there are no sharks in the ocean – which when I think about it might be truth if humanity doesn’t shape up. How the *beep* can people eat shark fin soup knowing how those creatures are treated? – side note – There are failures! Repeating the phrase as advice or chanting it to yourself to keep from feeling bad when something doesn’t work out as you wanted it to will not make the reality of it go away.

Don’t try to sooth yourself out of feeling the sting on not making that thing you wanted come true. Don’t pamper yourself into believing that you didn’t fail. Look at what happened. See the truth of it. You didn’t achieve what you set out to achieve – period.

We wanted to win that deal and we had prepared. Our goal was to deliver high value to our client as well as to take on a bigger delivery than ever before. We thought we had a great concept going. But we had gravely misunderstood this client. We failed to understand the level of ambition and requirements they had. We failed on asking all questions we should’ve to make sure we understood their needs.

Does it have to feel so bad?

So we failed. But does it have to feel so bad? Does it have to feel like a kick in your stomach, like you want to go to the bathroom and never come out? That’s what happened to me in that meeting. We were asked to finish out presentation, which we did, and then we had a short break before the last QA session. I went to the bathroom and sat there trying to figure out how to move on from here. I think that what saved me this time was the apparent distress that my colleague was in. She felt responsible and really bad. I had to step up for her which was way easier than for myself.

The saying “there are no failures” often come with the ending “only feedback” and this is something I can relate to and understand. Imagining that what happens is nothing but feedback on how effectively your current actions are moving you towards your goals opens me up to looking for new ways. When my current actions is not moving me in the right direction I can turn and change to see what new feedback I get.

We went back into our client meeting with the intention of learning everything we could to either repair this current offer or to at least understand how we must alter it in the future. We told the client the truth, we’d messed up in understanding their needs, and that we would really appreciate the opportunity to ask them questions to understand where we went wrong.

When we left we had an empowered feeling of having stood proud of our genuine win-win offer. We had been transparent and honest enough to admit our mistakes. I think our behavior also impressed our client. They asked us to come back and work together on other deals.

The power comes from the concept of feedback

When you say “There are no failures, only feedback” what you do is NOT making you feel good about not reaching your goals. It’s not meant to sooth you. The honest underlying truth of that statement WILL make you feel better. That truth will save you from the hurt even during all that time that it usually takes to find the ways that finally gets you to where you want to go. But the reason that it will make you feel better is because it will free you up from feeling those bad feelings in the first place.

If you can truly adopt the concept that the only thing that happens in life is a feedback on how you are showing up at the moment and combine that with the truth of how much you can learn. Then you won’t be impacted when things don’t turn out right immediately.

Want to try this theory out in your own life?

Notebook

Think of a time when you failed. You did something that you’re ashamed of now. That almost makes you cringe with unease when you think about it.

Write down whatever comes to you when you ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Did you have a clear result in mind before going into the situation?
  2. What was your true deep inner intention?
  3. What have you learned about yourself, your profession or another person that you didn’t know before?
  4. If the exact same situation came again, you had a time machine and could now go back and revisit the thing that happened, how would you knowing what you know now act differently?

Everything you learn you get to keep. Every situation that happens to you is an example of a lesson, it’s a necessary stepping stone for you to move forward, it’s knowledge that combined with everything you’ve experienced will make you into the person you are becoming.

Tony Robbins prompts one of the most impactful questions in terms of feedback:

  1. How is this situation the best thing that ever happened to me?

Look at the situation you chose and feel the difference.

BeBrave

What makes a good parent?

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Good parent

What skills does someone need to be a good parent? Are there objective truths? Is there a “maximum level”, a “right way” to act as parents? And who gets to give the verdict?

Before I had children I never gave the question much thought. I think I just believed that I would figure it out as I went along. When Linnea was born it took about six months of physical caretaking before I started to realize what a responsibility I’d signed up for. This innocent little human was completely dependent on us to give her everything she needed. And not just food, cuddling and a change of diapers. She needed us to teach her about the world, the dos and don’ts.

I became very aware of how I would pass on my beliefs and actions without even thinking about it. How my daughter would watch me and do as I did not as I said or wished she’d do.

So I began thinking about what would make me a good parent. And I realized I had some ideas and expectations that I didn’t remember choosing. When did I decide that being a stay at home mom, welcoming my kids with prepared meals and cinnamon buns was a definition of being a good mom?? When did I think up the idea that as their mother I should always have energy for whatever they needed from me? And what made me think that always having all the answers would be a good way to teach my kids about the world?

Your kids have expectations and desires

Last week I posted a blog from Linnea regarding ”The parenting scale”. She wrote about some factors that she believes are important to focus on as a parent. She’s old enough to have realized that some rules, that she didn’t like when she was younger, actually are good for her. Like the fact that there is a set time for going to bed and that there is a limit on candy consumption.

Being a mother means, to me, that I’m the grown up that needs to make the tough and sometimes unpopular decisions. That I need to stand my ground regarding some issues like safety, health (on some levels) and ways of interacting with other people.

“Put on the seat belt or the car won’t start”, “We eat candy on Saturdays” and “You can’t go around treating your sister harshly just because you’re in a bad mood.”

Don’t cave in to the feeling of wanting to please your children. Your idea of how a good parent should be won’t always correlate with their ideas. But it’s not your children that should decide.

Who decides then?

Well, you do! Only you know what your family needs. Do you know what values and convictions that drive you in this area? Humans lead with values. That means that the values you have will determine how you act. Your values and beliefs aren’t always conscious but you can uncover them by asking and answering questions.

Notebook

Bring out pen and paper and start writing down as many answers you can for each of the following questions. Note: If you’re a father or a grandparent then ask these questions from your perspective.

  • What is a mother’s role?
  • How does a good mother act?
  • What does a mother have to do to be a good mother?
  • What should a mother do for her children?
  • I’m proud of myself as a mother when I…
  • I’m ashamed of myself as a mother when I…
  • What does a mother do differently than a father?

Your answers will uncover the values you have regarding your role as a parent. When you analyze your answers, reading through them and asking yourself what value underpins your answer you will be able to write a list of values. Maybe you will see values like tidiness, authority, control, self-sacrifice.. maybe you’ll see values like family, cooperation, fun, teacher.

Look at your list.

Which ones of these values were passed on to you from earlier generations? Which ones has society ingrained in you? Which ones have you actively chosen?

How are these values impacting your actions today? Which of these values do you want to keep and which ones do you want to replace?

Once your values have been uncovered you can adjust them to support you and the kind of family culture you want. Sometimes all it takes to change a value and the behavior connected to it is to become aware of it. Knowing about it and consciously deciding to change it is at times all that is needed. For values and behaviors that are a bit more ingrained you might need to work more intentionally maybe together with a professional therapist/cognitive behavior specialist.

Celebrate and focus on the values that bring good things to your family, that way you will intensify those even more. 😀

BeBrave

Following your truth will lead you to your tribe

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Earth of Tribes

Have you found your tribe? The people that will support you, push you and see you both for the perfect work in progress that you are and as the person you are becoming.

Do you realize how huge this planet really is? We are about 7.6 billion people living here. That means that pretty much anything you think you are unique about is probably not that unique. Your problems, your quirks, your passions.. you can be sure that there are a huge number of people that share them. I think that is kind of reassuring. It means everyone has a potential tribe out there. Did you know that if you google ”Fishing hat” you get over 43 million hits? If you narrow the search to say ”Fishing hat with lures” you will still get over 9 million results! Search for “pink pants with white polka dots” – results 7 million…

Stay true to your act

This summer I read the book Linchpin by Seth Godin. In one of the chapters Seth writes about focusing on your truth instead of trying to please others.

He explains it so well in visualizing us as street performers. Think about it, a street performer doesn’t run after the people who chooses to walk past or trying to adjust his show to fit them. As a street performer you pick your stage and you deliver your act. You focus on getting better and better and on the value you bring. You will get immediate feedback in terms of how many people you manage to get to stay and watch and you focus on getting so good that people will stay. And some people will – the ones who appreciate your show, your act. The ones who trigger on the same things as you do. These are the people you want to pick your tribe from.

Believe me – your unique tribe is out there! Follow your heart, your inner voice and be who you are. You will find people out there to match you on all levels.

Contributing tribe members

There is a famous quote from Jim Rohn that states “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. Who are you hanging out with? What is the level of happiness they express, their mental state, how healthy are they, how are their finances, what impact are they having on the world around them, how much fun are they having?

What kind of friends, family members and co-workers are influencing you? Are you aware of it? Do you think the quote could be right? Are you at about the average level in all essential areas in your life compared to the five people you’re surrounded by? How are they influencing you and how are you contributing to them? Are you supporting each other and keeping each other accountable to the goals and dreams you’ve stated?

Noone but you need to understand your journey

Sometimes you will find that there are people in your tribe that shouldn’t be part of the five important ones. You’ve unwittingly given the right to influence you to someone who maybe isn’t going in the direction you want to go. Sometimes there are people that, for whatever reason, can’t be happy for you right now.

You know that kind of person you have to shelter/protect your ideas from? The one who asks too many detailed questions even when you’re just at the start, the one who tells you stories about how others have tried something similar but failed or just gives you the silent treatment with an occasional “Huh, I see” or a halfhearted “Sounds interesting, good luck”.

The five most influential people in your child’s tribe

If you look at the quote from your child’s perspective, who are the five most influential people? Up to around twelve you as the parent will definitely have a spot on that quintet. What about the closest friends at school? Other relatives? Siblings?

How do the five people your child spend the most time with impact her/him? Does your child feel safe, inspired, are they having fun together? Is there someone you would like to introduce to the company to nudge your child towards something new?

I met a mother at the playground where our children were playing one summer. They had just moved to a new neighborhood where the average salary was significantly higher than where they’d lived before. They wanted to make sure their children were surrounded by people who were part of a high-income bracket.

What tribes are you part of?

I’m a huge believer in creating awareness and the power to change once you know where you are currently. Would you like to know who the 5 most influential people are in your life?

Take out a pen and paper and write down the answers to the following questions;

  • Who would you ask for help before making a life changing decision?
  • Who do you want to call when you have good news to share?
  • Who knows secrets about you that you don’t share with anyone?
  • Who would you be afraid to let down?
  • Who do you want to be proud of and/or impressed by you?

These are the people you probably let influence you the most.

Are they the people you want to influence you?
Look at each in turn and ask yourself:

  • Is that person happy?
  • Is that person knowledgeable in the areas I let them influence me?
  • How do I feel when I’ve spent time with that person?

If you realize that you’ve promoted someone undeserving of tribe member status, then it’s time to make a change. You don’t have to exclude anyone from your life, you just need to reclaim the authority of impacting your feelings and/or actions.

Maybe you realize you have an amazing tribe around you – if you do then CELEBRATE them! Thank them and celebrate them and make sure that you contribute to them as much as they do to you.

BeBrave

Why are you talking? – Goals for communicating

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Goals

Ever met someone who just won’t stop talking even long after you and everyone else in the room clearly just want the monologue to end? Ever wanted to get your children to START talking when all you get is silence or a non-committed “I’m fine” when you ask about their day?
What would happen if you zeroed in on the specific goal you were after before you started talking?

Talking.. Putting words to thoughts is not very easy in and of itself. To then ensure that the words generate the same meaning, to the ones you’re talking to, that you actually intended is master class level of communication.

Why are you talking?

Have you ever stopped to think about it?  There could logically be a number of reasons, here are some examples of the answers I’ve gotten.

  • To be heard – get a feeling of being understood
  • To get someone to do something you want/need
  • To make someone feel loved

I’ve also spotted a few other “reasons” during the years when I’ve been consciously watching, myself and others.

  • Because something someone said triggered a story/memory in you that you just couldn’t stop yourself from blurting out.
    You’ve told that story a thousand times but you can’t stop yourself from repeating it. (That’s because you’ve told it a thousand times and the brain gets good at what the brain does).
  • To get back at someone
  • To hide behind some story to avert the attention from other more tender, potentially scary subjects

Start with the end in mind

In NLP, a leadership and communication toolbox I’ve studied, there is a base belief that states;

“The purpose of communicating is the response you get”

The background to this theory is the idea that communication consist of two parties, the sending and the receiving one. In true communication, compared to a monologue, both of you dance back and forth between sending and receiving. As the sending party you cannot really control what the receiving party interprets. But you can be sensitive to the response. Pay attention and be flexible in your approach until the message you’re trying to send actually results in what you want.

If you say “I want you to clean your stuff from the living room” to your daughter the result can vary from time to time. One possible result is that your daughter grabs her things and goes to lock herself in her room for the rest of the evening. Maybe that is what you want to happen ;p

Maybe the result you were looking for was an active help in taking care of the house, a clean living room as well as a happy daughter.

The key to be able to achieve your goals is to be very aware of what you actually want to happen. To set a very specific target.

Is the channel open or closed?

When it comes to children, and most adults, there is one specific factor you could benefit from payinng special attention to. Is the channel open or closed? If you’re trying to send a message the channel needs to be open. If it’s closed then it won’t matter how well you pick your words or how flexible you are in your approach. The message won’t get through.

Make sure that you have an open channel and your child’s full attention before trying to communicate. As an example, if you’ve ever trained a dog you know that there’s a huge difference in the level of attention that you can get from someone. If there’s a cat walking past the training ground… or if you’re all alone and you’re holding a piece of that favorite treat in your hand. Similarly the level of attention you can get from a child can vary enormously.

In my experience the most effective “tool” to use for attention and opening the communication channel is to be working on your connection. Take some time to connect to where your child is at before trying to work on going somewhere new.

Tips

  • If you want someone’s full attention then ask that person when it would be a good time for them. When I plan for our Saturday family meetings I ask each daughter when it would be a good time for her. I ask something like “would it be ok to have the family meeting in 5 minutes?”. That gives them the opportunity to plan in regards to what they’re up to at the moment and to commit to the meeting.
  • Don’t say “don’t” 😉 The brain cannot disregard information that is given to it. If you say “don’t scream at your sister” you’re not giving the brain the information it needs. It still “hears” “scream at your sister” and will register that.
    In this example what you might want to say is something like: “Be nice to your sister. She gets so happy when you’re being caring towards her”
  • Take some time to consider where the person you’re going to talk to is coming from before interacting. How does she seem to be doing today? What are her goals and needs? If you can understand her background and current situation you will have a much better connection and chance of finding a win-win-proposal.

Want better results in your life?

If you were to analyze what you’re after before acting, before opening your mouth to speak, the chances of getting there will go from random chance to at least probable. The next level would be to pay close attention to the result you do get and adjust your communication accordingly until you get the desired results. But let’s start with level 1: “Defining the desired result”

The next time you’re about to interact with someone try the following:

  1. Stop and ensure you get some alone time. Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom if you need some time, it always works 🙂
  2. Take a mental step back from the coming dialogue and ask yourself;
    • What would be the most amazing outcome for me in this situation? How would I like to feel when we’re done?
    • What is the person I’m going to talk to want out of this? How do that person want to feel?
    • How can I approach this situation so that we both get what we want while our relationship remains strong?
  3. Breathe deep and smile. Walk into the dialogue with an open heart and the knowledge that there is a way for you to both get what you want out of this. Walk in with the certainty that you are flexible, strong and non-judgmental enough for the both of you if needed.
    Stay in the present and pay attention to the feedback you’re given and adjust your approach until you you get the desired results for the both of you.

BeBrave

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