#Family Theory/Strategy

How do you go to the store without buying candy?

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Sugar Candy

Can’t there be a ban on candy in our stores? I know.. “Adult people making decisions on their own. What kind of communistic society would we have if the people in charge started dictating what we can or can’t eat” This blog is not an attempt at changing legislation nor is my aim to guilt trip all us consumers going against our better judgement and buying sugar filled products now and then.

I just wanted to vent my frustration over having to deal with the sugar issue so often. Commercials and the availability of candy makes my parenting life a bit more challenging than I’d like it to be. Maybe some of our strategies for fighting the sugar addiction will work for you, maybe you’ve got some tricks for us?

Taking my hungry children, or a hungry me, to the store = bad idea

A number of years ago the following scenario was a common one. Walking into the supermarket on the way home from work. I’ve picked up my two girls from daycare, they’re about 4 and 6 years old and as we walk in my youngest asks me “Mommy can we have some ice cream today?” I know they’re tired, I know they’re hungry and the easiest answer would be to say yes. Not only would I have an easier time getting home, I would instantly be the hero of the day in my girl’s eyes.

I can’t say at what ratio I’ve managed to stay true to my conviction and resisted the urge to cave into their sugar monsters. To be honest I believe my own sugar monster/cravings has directed my actions more often than theirs.

I’ve tried a number of strategies for minimizing the nagging and resisting buying things I think are bad for us in a long term perspective. The most effective one has been to help them become aware of their feelings and how they are affected by our surroundings.

The desire for sugar could be an evolutionary super power

In terms of an evolutionary viewpoint a lot has happened very quickly in the way we live as humans. Food with a high calorie count based on carbohydrates has never been more accessible than in the last decades.

Some argue that the human DNA, and our triggers to different kinds of food, hasn’t had the time to adapt to the availability of the modern time. If we go back in time our human ancestors were moving with the seasons harvesting the earth for food. Within that background there are clues to our eating triggers in terms of sugar. Eric Edmeades, entrepreneur/speaker/author, has described one of the triggers in a, to me, logical and easily relatable story.

Get more while you can! – Winter’s coming!

“Imagine that you’re a human ancestor about 100 000 years ago. You’re living in accordance to nature and the seasonal harvests of the earth. To be able to survive the dry season, when food is scarce, you need to store energy during times when energy is abundant. The season before a dry season would be equivalent to “autumn” meaning the period when fruit and berries are ripe. When a human ate something with typically high sugar intake it would be a signal to the body that “winter’s coming”. The human DNA would then “help” to prepare in two ways;

  1. Switch the metabolism rate down
  2. Signal to the human to “get as much as you can while you can!”

Imagine finding a fruit tree and eating of that tasty fruit. When you’re full you begin to walk away but all of a sudden you get this enormous urge/desire/need to go get some more.”

I believe this is part of why some people, myself included, have a really tough time to “just eat one” cookie. The body responds by urging you to get more. If I don’t take that first cookie I’m usually fine. I’m not saying this is the single answer to sugar addiction but what if this could be a part of the explanation?

Help your child understand the craving

One way to create awareness in a child is to tell them the story about the “sugar monster”. Pay attention to how the child reacts, some doesn’t like the idea of having a “monster” inside. If you know that your child is sensitive or if you notice that the story is a little upsetting then just adjust into maybe a… “sugar rascal” 🙂

The Sugar monster

Sugar monster

“Inside of you there is a little monster that loves to eat sugary things. It’s like a little sleeping creature that wakes up and feeds when it’s given candy, cake and fuzzy drinks. If there is just a little sugar the monster won’t get enough to fully wake up. But if you give it too much then the monster will wake up completely and start making demands! The more you feed it the larger and louder and more rude the monster gets. However if you refuse to give the monster any sugary food for a day or so it will shrink. Soon you almost won’t hear it at all and then it will snuggle up and just go back to sleep again. Sugar monsters really like to sleep and be rocked by you when you walk and run around playing. “

The story enable you to talk about sugar in a new way. Now you can relate to it when you want to keep the sugar levels down.

Tips for making it through the story without a fight

The sugar monster story has helped my girls to relate to their cravings in a way that empower them. On the way to the store I can ask them about the status of their sugar monsters – “Are they asleep or awake and behaving up?” This way we can manage the awareness about the “need” before we go in.

Here are some other tips I’ve tried.

  • Bring a banana or an apple that they can nibble on while you’re shopping. This will distract their attention as well as keeping the worst hunger in check
  • If you have the possibility then sit down for a couple of minutes before entering the store. Connect to your child and talk for a little while. Tell her/him that you’re about to go shopping and that this time you won’t buy anything sugary. Ask her/him not to nag you about it.
  • Explain about store marketing plans for candy/sugars
    This is a great way to create awareness and the ability as well as desire to resist. Ask them if they know why there is always so much candy close to the checkout line. Explain that it’s well thought out and done on purpose. The checkout line is where all parents have to go and stand close to so that’s where the children will be able to see and want candy.
  • Get them involved in the grocery shopping by asking them to find things from the shopping list.

If you have ideas or strategies that have worked for you I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

BeBrave

Following your truth will lead you to your tribe

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Earth of Tribes

Have you found your tribe? The people that will support you, push you and see you both for the perfect work in progress that you are and as the person you are becoming.

Do you realize how huge this planet really is? We are about 7.6 billion people living here. That means that pretty much anything you think you are unique about is probably not that unique. Your problems, your quirks, your passions.. you can be sure that there are a huge number of people that share them. I think that is kind of reassuring. It means everyone has a potential tribe out there. Did you know that if you google ”Fishing hat” you get over 43 million hits? If you narrow the search to say ”Fishing hat with lures” you will still get over 9 million results! Search for “pink pants with white polka dots” – results 7 million…

Stay true to your act

This summer I read the book Linchpin by Seth Godin. In one of the chapters Seth writes about focusing on your truth instead of trying to please others.

He explains it so well in visualizing us as street performers. Think about it, a street performer doesn’t run after the people who chooses to walk past or trying to adjust his show to fit them. As a street performer you pick your stage and you deliver your act. You focus on getting better and better and on the value you bring. You will get immediate feedback in terms of how many people you manage to get to stay and watch and you focus on getting so good that people will stay. And some people will – the ones who appreciate your show, your act. The ones who trigger on the same things as you do. These are the people you want to pick your tribe from.

Believe me – your unique tribe is out there! Follow your heart, your inner voice and be who you are. You will find people out there to match you on all levels.

Contributing tribe members

There is a famous quote from Jim Rohn that states “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. Who are you hanging out with? What is the level of happiness they express, their mental state, how healthy are they, how are their finances, what impact are they having on the world around them, how much fun are they having?

What kind of friends, family members and co-workers are influencing you? Are you aware of it? Do you think the quote could be right? Are you at about the average level in all essential areas in your life compared to the five people you’re surrounded by? How are they influencing you and how are you contributing to them? Are you supporting each other and keeping each other accountable to the goals and dreams you’ve stated?

Noone but you need to understand your journey

Sometimes you will find that there are people in your tribe that shouldn’t be part of the five important ones. You’ve unwittingly given the right to influence you to someone who maybe isn’t going in the direction you want to go. Sometimes there are people that, for whatever reason, can’t be happy for you right now.

You know that kind of person you have to shelter/protect your ideas from? The one who asks too many detailed questions even when you’re just at the start, the one who tells you stories about how others have tried something similar but failed or just gives you the silent treatment with an occasional “Huh, I see” or a halfhearted “Sounds interesting, good luck”.

The five most influential people in your child’s tribe

If you look at the quote from your child’s perspective, who are the five most influential people? Up to around twelve you as the parent will definitely have a spot on that quintet. What about the closest friends at school? Other relatives? Siblings?

How do the five people your child spend the most time with impact her/him? Does your child feel safe, inspired, are they having fun together? Is there someone you would like to introduce to the company to nudge your child towards something new?

I met a mother at the playground where our children were playing one summer. They had just moved to a new neighborhood where the average salary was significantly higher than where they’d lived before. They wanted to make sure their children were surrounded by people who were part of a high-income bracket.

What tribes are you part of?

I’m a huge believer in creating awareness and the power to change once you know where you are currently. Would you like to know who the 5 most influential people are in your life?

Take out a pen and paper and write down the answers to the following questions;

  • Who would you ask for help before making a life changing decision?
  • Who do you want to call when you have good news to share?
  • Who knows secrets about you that you don’t share with anyone?
  • Who would you be afraid to let down?
  • Who do you want to be proud of and/or impressed by you?

These are the people you probably let influence you the most.

Are they the people you want to influence you?
Look at each in turn and ask yourself:

  • Is that person happy?
  • Is that person knowledgeable in the areas I let them influence me?
  • How do I feel when I’ve spent time with that person?

If you realize that you’ve promoted someone undeserving of tribe member status, then it’s time to make a change. You don’t have to exclude anyone from your life, you just need to reclaim the authority of impacting your feelings and/or actions.

Maybe you realize you have an amazing tribe around you – if you do then CELEBRATE them! Thank them and celebrate them and make sure that you contribute to them as much as they do to you.

BeBrave

Why are you talking? – Goals for communicating

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Goals

Ever met someone who just won’t stop talking even long after you and everyone else in the room clearly just want the monologue to end? Ever wanted to get your children to START talking when all you get is silence or a non-committed “I’m fine” when you ask about their day?
What would happen if you zeroed in on the specific goal you were after before you started talking?

Talking.. Putting words to thoughts is not very easy in and of itself. To then ensure that the words generate the same meaning, to the ones you’re talking to, that you actually intended is master class level of communication.

Why are you talking?

Have you ever stopped to think about it?  There could logically be a number of reasons, here are some examples of the answers I’ve gotten.

  • To be heard – get a feeling of being understood
  • To get someone to do something you want/need
  • To make someone feel loved

I’ve also spotted a few other “reasons” during the years when I’ve been consciously watching, myself and others.

  • Because something someone said triggered a story/memory in you that you just couldn’t stop yourself from blurting out.
    You’ve told that story a thousand times but you can’t stop yourself from repeating it. (That’s because you’ve told it a thousand times and the brain gets good at what the brain does).
  • To get back at someone
  • To hide behind some story to avert the attention from other more tender, potentially scary subjects

Start with the end in mind

In NLP, a leadership and communication toolbox I’ve studied, there is a base belief that states;

“The purpose of communicating is the response you get”

The background to this theory is the idea that communication consist of two parties, the sending and the receiving one. In true communication, compared to a monologue, both of you dance back and forth between sending and receiving. As the sending party you cannot really control what the receiving party interprets. But you can be sensitive to the response. Pay attention and be flexible in your approach until the message you’re trying to send actually results in what you want.

If you say “I want you to clean your stuff from the living room” to your daughter the result can vary from time to time. One possible result is that your daughter grabs her things and goes to lock herself in her room for the rest of the evening. Maybe that is what you want to happen ;p

Maybe the result you were looking for was an active help in taking care of the house, a clean living room as well as a happy daughter.

The key to be able to achieve your goals is to be very aware of what you actually want to happen. To set a very specific target.

Is the channel open or closed?

When it comes to children, and most adults, there is one specific factor you could benefit from payinng special attention to. Is the channel open or closed? If you’re trying to send a message the channel needs to be open. If it’s closed then it won’t matter how well you pick your words or how flexible you are in your approach. The message won’t get through.

Make sure that you have an open channel and your child’s full attention before trying to communicate. As an example, if you’ve ever trained a dog you know that there’s a huge difference in the level of attention that you can get from someone. If there’s a cat walking past the training ground… or if you’re all alone and you’re holding a piece of that favorite treat in your hand. Similarly the level of attention you can get from a child can vary enormously.

In my experience the most effective “tool” to use for attention and opening the communication channel is to be working on your connection. Take some time to connect to where your child is at before trying to work on going somewhere new.

Tips

  • If you want someone’s full attention then ask that person when it would be a good time for them. When I plan for our Saturday family meetings I ask each daughter when it would be a good time for her. I ask something like “would it be ok to have the family meeting in 5 minutes?”. That gives them the opportunity to plan in regards to what they’re up to at the moment and to commit to the meeting.
  • Don’t say “don’t” 😉 The brain cannot disregard information that is given to it. If you say “don’t scream at your sister” you’re not giving the brain the information it needs. It still “hears” “scream at your sister” and will register that.
    In this example what you might want to say is something like: “Be nice to your sister. She gets so happy when you’re being caring towards her”
  • Take some time to consider where the person you’re going to talk to is coming from before interacting. How does she seem to be doing today? What are her goals and needs? If you can understand her background and current situation you will have a much better connection and chance of finding a win-win-proposal.

Want better results in your life?

If you were to analyze what you’re after before acting, before opening your mouth to speak, the chances of getting there will go from random chance to at least probable. The next level would be to pay close attention to the result you do get and adjust your communication accordingly until you get the desired results. But let’s start with level 1: “Defining the desired result”

The next time you’re about to interact with someone try the following:

  1. Stop and ensure you get some alone time. Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom if you need some time, it always works 🙂
  2. Take a mental step back from the coming dialogue and ask yourself;
    • What would be the most amazing outcome for me in this situation? How would I like to feel when we’re done?
    • What is the person I’m going to talk to want out of this? How do that person want to feel?
    • How can I approach this situation so that we both get what we want while our relationship remains strong?
  3. Breathe deep and smile. Walk into the dialogue with an open heart and the knowledge that there is a way for you to both get what you want out of this. Walk in with the certainty that you are flexible, strong and non-judgmental enough for the both of you if needed.
    Stay in the present and pay attention to the feedback you’re given and adjust your approach until you you get the desired results for the both of you.

BeBrave

When the risk of “falling” keep you from living full out!

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Falling

Do you or your child avoid trying new things because of the risk of falling and potentially looking stupid? There are some people that don’t even hesitate when they’re presented with a new challenge. There are actually people, adults and children, that actively seek the opportunity to participate in new situations!

I realize that my surprise at that tells you something about my mindset 😉

Fear of what others might think

When I was young I was that girl standing at the side of whatever was going on. I was watching, learning the ground rules and making sure I knew what was expected from me before even considering joining in. This behavior of course came from the fear of looking stupid. It’s a fear that I’ve struggled with growing up.

As an adult I came to realize how limiting and quite frankly BORING that mindset was. I was missing out on so much fun! When my friends went on ski-trips I didn’t wanna go. I didn’t join in with the beach-volley teams at the beach in the summers even though I actually had played volleyball in a team for two years in my late teens. I didn’t sign up for challenging physical races, no races actually. (Still don’t. But I’m working myself towards it 🙂 )

I decided to kick this mental habit out! It’s a work in progress.

You can help you child stay out of the fear mindset

If you want to help your child to stay out of the trap of holding herself back from new experiences there are many things you can try. It is of course, as usual, easiest if you walk your talk. If your child see you put yourself in new situations and see how you handle falling, failing and getting back up. See you laugh while learning. See you not giving up. Then your child will act the same.

Playhouse

Playhouse

I want my girls to play and have fun and not to be hindered by their bodies. Especially as girls I believe they need the extra encouragement to challenge themselves. Society will try to box them into a good girl behavior sooner or later and I want to prepare them so they resist.

Since they were babies we’ve been very physical in our play with them. Their father and I used to throw them between ourselves, very safely of course (!!!). We let them jump and climb all over our bed and living-room sofa (be very clear that that is not something they can do at other people’s houses). We built a little playhouse in their playroom up by the ceiling that they needed a rope-ladder to reach.

“How many times are you going to fall today?”

When the time came for Linnea and Emelie to try new things, like skating, skiing, skateboarding, climbing trees or just balancing, I used to smile and ask “So how many times are you going to fall today??”. If you don’t fall, you’re playing it safe and you’re missing out on the fun and the learning. It is at the limit of your ability that you grow the most. The question has given us many fun memories; when my youngest was learning to ski I actually heard her counting every time she fell and after about half an hour(!) of insistent practicing she beamed at me and stated “Mommy, I’ve fallen 34 times!!”

Use your words to help your child stay open

Read these sentences and see if you can feel the difference. There are ways of thinking that will encourage grit, practice, an open mind and curiosity. Maybe some of these tools, in terms of perspective, will be useful in your family.

Hey darling, you’re really good at skiing now! => Wow, darling, I see you’ve really put effort and time into practicing.

I’m really good at this! => It feels like I’m really on the right track!

I give up, this is too hard! => What other strategies are there that I haven’t tried yet?

This is easy! => I need more challenge!

Lisa skates so well, I’ll never be that good! => I’m going to figure out how Lisa does it so I can learn from her.

Use your body and your mind to become all you can be

Don’t let the fear of falling and looking stupid stop you from living your life in a physical way. Your body and mind are connected and developing the one will impact the other. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to build a strong mind through the shortcut of your body. Challenge yourself.

And hey, maybe the most important message when talking about this; have FUN! To participate in life in a physical, active way is fun! You will laugh and be energized and restored.

BeBrave

Tell the truth and keep your promises

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Truth

My theory about raising children include the importance of giving them tools that will help them lead fulfilling and independent lives. I also believe that the more empowering programming you can implement in your children early on the less time they will need to spend on re-scripting later in life. Although it usually is way more impactful to live my theories, than it is to try to raise my daughters into a behavior by talking about it, sometimes I believe it can be valuable to start implementing strategies and theories even if you don’t feel that you’re mastering it yourself just yet.

Your inner voice

For children and adults alike it is valuable to become aware of the beliefs  and often subconscious meaning that we color our lives with and that effect our actions. One way to help someone bring the internal dialogue into the light is to put a name on the “person” that does the talking inside your head. I’ve touched on this theory in terms of becoming friends with your fear.

Everyone has an inner voice that whispers the truths of the heart. To be able to hear this voice and then to grow the courage to follow it is paramount to live a life with integrity. For myself I’ve been practicing for years to hear that voice and to be brave enough to listen and to act accordingly. I’ve come to believe that this practice will be an integral part of my life that will never be “done” but more like a way of living. Even if I can’t say that I follow my truest desires or even always know what they are, yet, I still feel that it’s an idea worth introducing to my girls.

I’ve discovered two areas that are powerful in terms of discovering that you have an inner voice. The theories of these areas are simple so you can start with these even if you as a parent is not walking your talk just yet.

Telling the truth

The first area is telling the truth. You can measure the level of how you live your truth by how you feel about yourself when you’re alone. If you feel like you have nothing to hide, that the people closest to you know everything about you and still loves you, you can sleep without worry. Look for the non-egotistical version of pride and imagine how amazing it feels when you know you’re living according to your truest values.

Give the gift of living a life in truth to your children by staging situations where they will experience how good it can feel to tell the truth. Help them identify with someone who tells the truth and minimize the risk of them keeping things bottled up.

If you start when they’re small you can practice with relatively easy things and build trust and an open channel of communication. In the future you want your teenagers to tell you when things happen, you want to have a connection that ensures that they come to you with questions or situations they need to reason through with a trusted adult. If you have a shared history where it is safe to tell the truth to each other then it is far more likely that your child will continue to let you in as he/she grows older.

Keeping your promises

The other area is keeping your promises. Akin to telling the truth, the idea of keeping your promises is something that will greatly impact how you feel about yourself. There are two different kinds of promises you make, the ones you make to yourself and the ones you give to others.

The essential thing is that when you talk to others, or think something to yourself, your subconscious is listening. If you say something and then don’t act accordingly your subconscious will get confused; “We said something but we didn’t take action on it. We better protect ourselves from feeling stupid/confused or like we failed. Let’s make that thing we talked about into something “not important”. We would never NOT do something that’s important so let’s make sure we don’t waste time on that unimportant thing! Ever!” Your subconscious will definitely not assist you towards positive action, it might actually work against your higher goals.

These internal conflicts might not even be known to your conscious self. But having them will give you a physical reaction that will keep getting more intense for as long as you don’t adjust your course. If you have stomach-issues, difficulty to sleep, have tension in your body you might want to look inwards and see if your inner voice is telling you to do something that you’re not following through on or if you’re actually voicing something out loud to people that you’re not acting on.

Help your children to create an identity for themselves of someone who says what they mean and do what they say. By doing this you will have given them a behavior pattern that will help them lead a life based on their inner truths and to become someone that others know they can trust.

If you’re going on this journey as an adult

Treat yourself with extraordinary care during this process. If you’re not used to stopping and listening inwards it might be somewhat surprising and scary. Be gentle, be loving and be patient. That internal voice is yours and it will never say anything to hurt you. In fact, that voice, just like the voice of fear, is trying to get your attention so that you can live a fulfilling life.

Maybe you need to step back and look at the promises you give. Maybe it’s time to lower your ambition. I know that sounds insane! But it is MUCH more detrimental to your wellbeing and your progress to give high promises that you don’t follow through on.

While working on yourself you can still introduce these thoughts to your children.

Practicing with my daughters

I’ve been focusing on truth and honesty with my girls from an early age. There are so many opportunities to practice these skills during a day. Focus on the small truths and on the miniscule promises that are being stated and kept and shine your spotlight upon them so they become clear.

My youngest was once asked during dinner to put her plate into the dishwasher after she was done which she agreed to do. She was about 4 years old at the time. When she was done, about 2 minutes later (small kids have short concentration spans so help them by asking very close to the actual event), she put her plate in and I hugged her and told her how much I like that she’s the kind of girl that keeps her promises.

Another time one of my daughters told me about a situation where she lost her temper at a boy in her school. He accidentally broke her key chain and she snapped really harshly at him. She told me how she actually heard that inner voice tell her that she’d been too hard on him. He didn’t know how important that key chain was to her and she knew it wasn’t his intention to brake it. Her voice had made her go to him and apologize “almost against her will”. When she told me this story I hugged her fiercely and told her how proud I am of her, that she listened to her voice even when it didn’t feel so good in the moment.

Would it make a difference in your family?

What positive results do you think could happen in your family if your children were encouraged to listen to their inner voice and to make and keep promises? Would it be helpful to get some more inspiration and ideas on how to think and act as a parent to start to implement?

Actionable

  1. There are many situations during a normal family day that will come with the opportunity to practice. Head over to the Lifehacks page at MotherOfLions to get some ideas on how to implement and begin this journey.
  2. Practice often and please remember that it is SO VERY important to always give your children praise for telling the truth when they do. Start when they are small and the consequences are relatively small. Trust that you have instilled values in them so that they already know what the right thing is. When they come to confess is NOT the time to lecture!
    There will be times when you need to bite your tongue to keep from getting upset. There will never be a better time to prove the love and trust that you feel for your child. This is the time where you focus on expressing how grateful and proud you are that they told the truth. The harder the situation the greater the reward for keeping that focus on your connection.

BeBrave

Family schedule – Plan for fun as well as for spontaneity

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Family Schedule

It’s said that you “shouldn’t prioritize your schedule but instead schedule your priorities”. We use a family schedule to plan for fun and for efficiency – yep, recovering but not totally healed from efficiency addiction.. ;p Joking aside, I really believe that agreeing on a plan gives our family the tools for managing a lot whilst also having time for fun things and for flexibility/spontaneity.

We want to do so many things!

The need for a shared calendar became urgent when my eldest daughter started school. Before that both girls were going to the same pre-school and the schedules were pretty similar. It was when I had to manage two different plans including school trips, gym classes and homework that I realized that pure brain power just wasn’t enough.

I wrote “We want to do so many things!” in the subheading for a reason. I’ve always felt how important it is to voice your “wants” instead of your “have to’s”. “I have to go to work” is NOT a good thing to say if you want to feel happy about doing just that. The words you place on your experience will color it and give you different feelings about it.
“I want to read a bedtime story with my girls every night” gives me a totally different feeling than “I have to read a bedtime story..”. I am however stretching that theory a bit here since I really have a hard time with wanting to do chores.

The first tries in getting an overview of all our wants/needs were wall calendars and different sorts of apps. The wall calendar was good since we could all see it, the apps were nice since I could access it from everywhere. The problems however were that my girls didn’t have phones and couldn’t see the calendar and the wall calendar was so small so we missed checking up on it.

Doing everything by myself was becoming impossible

I kept missing to bring packed lunch on the days when either needed it. I failed to remind them to bring the gym bags. We spent many late nights working hard (stressed and angrily) on homework that had been forgotten and was due for the next day.

I also felt very alone in the responsibility for our house. I was the only one who actually had the knowledge and experience of keeping a household. Although I haphazardly tried to get them involved it usually ended up in a fight or in me stepping in and taking over.

The most persuasive factor for figuring out this planning issue was that I had a growing frustration inside. A frustration born out of not spending quality time with my family. Not having time to connect and have fun.

Family meetings

I read. A lot. I believe that there are ideas and answers out there just for the taking. My belief is that I’m responsible for solving my issues and I also believe that there is probably not a problem that I’m faced with that someone else hasn’t already faced and smashed! So I continuously search for solutions to my problems.

The books I read are in the area of personal and family development (intertwined with an occasional Fantasy novel – shout out to Tolkien, Salvatore, Sarandon, Maas, Gaiman and all the other writers doing such an excellent job in bringing stories and characters alive!)

One concept that kept coming up in regards to Family theory was the idea of having Family meetings. The format and purpose was described a bit differently in different sources but the overall idea was the same. A time for the family where everyone was committed to listening and participating.  A time that was scheduled on a weekly basis and that everyone had agreed to prioritize. For more information on the theory of a family meeting I really recommend reading these books:

  • Parenting with presence – Practices for raising conscious, confident, caring kids – Susan Stiffelman
  • The 7 habits of highly effective families – Steven R Covey

Visual aids

The idea to use visual aids was born from the fact that the kids were young and didn’t read that well yet. The practice grew on us and matured as we went along. My experiences with accelerated learning and NLP made me a true believer in combining the written words with the visual aids. Different colors for different subjects, board for overview and pictures for details.

GameNight LaundryGarbage

We planned our meetings for Saturday mornings

It took some time and effort to introduce this practice in my family. I was ready to give up a number of times. We still have some meetings that leave me frustrated about the lack of participation. I try to make the meetings fun and easy. To keep them short and to the point. Kids get restless and I’ve noticed that talking about “everything that has to happen this week” can be really overwhelming.

We’ve been trying out different approaches and come to a structure that works for us. We’ve decided to have our meeting on Saturdays. We start the day with breakfast where we can enjoy sitting still and not having to rush to work/school. After breakfast the girls go do something they want to do and I do some pre-research.

I check the mail correspondence from the teachers for the schedules for next week. I check my own schedule for activities that I need to plan for. Pre-research also mean that I make a preliminary plan for what we will eat for dinner during the week.

When I have a pretty good idea of the week I ask the girls how long they need to finish what they´re doing to come join the meeting. It’s usually between 5-15 minutes. I bring the board and we gather in the kitchen. We walk through the different areas; chores, homework, extra activities, fun times and dinners. We write and set pictures on the board according to how we divide this week’s activities.

Make it fun!

Please don’t believe, like I did, that a family meeting will be something that kids will automatically WANT to participate in. They really don’t. They want to do fun things. Kids know about enjoying life 🙂 One way is to plan for some snacks for the meeting! We usually make some popcorn that we can nibble on.

One important parameter for a good meeting is when I plan something that we can look forward to this week. Having some “good news” or a space in the schedule for spontaneous proposals for fun activities sets a good mood for the meeting.

Want some inspiration and more ideas for a family meeting?

If you want more details and some help in getting started with your family meeting go check out the Lifehack page. You’ll find the areas we cover in our meetings, some examples on definitions of chores as well as pictures that you can use for inspiration for your family board.

It’s really your responsibility to sell this theory to them. Again and again and again. It’s also your responsibility to keep a positive state during the meeting no matter what. The kids will come around and really appreciate these meetings but it takes time. Be persistent, stay positive, keep going with enthusiasm and if you need to cry, scream or just vent frustration look me up on Facebook! Join the group “Pride of Lions” I promise to listen and cheer you on!

 

BeBrave

Family routines and chores. Who’s doing what and are you happy about it?

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Fighting

Who is doing what in your family? Do you and your co-parenting partner/-s have recurrent arguments on this topic or is the division of responsibilities clear?

Getting things done and making sure the everyday engine runs smoothly is an interesting aspect of family life. As I’m a recovering efficiency addict – I have some experience on the topic. The father of my children and I separated in 2013. There were a number of reasons for our separation but I believe one was that we didn’t appreciate each other enough.

When we separated it was never a question of how we would divide the responsibility and “rights to” our daughters. We have split custody in a 50%-50% way. Linnea and Emelie live with me every other week and with their father every other week. As I moved out of our shared apartment into my own we had to create new routines to make things work. All of a sudden I was solely responsible for the entirety of a family. Every decision, every action, every aspect.. I realized the hard way that there were MANY things I had underestimated in terms of effort and therefore had seriously undervalued.

There are so many things you don’t think of

Over the complete timeframe of a year you get into contact with all the “basic” chores/actions that exist in your family. If you limit it to a week you miss out on some chores that comes around maybe once/twice a year.. wow did I realize this when the time came for managing the first birthday party, preparing the bicycles in the spring, fixing the drain, planning the vacation, thinking of Christmas gifts.. the list goes on and on!

A legendary relationship needs nurturing in many more ways than “just” appreciating each other for managing the everyday “chores” in the family. (The dynamics of true love need its own series of blog posts..) Dividing and agreeing on the basics and the musts in your family is nonetheless a really central component! Each individual item on the list might seem relatively insignificant in terms of its impact on family happiness. But considering the sheer volume and pervasiveness of these musts in your daily life you will benefit greatly if you manage this area well.

What difference would it make in your family if you stopped arguing over who does what? Would it be valuable to your relationships to appreciate the actions of others more? What if there was a way to voice that appreciation easily and with unforced conviction?

Here are some steps that could assist you:

  1. Understand each other
    Define the total list of chores together. You can do this in a couple of ways. One way, that is relatively easy, is to make individual lists of all the things you feel that you are responsible for. Make the lists and then merge them to a common list and tell each other about each task. Another way, that could actually also contributes to a closer connection between the two of you, is that you each start with a list of the things you appreciate that the other person is doing. Merge the lists and finalize it with everything that you can think of in terms of responsibilities/chores in your family.
    Note down who is responsible for each task and define it in terms of effort and frequency.
  2. Understand the tasks
    Understanding is the prerequisite for appreciating and understanding comes from doing. The beginner level of getting this understanding would be to switch responsibilities for a given timeframe in your home. However, the fastest and really integrated learning will come if you add some pressure to the situation. Try faking a divorce/separation for a given timeframe and take turns with shouldering the complete responsibility for the family. I’m not suggesting one of you move out of the house while running this experiment BUT if the one who’s not in charge can’t keep his/her mouth shut about HOW things are done while the other partner is learning the lessons then maybe that is something to actually consider. Consider it as a fun experiment and be sure to have a continuous and strong connection during this period. It’s not a trial separation, it’s a learning experience!
  3. Make adjustments
    Now you have a new understanding for the chores and for each other. You realize what the effort would be for You to manage everything and you know what the perceived effort is for your partner to manage the chores appointed to him/her. Communicate and make adjustments to the division of responsibility and frequency so that you will have the optimal conditions for energy and ease in your family.

Tips! When doing this exercise it’s good to consider some things:

  • Be really respectful and considerate in this exercise. Especially if you have a history of fighting about this or are in a situation where your communication level is low.
  • Be open! Keep all chores on the list until step 3 so you get to understand the actual effort as well as understanding your partner. But when you consider Step 3 then seriously consider each chore! Is this individual chore something that OUR family really need according to this definition and frequency? “Basic chores” are different in every family!For instance some families will change the linen in the beds every week.. I do it maximum on a monthly basis.. J In some families it’s a must to have a home baked cake for birthday parties, in my family the chocolate cake from the local grocery freezer is the BEST!
  • Divide the chores in Step 3 based on interest/ease to the individual. If it’s a relatively low effort activity for you to vacuum the house then volunteer for that chore. Maybe you can get away from having to take out the trash that is a high effort chore for you? The whole family will benefit from everyone retaining as high levels of energy as possible.

Be honest about how you perceive the effort of your tasks and respect that it is an individual feeling that you might not always agree on.

Respect and trust each other

Okay so now you’ve structured your list and divided the responsibilities and you have a new understanding of all the chores/musts that make up the cornerstone of your family life. Now is the time for a BIG FAT WARNING! It would be very easy to use that list as an agreement and to start expecting things of each other.

“You are responsible for buying the gift for the party this weekend, have you done it yet?!”, “The floor in the living room needs vacuuming, when will you do it?”

I believe it is important to talk this through very consciously. It should be an agreement that you can trust – otherwise the person that is not responsible for the chore won’t be able to completely relax the responsibility for it. But if you start using the list as a basis for setting your partner up… well then you’re soon in for that divorce anyways ;p

Finally; If you take just one thing from this post then please realize that the way you divide the chores and the agreement between you is just a START. A common starting point for making things easier and providing more energy to your family. In the end you really need to make each other feel needed and significant. Even if you’ve agreed on the responsibilities please don’t forget to nurture your relationship on a daily basis!

Simple appreciation and gratitude are underestimated and forceful tools for creating and maintaining that family connection and love.
It’s been said before but it’s worth saying again!

 

Threats, punishments and bribery

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Threats, punishments and bribery

I can be very convincing and persuasive, make my point and argue with conviction for my ideas. Coming from a background of a fixed mindset this was an inevitable skill I needed to master to make sure I came out of every argument “on top”, being right, having all the answers… (*sigh*). Having kids was part of what eventually made the cracks in my mindset large enough to let the light of growth and tolerance to begin to seep in. If by nothing else then by the sheer volume of situations where I finally just had to admit that the way I was acting or thinking was NOT working and that I needed to change.

Before I had kids I had a dog, a beautiful huge Giant Schnauzer (Riesen), named Gimli 🙂
I learnt the importance of an assertive and dominant leadership style, to ensure that my instructions were always clear and consistent and most importantly to make sure that my commands were respected. A fellow dog-loving friend told me “Think before giving a command! if you’re in your new beautiful shoes and your dog is in the mud field doing something you would rather he didn’t – then decide if you really want to shout “no” to him, because if he doesn’t stop you HAVE to follow up with going out there!” I learnt a lot about impulse control, consistency and alpha leadership from Gimli.

Threats, punishment and bribery

Sometimes the clear, assertive and serious attitude is hard to find…  Gimli wanted to help with the painting.  #Family Fun?

A CHILD IS LIKE A DOG – RIGHT?

When my kids came along I thought that raising them would be pretty much the same in theory as being the alpha for a dog. Be clear, consistent and follow through with consequences if not respected. I don’t know if you’ve tried the dictator leadership style with your kids.. it sure wasn’t working for me. I spent a lot of my time and energy on endless conflicts, trying to tell myself that this was just a phase and that they would grow out of this rebellious behavior. I used to say, only partly joking, that the three pillars of parenting were “threats, punishments and bribery”. This belief was one that I finally had to admit was not just flawed but actually completely inappropriate and destructive.

A child is not an inferior creature that you need to guard and put into place. A child need to know the rules that apply in interacting with other people, so yes you need to be clear, but they need to understand the rules and the reasoning behind them to be able to become questioning and self-reliant adults. It is also important that a child realizes and gets to experience the consequences that comes from choosing to act in a certain way. And consistency is important, the rules and consequences we’ve agreed upon should apply the way they do with everyone else they will encounter in life. But a child needs to be able to question rules, to choose their actions (and decide to suffer the consequences) and to test their limits and abilities to grow.

BEING A  PARENT IS ABOUT GETTING THINGS DONE

Besides the Alpha leadership idea I held another messed up belief that I think was primarily what pushed me towards the threats, punishments and bribery mindset with my kids. I believed that my life needed to be efficient!  I ran my family as if there was a diploma on the line. We needed to get things done! A lot of things! And that meant we didn’t have time for managing conflicts or individual desires. This also meant that there was very little time for letting my kids learn to do things for themselves. I dressed them, I washed them, I brushed their teeth and hair, I cooked all meals, I cleaned the house, I cleaned their room… We needed to be efficient. Get things done. And so the short term solution was to threat or bribe my kids into just doing what they were told. No surprise… I was a very tired mom.

The thing is that I have actually always also believed that one of my jobs as a parent is to teach them to be self-reliant and to be able to take care of themselves. I was feeling increasingly stressed about when I would get enough time and energy to get to that teaching. As if teaching was something isolated from our everyday life.

I’ve come to accept that the teaching I do is primary through the way I live my life and that the lessons are there every day in our interactions with each other and with the people and circumstances that life put in our way.

BEING EFFICIENT vs LIVING YOUR #Family Purpose

Have you considered what your job as a parent is? Your answer will be unique in detail to you and your background. Are you running to be efficient or are you effective in making progress towards something important in the long run and enjoying your life?

Threats, punishments and bribery are not strategies that will contribute to #Family Connection and probably not to any of your long term goals. If you want more information to be convinced I can recommend reading the book Kids are worth it! by Barbara Coloroso.

But if you, like me, have been using these strategies you can actually get good use and golden nuggets out of them even as you work towards eliminating them from your life. You can use the situations where you tend to stumble into these strategies as beacons for finding situations to change. Often one or two changes that are of core importance is all it takes to make a huge difference.

TAKE ACTION – Get a piece of paper and write down the answers to these questions:

  1. In what situations during a normal day do we get into conflicts where I start using threats of punishments to get my way?

  2. What is the real reason that my child is digging his/her heals down in that situation?

  3. What do I want to happen?

  4. What can I do differently to still achieve what I want but without losing our warm connection?

BE PATIENT AND OPEN

Be kind to yourself while working to change. And be patient. It takes time for your child to trust the change you’re trying to implement. He/she will test you several times to verify your resolve and commitment.

I had a continuous fight with one of my daughters about getting out of bed in the mornings. She was always tired and in a bad mood.

We talked about it after dinner one night and I asked her if she could think of a way that I could wake her so that she would wake up happier. She knew exactly what she wanted; “I want you to attack me and tickle me with kisses!”  I thought “Yeah right! She will bite my head of for rudely wakening her!” but she actually loved it! Sure, she was a bit chocked at first but almost immediately she realized what was going on and was both laughing and cuddling me. 

Stay true to your needs. Listen to your child. Find ways that works for the both of you!

BeBrave