#Family Theory/Strategy

Self love – It’s a parents job to love and let go

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Teach self love

It’s hard to find a feeling more overwhelming than the love I feel for my children. The picture was taken when my daughter was about twelve months old and it reminds me of the role I believe I have as a mother. It’s my job to love my girls and to let go of them. To provide a safe haven that they can always count on and return to. I know that my love for them is always going to be more of my focus than their love for me will be for them. They are, and should be, busy going after life. Experiencing, epic failing, learning and adjusting. Having fun. Loving.

Loving her teaches her she’s worthy of love

I’ve listed my values and beliefs concerning my parenting on the MotherOfLions webpage; https://motheroflions.com/aboutcaution/ One of them states that “Children are born perfect and deserve love for who they are”. Children come to us perfect, innocent, present, joyful and it’s our job not to mess them up, not to dim their light.

As a parent I have an enormous opportunity to influence this new little human. By giving her my full attention, when she needs it, I teach her how worthy she is. When I express joy and pleasure for spending time with her I show how she has the influence to affect others positively. By me actively searching her out and asking for her company she feels she’s important.

The more I love her for just being her the more she opens up to me. I try to make it a habit to look into her eyes every morning and every night and tell her “I love you”. Sometimes she’s in a tired morning pre-teen kind of mood or in a busy don’t interrupt me kind of mood and just brushes it off. I believe it still seeps in. And sometimes she looks me right back in my eyes and tells me “I love you too mom”. You know.. with that presence and open honesty that completely floors me.

Your role as her parent is important

You can usually tell if a person was loved by her parents, when she was little, by how she shows up in the world. If you can provide a safe home where she feels loved and that she belongs you’ll have given her the baseline truth that she’s worthy of those feelings. She will expect it from life and what she looks for she will find. If she stays open and curious and keep expecting good things to come her way she’ll have an attitude towards people that is both disarming and magnetic.

But her understanding of the power of self love is more important

There is a video on Youtube called “Jessica’s Daily Affirmation”.  It shows a girl, approx. 5 years old, standing in front of her mirror stating everything she’s happy for and everything she likes. She likes her elephant and her dad (at least twice 🙂 ) and her sister and her hair and her pajamas 😀

I wish I could have given my daughters that idea when they were even younger and not already starting to care too much about what people think. I asked my daughter the other day if she’d ever stood in front of the mirror and told herself that she loves herself. She sort of balked at the idea. “No, that would feel a bit like bragging”. I’ve clearly got some work to do!

My plan is to keep depositing love into her emotional bank account (ref. Steven Covey) but also to try to figure out a way to explain to her, in a way that a 9-year old can relate to, how important it is to love oneself.

When she fills her own cup first she will have a continuous overflow of love to keep pouring on to others. If she loves herself she will treat others with even more compassion. If she doesn’t focus on loving herself first there won’t be enough of her for the rest of us – a very selfish way to handle her life 😉

My daughter is a complete love bug so my guess is those arguments will get her to at least consider practicing more self love.

Walk your talk – showing what self love looks like

Now read this post one more time – this time exchange all places that refer to a daughter with a reference to yourself. If you cannot show her what true self love looks like no amount of teaching or preaching will do it for her. You must do the work of looking inwards and finding what, if anything, is stopping you from loving yourself. Be courageous for yourself and your children and start a practice of looking yourself in the eyes, most easily done I a mirror ( 😉 ), morning and night and tell yourself that you love you.

If you want to take it to master class level then goolge “Mirror exercise” by Lisa Nichols. It’s a simple but very powerful exercise that feels SO WEIRD the first couple of times you do it. I highly recommend it 😀

BeBrave

How often do you let your inner child lead towards playfulness?

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Playfulness

What would change your feelings towards playfulness when you’re faced with a negative situation? What could you add or subtract to make an experience that you earlier thought of as an energy drain into something at least neutral or maybe even fun? When was the last time you stopped and listened to that inner child begging you to play?

Photo of the inner children

I saw the photo credited to Gerome Viavant , taken at Burning man, a couple of years ago. To me this constellation is truly inspiring and thought provoking. It’s a beautiful piece of art showing us our inner children. I realized many years ago that I have, indeed, a young girl inside of me. She’s about the age of five – you can reason with her but she’s kinda easily frightened. My girl usually needs me to reassure her and make her feel safe – she’s the voice of my girlish fears.

I’ve had occasions where I’ve had to take her by the hand and tell her it’ll be ok. Inside my mind I’ve literally said the words “baby, I know you’re afraid right now, but it’s going to be okay. We need to do this even if it’s scary”.

I’ve also had the distinct feeling that it’s that little girl who keeps me sulking long after I, as an adult, think it’s reasonable. When I’ve been in an argument with someone I care about and my conscious mind really only wants to get back on track with that person there she is, that pouting little girl, stopping me. An art constellation describing that voice would be more accurate with the inner children turned away in resentment and hurt.

The real photo, I believe, describes another voice. The one that doesn’t take things so seriously. More like that of Anna in Frozen – “Do you want to build a snowman? Come on, let’s go and play!”.

Can playfulness be a choice?

What would happen if you added a little, or a lot, more play to your life?

What addition would make your everyday chores more enjoyable? And what about exercise? Or spending dinner with your family? How could you bring laughter into dinner time in a way that’d leave you gasping for breath because you’d be laughing so hard? Would your teenagers look forward to family dinner time more if that was the setting?

I love using music to brighten my mood. Music and candles 🙂 Almost every family meal is accompanied by lit candles. The music we listen to differs a little depending on what time of day it is. Calm in the mornings, upbeat during the weekends and evenings. Sometimes we sing along and goof around or start dancing in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, we also spend some meals in silence because we’re just irritated or too tired to talk – we Are a pretty normal family 🙂

My point is this. Why would you want to do something one way when there’s possibly other ways to do the same thing that include laughter and fun? What does your inner child say? What are some things you loved doing as a child that would surprise your children or even your spouse if you did today?

Can cleaning your room be fun?

When my daughter Emelie was younger she had a really cool way of tidying her room. She’s always had a vivid imagination and she never minded spending time on her own. When the time came to tidy her room she made it into a game. I’d hear play going on in her room and sometimes go to remind her to get started. But she’d be in full tidying mode already half done – she’d “invented a game to make it more fun” 🙂

Her Pet shop pets were involved. She’d separate them into three different teams and then start a competition for them. The team that got their tidying done first would be the winner. Then she’d go through team after team and let each team progress in their area. The dogs would start with the table that was filled with pens, glue, paper and other traces of creativity. When they’d gotten a long way she’d switch to the cats team and get them working on getting all the laundry into the laundry basket. When almost all clothes were gone she’d move on to the third group (horses?, birds?.. don’t know..) and get them busy with tidying everything off of the floor. Then back to the first group and on and on until all groups were almost done – the exciting finale; which team would stand as the winning one?

It took her something like three times as long to tidy up but she’d have a great time doing it and it got done. A win-win for everyone 🙂

Would you like to share your ideas for making family life fun and enjoyable on a weekday basis? Please leave a comment and share! 🙂

BeBrave

Forgiving – It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills

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Venom

Life happens

I believe that we can’t completely protect ourselves from hurt. Life happens. Big things happen that are out of our control, people we love get sick, accidents occur, death and taxes – life happens. Apart from those big ones there are innumerable occasions where we’re in contact with other people and risk being hurt. Communication is tricky and misunderstandings are inevitable. So how can you approach this capricious dance called life?

One key could be to consider the old saying “It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills”. What does that really mean? To me it means that if I hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise, it’s not the actual incident that is the biggest concern for our relationship. It’s the period after the incident and how you and that person deals with the aftermath of it that’s the real challenge. If the incident isn’t managed well the person that got hurt will have a mental venom coursing through their head which will slowly erode your relationship.

The same goes for a situation where I’m the one that’s been hurt. The bite itself won’t continue to hurt me, the incident is over, it’s the thoughts and feelings relived afterwards that will continue to cause me pain if I let it.

Managing to extract the venom after there’s been a bite requires effort – it’s called forgiving.

Apologizing is a first step

Apologizing is sometimes really difficult. You didn’t mean to cause hurt and it can feel unfair to have to apologize just because someone misunderstood your intention. It’s important to learn the skill of apologizing as a first step towards forgiveness.

Forgiving has a complex role in a life well lived. Really letting go of hurt is important. Sometimes you are the one that can deliver that gift to someone else and sometimes you have to give that gift to yourself.

Forgiving someone that hurt you

When something has happened that have left you feeling hurt you have that venom coursing through you. Even if you fully accept that what you need to do, to feel better, is to forgive it’s sometimes not all that easy to do. Even when the one that hurt you is sincerely apologizing it might still feel painful and sad inside. This is a tricky situation that requires some internal digging and honesty on your part.

First be honest with yourself about what you need to be able to forgive completely. And really be honest with yourself. No one stands to gain from you pretending to forgive or saying that you do when you still harbor sadness or resentment. You need to understand yourself before you can articulate to someone else what you need.

When you know what you need and feel secure in the reasonability of these desires the next step is to figure out how to communicate them to the people involved. How can you convey your needs in a way that leaves the person apologizing willing to comply? Apologizing is vulnerable in the first place, being rejected and asked to “do more” can drive people away. You want to be a person that it’s easy to apologize to but not someone that is left with the pain of faking forgiveness. It’s a balancing act that requires honesty and true communication.

Forgiving without an apology

Sometimes things happen and there is no one around to give an apology in the first place. There are people that aren’t capable of accepting responsibility for causing hurt enough to apologize. Sometimes the person that hurt you isn’t even alive any more. If you have pain in your life because of something someone did to you then you are still a victim to what happened.

The venom is still in you. Even though the bite maybe happened a long time ago. Can you extract that venom by yourself? Clean your blood and release your body and soul of pain?

I believe that forgiving is a choice and a skill we can learn and that it’s one of the most important gifts we can give to ourselves.

Letting go of guilt when forgiveness is withheld from you

One of the most difficult situations, when it comes to forgiveness, is when someone you’ve hurt can’t get over the pain you caused. When the gift of forgiveness isn’t given to you even when you vulnerably ask for it.

Some people can’t accept an apology without enough time for their feelings to cool off. It’s hard to live with having hurt someone that you love that needs time for the anger/resentment to dissipate. To leave them alone when all you want to do is heal that broken connection.

Worst of all are those situations where someone can’t accept your apology no matter how long time it takes or how you try to fix things. In these circumstances you eventually will need to do something that sounds easy but can be extremely difficult; You have to let it go, you must find a way to forgive yourself and move on.

Do you have venom searing through your body and soul?

If you have unresolved situations in your life, things have happened that you cannot forgive, you are most certainly in a negative energy spiral. Would it be valuable to you to free up some of that energy?

Take out that pen and paper and write down the answers to the following questions:Notebook

  1. Think of a situation you keep coming back to in your mind where someone did something to you that you can’t get over. Describe the situation.
  2. Now think about this situation as if you were in the other person’s body and mind. How was she/he feeling, what was the intention? If you had to list three mitigating circumstances for the behavior what would they be?
  3. How would your life be different if you could truly let go of the hurt of that situation?
  4. What are two things you could do that would help you move on?

Sometimes there is resistance when trying to do this exercise, if you run into a mental block then take a deep breath and try to change focus. Try answering as if the answers are really easy or really basic – write whatever comes to mind – writing something, anything, will move you forward.

BeBrave

Who’s responsible for kids learning skills and acquiring new knowledge?

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Learning

The right to learning and education is described in the Children’s Rights Convention: “28. You have the right to an education. You must be able to attend primary school, and it should be free.”
I believe most of us can agree that having knowledge and skills is important. But how do we best acquire them and why doesn’t all kids have a burning passion for learning?

Whose job is it to teach our kids what they need to know?

Highly political question. Every pre-election period we hear our politicians promise this and argue that in regards to the school system. “We should give grades from an earlier age to ensure that we track the progress of learning”, “We must give more resources to schools to facilitate classes with fewer students per teacher”, “We should prohibit the use of mobile phones in school so that the students can focus more”.

In Sweden the debate goes warm about where the responsibility for our children’s learning lies; is it the teacher’s job or is it the parents’? It’s not an easy question. How much responsibility can be put on a teacher to provide an interesting, educational, thought provoking curriculum while trying desperately to get 24 kids to sit at their desks, keep the noise level down so you can be heard and stop playing with their phones looking for Pokémons?

There are so many responsible parents thinking it’s their responsibility. They believe they should’ve raised a well behaved kid meaning a kid that can sit still, listen to the teacher and do all the homework correct and on time. A traditional A-grade student.

I believe it is indeed our teacher’s responsibility to provide challenging and tricky problems for our kids to learn from. I think school should nurture curiosity and a will to explore. The school culture as well as the passion and drive of the individual teacher is so important.

I also share the belief that it’s my job to raise my children in a way so that they show respect and can interact with other people.

When it comes to the actual learning though, I believe, that the ultimate responsibility must be on the child herself.

Can you put that responsibility on a child?

I’m not saying that we as parents should just lean back and heap the responsibility completely over on our little cubs. “Go on, I’ve taught you to behave, now go learn everything your teacher tells you!” lovingly adding; “I’ll be so proud of you when you get your straight A’s”. No. Putting pressure on acquiring knowledge, I believe, will not serve my kids very well.

You know that saying; “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”? Nowadays there are thankfully many who talk about shifting focus to figuring out why the horse isn’t drinking in the first place. The saying has slowly evolved into “how can I make it thirsty instead of leading it around?”.

When I suggest that it should be the responsibility of the child to learn new things I don’t mean that we should commit less to their education. I just think we would do more good if we focus on getting them intrinsically motivated. If we can get our kids thirsty for knowledge and skills they will make sure to get it themselves. If we show them the real life effects of having knowledge and skills; the freedom it provides and the possibilities that opens up they will be inspired and motivated, I believe, to go out and get it.

Foundations for intrinsic motivation

So what are the basics for getting thirsty? Well, I’d be amiss if at first I didn’t at least mention the importance of nurturing a growth mindset in this context. Carol Dweck’s work regarding mindset details how foundational a growth mindset is to be able to maintain grit and persistence.

With a growth mindset as a strong base it then comes down to understanding what knowledge and skills are good for. Why is it important to learn new things? Do you know your answer? How would your kids answer that question today?

I believe learning is what makes it possible for me to reach my goals. Knowledge and skills makes it possible for me to succeed at whatever it is I want to be doing. Every goal, no matter how big or small, can be broken down to what I need to learn. It’s sometimes not easy to figure out what the individual pieces, of knowledge and/or skills, are for a specific goal. But even that is something that can be learnt. The skill of breaking down goals into small steps. The ability to take action is also a skill than you can learn.

So the basic foundation for learning, after a growth mindset, is to dream and to stay curious.

If you believe you can reach a goal you are more likely to do the work

As a grown up, with a slowly evolving growth mindset, I’m currently working on the skill to dream. Yeah, that’s right, it sounds completely insane but I stopped using that skill, which we all have at birth, and so it’s a bit rusty. Connecting the belief that I can learn anything I want, given enough time, to my dreams creates a whole new level of drive.

I believe that the formula for reaching goals look something like this:

Dream

Dream + Game plan + Knowledge/skills + Action = Reaching your goals

What are some things your kids would love to be able to do? Can you help her/him to break that goal down into bite sized action items?

Does she want to learn to play the piano to be able to hold a concert? Maybe you can break it down to learning the first three notes and play a song for your family gathering in a couple of weeks?

Does he want to learn to speak Spanish? Maybe you can learn a couple of phrases so that the next time you’re in a Spanish restaurant he can order the food?

Help them track their progress, remind them what level they were at just a couple of weeks or days ago. Bring their attention to the fact that it’s the learning that are making them progress.

BeBrave

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

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Right or happy

During a management training I participated in, some years ago, we were asked a question that stopped me cold. You know, one of those questions that challenge everything you’ve up until this point believed to be true. We were talking about how to handle misunderstandings and conflicts. Explicitly how we as leaders show up and what our motives were moving into a conflict. If the meaning of communication is the response you get, then what response were we looking for? And then came another question delivered as almost an afterthought; “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

My instinctual response, sad to say, was: “Both off course!! If I’m right then I’m usually happy!”

It provoked me to no end thinking that I’d have to choose between the two. It was, to my binary mind, such a horrid choice. Either be happy but wrong all the time or be miserable while being right all the time. Since being wrong was so enormously hard on my self-esteem I interpreted the choice as no choice at all. I was basically doomed to be miserable.

As it turns out I’m much happier when I stop thinking that life is that binary. When I let there be more alternatives in life. What would being wrong and happy look like? When have I already experienced being right but still felt miserable?

What is Right is far more subjective than I ever thought

Growing up is a humbling experience. I’ve had to backtrack a whole lot of beliefs and truths the past 20 years or so. Turning from a know it all to realizing I know so little. There is no use in fighting for the right answer when it turns out there is no objective right answer to so many situations. The right answer is different for different people and in different circumstances.

Here are some truths I’ve carried:

  • One really shouldn’t play with food. It’s irresponsible towards raising well behaved children as well as considering that there are people that starve on this planet.
  • I have to eat dinner sometime between five and six o’clock or I’ll be “hangry” and miserable.
  • One should put the used kitchen ware in the dishwasher after finishing a meal. Not doing so is acting misbehaved and disrespectful.
  • I shouldn’t spend a night just sitting still in the sofa reading a book.

I’ve examined my own truths with questions like; What could I believe that would make that rule not be true anymore? Usually there are situations or beliefs where my truths turns out to be wrong for me. Situations where believing the exact opposite of what I thought was right turned out to be some of the best moments in my life.

When it comes to situations that involve other people you just up the complexity level of what’s right or wrong. The people around you will have their own truths and beliefs. What is right for someone depend on individual beliefs as well as the current state they’re in and the timing of the situation.

How do you want to be right?

Maybe something to consider when looking for the right answer is defining what being right means. There is a difference between being right over someone, i.e. if you’re right then someone else have to be wrong, and finding the right answer to a situation. What if the right answer is defined as “the solution that leaves both parties happy and connected”?

If you can find the solutions that meet that definition you will in fact be both happy and right 😀 Tada!

You radiate your thoughts and feelings – You cannot not communicate

Picture this. You’re walking into the living room and your child is sitting on the floor. Just sitting there still, looking into the distance, shoulders down, a frown on his face. Not saying anything when you walk in. You already think you know a ton about what that child is feeling.

Ever been in a situation where someone you know is being unusually quiet and asked “What’s wrong?” ´, gotten the answer “nothing!” and still known that something definitely isn’t right?

The thing is that you cannot not communicate. If you Google it the general belief is that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and only about 7% is the actual words spoken.

Stay flexible enough to find the true right answer

Maybe a final idea to remember. I got to a point where I truly believed that finding a solution from the other person’s point of view was the right answer. But the pendulum swung a bit too far in the opposite direction. I forgot to include the fact that I needed to feel good about the proposed solution as well. I sometimes swallowed my irritation and tried to fake a smile and my commitment. But since I kept radiating my feelings people rarely got really happy with my proposals.

When I look for “the right answer” I try to do the hard work of challenging my beliefs until I find a truth that really works for the both of us. Can I reconsider what my daughter’s behavior means when she walks out on our argument and slams the door? Maybe instead of being disrespectful I could interpret it as a young girl finding herself at the end of her abilities. A girl that has run out of more constructive ideas to be understood? Maybe she’s been taught that nothing else works for getting out of a scary argument. Maybe the adult have been fighting to be right and not to find the right answer…

BeBrave

Encourage your children to blossom

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Encourage

A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms

Zen Shin

How would you bloom if you knew the people you love would always support you, approve of your choices and keep cheering you on?

How do you help your children bloom into their full potential?

The world is reacting to you

Feedback is what you continuously get from the world when you’re going about living your life. Any given choice you make will result in a reaction from the people around you. In the blog post about communication I’ve given the example of how talking is one way of interacting with the world. Another way is how you act. Sometimes the reaction of the world is that you’re not getting a reaction at all, even that is a sort of feedback that will tell you something.

Another kind of feedback is what you get when you’re not getting the result you are after. Some people call that feedback “failure”. And believe me I know how that feedback stings even though I know it’s just telling me that the current way to approach a certain goal is not working. The feedback is just telling me that I need to adjust.

The feedback you get as a child will form your mindset

We are all impacted by the people we are close to and by no one more so than the people who raised us. To begin to understand the scripting we were given as children, the scripting that if you’re not aware of it is still running your life, you can ask yourself some revealing questions. Speaker and Coach Tony Robbins asks a set of questions that can really help you get to the bottom of how the feedback from your parents has molded you.

  1. Whose approval meant the most to you growing up, your mother’s or your father’s?
  2. Who and how did you have to be/act for that person? (To get that persons approval)
  3. How are you still living by those rules today?

I believe that everyone are impacted by these most important early relationships What your parents thought of you depending on what you did have created patterns in your brain. You’ve adopted strategies for how to be loved, accepted and significant.

I also believe that parents do all they can to try to give their children everything they need. The intention is usually good. But as we’re all a work in progress we can be sure that, regardless of how unintentional, we’re more or less messing our children up in some way while we’re working ourselves out.

Getting approval from others

Some people are more motivated by external feedback than others but I think most people can agree on that getting approval from someone you care about feels really good. I don’t see a problem with that. It becomes a problem only when you feel bad about what someone else says or does. Have you ever got caught in what someone said about you? Started to doubt yourself based on an offhand question or comment?

Wayne Dyer said something really genius about this: ”Anytime you get upset about something somebody else says about you what you’re actually saying is that “what you think of me is more important than what I think of me””

Logic tells us that it cannot be true that someone else’s opinion of us matters more than our own. I am the one living my life. I am the one who knows what I like, don’t like and what my goals and dreams are. But the reactions we get from the world, especially our close family, massively impact how we feel.

We know that someone else’s opinion shouldn’t dictate what we choose to do. We also know that some of the basic scripting we’re wired with is not to be trusted either. Yet we often fall into doubt and uncertainty when the feedback we get from the world isn’t supporting us.

Encourage your children to blossom

Knowing that my actions as a parent heavily affect my children’s futures makes me curious.
What feedback am I giving them with my words, my focus and my actions? How am I conveying my approval of them as they try on different things, personas and beliefs? If my actions and words have such an impact on them then how can I make it an empowering one?

If anything I want to give my daughters the knowledge that they are loved for who they are – to let them know that there’s nothing they could ever do that would make me think less of them. How can I make them understand that the only thing that matters to me is that they keep searching for the things that makes them come alive?

How can I give them “permission” and encouragement to go on that search and how can I lead them when I haven’t found my own way just yet?

Some ideas comes from answering the question of “how would I like to be supported by my own family”?

  • Compliment my willingness to try new things
  • Support me by asking if you can help in some way
  • Refrain from asking me questions that only you need answered to feel better about my actions. If you doubt me then try to prepare to help me if your worries turns out to be valid.
  • Tell me that you are inspired and proud of the person I am and the person that I’m becoming

How are you supporting your children, and everyone else around you, in becoming the persons they are supposed to be?

Maybe answering some of the questions in this blog can give you some ideas. Let me know how you’re doing and if these questions have been valuable to you.

BeBrave

Do you ask for help or are you afraid of being rejected?

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Ask

“Why didn’t you just ask me? I could’ve helped you if only I’d known!” If your child, spouse or a friend turned to you and asked you for help – how would that make you feel? Wouldn’t you feel really good? Provided you had the time to help off course.

Asking for help has been something I’ve had to relearn as an adult. Why is it so hard to ask for help even when I know how good it feels to be able to help others?

Going from dependence to independence

A child goes through many phases during the first decade of growing up. One that keeps coming back, once a year or so, is the fight for independence; “I can do it myself!” “I know you can honey, but could you show me how you can tie your shoes another time and not right now that the buss is leaving???”

The need for independence is a strong urge for humans. I believe nature gave us the drive to learn and to become capable of taking care of ourselves to help us survive. We’re born completely dependent but we fight for our independence as soon as we can.

Yet we feel the best when we contribute, when we feel we are significant and when we’re connected to others by the acts giving and getting support – interdependence seems to be the level after independence.

Studies show that we’re wired for giving

In his research into influencing people, Robert Chialdini came across some core human drivers that correlates to the topic of dependence and interdependence – like the drive for helping. The study explains that it’s a human trait, endorsed by ancient tribe culture, to want to give as much or more than we receive. This is to ensure that we are perceived as a valuable member and will be safe within the tribe.

One example of this shows up is as an impulse to want to repay a perceived debt. There are scam artists that have put this knowledge into play. It’s done by giving a small insignificant gift, e.g. cleaning your windshield, and then asking for payment. I once was jumped by an old woman literally wrestling a string bracelet around my wrist and then getting super angry cursing me when I refused to pay for the assault.

I get really pissed at people who do such unasked for favors expecting me to pay them. The anger come as a reaction to feeling that I actually owe them something even though I practically fought against the “gift”. The anger comes even though my rational brain knows it shouldn’t. The wiring is instinctual.

That instinct, combined with the consensual act of giving, comes with a flood of positive feelings. It feels really great to do things for others. To give is to feel like you matter. To help someone you love makes you feel connected and significant.

So why is it so hard to ask?

I’ve always resisted the need for help, asking for help has actually left me feeling helpless and raw. Independence and being able to stand on my own has been huge. How could I rely on anyone else when I can’t trust them to do things “my way”. My fixed mindset have had me believing there IS a right way to do things.

And hey, the things I really need help with are either really messy emotional “help me manage my self-doubt and dark thoughts”-issues or practical “I really want this heavy furniture out of our living room”-urgent kinda issues.

So I usually feel uneasy asking for help. One part of the unease it that I risk being denied, rejected. Do you have a child that hates the word “no”? I mean more than just the normal disappointment in not getting what she/he asked for but that actually hates being rejected? I’m like that still – work in progress.

Another part of the unease comes from that “debt” that I feel building up towards the one I’ve asked for help. If I can’t do something for that person in turn then I’ll eventually feel like I’m leeching of that person. This results in it being way easier to ask for help from someone who asks me for help now and then.

I practice asking for help

I’ve realized that for people to ask me for help and letting me feel needed and valuable then I have to ask them for help as well. I have to open up my life and let people in so they know how to help me. I’m still learning. The journey, so far, has gone something like this:

1st step: Ask for help but make clear exactly how I wanted things done

2nd step: Resist until life kicked my ass and make it very obvious that I NEED help

3rd step: Ask for help only in the minor, not so important things, and not care about the how

4th step: Realize that I was still not feeling connected nor achieving the goals I’ve set out for my life

5th step: Ask for true help from a place of vulnerability

It’s not easy, I’m still walking the wilderness (ref. Brené Brown) with this issue. But the unease is worth it! The feeling of connection, as well as the actual help, and the sharing of gratitude warms my heart and leaves me feeling loved and safe.

Do you ask for help?

The actionable concept of this post would be amiss if it didn’t relate to asking for help.

  1. Write down a list of things you would really like to have solved in your life.
  2. Think of three people that you love and would really like to be able to help in some way.
  3. Choose one important thing from your list of things – that you need help with – for each person that you would like to help and go make that ask. Stay open and true – explain why you need the help and how much it would mean to you to get it.

Remember, most people live really busy lives and might not have time to schedule helping someone else right away. Don’t take it personally if you’re denied the help. What you’ve done, even by just asking, is open up the communication about helping and this will empower your relationship in the future.

BeBrave

Tell your children’s story and connect them to something bigger

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Story

“Your dad and I felt that there was someone missing in our family. When I was pregnant, and you were in my tummy, I secretly hoped that you would be a girl. I fell in love with you during those months that I felt you growing inside of me. It felt like we had a bond already and I hadn’t even met you yet. We went to the doctor and found out that you were indeed a girl. We talked about what we should name you but it was such a hard decision. We’d never given someone their name before. We felt we needed to meet you before we decided.”

The brain loves story. The more times you hear a story the better you will remember it. There is a neurological reason for this. Your brain wires neurons together and once you’ve connected one part of a story to another then your brain will help you remember the sequence. The network of neurons (brain cells) will show the way. If you only remember the start then your brain will provide the entire story linked to that start.

Humans have passed on stories and knowledge in the form of storytelling for ages. In the time before the possibility to write things down the only way to keep the wisdom gained by your ancestors was by storytelling. Imagine the tribe gathered around the fire and the elders passing on knowledge and the experiences from generations back.

We’re wired for story and for connection

I’ve written about how one of our greatest fears is to be left out. The worst punishment to put a human through is isolation. To be connected and to feel like you belong is deeply soothing and gives a special kind of calm. We’re usually not even aware of it but we constantly assess how we’re doing in terms of connection and interaction with the people around us. Remember we’re wired for connection.

One way to give that gift of belonging to your child is by telling her about your family’s history. My daughters really loved hearing about when I was born, how their grandparent had been as I was growing up. Imagining your parents as kids and your grandparents as younger adults is for some reason mesmerizing for children.

Make the story come alive on paper

Humans learn and remember better the more senses they can connect to the learning experience. Hearing, seeing, saying, feeling, smelling, tasting – the more ways you get involved in the better. Apart from telling your family story you could get your child involved in drawing your family tree. You can go back in time as far as you know your history but if you have a young child (4-6 years) you might want to start with only the people that are still alive that your child knows already. If you have an older child then you can do it together and include an interview with your family members to get them to tell the stories about their mothers and fathers to include in the tree.

As you come to the present your story will include your “child’s story”. Watch as she realizes that she’s part of a line of people. How she belongs. I bet she will ask you to tell that story again and again. When I tell the story of how my girls were born, why we decided to have children and how happy we were when each of them was born they absolutely glow with joy.

Revisit the family tree and let your child “tell the story” about your family. That way she is repeating the story as well as trying the “talking” which will further secure the memory.

Give the gift of belonging to your child

  1. Tell the story of when she was little
  2. Draw your family tree, interview your relatives and add memories/comments to your tree
  3. Revisit the family tree and let her tell the stories

I’d love to hear from you. What experiences do you have of talking about your family history and how do your children respond to the exercise of drawing your family tree?

BeBrave

Have fun with your family

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Family fun

When did you last do something completely unexpected for your children? Having fun together is the absolutely best way I know to influence our family connection both in the short immediate situation but also in a longer perspective. I wish I had more fun with my daughters, in fact it’s been on my radar for a while and is now on my goals for this year – To laugh every day! 😀

Surprising the ones I care about is just about the thing I love the most. Wrapping Christmas gifts or planning a treasure hunt or planning for birthdays fills me with warmth, connection and .. well it might sound “Hallmark’y” but.. infinite gratitude!

Surprising the people you love

I once participated in a surprise “graduation celebration” for a beloved family member. She was retiring from her teaching career and we planned to kidnap her from the school in old school graduation ceremony manner when her last day was done. By chance she unknowingly escaped us and beat us home but we just brought the celebration to her house 😉 I still smile when I think about how much fun we had and how happy she got.

The most legendary surprise I’ve pulled of with my daughters was that day we went to the amusement park. On a school day! It was planned and I had even asked for formal leave from school so everything was approved. But my girls didn’t know that. In the morning I woke them up and we had breakfast as usual. When we went to put our clothes on to go to school I let them get half-dressed then said “You know what? I don’t feel like going to work today. What do you say, shouldn’t we go to the amusement park instead??” Their faces.. the BEST surprise ever! The blog photo is from that day. We had a beautiful day and we still talk about that memory.

Plan a “date” with your child

If you have more than one kid it’s sometimes hard to get quality time with them individually. I read Steven Coveys 7 Habits for successful Families a couple of years ago and have implemented one of the concept described there. To plan a solo-date with my children. At least once a year we decide on a date, plan for the other child to be with the other parent and start the planning. The idea is to plan for a day that that particular child will enjoy. Last time my youngest and I went swimming and then to a cafe to have some cake. My eldest and I went to the science fiction/fantasy bookstore and then went shopping for some clothes.

Remember to plan ahead so you can really clear your schedule and mind of other things. If you set a date then make sure that you don’t move it. Make this day important for you and it will be important for your child. It can truly be a close and warm experience if you give all your attention and take it seriously. Your child will feel important and seen.

Oh, and remember to focus on having fun and on the child that’s there. Don’t talk about siblings. Don’t give in to any impulse to use this close time for bringing up issues. If your child brings up something then listen and answer questions and give your full attention.

Laugh together

There’s a saying in Swedish that translates to “A good laugh will prolong your life”. Even if my daughters have given me some grey hairs and way too little sleep they’ve netted me many days on my life span. They make me laugh. They are so good at living in the moment and enjoying the now. My little mindfulness experts!

When I’m laughing it’s like I’m magnetic. Both my daughters are drawn to the sound of laughter. It’s not that strange when I think about it. I really enjoy hearing their bubbling laughter as well. We went to the movies just the other day to watch Ferdinand, the latest Disney movie. I must say I love how they always include little things in children’s movies for us adults. There was a dance show down at one point that had me gasping for air with laughter. I think I was enjoying it more than any of the kids there. 😀 We laughed a lot after the movie talking about different scenes and we’ve talked about that dance scene a number of times since last week.

How do you have fun with your family? Do you plan surprises? Let me know in the comments below. Share the joy!

BeBrave

Föräldrar-skalan

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Föräldrar-skala

Tja! Det är Linnea här. Mamma bad mig att skriva ett inlägg till den här hemsidan för att… hur uttryckte hon det nu igen? ”Det vore intressant att veta hur barnen såg på vårt familjeförhållande”? Nått sånt tror jag.

Först tänkte jag skriva om nått intressant, men sen kom jag på att de flesta av er är vuxna. Så jag bestämde mig för att istället berätta om nått jag kallar föräldrar-skalan. Kreativt namn, jag vet. Men Skalan-som-bedömer-hur-bra-en-förälder-gör-sitt-jobb är lite för långt. Så föräldrar-skalan fick det bli.

Föräldrar-skalan är alltså en skala som bedömer hur bra du gör ditt jobb. Föräldrar-skalan är inget som ditt barn bedömer dig i medvetet utan ofta så vet de inte ens att de bedömer dig.

Dina poäng i skalan är viktiga för ditt förhållande med ditt barn. Det finns många viktiga kategorier i föräldrar-skalan, och många fler sub-kategorier.

Liksom vilken pengasort som gäller i världen är alla inte överens om exakt vilka kategorier som är med i föräldrar-skalan, men här är några som ofta finns med.

Exempel på kategorier

  • Överraska ditt barn genom att nån gång ta ledigt från jobbet och dra till Gröna Lund. Eller på en vardag bjuda hen på nåt gott.
  • Du måste ta ansvar. Det är så klart viktigt att du har kul med ditt barn, men du måste också komma ihåg att du är förälder. Du måste se till att ditt barn går och lägger sig i tid och att hen inte äter onyttigt alltför ofta.
  • Var alltid glad. Det blir så mycket lättare för dig och ditt barn att prata om ni båda är på bra humör, och även om ditt barn inte är på bra humör måste du ändå hålla god ton.
  • Våga ha fel. Om du och ditt barn bråkat så är det viktigt att du ber om ursäkt, det är särskilt viktigt om du har ett litet barn. Om ditt barn lär sig tidigt att säga förlåt kommer hen få det lättare senare i livet, och det stärker din egen utveckling och ert band.
  • Låt ditt barn ha kul. Ditt barn kommer att leka och upptäcka. Du kan inte ta hand om hen för alltid. Låt ditt barn få upptäcka och ha kul. Även om det ser lite farligt ut så är det viktigt för barnets uppväxt att få lära sig själv. Så länge barnet inte skadar sig allvarligt är det okej.
  • GlassDela med dig. Om det händer nått dåligt på jobbet så dela med dig till ditt barn. Det kommer mer än gärna vilja muntra upp dig och hjälpa dig. Om du plötsligt tappar kontroll och blir väldigt sockersugen, så sugen att du köper en hel godispåse och går och äter under dan så dela med dig (Jag menar inte av godiset). Ditt barn kan hjälpa dig. Kanske genom att kroppsvisitera dig på sötsaker när du kommer hem. Eller ta fram den där glassen i frysen och slå sönder den med hammaren.

Det var några av saker du kan tänka på men kom ihåg att du inte kan få full pott i alla kategorier eftersom jag konstruerade den här skalan för människor.

//Linnea

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