#Family Routines

Limiting Screen time – Addiction – Let’s dive deeper

, , , , 0

Addiction

Is your child addicted to a screen?

When I hear the word ”addiction” I picture alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs. In the recent years I’ve also added sugar to the list. Now there’s another factor that is worth keeping a vigilant eye on. Online addiction. Humans are arguably the most adaptable spicies on this planet but our bodies and brains weren’t created to change as fast as our world has changed in the last decades.

Spending time online is highly addictive

The relatively new term in marketing strategies, “gamification”, describes the theory of making something more enjoyable and addictive to humans. We love playing, and when we feel we’re getting better, finishing a new challenge, unlocking a new and more difficult level or just getting another gold star, we don’t stop to question the activity itself. We’re moved into flow and completely lose track of time.

The amount of money spent to capture and keep our attention is staggering. I did some research (online off course ;p) and according to statista.com the value of the worldwide gamification market was at 4.91 billion USD in 2016 with an expected growth to 12 billion in 2021.

It’s not just games that create addiction online. Our bodies were created to ensure we survive and one of the mechanisms is to reward the activity to look for things. To engage in finding things. If you’ve ever spent time in the woods looking for mushrooms or berries you know the rewarding exhilarating feeling you get when you finally find those treasures.

Browsing online lights your brain up in the same way. You get a chemical rush of endorphins released in your body whenever you “find” something interesting. Unfortunately the brain hasn’t caught up to differentiate between the findings. Fun movies of cats are rewarded the same way as essential food sources would be.

Limiting screen time – it’s up to you as a parent

Making sure you know What your child is doing online as well as answering the tough question of Why she spends time there is important. The internet shouldn’t be used to avoid or hide from your life. If it is then maybe it’s time to step back and look for alternatives.

There are arguments for limiting screen time even when the reasons to why your child is online are completely valid.

Without the knowledge of how our brains work in an online setting, and the understanding of how people act differently online, a child is defenseless. As an adult you can step back and realize the impact you’re having on your life. But the brain of a child isn’t ready to predict the consequences nor is it prepared to resist the biology of the reward system..

I’ve heard someone go as far as to likening letting a child surf online alone is like leaving her alone in a bar. There is no way for a child to understand why people are acting so different from how they would in a normal setting. The undercurrent of sex and mindlessly losing control is subconscious and hard to become aware of.

Some early signals to watch out for would be if she shows concern or worry if the tablet/phone isn’t around or if the battery is about to expire without there being a chance to charge nearby. She might turn down fun activities in exchange for time online or she might start to feel really frustrated when faced with some time without access to the internet. Being bored might start to feel really bad.

Approaching a change in screen time allowance

As with any change, especially those that might be perceived as a change for the worse, define when it would be a good time to talk about it.

Imagining spending two summer weeks in a small house with four children ages between 8 and 14. Say that these kids can’t leave the property, on their own, due to highly trafficked streets which rules out all activities such as exploring and playing outside the immediate property. Add to the mix a very warm air temperature that leaves the entire family on edge and parents that were looking forward to some relaxing and joyful days and now are trying to come to terms with that shattered illusion.

Is this an advisable time to introduce a limit on screen time? Maybe or maybe not. I guess it depends on your ability to muster your own energy and lead with love, laughter and certainty. I sure wasn’t in that place this past summer hence our children got noticeably more screen time than I would have accepted in other circumstances.

Pick your moment and think through the conversation before you engage in it. Limiting the supply of “drugs” for someone with online addiction, be it mild or extreme, won’t be met with immediate acceptance and joy. The strategy could be different depending on the age and level of maturity of your child.

Small children need clear guidelines

For smaller children it’s best to set a limit and stick by it. You might invite the child to participate in some part of the decision but you set the hard limits. You might say “we have a new rule for our family. We’re going to be using the tablet/phone/TV for a maximum of two hours every day. Which is best for you, would you prefer to have your time in the afternoon when you get home from school or is it better after dinner?”

My youngest daughter made me acutely aware of the level of addiction that the online world brings and of how hard it is to avoid. I hinted and huffed about her constant online presence this summer and at one point she had had enough. She literally said; “Mom, if you want me to use the Ipad less then give me a rule to follow. Don’t nag me all the time, you’re only making me feel guilty and bad!”

She wanted a rule to stick to. She knew it would help her stay away from the Ipad and she knew that during the time she was allowed to use it she would enjoy it instead of feeling bad about it. And she knew she could set that rule herself.

Older children will benefit from being more active in the decision

It’s important to include children in the decision as they grow older. Sooner or later they need to become self-reliant and learn to control this possible drug for themselves.

Tell them about the brain and talk about what addiction is. Explain that it’s not a matter of being strong and it’s not a question of if you trust them or not. It’s about chemistry and biology and it effects everyone. It’s something that everyone must learn about and keep an eye on.

They might think that “you’re overbearing or too old to understand the way the world works today”. Don’t fall into the trap of arguing about it. Keep with the facts and research and tell them to make a plan that you can talk through.

“I want you to go online (I know.. online… ;p) and research two areas; the risks of online addiction and what addiction is and does to the human brain. I want you to present your findings to me and I want you to show me how you plan to avoid it and also what early signs you’re going to look for.”

Talk through the plan together. When it comes to serious matters like addiction, you, as the parent, is still foremost responsible for the outcome. Agree on the best way for how you will supervise and how the both of you will check up on this issue regularly.

Always keep an eye on your own actions. Maybe your teenagers plan works as well for yourself? 🙂

BeBrave

Screen time – How long? is not as important as Why?

, , , 0

Screen time

Do your children spend a lot of time in front of a screen such as a tablet, phone, TV or computer? How much is a lot of time? Do they spend more or less time than you do? How do you feel about it? How do they feel about it?

“Siri, how do you make healthy muffins?”

The Ipad came out in 2010 and a new era began. The amount of games and apps grew like wildfire and every company fought to create their own digital world to capture the attention of our children. Before that, the computer and TV game industry had already primed most of the generation that are now parents. Spending time in front of a screen is the new normal.

Now information is at our kid’s fingertips, or even at their disposal by just posing the question out loud to Siri or Alexa. Never has it been easier to stay in touch with friends or meeting new people from all over the world. The planet is accessible, for our kids, in a way that was just not possible for me growing up.

Wiki, Google and Storytel are aiding my kids in becoming self-reliant on facts and knowledge. For my birthday, a couple of months ago, my daughter wanted to bake muffins to surprise me. She knows I’m not into sugary treats so she asked Siri to help her find a recipe for healthy ones  🙂

The upside is huge

I have a background in IT and I believe this revolution is here to stay, evolving continuously into an even tighter dependency on computers. Artificial intelligence is knocking on our front door and humanity is in for some very serious questions regarding the future of our species.

Both using and understanding information technology, already is, and will be an increasingly important tool and whatever happens our kids will need to relate to and understand computers.

In our family we’ve been able to simplify our everyday lives significantly with the use of IT. Everything from sharing a calendar, so we don’t miss important events, to a family chat to be able to reach the entire family at once. Shopping lists and to do’s as well as shared storage for photos and videos of our memories. We use Facetime to keep close even when we’re physically apart.

School has caught on and nowadays we get all correspondence online, both information to us parents as well as homework and reports. There are also really smart Apps for learning things like increasing your memory capability, play the piano and speak foreign languages.

The upside is huge and I believe in moving forward instead of trying to hold on to the past and wishing for the (better or worse?) old days.

However I’m still not completely at ease with how we manage our screen time.. not when it comes to the kids and actually not when it comes to me neither.

Loosing myself in an inverted time warp called World of Warcraft

My dad, who’s been in the IT business since I was little, brought home our very first computer. It was from work, I believe an IBM 286, and with it came the introduction of computer games. Space quest, Tetris and Prince of Persia made their way into my heart. I spent hours playing, completely hocked. I couldn’t fall asleep because of the images of falling blocks that needed to be turned just right.

At some point I believe my parents limited my access to the games, or I lost interest, and it wasn’t until in my early twenties that I picked it up again. This time it was Age of Empires, and later World of Warcraft, that caught my attention. I was completely drawn into this world, doubly encouraged since all my friends were playing as well.

When the third expansion of World of Warcraft came out I started to lose interest. I remember doing the estimation on how much money Blizzard was making every month. There was a monthly fee times all the current amount of users. I realized what a gold mine they’d found and that a whole lot of that money went back into making sure people stayed interested in the game. All that money going to people that were experts at human behavior and knew exactly what buttons to push to ensure you kept playing month after month.

How many hours of my life was I spending in an alternate reality, lost to the world around me? Sure there are benefits. Thinking strategically, managing your stress levels, motor control, learning the weirdest words in a foreign language. But when Monday comes and you’re wondering what happened to your entire weekend you start thinking that life isn’t going so well.

How dependent are you on your phone?

I recently installed an App called “Moment” on my phone. It tracks your usage and gives you a daily report on your behavior. It’s been worrying and sobering to realize how often I pick up my phone.

It depends on what and why

You can do anything in excess they say. I guess that goes for screen time allowances as well. Should you set a time limit for yourself and your children? Control what they watch? I believe yes and yes, no matter how educational the activity there should be a time limit that ensures some physical action as well. Keeping an eye on what they watch and do online is a security measure. But the big one to keep an eye on, I believe, is “why?”. Why is your child engaging in online activities?

Maybe these questions might help you decide if you need to implement changes in your family. To make it a bit easier I’d make the answers to these questions binary.

  • Does your child use the online time to avoid living life?
  • Does she become anxious without a screen present?
  • Is she using the online world to replace a boring or frightening real one?
  • Is she dodging responsibilities or endangering her health?

Children always look to us for guidance, on how to live life, by watching us live our own. How much time do you spend online and why are you doing it? Turn the questions towards yourself and try answering them as honest as you can.

BeBrave

Is resting a waste of time or crucial for your success?

, , , , , 0

Resting

“I’ll spend long days in my hammock just resting and doing absolutely nothing!”

It was the answer I got when I asked a colleague how she was going to spend her vacation. In a few heart beats I went through emotions and thoughts ranging from envy to judgement to hope and ending up in gratitude. In just that short sentence she’d freed me up to consider resting as a completely reasonable and valid choice.

Be mindful of the definition of the “what” you choose to do

Resting has always had a negative connotation to me. That is because resting has been anchored to sitting still, watching TV, maybe drinking some wine and enjoying a respite from life’s perceived “musts”. Someone said watching TV was a way to escape the goals they never set. Sitting still watching TV or talking about nonsense made my nerves stand on edge. I got irritable, tense and eventually I had to get up and do something.

One might think this has served me well. Avoiding TV and getting things done would appear to be an irrefutable good thing. It also resonates with the high achievers mantra of “always working hard and long”. But resting is crucial for long term success. If you don’t let your body, mind and soul rest and recharge you will break sooner or later. Always pushing works for a really long time, right up until it doesn’t any more. And then when you fall you fall hard.

I needed to change my view on resting. The first change was the definition of the activity in itself. It needed to be changed from “wasting time” to “loving and caring for myself”. The second was to change the actual activity I was doing while I was resting. I couldn’t get watching inane TV shows to mean I was loving myself no matter how hard I tried.

What does the word resting trigger within you?

My colleague at work, who was planning to spend a week or two in her hammock, is someone I know and respect. She delivers high value, she works hard and committed and I admire her. When she, with such certainty and obviousness, gave herself permission, to do what outwardly appeared as nothing, she led the way for me. All of a sudden I could look at my life and consider what resting would mean to me.

How about you? Do you get enough rest in your life? What would be a truly restorative activity for you? It’s not always easy to uncover since it can be very different depending on the individual and on the circumstances. Sometimes there’s an available shortcut to finding out things about yourself by using your feelings towards your peer group.

Close your eyes and picture someone you love being in trouble due to high stress levels and too little rest. Imagine this person not being aware of the need for rest and not seeing the limit of burn out drawing near. If you were to recommend this person some rest, what would you suggest as a truly resting activity?

Active rest is a good start

After redefining rest into something that was necessary, and as taking care of myself, I worked on finding the right resting activities for me.

For a time “active resting” became my crutch. Active rest means you stop whatever you’re doing and switch into something else that is still active. For example going to the gym or cleaning your house. I told myself that I was resting while I still got things done and still felt productive. It was working well for me for a long time but eventually the activities I chose wouldn’t restore me anymore. I’d feel increasingly tired and no matter how much I slept I would still wake up without energy. I came to accept that there were still some layers to this resting idea.

You need to restore yourself both physically and mentally. Sometimes your body needs actual sleep and stillness. Laying down, breathing deeply and calmly will start the repairing processes in your body. The same goes for your mind. If you spend most of your day trying to solve problems, analyzing situations and making tough decisions your mind needs time to center back into stillness.

Rest yourself into success

If you want to argue, that you don’t have time to rest, then think about the time you’ll be wasting when you’ve burned out. Also consider how much smarter you are when you are at your best. Making smarter decisions and working on the right things will move you forward faster than just grinding away at random things.

There’s another argument for resting properly. The feelings you experience on a daily basis will determine how you perceive the quality of your life. If you spend every day on the edge of energy deficit you will soon start to perceive your life as too tough and tiresome. It’s just no fun living without energy and vitality.

How would your life change if you made resting a natural part of you day and as a result you freed up more energy?

BeBrave

Win the family morning to win your day – Morning routines

, , , , 0

Morning routines

There is a lot of advice online about creating successful morning routines. The theory is that if you have a good morning you get momentum that will carry through the entire day. Generally the advice include time for meditation, journaling on gratitude, goalsetting and physical workouts. The term “win the morning to win your day” is everywhere. What does winning a morning look like with kids?

Zoom into a busy family morning: Dad is cleaning the kitchen after breakfast as well as loudly reminding the kids to pack their gym bags for school. Mom’s rummaging around looking for the charger to the computer, hollering that “the car will be leaving in 5 minutes so everyone better get dressed”. Kids getting caught up in brushing teeth and hair as well as all having to go to the bathroom at the same exact moment. Was it today the kids needed an extra change of clothes to school? Who is going to go to the dentist appointment with the youngest? Where is the homework that needs to be handed in today? “Why aren’t any of the trousers I can actually wear clean?”

I used to spend my mornings in some version of that chaos. I felt I was always a step behind, stressed and overwhelmed and wondered if this was it?

We were far from the connection and feeling of cooperation I’d envisioned for my family. I’d get into constant battles with my girls and we’d leave for work and school in a bad mood towards each other. I’d spend the whole commute to work feeling guilty and regretting all the nagging. Worrying that they’d be feeling sad or unloved. “Will they be able to focus on school today?” “Why can’t they just get going in the mornings?”

There must be a better way

I sat there, once again exhausted and frustrated, on the subway and I noticed a mother with her two kids sitting across from me. One child on her lap nibbling a sandwich. The other sitting next to her, watching the people around them, asking her mom about this and that. They were talking and laughing, being present and enjoying each other’s company.

I thought; “Awe, I wish we could start our mornings with that feeling!” and then I got really curious. What had they been doing before now to get into the calm and happy mood they were in? What would have to be different in our morning routine to get into that state? How much better wouldn’t our lives be if we could make it work? Would my daughters be willing to make the changes needed?

Make it a family decision

I was pretty sure my girls would be as excited about not hearing me nag them as I was about not having to do it. But what changes would make it possible? I decided to ask them.

I tried to paint a picture that would inspire them. “Imagine having a morning without nagging or stress, a morning where we have time to laugh and can sit and eat our breakfast together. I would so love to have time to give you a huge hug when I leave you off at school. Wouldn’t it be nice to leave for school in the morning without feeling angry? What if we could walk to school without worrying about being late? Maybe even stop by the park and see how far you could balance on the rail every morning?”

They were on!

We talked about what we needed to do to make it work.

I had prepared some questions;

  1. What would make you wake up in a good mood?
  2. How could you make sure you get ready in the morning, dressed, with brushed teeth and your bag packed, without me reminding you even once?
  3. What do you think could happen that would make either of us upset in the morning and how ca we make sure that doesn’t happen?

Listen to everyone’s perspective

Children have an enormous imagination and the solutions are sometimes completely unexpected. My youngest wanted me to jump into her bed and start tickling her in the mornings which actually worked amazingly well 🙂

My eldest wanted us to buy her an alarm clock so she could decide when she would get up.

I was surprised by how well they both could predict which situations would risk tripping us and by how responsible they were in proposing solutions to them. “Mom, I know you get angry when I take too long choosing my clothes. Maybe I can choose them the night before so I already know what to wear in the morning”?” or “I’m sometimes sleepy in the morning and don’t want to talk to anyone. Can you not talk to me if I say that I’m tired?” or “I sometimes forget the time because I start doing something fun – could you help remind me but with a happy voice mom? Could you just say “Emelie, teeth””

I had to set some rules or parameters for situations that, as children, they didn’t have experience of yet. Like a what time we needed to be out the door to make it to school in time or recommending they pack the school bag the night before to make sure nothing was missing that we’d have to search for.

I’ve heard of families who implemented the use of a timer to get reminders without the parent having to say anything. They asked the children how long they thought they needed to get dressed and set the alarm. If it went off before they were ready then they’d change the time the next morning. With time they learnt approximately much time was needed for different actions.

Setting a morning routine

We’ve worked out a routine that gives us a chance to connect and to start our day without stress. Today I still make them breakfast and we eat together most mornings. I walk them to school and we get a chance to talk and hug good bye without stress. As our schedules change and they take on even more responsibility for their own morning routines, to win their days, our routine will also evolve.

If you want to implement a family morning routine maybe these steps can be helpful:

  • Start by defining the dream scenario from your adult perspective. And be honest about how you walk your own talk. For instance; at what time do you have to go to bed to be able to wake up happy?
  • Define the prerequisites from a logistical view. At what time do you have to leave the house to make it to school, how long does brushing teeth or other basic actions, that you believe are non-negotiable, take?
  • Let the children participate in forming a vision and a plan for your mornings. Let them define risks and how to handle them.
  • Implement and evolve as you go along. Help each other remember to not fall into old patterns and be consistent and refer back to what you’ve agreed on.

Notice the difference and celebrate your new routines when you see them working. Brag to each other about the changes you’ve made in your family. Reminisce about how it used to be and congratulate yourselves on how far you’ve come together.

BeBrave

How do you go to the store without buying candy?

, , , , , 0

Sugar Candy

Can’t there be a ban on candy in our stores? I know.. “Adult people making decisions on their own. What kind of communistic society would we have if the people in charge started dictating what we can or can’t eat” This blog is not an attempt at changing legislation nor is my aim to guilt trip all us consumers going against our better judgement and buying sugar filled products now and then.

I just wanted to vent my frustration over having to deal with the sugar issue so often. Commercials and the availability of candy makes my parenting life a bit more challenging than I’d like it to be. Maybe some of our strategies for fighting the sugar addiction will work for you, maybe you’ve got some tricks for us?

Taking my hungry children, or a hungry me, to the store = bad idea

A number of years ago the following scenario was a common one. Walking into the supermarket on the way home from work. I’ve picked up my two girls from daycare, they’re about 4 and 6 years old and as we walk in my youngest asks me “Mommy can we have some ice cream today?” I know they’re tired, I know they’re hungry and the easiest answer would be to say yes. Not only would I have an easier time getting home, I would instantly be the hero of the day in my girl’s eyes.

I can’t say at what ratio I’ve managed to stay true to my conviction and resisted the urge to cave into their sugar monsters. To be honest I believe my own sugar monster/cravings has directed my actions more often than theirs.

I’ve tried a number of strategies for minimizing the nagging and resisting buying things I think are bad for us in a long term perspective. The most effective one has been to help them become aware of their feelings and how they are affected by our surroundings.

The desire for sugar could be an evolutionary super power

In terms of an evolutionary viewpoint a lot has happened very quickly in the way we live as humans. Food with a high calorie count based on carbohydrates has never been more accessible than in the last decades.

Some argue that the human DNA, and our triggers to different kinds of food, hasn’t had the time to adapt to the availability of the modern time. If we go back in time our human ancestors were moving with the seasons harvesting the earth for food. Within that background there are clues to our eating triggers in terms of sugar. Eric Edmeades, entrepreneur/speaker/author, has described one of the triggers in a, to me, logical and easily relatable story.

Get more while you can! – Winter’s coming!

“Imagine that you’re a human ancestor about 100 000 years ago. You’re living in accordance to nature and the seasonal harvests of the earth. To be able to survive the dry season, when food is scarce, you need to store energy during times when energy is abundant. The season before a dry season would be equivalent to “autumn” meaning the period when fruit and berries are ripe. When a human ate something with typically high sugar intake it would be a signal to the body that “winter’s coming”. The human DNA would then “help” to prepare in two ways;

  1. Switch the metabolism rate down
  2. Signal to the human to “get as much as you can while you can!”

Imagine finding a fruit tree and eating of that tasty fruit. When you’re full you begin to walk away but all of a sudden you get this enormous urge/desire/need to go get some more.”

I believe this is part of why some people, myself included, have a really tough time to “just eat one” cookie. The body responds by urging you to get more. If I don’t take that first cookie I’m usually fine. I’m not saying this is the single answer to sugar addiction but what if this could be a part of the explanation?

Help your child understand the craving

One way to create awareness in a child is to tell them the story about the “sugar monster”. Pay attention to how the child reacts, some doesn’t like the idea of having a “monster” inside. If you know that your child is sensitive or if you notice that the story is a little upsetting then just adjust into maybe a… “sugar rascal” 🙂

The Sugar monster

Sugar monster

“Inside of you there is a little monster that loves to eat sugary things. It’s like a little sleeping creature that wakes up and feeds when it’s given candy, cake and fuzzy drinks. If there is just a little sugar the monster won’t get enough to fully wake up. But if you give it too much then the monster will wake up completely and start making demands! The more you feed it the larger and louder and more rude the monster gets. However if you refuse to give the monster any sugary food for a day or so it will shrink. Soon you almost won’t hear it at all and then it will snuggle up and just go back to sleep again. Sugar monsters really like to sleep and be rocked by you when you walk and run around playing. “

The story enable you to talk about sugar in a new way. Now you can relate to it when you want to keep the sugar levels down.

Tips for making it through the story without a fight

The sugar monster story has helped my girls to relate to their cravings in a way that empower them. On the way to the store I can ask them about the status of their sugar monsters – “Are they asleep or awake and behaving up?” This way we can manage the awareness about the “need” before we go in.

Here are some other tips I’ve tried.

  • Bring a banana or an apple that they can nibble on while you’re shopping. This will distract their attention as well as keeping the worst hunger in check
  • If you have the possibility then sit down for a couple of minutes before entering the store. Connect to your child and talk for a little while. Tell her/him that you’re about to go shopping and that this time you won’t buy anything sugary. Ask her/him not to nag you about it.
  • Explain about store marketing plans for candy/sugars
    This is a great way to create awareness and the ability as well as desire to resist. Ask them if they know why there is always so much candy close to the checkout line. Explain that it’s well thought out and done on purpose. The checkout line is where all parents have to go and stand close to so that’s where the children will be able to see and want candy.
  • Get them involved in the grocery shopping by asking them to find things from the shopping list.

If you have ideas or strategies that have worked for you I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

BeBrave

Family schedule – Plan for fun as well as for spontaneity

, , , 0

Family Schedule

It’s said that you “shouldn’t prioritize your schedule but instead schedule your priorities”. We use a family schedule to plan for fun and for efficiency – yep, recovering but not totally healed from efficiency addiction.. ;p Joking aside, I really believe that agreeing on a plan gives our family the tools for managing a lot whilst also having time for fun things and for flexibility/spontaneity.

We want to do so many things!

The need for a shared calendar became urgent when my eldest daughter started school. Before that both girls were going to the same pre-school and the schedules were pretty similar. It was when I had to manage two different plans including school trips, gym classes and homework that I realized that pure brain power just wasn’t enough.

I wrote “We want to do so many things!” in the subheading for a reason. I’ve always felt how important it is to voice your “wants” instead of your “have to’s”. “I have to go to work” is NOT a good thing to say if you want to feel happy about doing just that. The words you place on your experience will color it and give you different feelings about it.
“I want to read a bedtime story with my girls every night” gives me a totally different feeling than “I have to read a bedtime story..”. I am however stretching that theory a bit here since I really have a hard time with wanting to do chores.

The first tries in getting an overview of all our wants/needs were wall calendars and different sorts of apps. The wall calendar was good since we could all see it, the apps were nice since I could access it from everywhere. The problems however were that my girls didn’t have phones and couldn’t see the calendar and the wall calendar was so small so we missed checking up on it.

Doing everything by myself was becoming impossible

I kept missing to bring packed lunch on the days when either needed it. I failed to remind them to bring the gym bags. We spent many late nights working hard (stressed and angrily) on homework that had been forgotten and was due for the next day.

I also felt very alone in the responsibility for our house. I was the only one who actually had the knowledge and experience of keeping a household. Although I haphazardly tried to get them involved it usually ended up in a fight or in me stepping in and taking over.

The most persuasive factor for figuring out this planning issue was that I had a growing frustration inside. A frustration born out of not spending quality time with my family. Not having time to connect and have fun.

Family meetings

I read. A lot. I believe that there are ideas and answers out there just for the taking. My belief is that I’m responsible for solving my issues and I also believe that there is probably not a problem that I’m faced with that someone else hasn’t already faced and smashed! So I continuously search for solutions to my problems.

The books I read are in the area of personal and family development (intertwined with an occasional Fantasy novel – shout out to Tolkien, Salvatore, Sarandon, Maas, Gaiman and all the other writers doing such an excellent job in bringing stories and characters alive!)

One concept that kept coming up in regards to Family theory was the idea of having Family meetings. The format and purpose was described a bit differently in different sources but the overall idea was the same. A time for the family where everyone was committed to listening and participating.  A time that was scheduled on a weekly basis and that everyone had agreed to prioritize. For more information on the theory of a family meeting I really recommend reading these books:

  • Parenting with presence – Practices for raising conscious, confident, caring kids – Susan Stiffelman
  • The 7 habits of highly effective families – Steven R Covey

Visual aids

The idea to use visual aids was born from the fact that the kids were young and didn’t read that well yet. The practice grew on us and matured as we went along. My experiences with accelerated learning and NLP made me a true believer in combining the written words with the visual aids. Different colors for different subjects, board for overview and pictures for details.

GameNight LaundryGarbage

We planned our meetings for Saturday mornings

It took some time and effort to introduce this practice in my family. I was ready to give up a number of times. We still have some meetings that leave me frustrated about the lack of participation. I try to make the meetings fun and easy. To keep them short and to the point. Kids get restless and I’ve noticed that talking about “everything that has to happen this week” can be really overwhelming.

We’ve been trying out different approaches and come to a structure that works for us. We’ve decided to have our meeting on Saturdays. We start the day with breakfast where we can enjoy sitting still and not having to rush to work/school. After breakfast the girls go do something they want to do and I do some pre-research.

I check the mail correspondence from the teachers for the schedules for next week. I check my own schedule for activities that I need to plan for. Pre-research also mean that I make a preliminary plan for what we will eat for dinner during the week.

When I have a pretty good idea of the week I ask the girls how long they need to finish what they´re doing to come join the meeting. It’s usually between 5-15 minutes. I bring the board and we gather in the kitchen. We walk through the different areas; chores, homework, extra activities, fun times and dinners. We write and set pictures on the board according to how we divide this week’s activities.

Make it fun!

Please don’t believe, like I did, that a family meeting will be something that kids will automatically WANT to participate in. They really don’t. They want to do fun things. Kids know about enjoying life 🙂 One way is to plan for some snacks for the meeting! We usually make some popcorn that we can nibble on.

One important parameter for a good meeting is when I plan something that we can look forward to this week. Having some “good news” or a space in the schedule for spontaneous proposals for fun activities sets a good mood for the meeting.

Want some inspiration and more ideas for a family meeting?

If you want more details and some help in getting started with your family meeting go check out the Lifehack page. You’ll find the areas we cover in our meetings, some examples on definitions of chores as well as pictures that you can use for inspiration for your family board.

It’s really your responsibility to sell this theory to them. Again and again and again. It’s also your responsibility to keep a positive state during the meeting no matter what. The kids will come around and really appreciate these meetings but it takes time. Be persistent, stay positive, keep going with enthusiasm and if you need to cry, scream or just vent frustration look me up on Facebook! Join the group “Pride of Lions” I promise to listen and cheer you on!

 

BeBrave

Family routines and chores. Who’s doing what and are you happy about it?

, , , 0

Fighting

Who is doing what in your family? Do you and your co-parenting partner/-s have recurrent arguments on this topic or is the division of responsibilities clear?

Getting things done and making sure the everyday engine runs smoothly is an interesting aspect of family life. As I’m a recovering efficiency addict – I have some experience on the topic. The father of my children and I separated in 2013. There were a number of reasons for our separation but I believe one was that we didn’t appreciate each other enough.

When we separated it was never a question of how we would divide the responsibility and “rights to” our daughters. We have split custody in a 50%-50% way. Linnea and Emelie live with me every other week and with their father every other week. As I moved out of our shared apartment into my own we had to create new routines to make things work. All of a sudden I was solely responsible for the entirety of a family. Every decision, every action, every aspect.. I realized the hard way that there were MANY things I had underestimated in terms of effort and therefore had seriously undervalued.

There are so many things you don’t think of

Over the complete timeframe of a year you get into contact with all the “basic” chores/actions that exist in your family. If you limit it to a week you miss out on some chores that comes around maybe once/twice a year.. wow did I realize this when the time came for managing the first birthday party, preparing the bicycles in the spring, fixing the drain, planning the vacation, thinking of Christmas gifts.. the list goes on and on!

A legendary relationship needs nurturing in many more ways than “just” appreciating each other for managing the everyday “chores” in the family. (The dynamics of true love need its own series of blog posts..) Dividing and agreeing on the basics and the musts in your family is nonetheless a really central component! Each individual item on the list might seem relatively insignificant in terms of its impact on family happiness. But considering the sheer volume and pervasiveness of these musts in your daily life you will benefit greatly if you manage this area well.

What difference would it make in your family if you stopped arguing over who does what? Would it be valuable to your relationships to appreciate the actions of others more? What if there was a way to voice that appreciation easily and with unforced conviction?

Here are some steps that could assist you:

  1. Understand each other
    Define the total list of chores together. You can do this in a couple of ways. One way, that is relatively easy, is to make individual lists of all the things you feel that you are responsible for. Make the lists and then merge them to a common list and tell each other about each task. Another way, that could actually also contributes to a closer connection between the two of you, is that you each start with a list of the things you appreciate that the other person is doing. Merge the lists and finalize it with everything that you can think of in terms of responsibilities/chores in your family.
    Note down who is responsible for each task and define it in terms of effort and frequency.
  2. Understand the tasks
    Understanding is the prerequisite for appreciating and understanding comes from doing. The beginner level of getting this understanding would be to switch responsibilities for a given timeframe in your home. However, the fastest and really integrated learning will come if you add some pressure to the situation. Try faking a divorce/separation for a given timeframe and take turns with shouldering the complete responsibility for the family. I’m not suggesting one of you move out of the house while running this experiment BUT if the one who’s not in charge can’t keep his/her mouth shut about HOW things are done while the other partner is learning the lessons then maybe that is something to actually consider. Consider it as a fun experiment and be sure to have a continuous and strong connection during this period. It’s not a trial separation, it’s a learning experience!
  3. Make adjustments
    Now you have a new understanding for the chores and for each other. You realize what the effort would be for You to manage everything and you know what the perceived effort is for your partner to manage the chores appointed to him/her. Communicate and make adjustments to the division of responsibility and frequency so that you will have the optimal conditions for energy and ease in your family.

Tips! When doing this exercise it’s good to consider some things:

  • Be really respectful and considerate in this exercise. Especially if you have a history of fighting about this or are in a situation where your communication level is low.
  • Be open! Keep all chores on the list until step 3 so you get to understand the actual effort as well as understanding your partner. But when you consider Step 3 then seriously consider each chore! Is this individual chore something that OUR family really need according to this definition and frequency? “Basic chores” are different in every family!For instance some families will change the linen in the beds every week.. I do it maximum on a monthly basis.. J In some families it’s a must to have a home baked cake for birthday parties, in my family the chocolate cake from the local grocery freezer is the BEST!
  • Divide the chores in Step 3 based on interest/ease to the individual. If it’s a relatively low effort activity for you to vacuum the house then volunteer for that chore. Maybe you can get away from having to take out the trash that is a high effort chore for you? The whole family will benefit from everyone retaining as high levels of energy as possible.

Be honest about how you perceive the effort of your tasks and respect that it is an individual feeling that you might not always agree on.

Respect and trust each other

Okay so now you’ve structured your list and divided the responsibilities and you have a new understanding of all the chores/musts that make up the cornerstone of your family life. Now is the time for a BIG FAT WARNING! It would be very easy to use that list as an agreement and to start expecting things of each other.

“You are responsible for buying the gift for the party this weekend, have you done it yet?!”, “The floor in the living room needs vacuuming, when will you do it?”

I believe it is important to talk this through very consciously. It should be an agreement that you can trust – otherwise the person that is not responsible for the chore won’t be able to completely relax the responsibility for it. But if you start using the list as a basis for setting your partner up… well then you’re soon in for that divorce anyways ;p

Finally; If you take just one thing from this post then please realize that the way you divide the chores and the agreement between you is just a START. A common starting point for making things easier and providing more energy to your family. In the end you really need to make each other feel needed and significant. Even if you’ve agreed on the responsibilities please don’t forget to nurture your relationship on a daily basis!

Simple appreciation and gratitude are underestimated and forceful tools for creating and maintaining that family connection and love.
It’s been said before but it’s worth saying again!