#Family Fun

What is your aspiration for the coming holiday season?

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aspiration

Christmas is around the corner and people have very different aspirations for the holiday. Some have been looking forward to the time off with family and friends while others are burning out with the extra work. A newly released study, SWEDEHEART observational study 1998-2013,indicates a correlation between higher risk of myocardial infarction and Christmas Eve. The study points out that elderly people, with a history of coronary artery disease are most impacted but I think most people are.

What do you envision when you think about the coming holiday season?

“Christmas is a season delivered by women for children and men”

Do you remember when Christmas, or any other major family gathering, became more than a happy occasion to turn up to? When you went from child to grown up and began shouldering some of the responsibilities for planning and preparing. I remember being in my late teens when I began noticing the effort needed for entertaining guests both during and after a party.

When I left home, moving to live on my own, I was struck by all the details that logistically challenge a party or family dinner.When to start the oven so you time the main course perfectly to when you’redone with the starter. Choosing what to eat based on how much you can prepare in advance. Setting the table with just the right plates and napkins in the same tonality matched to the color of the candles and so on.

The conscious driving force has been to make everyone feel welcome, to enjoy themselves and “not have to do boring kitchen work” when they visit me. I want everyone to have fun, eat good food and overall have a lovely experience. It never occurred to me that I was taking on too much work,I couldn’t see any other way. Everything just needed to be done and I was apparently the only one who understood the importance of getting it just right.I got upset with my partner who spent the party enjoying our friends company leaving me to the cooking and serving. I once heard that Christmas was a holiday delivered by women for children and for men. I remember thinking how evidently true that statement was. I never questioned why or if it had to be that way.

Who sets the expectations?

You know how you sometimes can recognize a bad habit or belief in others but be blind to your own? Someone once likened this inability to see yourself to the fact that you can’t lick your own elbow. Super weird way of saying it. I guess that’s why it has stuck in my mind. I watched a good friend and coworker struggle in life. She was in a tough job situation, working over time more nights than not, she and her husband were fighting all the time and she had two kids with learning disabilities who were failing in school. As the Christmas season was coming up I watched her grow more and more agitated. She got impatient and quick to anger. Once, a week before Christmas, we went out for lunch together. She wanted to see if she could find some last minute gifts at the mall. We started talking about Christmas.

I asked about her favorite time and she said it was when the day was over, everyone had had a good day, and she could finally just sit down in her armchair with a glass of sherry and just enjoy the silence and the lights of the tree. By the dreamy way she said it I understood how much she was looking forward to that time. I recognized my own tendency to go go go, not prioritizing myself. I thought of how motherhood somehow was equated to sacrifice. I wanted to tell her to slow down and lower her expectations. But I kept silent because, to me, she was making sense. Off course you have to sacrifice for your children and your family. Don’t you?

What else could be removed?

It wasn’t until life conspired and I found myself confronted with too few hours to do everything I “needed” to get done. I was close to burn out and my body made it clear I had to prioritize. All of a sudden there were things, that I’d never considered not doing, that had to be left for another time. It was painful and it hurt my pride and sense of achievement. I was failing. But it opened up something in my mind.

I realized that life went on just fine even when I didn’t get everything done. Even if I didn’t clean my windows twice a year, changed the linen in my bed every two weeks or bake homemade cookies for my kids birthday party I was okay. I was fighting my internal drive that wanted me to show how capable I was, that I was a worthy mother, hostess,woman. When life took away my ability to perform I realized what a relief it was to let go of the expectations. I was intrigued and started investigating what else I could remove from my life. It turns out I’ve been doing a whole lot of things that hasn’t given me anything but stress.

But what about Christmas?

The big area that I still struggle, to let go of, is when it comes to Christmas. I still have such a rigid idea of how it should be spent. And my aspiration is still to make it a perfect day for everyone.The million dollar question is; what does a perfect day look like? When I ask my kids they told me they actually look forward to the day before Christmas more than Christmas itself. The day when we spend time together decorating the house and make fudge.

What would happen if you cleared your prior expectations and aspirations and put the question to your family? Ask your husband,wife, parents, children what they most look forward to this Christmas. Ask them what they worry about or if they are stressed out about anything. Let them know what you look forward to and have a family discussion about your aspirations. Give them the gift of helping you and making you happy, ask them for help

BeBrave

Being bored is sometimes the start of something new

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Bored

”I’m bored!” ”I have nothing fun to do!”

“Can I rent a movie or play on my IPhone?”

“Can I go buy an ice-cream?”

“What’s for breakfast, lunch, dinner?”

“You’re not bored – you’re boring!”

There are few things that trigger me as much as when my kids are whining about being bored. To be honest, they read my blog and will get mad if I’m not, they very seldom do nowadays. But I used to get super annoyed with them for complaining about not having anything fun to do or for bothering each other with stupid arguments because they had nothing better to do. They also used to nag me about getting something to eat when they were bored – it drove me nuts.

Someone once told me that if I was a person easily bored then I wasn’t really bored – I was being boring. It really hit me, hard. I didn’t want to be boring, I want to be a fun loving person that people like spending time with. Off course I didn’t want my kids to be boring either. Not for their own sakes and also because I’d feel like I’d failed them as a mother.

What used to bother me, wasn’t their expectation that I should somehow entertain them, it was the fact that they confronted me with my own feelings of being a bad mother.

I’m still triggered by my kids, even if it’s not by the exact same events, and I’ve been moving towards this summer vacation with mixed emotions. On the one hand I really love all the available time to spend with them. On the other, all that time leaves me no escape from being confronted by things that I still feel bad about. There’s nowhere to run, no work to hide in, no school and homework to use as an excuse to just keep doing. No way to avoid standing still to look at life just the way it is.

Most divorces are filed right after summer

Statistics show that September is the month when most divorces are filed. I bet part of the reason is that we set such high expectations on those precious few weeks/days that we chose to spend off from work. If we aren’t deliberately reasonable those days might be expected to solve all of the wants and needs we’ve been putting off during the entire year.

Redecorating the bedroom, losing ten pounds, starting a new online business, teaching the kids to speak a foreign language or two, buying new lingerie and seducing your husband, learning to cook healthy food, inspiring the family to ever higher ambitions and goals.

We seldom accuse our kids for our disappointments, we somehow instinctively know they aren’t to blame. The most appropriate direction to point that blame finger usually hurts the ego so bad that it’s unthinkable. So the only place left is on the other adult in the company.

After a few days of vacation, with parents lost under all that pressure, maybe our kids feel like divorcing us?

What if being bored is necessary

It’s crazy to, even for a second, consider avoiding my daughters, because, when I just stop and think about it I know that spending time with my kids is one of the most amazing and rewarding parts of my life. When we get enough time together, and I manage to be present, I’m always blown away as to how much wisdom they have. They are so full of life, wonder and love and they always make me laugh.

I know that when I lower my ambitions I become a much more loving person to be around. When I let go of guilt and blaming myself I feel lighter and I treat people around me ever so much better. I’ve been scared that letting go of the “shoulds” and “wants” for even a short while would make us lazy and in the end miserable. Afraid that feeling bored was the first sign of complete and utter decay. So boredom has had a really bad connotation.

But what if being bored isn’t equal to being boring people? What if being bored is the first necessary step towards a moment of connection over sharing something new? Maybe being bored is a sign that we finally have let go of all the musts and that we’ve freed some time to finally feel and breathe?

The last time my daughter said she was bored I asked her what she would like to do. She proposed a board game. We found one we’d never played before and spent an evening together laughing.

BeBrave

 

Join in the play and enjoy your children’s vivid imagination

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Imagination

Have you noticed how easy it is to get a child hooked in a good story? Go to the theater or the cinema and observe your kids when they’re watching the show. You can tell that they are no longer in the room with you, they are deep into the story. Living the adventure, relating to the characters. You can get the same reaction from reading a book together. Use your voice to give life to the characters and read it with focus and eagerness and you’ll draw them in for sure.

What stories are part of your world?

Stories have been a part of the human development since long before reading and writing was invented. Stories capture the imagination and helps memory. We use stories to portray heroes, pass on life lessons and exemplify desirable values and beliefs.

I’ve been a fan of Fantasy and Science Fiction for as long as I can remember. It started with Astrid Lindgren and Disney and developed into Tolkien, Eddings, George Lucas, Salvatore, Jordan and many many more. Through the years I’ve gotten some comments on my choice of literature. Some seem to think Fantasy is for children, that when you grow up you should grow out of imagining things and move over to proper genres.

Thankfully the Fantasy/Sci-Fi movement has won ground in the recent years and nowadays you can find a good story in any bookstore. Fantasy prepares your brain for thinking outside of given parameters. It lets your imagination run free. You get to explore what a society would look like and how people would act under completely different circumstances. What would happen if you could live for a thousand years? How would you manage equality in a world where some are born with abilities to fly, read minds or conjure things out of thin air? What would the world look like if animals could talk?

Children are experts at imagination

When a child is consumed in play she/he’s probably a long way into an imaginary world. When she/he’s playing it’s usually done out loud – try sneaking up without being noticed and listen. It’s amazing the stories and imagination that comes alive.

The cars and trucks are racing for victory and the building blocks are huge boulders that giants have thrown down to try and stop the race. Just when the last curve is coming up an evil transformer appears and tries to stop the hero with a blast from his huge disintegration weapons. As the car is falling apart the hero has to make a daring jump and escapes just in time.

 

The pet shop cats are huge lions running for life trying to get away from the evil witch who want to steal their ability to roar and use it in one of her magic potions. They find shelter within a cave (under a blanket draped over the small table in the playroom) and exhausted fall down to rest hoping that the witch won’t find their trail. The lions were too tired to notice the small footprints in the cave… who lives in this cave?

Imagination

Children get consumed by their play and their imagination aren’t limited by stupid adult constraints, reason or logic. Flying dolphins, why not?

It’s good to remember that when you interrupt a game, like for dinner or having to go somewhere, you’re actually disturbing the imaginary world that’s been created. Your child might be a long way away from the actual reality going on. Relating to the characters and feeling deeply for their salvation and well being. Getting a child, with a vivid imagination out of play takes some thoughtfulness.

Join in the play but don’t disrupt or bring adult “logic” to the game

Joining in when your child is playing can be extremely rewarding and strengthen your connection. Remember not to take over the storyline, your imagination will never rival theirs 😉 In fact, if you try to add to the narrative you’ll probably only distance yourself from the child. Let her lead the way. Just participate according to your designated role and ask questions – What happens now? What does she say then? How is she going to act next? Your child will prompt you.

Play along and marvel at the world that’s created. Ask how things look, what sounds are there and how the characters are feeling. If you do it right, commit to the imagination, your child might not consciously notice you’re there. You’re now part of the story, another character come even more alive. But when the time comes for taking a break you will have a much easier time convincing and persuading her to join you in the real world.

But I’ve not practiced my imagination for years!

If you haven’t used your imagination for a long time it might feel a bit awkward at first. The goal is to spend some time being part of your child’s world and to connect, not to rate you on your imagination. Keep asking questions or just play along quietly until you’re invited to participate more actively.

Remember the characters that you were inspired and touched by when you were growing up. The presence, values and qualities they embodied.

I’ve been influenced by female and male characters growing up. Captivated by stories of bravery, adventure and magic. I’ve shared my world with Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Ronia the Robbers daughter, Aviendha, Egwene, Arwen, Strider, Sparhawk, Drizzt Do’Urden and many more.

Join in the play and rejoice in having a moment of fun with your children! It’s what life is for – enjoying it – and kids do it SO well.

BeBrave

How often do you let your inner child lead towards playfulness?

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Playfulness

What would change your feelings towards playfulness when you’re faced with a negative situation? What could you add or subtract to make an experience that you earlier thought of as an energy drain into something at least neutral or maybe even fun? When was the last time you stopped and listened to that inner child begging you to play?

Photo of the inner children

I saw the photo credited to Gerome Viavant , taken at Burning man, a couple of years ago. To me this constellation is truly inspiring and thought provoking. It’s a beautiful piece of art showing us our inner children. I realized many years ago that I have, indeed, a young girl inside of me. She’s about the age of five – you can reason with her but she’s kinda easily frightened. My girl usually needs me to reassure her and make her feel safe – she’s the voice of my girlish fears.

I’ve had occasions where I’ve had to take her by the hand and tell her it’ll be ok. Inside my mind I’ve literally said the words “baby, I know you’re afraid right now, but it’s going to be okay. We need to do this even if it’s scary”.

I’ve also had the distinct feeling that it’s that little girl who keeps me sulking long after I, as an adult, think it’s reasonable. When I’ve been in an argument with someone I care about and my conscious mind really only wants to get back on track with that person there she is, that pouting little girl, stopping me. An art constellation describing that voice would be more accurate with the inner children turned away in resentment and hurt.

The real photo, I believe, describes another voice. The one that doesn’t take things so seriously. More like that of Anna in Frozen – “Do you want to build a snowman? Come on, let’s go and play!”.

Can playfulness be a choice?

What would happen if you added a little, or a lot, more play to your life?

What addition would make your everyday chores more enjoyable? And what about exercise? Or spending dinner with your family? How could you bring laughter into dinner time in a way that’d leave you gasping for breath because you’d be laughing so hard? Would your teenagers look forward to family dinner time more if that was the setting?

I love using music to brighten my mood. Music and candles 🙂 Almost every family meal is accompanied by lit candles. The music we listen to differs a little depending on what time of day it is. Calm in the mornings, upbeat during the weekends and evenings. Sometimes we sing along and goof around or start dancing in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, we also spend some meals in silence because we’re just irritated or too tired to talk – we Are a pretty normal family 🙂

My point is this. Why would you want to do something one way when there’s possibly other ways to do the same thing that include laughter and fun? What does your inner child say? What are some things you loved doing as a child that would surprise your children or even your spouse if you did today?

Can cleaning your room be fun?

When my daughter Emelie was younger she had a really cool way of tidying her room. She’s always had a vivid imagination and she never minded spending time on her own. When the time came to tidy her room she made it into a game. I’d hear play going on in her room and sometimes go to remind her to get started. But she’d be in full tidying mode already half done – she’d “invented a game to make it more fun” 🙂

Her Pet shop pets were involved. She’d separate them into three different teams and then start a competition for them. The team that got their tidying done first would be the winner. Then she’d go through team after team and let each team progress in their area. The dogs would start with the table that was filled with pens, glue, paper and other traces of creativity. When they’d gotten a long way she’d switch to the cats team and get them working on getting all the laundry into the laundry basket. When almost all clothes were gone she’d move on to the third group (horses?, birds?.. don’t know..) and get them busy with tidying everything off of the floor. Then back to the first group and on and on until all groups were almost done – the exciting finale; which team would stand as the winning one?

It took her something like three times as long to tidy up but she’d have a great time doing it and it got done. A win-win for everyone 🙂

Would you like to share your ideas for making family life fun and enjoyable on a weekday basis? Please leave a comment and share! 🙂

BeBrave

Tell your children’s story and connect them to something bigger

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Story

“Your dad and I felt that there was someone missing in our family. When I was pregnant, and you were in my tummy, I secretly hoped that you would be a girl. I fell in love with you during those months that I felt you growing inside of me. It felt like we had a bond already and I hadn’t even met you yet. We went to the doctor and found out that you were indeed a girl. We talked about what we should name you but it was such a hard decision. We’d never given someone their name before. We felt we needed to meet you before we decided.”

The brain loves story. The more times you hear a story the better you will remember it. There is a neurological reason for this. Your brain wires neurons together and once you’ve connected one part of a story to another then your brain will help you remember the sequence. The network of neurons (brain cells) will show the way. If you only remember the start then your brain will provide the entire story linked to that start.

Humans have passed on stories and knowledge in the form of storytelling for ages. In the time before the possibility to write things down the only way to keep the wisdom gained by your ancestors was by storytelling. Imagine the tribe gathered around the fire and the elders passing on knowledge and the experiences from generations back.

We’re wired for story and for connection

I’ve written about how one of our greatest fears is to be left out. The worst punishment to put a human through is isolation. To be connected and to feel like you belong is deeply soothing and gives a special kind of calm. We’re usually not even aware of it but we constantly assess how we’re doing in terms of connection and interaction with the people around us. Remember we’re wired for connection.

One way to give that gift of belonging to your child is by telling her about your family’s history. My daughters really loved hearing about when I was born, how their grandparent had been as I was growing up. Imagining your parents as kids and your grandparents as younger adults is for some reason mesmerizing for children.

Make the story come alive on paper

Humans learn and remember better the more senses they can connect to the learning experience. Hearing, seeing, saying, feeling, smelling, tasting – the more ways you get involved in the better. Apart from telling your family story you could get your child involved in drawing your family tree. You can go back in time as far as you know your history but if you have a young child (4-6 years) you might want to start with only the people that are still alive that your child knows already. If you have an older child then you can do it together and include an interview with your family members to get them to tell the stories about their mothers and fathers to include in the tree.

As you come to the present your story will include your “child’s story”. Watch as she realizes that she’s part of a line of people. How she belongs. I bet she will ask you to tell that story again and again. When I tell the story of how my girls were born, why we decided to have children and how happy we were when each of them was born they absolutely glow with joy.

Revisit the family tree and let your child “tell the story” about your family. That way she is repeating the story as well as trying the “talking” which will further secure the memory.

Give the gift of belonging to your child

  1. Tell the story of when she was little
  2. Draw your family tree, interview your relatives and add memories/comments to your tree
  3. Revisit the family tree and let her tell the stories

I’d love to hear from you. What experiences do you have of talking about your family history and how do your children respond to the exercise of drawing your family tree?

BeBrave

Have fun with your family

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Family fun

When did you last do something completely unexpected for your children? Having fun together is the absolutely best way I know to influence our family connection both in the short immediate situation but also in a longer perspective. I wish I had more fun with my daughters, in fact it’s been on my radar for a while and is now on my goals for this year – To laugh every day! 😀

Surprising the ones I care about is just about the thing I love the most. Wrapping Christmas gifts or planning a treasure hunt or planning for birthdays fills me with warmth, connection and .. well it might sound “Hallmark’y” but.. infinite gratitude!

Surprising the people you love

I once participated in a surprise “graduation celebration” for a beloved family member. She was retiring from her teaching career and we planned to kidnap her from the school in old school graduation ceremony manner when her last day was done. By chance she unknowingly escaped us and beat us home but we just brought the celebration to her house 😉 I still smile when I think about how much fun we had and how happy she got.

The most legendary surprise I’ve pulled of with my daughters was that day we went to the amusement park. On a school day! It was planned and I had even asked for formal leave from school so everything was approved. But my girls didn’t know that. In the morning I woke them up and we had breakfast as usual. When we went to put our clothes on to go to school I let them get half-dressed then said “You know what? I don’t feel like going to work today. What do you say, shouldn’t we go to the amusement park instead??” Their faces.. the BEST surprise ever! The blog photo is from that day. We had a beautiful day and we still talk about that memory.

Plan a “date” with your child

If you have more than one kid it’s sometimes hard to get quality time with them individually. I read Steven Coveys 7 Habits for successful Families a couple of years ago and have implemented one of the concept described there. To plan a solo-date with my children. At least once a year we decide on a date, plan for the other child to be with the other parent and start the planning. The idea is to plan for a day that that particular child will enjoy. Last time my youngest and I went swimming and then to a cafe to have some cake. My eldest and I went to the science fiction/fantasy bookstore and then went shopping for some clothes.

Remember to plan ahead so you can really clear your schedule and mind of other things. If you set a date then make sure that you don’t move it. Make this day important for you and it will be important for your child. It can truly be a close and warm experience if you give all your attention and take it seriously. Your child will feel important and seen.

Oh, and remember to focus on having fun and on the child that’s there. Don’t talk about siblings. Don’t give in to any impulse to use this close time for bringing up issues. If your child brings up something then listen and answer questions and give your full attention.

Laugh together

There’s a saying in Swedish that translates to “A good laugh will prolong your life”. Even if my daughters have given me some grey hairs and way too little sleep they’ve netted me many days on my life span. They make me laugh. They are so good at living in the moment and enjoying the now. My little mindfulness experts!

When I’m laughing it’s like I’m magnetic. Both my daughters are drawn to the sound of laughter. It’s not that strange when I think about it. I really enjoy hearing their bubbling laughter as well. We went to the movies just the other day to watch Ferdinand, the latest Disney movie. I must say I love how they always include little things in children’s movies for us adults. There was a dance show down at one point that had me gasping for air with laughter. I think I was enjoying it more than any of the kids there. 😀 We laughed a lot after the movie talking about different scenes and we’ve talked about that dance scene a number of times since last week.

How do you have fun with your family? Do you plan surprises? Let me know in the comments below. Share the joy!

BeBrave

Challenge your comfort zone – Why??

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Comfort zone

It was early this summer. The idea had been growing inside me for a long time and I was finally ready to take action. I wanted to challenge my comfort zone, to make it grow. I knew how good it feels for me to make breakthroughs and I went on a deliberate hunt for that high.

There was a specific area I had in mind. I’d tried it before but not gotten the results I was after just yet. I knew it could be done, I’d seen plenty of people do it before, and I was working myself up to the challenge. I’m talking about overcoming my fear of heights.

Two summers earlier I’d gone on that same mission and gotten a taste of the bliss but not gotten the lasting effect I believed could be there. That time I was thrilled with actually having gone on the free fall ride and survived to tell about it 😉

This time I wanted to conquer that ride forever! I’d seen people go up and sit completely relaxed, arms and legs stretched out in midair and just relax into the feeling of falling straight down to certain death. It looked so peaceful. So trusting. So cool. I wanted that feeling and I wanted to prove to myself that I’d grown since the last try. I’d spent two years ignoring the thoughts about that amusement park when they surfaced. Now was the time to Step up!

You don’t have to do it alone

I asked some of my friends to join me, with different results; One said “Oh, this Saturday? Oh no I can’t that day… or any other day of my life!” *smile* I believe she’s not that into heights either. Another one said “Sure but I don’t see the point really, it’s just scary, why do you want to put yourself through that?”. Eventually I asked a friend that, although I didn’t know it at the time, LOVES amusement parks. She said “Hell yes!” and also got really enthusiastic about the comfort zone challenge in itself.

Maria&Jenny

Maria and me at Gröna Lund

We booked a day two weeks later and I spent every morning meditation picturing myself leaning into that free fall ride, trusting the machinery and giving myself over to whatever was meant to happen. I was SO scared going up that first time. Giddy with adrenaline. I looked only upwards into the sky. The first time was a total shock – again. The second time was about as scary. The third time, just as we were slowing down at the bottom I got a sense of that feeling I was after. The fourth time I got it and on the fifth I was really enjoying the fall. We spent hours going on other amazing rides I’d not even considered before.

Thank YOU Maria! 🙂

What does your comfort zone look like?

We all have our comfort zone. Within certain situations, places and with certain people we feel safe. Everything we know, everything that we can predict and control lies within our zone of comfort. This is where we feel secure and where we can be “ourselves”. Outside of what is known lies the unknown. The unknown could mean danger but the unknown also contain everything we want and need that we don’t already have.

Think about it. If something you really wanted was inside your comfort zone then you would already have it. To be able to reach new goals, you need to learn new skills and new levels of thinking, you need to get outside of your comfort zone. You need to push through the discomfort of doing things that you’re not used to.

The good news is that getting out of your comfort zone can be practiced. You can get better and better at doing it comfortably. Eventually you will start to crave the experience of pushing through the boundary that’s holding you back from new things. Even better is the fact that it doesn’t really matter where you start to push that boundary, you can start with something easy and you will still get the momentum up to where pushing the bigger things forward will seem relatively manageable.

Shifting my identity

My experience this summer, conquering that amusement park, shifted my identity in two ways:

  1. I went from someone who was scared of that free fall ride. From being someone who would rather tell stories about how ridiculous it was for people to go on such crazy searches for an adrenaline rush to someone who now enjoys life more and will pay good money on amusement parks to get that incredible thrill.
  2. I proved to myself that I can take control over my core values and belief structures – my identity. I am now someone who not only knows the theory about the possibility of changing my identity, I’ve now lived that change and therefore proven that I am someone who actually make it happen.

In an earlier blog post I’ve written about “the circle of beliefs and results”. Humans lead with their beliefs and values and your identity is made up of exactly that; beliefs and values. Who you perceive yourself to be will determine what you will do and act on. Challenging your comfort zone is one way to prove a new value you want to instill. You commit to a new belief, go out and act accordingly to then get the reference experience to back that belief and make it true.

Do you want to open up your life to new experiences?

What is something your inner voice is telling you that “you can’t do”? What would happen if you just went out and did it? Your wiring for your identity would fight you like crazy but eventually the fact that you just did it will win over and you will shift into someone who does new things.

What would be something small you could start with?
What would be possible for you if you pushed your comfort zone a little or even a lot?
How would your children benefit from seeing you trying and learning new things?

BeBrave

Christmas – Do you want to help your child focus on giving?

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Christmas – Do you want to help your child focus on giving?

Is it okay to look forward to gifts on Christmas? How do you handle expectations and gifts in your family? Do your relatives ask your children “What do you wish for Christmas” or “What have you asked Santa for?”?

Christmas is around the corner and my girls and I are sooo looking forward to it! Although I don’t like the consumeristic idea of the holiday I really do enjoy coming up with surprises for the ones I love. One of my favorite times of the year is that night when I get to do the wrapping. It’s an all-night event. I get the girls in bed or out of the house, nowadays it’s easy since they’re at their dad’s house every other week. Then I pour myself a cup of tea (or a glass of wine 😉 ), put on some Christmas music and overflow the kitchen table with wrapping material. I wrap gifts and think of making my family happy – I love this night!

Excitement or agony?

I know that there is a great divide in people who loves this holiday and those who think it’s mostly agony. True agony for all the people who don’t have anyone to share it with or for those parents that have barely enough to make it through the day let alone get gifts or special Christmas treats for their kids.

I’m incredibly blessed in my life and so there really isn’t any agony to talk of. I still have mixed feelings towards the holiday though. The potential stress for me is when I either can’t think of something for someone I love or when I just can’t afford it. In contrast, when I do find something and actually can get it, I feel giddy and exited and can’t wait for the day when I get to see the surprise and happiness.

The potential stress is still real, although I know it’s a blessed situation. I remember actual uncomfortable dreams about it when I was in my teens. Dreaming that it was the day before Christmas and I had completely forgotten about it. Trying to find something for the people I loved at the local gas station. As I grew older I implemented the strategy of keeping an eye on Christmas from about the end of September. Whenever I hear someone I love talk about something they’d like to do or get I take a mental, and later written, note.

Give children the gift of giving

My girls loves getting gifts, but they really love giving them as well. They’ve been making gifts at school and crafting things at home. Given a glue-gun, some pens and paper and they can create the most creative objects you can imagine. Having a creative studio set up at the kitchen table has kept them occupied for many evenings in November/December.

As they’ve grown older they’ve become more aware of a difference in price between what they can afford or create and what they usually get. It’s been a challenge for them trying to come to terms with this. My eldest came into a period where she no longer wanted to create things because it “just wasn’t good enough”. I saw she was struggling to explain, to herself more than to anyone else, why she didn’t make or give gifts. It took some of the joy out of Christmas for her.

I try to help them out with finding things or activities they can do for the ones they love that don’t require a lot of money.

  • One of my girls loves to write fiction so I asked her to write a story for someone
  • Sometimes we bake candy or cookies
  • Making a painting of a mind-map over all the reasons she loves someone and frame it
  • Making a gift card of an in-house massage or a clean house

Balancing excitement and disappointment

Like most children, in privileged homes, my girls look forward to this holiday – a lot. The countdown starts when it’s about 7 weeks left and the days seam to slow down just to tease them. The excitement is heightened by the people around them asking about what they wish for Christmas. A child doesn’t have any problems asking Santa for things. Kids don’t care what the cost is or if it’s doable or not. My daughters have wished for ponies and puppies and a swimming-pool..

When you ask a child “what they would reeeeeally like if they could wish for anything they wanted” they will start wishing for it. I know we ask out of a nice intention, we want to know if there is something they want that we can give to them, but maybe we should shift more of the focus away from the getting towards the giving?

I remember that sorrowful feeling when high expectations weren’t met, I remember it personally and I’ve seen it with my girls. They so longed and hoped for something that they didn’t get. At first I was a little provoked by their reactions. They weren’t acting out or anything, there were just tightly held tears that I could sense. I thought they were acting spoiled and ungrateful for everything they have. Then I realized that I’d participated in creating this situation by the way I was acting. I and the other people around them had asked and gotten them to talk about all their wishes.. Not once had I worked to downplay their expectations or to reason with them about their wish lists.

Downplay the wish list and focus on being connected

Are there any things you can do or focus on to enjoy the Holiday with your kids even more? Maybe these tips can help:

  1. Plan ahead, do your Christmas shopping as early in November as you can. That way you can relax and thoroughly enjoy this time. A connected family will give more happiness than any gift you could ever buy.
  2. Downplay the wish list and talk about how lucky we are to have so much. Join in a charity or action towards giving to those who have nothing. One example that we’ve joined in is The Basket brigade.
  3. Focus on giving and seeing the joy on the faces of grandparents and family members and help your children come up with good examples of gifts if they can’t think of something themselves. Give them the gift of giving

BeBrave

When the risk of “falling” keep you from living full out!

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Falling

Do you or your child avoid trying new things because of the risk of falling and potentially looking stupid? There are some people that don’t even hesitate when they’re presented with a new challenge. There are actually people, adults and children, that actively seek the opportunity to participate in new situations!

I realize that my surprise at that tells you something about my mindset 😉

Fear of what others might think

When I was young I was that girl standing at the side of whatever was going on. I was watching, learning the ground rules and making sure I knew what was expected from me before even considering joining in. This behavior of course came from the fear of looking stupid. It’s a fear that I’ve struggled with growing up.

As an adult I came to realize how limiting and quite frankly BORING that mindset was. I was missing out on so much fun! When my friends went on ski-trips I didn’t wanna go. I didn’t join in with the beach-volley teams at the beach in the summers even though I actually had played volleyball in a team for two years in my late teens. I didn’t sign up for challenging physical races, no races actually. (Still don’t. But I’m working myself towards it 🙂 )

I decided to kick this mental habit out! It’s a work in progress.

You can help you child stay out of the fear mindset

If you want to help your child to stay out of the trap of holding herself back from new experiences there are many things you can try. It is of course, as usual, easiest if you walk your talk. If your child see you put yourself in new situations and see how you handle falling, failing and getting back up. See you laugh while learning. See you not giving up. Then your child will act the same.

Playhouse

Playhouse

I want my girls to play and have fun and not to be hindered by their bodies. Especially as girls I believe they need the extra encouragement to challenge themselves. Society will try to box them into a good girl behavior sooner or later and I want to prepare them so they resist.

Since they were babies we’ve been very physical in our play with them. Their father and I used to throw them between ourselves, very safely of course (!!!). We let them jump and climb all over our bed and living-room sofa (be very clear that that is not something they can do at other people’s houses). We built a little playhouse in their playroom up by the ceiling that they needed a rope-ladder to reach.

“How many times are you going to fall today?”

When the time came for Linnea and Emelie to try new things, like skating, skiing, skateboarding, climbing trees or just balancing, I used to smile and ask “So how many times are you going to fall today??”. If you don’t fall, you’re playing it safe and you’re missing out on the fun and the learning. It is at the limit of your ability that you grow the most. The question has given us many fun memories; when my youngest was learning to ski I actually heard her counting every time she fell and after about half an hour(!) of insistent practicing she beamed at me and stated “Mommy, I’ve fallen 34 times!!”

Use your words to help your child stay open

Read these sentences and see if you can feel the difference. There are ways of thinking that will encourage grit, practice, an open mind and curiosity. Maybe some of these tools, in terms of perspective, will be useful in your family.

Hey darling, you’re really good at skiing now! => Wow, darling, I see you’ve really put effort and time into practicing.

I’m really good at this! => It feels like I’m really on the right track!

I give up, this is too hard! => What other strategies are there that I haven’t tried yet?

This is easy! => I need more challenge!

Lisa skates so well, I’ll never be that good! => I’m going to figure out how Lisa does it so I can learn from her.

Use your body and your mind to become all you can be

Don’t let the fear of falling and looking stupid stop you from living your life in a physical way. Your body and mind are connected and developing the one will impact the other. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to build a strong mind through the shortcut of your body. Challenge yourself.

And hey, maybe the most important message when talking about this; have FUN! To participate in life in a physical, active way is fun! You will laugh and be energized and restored.

BeBrave

Choose connection. Your brain give meaning to facts

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Choose connection

The level of quality you experience in your life is equal to the quality of the feelings you experience. If you’ve followed my blog you know that I believe that the meaning of life is to enjoy this human experience and using your focus will really impact how you feel about being a human. Your brain give meaning to facts and situations in your life.

Let me share a typical situation from my everyday life:

It’s a weekday around five o’clock. I step in the door to our apartment. I put the grocery bag and my back-pack, with my very non-portable computer, down on the floor. My mind busy with thoughts of what to cook for dinner, the clothes in the washing machine that needs hanging, plans for the evening – to get homework and chores done, reminding myself to return the missed phone call from my sister when I get the time. My thoughts stubbornly wandering back to a disagreement from earlier today – could I have said something different, why did the things he said get to me like that?

I see the garbage bag sitting on the floor by the door where I left it this morning, the unpacked gym bag that I know contains a wet towel, I glance into the kitchen and see the table with pieces of paper, scissors and glue stick strewn over it. The floor glittering in a yellow tint.

I hear a Youtuber-feed from behind a closed door to one daughter’s room and a shout from the other “Is that you mum!?”

My world is full of facts – My brain gives them meaning

The situation above, or very similar ones, are ones that I’ve lived through many many times. I’ve had the opportunity to try different approaches to managing them with very different results. Let me give you two examples from my life. Maybe you’ll get a feeling for the results by just reading about them. Maybe you can relate to these scenarios and the impact it will have on the connection you have with your children.

So the situation above is the same in these two scenarios.

Scenario 1 – “I have the RIGHT to get cooperation and help!”

My thoughts fall into a routine that I’ve been running enough times to become really efficient with it. “Haven’t I taught them better than this? She should know how her towel is going to stink if she doesn’t hang it up to dry when she gets home. Euw that garbage is going to start to smell bad! Is it too much to ask that they take some initiative – do I have to do everything? I’m SO tired.. can’t they see that just because you’re tired you can’t just give in to the lust to chill and do nothing.”

I call to my daughter “Yes it’s me! Hey you haven’t unpacked your gym bag!”

Then I walk into the kitchen and start unpacking the food and getting everything into the pantry and fridge. I set a pan on the stove to bring water for spaghetti to the boil, place some meatballs from the freezer on defrost in the micro and start cutting vegetables.

My daughter comes into the kitchen with a present for me. She’s created a painting with the words “Worlds best mother”, set it into a frame filled with yellow glitter and wrapped it into a gift. I somewhat reluctantly set the vegetable knife down to open her gift, thank her for the beautiful gift and then tell her to please take care of the mess on the kitchen table because dinner’s ready soon. She complies, cleans the table and quietly go into her room and closes her door.

Dinner is ready, I’ve set the table and lit some candles to make it cozy. I shout to my daughters to tell them “Dinner time!”. My Youtube-daughter doesn’t respond and I angrily call her again. I think “Does she have to be so into that blogger?! Why can’t she be a little more interested to help out at home more and why does she isolate herself in her room so often?”

My other daughter is not responding at all and when I go to find her she’s up in her bunk bed watching a series on the IPad. “I just wanna finish this episode, I’ll be there soon”.

So I go into the kitchen and sit myself down. For every 20 seconds that passes without my kids joining me I get more and more irritated – “What kind of family are we? We can’t even eat dinner together?! Why don’t they appreciate my efforts? Why can’t they take responsibility for contributing to this family and our time together”.

When my eldest (Youtube watching) girl comes into the kitchen sits down and drops the comment that “oh we had meatballs for lunch in school today” I just snap “How was I supposed to know – I really can’t keep everything in my head”.

Calling to my youngest that “Dinner is getting cold, get here!”

I’ve forgotten to lay out knives and forks and when one of my girls gets some for herself and not for her sister a fight starts. Angry voices and irritated body languages, that look that says “you suck!” with all the clarity in the world. “Why couldn’t she get some for me while she was on her feet?!”, “Why do you have to get so angry with me?!”, “I wasn’t angry” ….

We eat our food quickly and mostly silently. My nerves are rattled by the rapid chewing.. “does she have to eat so fast, she can’t possibly taste the food. She’s not going to listen to her own body in terms of feeling full. What kinda bad parent am I who hasn’t been able to create an environment where eating together is something cozy, safe and something that builds connection?”

When we’re done I ask who’s responsible for taking out the trash this week with the intention to remind whoever it is and one of the girls says “I was going to do it after dinner, don’t nag me!”

I’m left at the table with a sinking feeling of being alone, unappreciated and not being enough.

Time from entering the apartment to having had dinner: 50 minutes
Level of energy: 3/10
Level of life satisfaction: 2/10

Scenario 2 – “I’ve missed my little monsters today!”

I step out of my shoes drop my jacket on the floor and shout back to my girl that “NOOOO, it’s not mum, it’s the Cuddling police and you’re going to be arrested for not showering your mum with hugs and kisses when she walks in the door! I’m coming to get you!”

I hear a yell of glee from her room when she throws herself up into her bed to get away from me. I run into her room and climb into her bunk bed, pretend not to see her under the cover, laying down on top of her to get “some nice rest”. When she squeals I untangle her and attack her with tickling and kisses. We laugh and eventually settle down. I ask about her day. She lights up and tells me she’s made me a gift!

I unwrap the painting and I thank her and ask her about it. “Did it take long, what gave her the idea, did she have fun?” She tells me she tried twice before she got it exactly the way she wanted it and that she chose yellow glitter since she knows how it’s my favorite color.

I hug her and tell her how grateful I am to be her mum and that I love to watch her create stuff.

I ask if she’s hungry and if she would like to come help out in the kitchen and keep me company and tell me more about today. She follows me into the kitchen and I say; “Ah, I can see you were creating your painting in here. Is the table here better than the one in your room?” She says yes and I tell her that I understand that, that I feel that way too. Then I ask her if she can help clear and set the table which she agrees to.

I kiss her head and tell her I’ll be right there with her.

I go knock on my Youtube-watching girl’s door and wait for the “come in”. She’s sitting in her bed writing something on her phone. I sit down next to her, kiss her on the neck and ask her how she’s doing. She hugs me and tells me she’s writing a list of things that she wants to experience in her life. She got the idea from a Youtuber and she wanted to create her own “bucket list”. I say “Wow how cool! What a great idea! Do you want to share some of your items over dinner?”

We walk into the kitchen and I ask the big one to unpack the groceries while she tells us about the idea about the bucket list and I start with dinner. I give the younger one a cutting board, a knife and some vegetables so she can sit at the table and start cutting. We talk about the possibility of each having a list and about having a shared one for the family. We start dreaming and planning for how we can combine each other’s items and experience these things together.

I ask if they think we should have lit candles for our dinner and they get some candles out and divide them up between themselves so they both get to use the matches to light them.

We have dinner and the conversation turns from long term bucket list goals to how our days have been. We finish the meal together. Afterwards I ask them if they’re done with their chores which reminds my eldest to go take out the garbage.

Time from entering the apartment to having had dinner: 50 minutes
Level of energy: 7/10
Level of life satisfaction: 8/10

Ask from a “Yes” – Connection is actually the quicker way

The primary difference between these two scenarios is not in the time spent or saved. I believe the big difference lies in the amount of energy you get/loose and in the quality of your feelings. However I will still argue that you will actually save time as well. Think of the time you spend on nagging or managing fights today. I bet you could reduce that by at least 50% by focusing on improving you connection.

A good and reliable proof that you’re connecting is when you hear affirmative answers/comments from your child. Writer, therapist and teacher Susan Stiffelman describes the theory of Asking from a yes. She talks about using this theory not as manipulation but as a focus that will promote connection instead of efficiency.

When you focus on the connection between you and your children you will realize that they want to help, they want to participate and be an important part of your family. They want to spend time with you. If you work on your connection you will be able to influence your children towards cooperation and taking initiative for contributing to the family that is as much their safe haven as it is yours.

Action for today

So what can you do today to learn about yourself and the connection between focus and feelings? Primarily just stay curious and play the game of – “What else could this mean?” Whenever you find yourself in a negative feeling today take a mental step back. Look at the situation and see what other focus and meaning you can find. When you find a different meaning then pay attention to how your feelings change. I also recommend you to write your observations down in a journal.

BeBrave

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