#Family Connection

Why are you talking? – Goals for communicating

, , , , 0

Goals

Ever met someone who just won’t stop talking even long after you and everyone else in the room clearly just want the monologue to end? Ever wanted to get your children to START talking when all you get is silence or a non-committed “I’m fine” when you ask about their day?
What would happen if you zeroed in on the specific goal you were after before you started talking?

Talking.. Putting words to thoughts is not very easy in and of itself. To then ensure that the words generate the same meaning, to the ones you’re talking to, that you actually intended is master class level of communication.

Why are you talking?

Have you ever stopped to think about it?  There could logically be a number of reasons, here are some examples of the answers I’ve gotten.

  • To be heard – get a feeling of being understood
  • To get someone to do something you want/need
  • To make someone feel loved

I’ve also spotted a few other “reasons” during the years when I’ve been consciously watching, myself and others.

  • Because something someone said triggered a story/memory in you that you just couldn’t stop yourself from blurting out.
    You’ve told that story a thousand times but you can’t stop yourself from repeating it. (That’s because you’ve told it a thousand times and the brain gets good at what the brain does).
  • To get back at someone
  • To hide behind some story to avert the attention from other more tender, potentially scary subjects

Start with the end in mind

In NLP, a leadership and communication toolbox I’ve studied, there is a base belief that states;

“The purpose of communicating is the response you get”

The background to this theory is the idea that communication consist of two parties, the sending and the receiving one. In true communication, compared to a monologue, both of you dance back and forth between sending and receiving. As the sending party you cannot really control what the receiving party interprets. But you can be sensitive to the response. Pay attention and be flexible in your approach until the message you’re trying to send actually results in what you want.

If you say “I want you to clean your stuff from the living room” to your daughter the result can vary from time to time. One possible result is that your daughter grabs her things and goes to lock herself in her room for the rest of the evening. Maybe that is what you want to happen ;p

Maybe the result you were looking for was an active help in taking care of the house, a clean living room as well as a happy daughter.

The key to be able to achieve your goals is to be very aware of what you actually want to happen. To set a very specific target.

Is the channel open or closed?

When it comes to children, and most adults, there is one specific factor you could benefit from payinng special attention to. Is the channel open or closed? If you’re trying to send a message the channel needs to be open. If it’s closed then it won’t matter how well you pick your words or how flexible you are in your approach. The message won’t get through.

Make sure that you have an open channel and your child’s full attention before trying to communicate. As an example, if you’ve ever trained a dog you know that there’s a huge difference in the level of attention that you can get from someone. If there’s a cat walking past the training ground… or if you’re all alone and you’re holding a piece of that favorite treat in your hand. Similarly the level of attention you can get from a child can vary enormously.

In my experience the most effective “tool” to use for attention and opening the communication channel is to be working on your connection. Take some time to connect to where your child is at before trying to work on going somewhere new.

Tips

  • If you want someone’s full attention then ask that person when it would be a good time for them. When I plan for our Saturday family meetings I ask each daughter when it would be a good time for her. I ask something like “would it be ok to have the family meeting in 5 minutes?”. That gives them the opportunity to plan in regards to what they’re up to at the moment and to commit to the meeting.
  • Don’t say “don’t” 😉 The brain cannot disregard information that is given to it. If you say “don’t scream at your sister” you’re not giving the brain the information it needs. It still “hears” “scream at your sister” and will register that.
    In this example what you might want to say is something like: “Be nice to your sister. She gets so happy when you’re being caring towards her”
  • Take some time to consider where the person you’re going to talk to is coming from before interacting. How does she seem to be doing today? What are her goals and needs? If you can understand her background and current situation you will have a much better connection and chance of finding a win-win-proposal.

Want better results in your life?

If you were to analyze what you’re after before acting, before opening your mouth to speak, the chances of getting there will go from random chance to at least probable. The next level would be to pay close attention to the result you do get and adjust your communication accordingly until you get the desired results. But let’s start with level 1: “Defining the desired result”

The next time you’re about to interact with someone try the following:

  1. Stop and ensure you get some alone time. Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom if you need some time, it always works 🙂
  2. Take a mental step back from the coming dialogue and ask yourself;
    • What would be the most amazing outcome for me in this situation? How would I like to feel when we’re done?
    • What is the person I’m going to talk to want out of this? How do that person want to feel?
    • How can I approach this situation so that we both get what we want while our relationship remains strong?
  3. Breathe deep and smile. Walk into the dialogue with an open heart and the knowledge that there is a way for you to both get what you want out of this. Walk in with the certainty that you are flexible, strong and non-judgmental enough for the both of you if needed.
    Stay in the present and pay attention to the feedback you’re given and adjust your approach until you you get the desired results for the both of you.

BeBrave

Christmas – Do you want to help your child focus on giving?

, , , , , , 0

Christmas – Do you want to help your child focus on giving?

Is it okay to look forward to gifts on Christmas? How do you handle expectations and gifts in your family? Do your relatives ask your children “What do you wish for Christmas” or “What have you asked Santa for?”?

Christmas is around the corner and my girls and I are sooo looking forward to it! Although I don’t like the consumeristic idea of the holiday I really do enjoy coming up with surprises for the ones I love. One of my favorite times of the year is that night when I get to do the wrapping. It’s an all-night event. I get the girls in bed or out of the house, nowadays it’s easy since they’re at their dad’s house every other week. Then I pour myself a cup of tea (or a glass of wine 😉 ), put on some Christmas music and overflow the kitchen table with wrapping material. I wrap gifts and think of making my family happy – I love this night!

Excitement or agony?

I know that there is a great divide in people who loves this holiday and those who think it’s mostly agony. True agony for all the people who don’t have anyone to share it with or for those parents that have barely enough to make it through the day let alone get gifts or special Christmas treats for their kids.

I’m incredibly blessed in my life and so there really isn’t any agony to talk of. I still have mixed feelings towards the holiday though. The potential stress for me is when I either can’t think of something for someone I love or when I just can’t afford it. In contrast, when I do find something and actually can get it, I feel giddy and exited and can’t wait for the day when I get to see the surprise and happiness.

The potential stress is still real, although I know it’s a blessed situation. I remember actual uncomfortable dreams about it when I was in my teens. Dreaming that it was the day before Christmas and I had completely forgotten about it. Trying to find something for the people I loved at the local gas station. As I grew older I implemented the strategy of keeping an eye on Christmas from about the end of September. Whenever I hear someone I love talk about something they’d like to do or get I take a mental, and later written, note.

Give children the gift of giving

My girls loves getting gifts, but they really love giving them as well. They’ve been making gifts at school and crafting things at home. Given a glue-gun, some pens and paper and they can create the most creative objects you can imagine. Having a creative studio set up at the kitchen table has kept them occupied for many evenings in November/December.

As they’ve grown older they’ve become more aware of a difference in price between what they can afford or create and what they usually get. It’s been a challenge for them trying to come to terms with this. My eldest came into a period where she no longer wanted to create things because it “just wasn’t good enough”. I saw she was struggling to explain, to herself more than to anyone else, why she didn’t make or give gifts. It took some of the joy out of Christmas for her.

I try to help them out with finding things or activities they can do for the ones they love that don’t require a lot of money.

  • One of my girls loves to write fiction so I asked her to write a story for someone
  • Sometimes we bake candy or cookies
  • Making a painting of a mind-map over all the reasons she loves someone and frame it
  • Making a gift card of an in-house massage or a clean house

Balancing excitement and disappointment

Like most children, in privileged homes, my girls look forward to this holiday – a lot. The countdown starts when it’s about 7 weeks left and the days seam to slow down just to tease them. The excitement is heightened by the people around them asking about what they wish for Christmas. A child doesn’t have any problems asking Santa for things. Kids don’t care what the cost is or if it’s doable or not. My daughters have wished for ponies and puppies and a swimming-pool..

When you ask a child “what they would reeeeeally like if they could wish for anything they wanted” they will start wishing for it. I know we ask out of a nice intention, we want to know if there is something they want that we can give to them, but maybe we should shift more of the focus away from the getting towards the giving?

I remember that sorrowful feeling when high expectations weren’t met, I remember it personally and I’ve seen it with my girls. They so longed and hoped for something that they didn’t get. At first I was a little provoked by their reactions. They weren’t acting out or anything, there were just tightly held tears that I could sense. I thought they were acting spoiled and ungrateful for everything they have. Then I realized that I’d participated in creating this situation by the way I was acting. I and the other people around them had asked and gotten them to talk about all their wishes.. Not once had I worked to downplay their expectations or to reason with them about their wish lists.

Downplay the wish list and focus on being connected

Are there any things you can do or focus on to enjoy the Holiday with your kids even more? Maybe these tips can help:

  1. Plan ahead, do your Christmas shopping as early in November as you can. That way you can relax and thoroughly enjoy this time. A connected family will give more happiness than any gift you could ever buy.
  2. Downplay the wish list and talk about how lucky we are to have so much. Join in a charity or action towards giving to those who have nothing. One example that we’ve joined in is The Basket brigade.
  3. Focus on giving and seeing the joy on the faces of grandparents and family members and help your children come up with good examples of gifts if they can’t think of something themselves. Give them the gift of giving

BeBrave

Tell the truth and keep your promises

, , , , , 0

Truth

My theory about raising children include the importance of giving them tools that will help them lead fulfilling and independent lives. I also believe that the more empowering programming you can implement in your children early on the less time they will need to spend on re-scripting later in life. Although it usually is way more impactful to live my theories, than it is to try to raise my daughters into a behavior by talking about it, sometimes I believe it can be valuable to start implementing strategies and theories even if you don’t feel that you’re mastering it yourself just yet.

Your inner voice

For children and adults alike it is valuable to become aware of the beliefs  and often subconscious meaning that we color our lives with and that effect our actions. One way to help someone bring the internal dialogue into the light is to put a name on the “person” that does the talking inside your head. I’ve touched on this theory in terms of becoming friends with your fear.

Everyone has an inner voice that whispers the truths of the heart. To be able to hear this voice and then to grow the courage to follow it is paramount to live a life with integrity. For myself I’ve been practicing for years to hear that voice and to be brave enough to listen and to act accordingly. I’ve come to believe that this practice will be an integral part of my life that will never be “done” but more like a way of living. Even if I can’t say that I follow my truest desires or even always know what they are, yet, I still feel that it’s an idea worth introducing to my girls.

I’ve discovered two areas that are powerful in terms of discovering that you have an inner voice. The theories of these areas are simple so you can start with these even if you as a parent is not walking your talk just yet.

Telling the truth

The first area is telling the truth. You can measure the level of how you live your truth by how you feel about yourself when you’re alone. If you feel like you have nothing to hide, that the people closest to you know everything about you and still loves you, you can sleep without worry. Look for the non-egotistical version of pride and imagine how amazing it feels when you know you’re living according to your truest values.

Give the gift of living a life in truth to your children by staging situations where they will experience how good it can feel to tell the truth. Help them identify with someone who tells the truth and minimize the risk of them keeping things bottled up.

If you start when they’re small you can practice with relatively easy things and build trust and an open channel of communication. In the future you want your teenagers to tell you when things happen, you want to have a connection that ensures that they come to you with questions or situations they need to reason through with a trusted adult. If you have a shared history where it is safe to tell the truth to each other then it is far more likely that your child will continue to let you in as he/she grows older.

Keeping your promises

The other area is keeping your promises. Akin to telling the truth, the idea of keeping your promises is something that will greatly impact how you feel about yourself. There are two different kinds of promises you make, the ones you make to yourself and the ones you give to others.

The essential thing is that when you talk to others, or think something to yourself, your subconscious is listening. If you say something and then don’t act accordingly your subconscious will get confused; “We said something but we didn’t take action on it. We better protect ourselves from feeling stupid/confused or like we failed. Let’s make that thing we talked about into something “not important”. We would never NOT do something that’s important so let’s make sure we don’t waste time on that unimportant thing! Ever!” Your subconscious will definitely not assist you towards positive action, it might actually work against your higher goals.

These internal conflicts might not even be known to your conscious self. But having them will give you a physical reaction that will keep getting more intense for as long as you don’t adjust your course. If you have stomach-issues, difficulty to sleep, have tension in your body you might want to look inwards and see if your inner voice is telling you to do something that you’re not following through on or if you’re actually voicing something out loud to people that you’re not acting on.

Help your children to create an identity for themselves of someone who says what they mean and do what they say. By doing this you will have given them a behavior pattern that will help them lead a life based on their inner truths and to become someone that others know they can trust.

If you’re going on this journey as an adult

Treat yourself with extraordinary care during this process. If you’re not used to stopping and listening inwards it might be somewhat surprising and scary. Be gentle, be loving and be patient. That internal voice is yours and it will never say anything to hurt you. In fact, that voice, just like the voice of fear, is trying to get your attention so that you can live a fulfilling life.

Maybe you need to step back and look at the promises you give. Maybe it’s time to lower your ambition. I know that sounds insane! But it is MUCH more detrimental to your wellbeing and your progress to give high promises that you don’t follow through on.

While working on yourself you can still introduce these thoughts to your children.

Practicing with my daughters

I’ve been focusing on truth and honesty with my girls from an early age. There are so many opportunities to practice these skills during a day. Focus on the small truths and on the miniscule promises that are being stated and kept and shine your spotlight upon them so they become clear.

My youngest was once asked during dinner to put her plate into the dishwasher after she was done which she agreed to do. She was about 4 years old at the time. When she was done, about 2 minutes later (small kids have short concentration spans so help them by asking very close to the actual event), she put her plate in and I hugged her and told her how much I like that she’s the kind of girl that keeps her promises.

Another time one of my daughters told me about a situation where she lost her temper at a boy in her school. He accidentally broke her key chain and she snapped really harshly at him. She told me how she actually heard that inner voice tell her that she’d been too hard on him. He didn’t know how important that key chain was to her and she knew it wasn’t his intention to brake it. Her voice had made her go to him and apologize “almost against her will”. When she told me this story I hugged her fiercely and told her how proud I am of her, that she listened to her voice even when it didn’t feel so good in the moment.

Would it make a difference in your family?

What positive results do you think could happen in your family if your children were encouraged to listen to their inner voice and to make and keep promises? Would it be helpful to get some more inspiration and ideas on how to think and act as a parent to start to implement?

Actionable

  1. There are many situations during a normal family day that will come with the opportunity to practice. Head over to the Lifehacks page at MotherOfLions to get some ideas on how to implement and begin this journey.
  2. Practice often and please remember that it is SO VERY important to always give your children praise for telling the truth when they do. Start when they are small and the consequences are relatively small. Trust that you have instilled values in them so that they already know what the right thing is. When they come to confess is NOT the time to lecture!
    There will be times when you need to bite your tongue to keep from getting upset. There will never be a better time to prove the love and trust that you feel for your child. This is the time where you focus on expressing how grateful and proud you are that they told the truth. The harder the situation the greater the reward for keeping that focus on your connection.

BeBrave

To responsibly let yourself fall – vulnerability

, , , 0

Vulnerability

How can we continue to grow as parents? When growing means fear and not just not having everything under control but actually not having any answers whatsoever. How can we combine the role of teacher with the role of a human as a continuing work in progress? How can we manage our own personal development alongside that of our children’s?

There was a moment in my personal development journey where I realized that I am responsible for my emotions. Realized is not really the word. It HIT me! With force enough to like an earthquake forever change my mental landscape. The realization was huge and at first it felt incredibly liberating. All of a sudden I was in control. No one could make me feel anything I didn’t want to. I practiced and got better and better at choosing my actions, to exist in the space between what was happening in my world and my reaction to it. It felt empowering.

If you could decide how to feel – what would you choose?

I wanted to share this epiphany. I thought everyone would love it as much as I did. How could anyone not want to be immune to whatever life throws at you? To be strong enough to stay centered no matter what? It turned out this concept comes with an inevitable accompaniment; a huge dose of personal responsibility.

If you want to believe in the power to completely choose your reactions you have to accept responsibility for every thought and every interpretation that you actually make.

Not everyone wanted this responsibility. It seemed much easier to blame someone or something else for your negative emotions. It was much easier to stick to an old mindset than to look at the risk of having been wrong up to this point.

I had found a truth and I was thrilled about it

For myself I accepted this responsibility with fervor. I felt the truth and the actual benefits from this concept and I worked hard to question habits and beliefs that were not serving me. I left no subject within me unchallenged. I was proud of my growth and of my ability to question old thought patterns. Staying open to change was something I knew I needed to do and so I practiced my growth mindset by being relentless in the pursuit of negative emotions.

I used, and still use, strong negative feelings as clues to finding thought patterns that are disempowering and that needs to be challenged. Weeds that needs to be removed. One of the most effective signs you can investigate, to untangle your energy flow, is to follow the feelings of anger or even better of shame.

I sometimes wondered if it was my fixed mindset that kept me working so hard on challenging myself. Had I found a new concept that was more correct in the eyes of the world and therefore something I needed to ace? No, I decided that I had this one under control. I was pursuing this for the right reasons.

My fixed mindset got me again

It turns out my fear and my fixed mindset got me in another way. With the idea that I can choose how I respond to whatever life throws at me comes the inevitable question of actually succeeding at doing just that. I was getting better and better at managing my reactions and my focus. I practiced at work, with my girls (plenty of opportunities) and with friends and relatives.

When a colleague commented about my work I focused on the feedback and tried to be thankful for the nuggets of gold that could help me up my delivery. When my daughter dropped a glass container with pasta on the floor I managed to see it as an opportunity to teach her how the vacuum cleaner works.. When the shoelace to one of my sneakers broke as I was rushing to leave I just put “new shoelaces” on the shopping list, choose another pair of shoes and ran.

I was becoming decidedly good at staying centered even when life turned a little stormy.

You know how they say that complacency is the threat to all progress?

The second I let myself think that I was getting pretty deft at controlling my emotions was when I got into trouble. My fixed mindset roared awake, stormed in and demanded: “Getting good?? What?? Are you insane? Are you bragging? Do you know the risk of bragging? What if you FAIL? You can’t go around saying things and then failing! Now you better shape up and deliver – every time! Don’t you dare make us look stupid!”

Failing at managing my feelings about failing

So the pressure was on. You’d think this would be something negative in my life but it really wasn’t, for the most part. I pushed myself to succeed and that pushing kept me in learning mode. I dug deep and cleared a lot of emotional weeds from my garden.

But there was this one pattern that kept messing me up. The situations where I wasn’t staying true to my goals and the promises I made to myself. Apart from just not committing and staying true to my word I fell the hardest when I couldn’t manage my feelings about that. Let me clarify;

I was getting upset with myself for getting upset about not following through on things that I’d declared to be important.

Instead of focusing my energy on recommitting to my goals and getting back on the wagon I sat by the roadside and cried about having fallen of in the first place. Then I continued by kicking myself for sitting there crying and THEN continued crying about kicking myself when I was down..

Yeah. Effective. Right.

Risk of oversharing?

Hiding or ignoring or kicking myself over my negative emotions was not working for me. I kept pushing the feelings down which started to hurt me physically. I needed changes. I realized that I needed to get back on track with the commitments I make to myself – step up and be the person that says what she means and does what she says. I knew that I also needed to challenge the disempowering beliefs I had about experiencing negative emotions in the first place.

The thing that kept me from moving forward in this area was a belief about the alternative. I was convinced that the only alternative to “hiding my failure” was to let everything out. I don’t know if this is your experience also but whenever I have to let go of an old belief it feels sort of like I’m freefalling and I’m terrified of what will happen when I hit the ground.

Pendulum

I’ve come to understand that I’m not usually just freefalling though. There is something holding me, something that saves me from hurting myself too much. What normally happens is that I swing back and forth between extremes before eventually coming to land in my center.

 

I thought that the opposite of keeping things in was letting everything out.

The concept of spilling all my doubts, all my fears and let my feelings run wild was not a very comfortable one. Especially in front of my children. I just couldn’t see how it would be fair and right to put that on them. I still don’t. And I haven’t.

Finding my middle without swinging too far

It probably takes me longer to find my middle, my truth, because I refuse to share my challenges/fears with my daughters right from when I realize they exist. However my instinct tells me that my role as their safe haven, their captain, means that some things should not be shared with them. They are not old enough to be let in on my worst doubts and fears. They are children and although they need to learn about managing their own emotions and about accepting the learning process of trying-failing-trying again they still need to do so in a safe environment.

However the strategy of denying having true fears and doubts is not something I want to teach them. I want to show them what it looks like to ask for help. To not succeed but try again. To fall and get back up.

How can I ask them for help in a real and honest way? The kind of ask where they will feel the authentic need and value. How can I show them areas where I fall without the risk of activating their fear about not having a captain in control of the ship?

Vulnerability

My hunt for answers leads me towards vulnerability, acceptance and self-love.

Vulnerability is about loving someone for being where and who they are. Including myself. We’re all a work in progess. When I accept being in the process of learning, I can love myself even when I’m not yet where I want to be. I can feel compassion for myself when sadness, anger, fear or loneliness overwhelms me.

When I let myself feel these emotions, let them wash through me instead of fighting them and having them crash into me leaving me bruised and exhausted, I maintain my center, my core. When I let myself feel the sadness and don’t fight it I can stay in the moment and see it for what it is.

I’ve come across many sources of inspiration for this ever continuing journey towards self-love. There are people out there that can describe the process of vulnerability so exquisitely. I really recommend looking into their worlds. Let yourself be effected and changed.

Elizabeth Gilbert – Book: Big Magic
Brené Brown – Books: Daring greatly and Braving the Wilderness
Glennon Doyle – http://momastery.com

The power of sharing responsibly and living in vulnerability

I’m still learning to swing comfortably, making distinctions that provoke that pendulum to move again and again. I still have a hard time leaning into my fear and sharing things with my daughters and others that I haven’t figured out just yet. I’m learning.

There are a number of areas where life still kicks my butt now and again. Some issues I can manage with the help of adult companions. Some I understand that I need to do the work on myself. But there are some that I can count on my shipmates, my girls, to help me manage. When I responsibly ask them for help they always rise to the occasion with fierce love and loyalty. It really amazes me and warms my heart every time.

What would be something your children could do that would be a Real help?

  • Could they keep you company on your evening jog or walk? Maybe on their bikes?
  • Could they keep a vigilant eye on your grocery bag and your cupboards so no sugary things gets into the house?
  • Could they wrestle you down on the couch for a short massage when you come home so you get some love before continuing on with the evening?
  • Could they plan and prepare dinner one night of the week?
  • Could the big one take responsibility and babysit the other/-s once in a while?

What if there are things that your family could do for you that would be a win-win-win? Something that would genuinely help you, be beneficial to them in terms of learning how to ask for and to give help AND something that will strengthen your connection and feeling of belonging in your family?

BeBrave

Life happens – Planting flowers in your mental garden

, , , , 0

Planting flowers

Your mind could be likened to a garden. You can spend your time removing weeds or you can spend it planting beautiful flowers. If the weeds are a metaphor for beliefs, values and feelings that are not empowering you, and you have a lot of them, then you should spend some time on understanding them and clearing them out. But for the most part your focus is better aimed towards cultivating beautiful flowers.

I will argue that a life well lived is a life where you spend most of your time in beautiful states of mind. Finding or placing yourself in a state of for example love, gratitude, contribution, pride or belonging will trigger a physical response in your body that feels amazing. This goes back to raising the baseline of your happiness level.

What flowers do you want to plant?

The flowers in your garden can be of many sorts. If you’re a beginner at planting then pick the ones that are easiest to nurture; gratitude, curiosity and contribution are three that are easy to find and that will bring immediate energy and ambiance to your life.

Work yourself towards investing in flowers that require focused and deliberate practice such as love, compassion and faith. With time and some effort on caring for the possibly toughest plants to sprout; self-love, discipline and grit you will finally earn a garden that will fill your heart with feelings of pride and accomplishment.

The more space you claim for powerful flowers the less room there is for weeds to grow in the first place.

Playing mind games

The garden of the mind is clearly a metaphor. Have you noticed how much easier it is to understand and remember a new concept if the teacher finds good metaphors for likening the concept to things that you already understand? The more time you spend thinking of a concept, i.e. practicing that concept, the better and more efficient you will become in thinking it. Telling a story, which in the very construct is something the brain also loves, and using a metaphor will activate that practice skill in the brain and let you fertilize the soil so your flowers can grow strong and healthy root systems 😉

Life happens

I believe that life happens. To me that means that you can’t control everything that actually physically happens. The weather, death, accidents and sicknesses are part of life. Layoffs, politics and the impact in your life that comes from other people’s fears are also facts that mostly aren’t efficient to spend too much time trying to mitigate. Life happens and the best thing we can do is manage how we deal with it when it does.

When we spend time practicing the good feelings we build ourselves up. We build a level of resistance that inoculate us from falling into darkness when and if life throws a curve ball our way. When we practice gratitude and love, discipline that leads to a sense of pride, self-love and compassion we are more likely to come back to those feelings even if we falter for a short while.

Enroll your brain to camp

So how can you ensure you have a mind full of beautiful strong and resilient flowers? You start practicing. Practicing and repeating again and again so your brain and your subconscious gets the message loud and clear. You bring your focus back to the feelings and thoughts you want to promote and live in every time you feel you’re drifting.

This conscious practice is why coaches instruct their clients to create empowering mantras and vision boards. You want to practice as often as possible. Daily at least.

Your brain stores information according to your senses; visual, audio, feelings (physical and emotional), smell and taste. The more senses you can get involved in the feelings you’re working into your life the more deeply they will stick.

Create triggers in your daily routine

Many successful people have routines built into their days that include getting up early in the morning and focusing on themselves and their goals in life. I apply this theory partly in my morning routine. I begin most of my mornings on my stationary bicycle waking my system up. While I’m there I focus on two things; everything and everyone I’m grateful for and my goals and dreams for the future. Nowadays I don’t have to be guided through the mental exercises, now I know exactly where to go mentally.

Another thing we do in our family is that we use our wall space for visual triggers for positive emotions. In my bedroom I have a large photo of a warm sun and the text “Step up!” as a reminder of the incantation “I am the Voice” – shout out to my Date with Destiny peeps!

In our living room I’ve drawn Thank you in 40 centimetre letters and laid out pens so that, we in the family, as well as our guests can write things that we are grateful for on the wall.

When my daughter turned 9 I wrote a message by her bed to remind her of everything she is. Translated it says; “I have everything I need within me. Love, courage, laughter, the ability to ask for help, compassion, imagination, gratitude, faith, curiosity, determination, power”

Emelie wall

There have been many evenings when I’ve been lying next to her before she falls asleep when we’ve told each other about situations from the day that relates to each word.

Another strong and valuable trick is to keep filling your head with positive and motivating sounds. Keep searching for inspiring talks on www.ted.com or on Youtube; I can recommend Your world within  or Mateuszm . Keep pouring good things in – they will activate that pattern recognition and help rebuild your brain.

Enjoy your garden

Like any gardener you should reap the rewards from your hard work. Remember to stop and smell those metaphorical roses now and then!

Stop and really let the feelings in. Snuggle your nose into your child’s neck, kiss her forehead. Sit next to her and if she’ll still let you then pull her close and wrap your arm around her whenever possible. Enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, the starlit sky, the amazing play of sunlight on the autumn leaves. If you look for it you will see lovers holding hands, parents lovingly and with inhuman patience help their kids with small and big things, dog owners caring for their four legged babies and people being helpful to other people.

Give yourself a whole lot of praise and love when you show up, do the work and follow through on the things you’ve committed to. Be good to yourself and find reasons to celebrate often. Lean into life. Share your happiness with the world. Be a force for good!

BeBrave

Choose connection. Your brain give meaning to facts

, , , 0

Choose connection

The level of quality you experience in your life is equal to the quality of the feelings you experience. If you’ve followed my blog you know that I believe that the meaning of life is to enjoy this human experience and using your focus will really impact how you feel about being a human. Your brain give meaning to facts and situations in your life.

Let me share a typical situation from my everyday life:

It’s a weekday around five o’clock. I step in the door to our apartment. I put the grocery bag and my back-pack, with my very non-portable computer, down on the floor. My mind busy with thoughts of what to cook for dinner, the clothes in the washing machine that needs hanging, plans for the evening – to get homework and chores done, reminding myself to return the missed phone call from my sister when I get the time. My thoughts stubbornly wandering back to a disagreement from earlier today – could I have said something different, why did the things he said get to me like that?

I see the garbage bag sitting on the floor by the door where I left it this morning, the unpacked gym bag that I know contains a wet towel, I glance into the kitchen and see the table with pieces of paper, scissors and glue stick strewn over it. The floor glittering in a yellow tint.

I hear a Youtuber-feed from behind a closed door to one daughter’s room and a shout from the other “Is that you mum!?”

My world is full of facts – My brain gives them meaning

The situation above, or very similar ones, are ones that I’ve lived through many many times. I’ve had the opportunity to try different approaches to managing them with very different results. Let me give you two examples from my life. Maybe you’ll get a feeling for the results by just reading about them. Maybe you can relate to these scenarios and the impact it will have on the connection you have with your children.

So the situation above is the same in these two scenarios.

Scenario 1 – “I have the RIGHT to get cooperation and help!”

My thoughts fall into a routine that I’ve been running enough times to become really efficient with it. “Haven’t I taught them better than this? She should know how her towel is going to stink if she doesn’t hang it up to dry when she gets home. Euw that garbage is going to start to smell bad! Is it too much to ask that they take some initiative – do I have to do everything? I’m SO tired.. can’t they see that just because you’re tired you can’t just give in to the lust to chill and do nothing.”

I call to my daughter “Yes it’s me! Hey you haven’t unpacked your gym bag!”

Then I walk into the kitchen and start unpacking the food and getting everything into the pantry and fridge. I set a pan on the stove to bring water for spaghetti to the boil, place some meatballs from the freezer on defrost in the micro and start cutting vegetables.

My daughter comes into the kitchen with a present for me. She’s created a painting with the words “Worlds best mother”, set it into a frame filled with yellow glitter and wrapped it into a gift. I somewhat reluctantly set the vegetable knife down to open her gift, thank her for the beautiful gift and then tell her to please take care of the mess on the kitchen table because dinner’s ready soon. She complies, cleans the table and quietly go into her room and closes her door.

Dinner is ready, I’ve set the table and lit some candles to make it cozy. I shout to my daughters to tell them “Dinner time!”. My Youtube-daughter doesn’t respond and I angrily call her again. I think “Does she have to be so into that blogger?! Why can’t she be a little more interested to help out at home more and why does she isolate herself in her room so often?”

My other daughter is not responding at all and when I go to find her she’s up in her bunk bed watching a series on the IPad. “I just wanna finish this episode, I’ll be there soon”.

So I go into the kitchen and sit myself down. For every 20 seconds that passes without my kids joining me I get more and more irritated – “What kind of family are we? We can’t even eat dinner together?! Why don’t they appreciate my efforts? Why can’t they take responsibility for contributing to this family and our time together”.

When my eldest (Youtube watching) girl comes into the kitchen sits down and drops the comment that “oh we had meatballs for lunch in school today” I just snap “How was I supposed to know – I really can’t keep everything in my head”.

Calling to my youngest that “Dinner is getting cold, get here!”

I’ve forgotten to lay out knives and forks and when one of my girls gets some for herself and not for her sister a fight starts. Angry voices and irritated body languages, that look that says “you suck!” with all the clarity in the world. “Why couldn’t she get some for me while she was on her feet?!”, “Why do you have to get so angry with me?!”, “I wasn’t angry” ….

We eat our food quickly and mostly silently. My nerves are rattled by the rapid chewing.. “does she have to eat so fast, she can’t possibly taste the food. She’s not going to listen to her own body in terms of feeling full. What kinda bad parent am I who hasn’t been able to create an environment where eating together is something cozy, safe and something that builds connection?”

When we’re done I ask who’s responsible for taking out the trash this week with the intention to remind whoever it is and one of the girls says “I was going to do it after dinner, don’t nag me!”

I’m left at the table with a sinking feeling of being alone, unappreciated and not being enough.

Time from entering the apartment to having had dinner: 50 minutes
Level of energy: 3/10
Level of life satisfaction: 2/10

Scenario 2 – “I’ve missed my little monsters today!”

I step out of my shoes drop my jacket on the floor and shout back to my girl that “NOOOO, it’s not mum, it’s the Cuddling police and you’re going to be arrested for not showering your mum with hugs and kisses when she walks in the door! I’m coming to get you!”

I hear a yell of glee from her room when she throws herself up into her bed to get away from me. I run into her room and climb into her bunk bed, pretend not to see her under the cover, laying down on top of her to get “some nice rest”. When she squeals I untangle her and attack her with tickling and kisses. We laugh and eventually settle down. I ask about her day. She lights up and tells me she’s made me a gift!

I unwrap the painting and I thank her and ask her about it. “Did it take long, what gave her the idea, did she have fun?” She tells me she tried twice before she got it exactly the way she wanted it and that she chose yellow glitter since she knows how it’s my favorite color.

I hug her and tell her how grateful I am to be her mum and that I love to watch her create stuff.

I ask if she’s hungry and if she would like to come help out in the kitchen and keep me company and tell me more about today. She follows me into the kitchen and I say; “Ah, I can see you were creating your painting in here. Is the table here better than the one in your room?” She says yes and I tell her that I understand that, that I feel that way too. Then I ask her if she can help clear and set the table which she agrees to.

I kiss her head and tell her I’ll be right there with her.

I go knock on my Youtube-watching girl’s door and wait for the “come in”. She’s sitting in her bed writing something on her phone. I sit down next to her, kiss her on the neck and ask her how she’s doing. She hugs me and tells me she’s writing a list of things that she wants to experience in her life. She got the idea from a Youtuber and she wanted to create her own “bucket list”. I say “Wow how cool! What a great idea! Do you want to share some of your items over dinner?”

We walk into the kitchen and I ask the big one to unpack the groceries while she tells us about the idea about the bucket list and I start with dinner. I give the younger one a cutting board, a knife and some vegetables so she can sit at the table and start cutting. We talk about the possibility of each having a list and about having a shared one for the family. We start dreaming and planning for how we can combine each other’s items and experience these things together.

I ask if they think we should have lit candles for our dinner and they get some candles out and divide them up between themselves so they both get to use the matches to light them.

We have dinner and the conversation turns from long term bucket list goals to how our days have been. We finish the meal together. Afterwards I ask them if they’re done with their chores which reminds my eldest to go take out the garbage.

Time from entering the apartment to having had dinner: 50 minutes
Level of energy: 7/10
Level of life satisfaction: 8/10

Ask from a “Yes” – Connection is actually the quicker way

The primary difference between these two scenarios is not in the time spent or saved. I believe the big difference lies in the amount of energy you get/loose and in the quality of your feelings. However I will still argue that you will actually save time as well. Think of the time you spend on nagging or managing fights today. I bet you could reduce that by at least 50% by focusing on improving you connection.

A good and reliable proof that you’re connecting is when you hear affirmative answers/comments from your child. Writer, therapist and teacher Susan Stiffelman describes the theory of Asking from a yes. She talks about using this theory not as manipulation but as a focus that will promote connection instead of efficiency.

When you focus on the connection between you and your children you will realize that they want to help, they want to participate and be an important part of your family. They want to spend time with you. If you work on your connection you will be able to influence your children towards cooperation and taking initiative for contributing to the family that is as much their safe haven as it is yours.

Action for today

So what can you do today to learn about yourself and the connection between focus and feelings? Primarily just stay curious and play the game of – “What else could this mean?” Whenever you find yourself in a negative feeling today take a mental step back. Look at the situation and see what other focus and meaning you can find. When you find a different meaning then pay attention to how your feelings change. I also recommend you to write your observations down in a journal.

BeBrave

Family routines and chores. Who’s doing what and are you happy about it?

, , , 0

Fighting

Who is doing what in your family? Do you and your co-parenting partner/-s have recurrent arguments on this topic or is the division of responsibilities clear?

Getting things done and making sure the everyday engine runs smoothly is an interesting aspect of family life. As I’m a recovering efficiency addict – I have some experience on the topic. The father of my children and I separated in 2013. There were a number of reasons for our separation but I believe one was that we didn’t appreciate each other enough.

When we separated it was never a question of how we would divide the responsibility and “rights to” our daughters. We have split custody in a 50%-50% way. Linnea and Emelie live with me every other week and with their father every other week. As I moved out of our shared apartment into my own we had to create new routines to make things work. All of a sudden I was solely responsible for the entirety of a family. Every decision, every action, every aspect.. I realized the hard way that there were MANY things I had underestimated in terms of effort and therefore had seriously undervalued.

There are so many things you don’t think of

Over the complete timeframe of a year you get into contact with all the “basic” chores/actions that exist in your family. If you limit it to a week you miss out on some chores that comes around maybe once/twice a year.. wow did I realize this when the time came for managing the first birthday party, preparing the bicycles in the spring, fixing the drain, planning the vacation, thinking of Christmas gifts.. the list goes on and on!

A legendary relationship needs nurturing in many more ways than “just” appreciating each other for managing the everyday “chores” in the family. (The dynamics of true love need its own series of blog posts..) Dividing and agreeing on the basics and the musts in your family is nonetheless a really central component! Each individual item on the list might seem relatively insignificant in terms of its impact on family happiness. But considering the sheer volume and pervasiveness of these musts in your daily life you will benefit greatly if you manage this area well.

What difference would it make in your family if you stopped arguing over who does what? Would it be valuable to your relationships to appreciate the actions of others more? What if there was a way to voice that appreciation easily and with unforced conviction?

Here are some steps that could assist you:

  1. Understand each other
    Define the total list of chores together. You can do this in a couple of ways. One way, that is relatively easy, is to make individual lists of all the things you feel that you are responsible for. Make the lists and then merge them to a common list and tell each other about each task. Another way, that could actually also contributes to a closer connection between the two of you, is that you each start with a list of the things you appreciate that the other person is doing. Merge the lists and finalize it with everything that you can think of in terms of responsibilities/chores in your family.
    Note down who is responsible for each task and define it in terms of effort and frequency.
  2. Understand the tasks
    Understanding is the prerequisite for appreciating and understanding comes from doing. The beginner level of getting this understanding would be to switch responsibilities for a given timeframe in your home. However, the fastest and really integrated learning will come if you add some pressure to the situation. Try faking a divorce/separation for a given timeframe and take turns with shouldering the complete responsibility for the family. I’m not suggesting one of you move out of the house while running this experiment BUT if the one who’s not in charge can’t keep his/her mouth shut about HOW things are done while the other partner is learning the lessons then maybe that is something to actually consider. Consider it as a fun experiment and be sure to have a continuous and strong connection during this period. It’s not a trial separation, it’s a learning experience!
  3. Make adjustments
    Now you have a new understanding for the chores and for each other. You realize what the effort would be for You to manage everything and you know what the perceived effort is for your partner to manage the chores appointed to him/her. Communicate and make adjustments to the division of responsibility and frequency so that you will have the optimal conditions for energy and ease in your family.

Tips! When doing this exercise it’s good to consider some things:

  • Be really respectful and considerate in this exercise. Especially if you have a history of fighting about this or are in a situation where your communication level is low.
  • Be open! Keep all chores on the list until step 3 so you get to understand the actual effort as well as understanding your partner. But when you consider Step 3 then seriously consider each chore! Is this individual chore something that OUR family really need according to this definition and frequency? “Basic chores” are different in every family!For instance some families will change the linen in the beds every week.. I do it maximum on a monthly basis.. J In some families it’s a must to have a home baked cake for birthday parties, in my family the chocolate cake from the local grocery freezer is the BEST!
  • Divide the chores in Step 3 based on interest/ease to the individual. If it’s a relatively low effort activity for you to vacuum the house then volunteer for that chore. Maybe you can get away from having to take out the trash that is a high effort chore for you? The whole family will benefit from everyone retaining as high levels of energy as possible.

Be honest about how you perceive the effort of your tasks and respect that it is an individual feeling that you might not always agree on.

Respect and trust each other

Okay so now you’ve structured your list and divided the responsibilities and you have a new understanding of all the chores/musts that make up the cornerstone of your family life. Now is the time for a BIG FAT WARNING! It would be very easy to use that list as an agreement and to start expecting things of each other.

“You are responsible for buying the gift for the party this weekend, have you done it yet?!”, “The floor in the living room needs vacuuming, when will you do it?”

I believe it is important to talk this through very consciously. It should be an agreement that you can trust – otherwise the person that is not responsible for the chore won’t be able to completely relax the responsibility for it. But if you start using the list as a basis for setting your partner up… well then you’re soon in for that divorce anyways ;p

Finally; If you take just one thing from this post then please realize that the way you divide the chores and the agreement between you is just a START. A common starting point for making things easier and providing more energy to your family. In the end you really need to make each other feel needed and significant. Even if you’ve agreed on the responsibilities please don’t forget to nurture your relationship on a daily basis!

Simple appreciation and gratitude are underestimated and forceful tools for creating and maintaining that family connection and love.
It’s been said before but it’s worth saying again!

 

Threats, punishments and bribery

, , , , 0

Threats, punishments and bribery

I can be very convincing and persuasive, make my point and argue with conviction for my ideas. Coming from a background of a fixed mindset this was an inevitable skill I needed to master to make sure I came out of every argument “on top”, being right, having all the answers… (*sigh*). Having kids was part of what eventually made the cracks in my mindset large enough to let the light of growth and tolerance to begin to seep in. If by nothing else then by the sheer volume of situations where I finally just had to admit that the way I was acting or thinking was NOT working and that I needed to change.

Before I had kids I had a dog, a beautiful huge Giant Schnauzer (Riesen), named Gimli 🙂
I learnt the importance of an assertive and dominant leadership style, to ensure that my instructions were always clear and consistent and most importantly to make sure that my commands were respected. A fellow dog-loving friend told me “Think before giving a command! if you’re in your new beautiful shoes and your dog is in the mud field doing something you would rather he didn’t – then decide if you really want to shout “no” to him, because if he doesn’t stop you HAVE to follow up with going out there!” I learnt a lot about impulse control, consistency and alpha leadership from Gimli.

Threats, punishment and bribery

Sometimes the clear, assertive and serious attitude is hard to find…  Gimli wanted to help with the painting.  #Family Fun?

A CHILD IS LIKE A DOG – RIGHT?

When my kids came along I thought that raising them would be pretty much the same in theory as being the alpha for a dog. Be clear, consistent and follow through with consequences if not respected. I don’t know if you’ve tried the dictator leadership style with your kids.. it sure wasn’t working for me. I spent a lot of my time and energy on endless conflicts, trying to tell myself that this was just a phase and that they would grow out of this rebellious behavior. I used to say, only partly joking, that the three pillars of parenting were “threats, punishments and bribery”. This belief was one that I finally had to admit was not just flawed but actually completely inappropriate and destructive.

A child is not an inferior creature that you need to guard and put into place. A child need to know the rules that apply in interacting with other people, so yes you need to be clear, but they need to understand the rules and the reasoning behind them to be able to become questioning and self-reliant adults. It is also important that a child realizes and gets to experience the consequences that comes from choosing to act in a certain way. And consistency is important, the rules and consequences we’ve agreed upon should apply the way they do with everyone else they will encounter in life. But a child needs to be able to question rules, to choose their actions (and decide to suffer the consequences) and to test their limits and abilities to grow.

BEING A  PARENT IS ABOUT GETTING THINGS DONE

Besides the Alpha leadership idea I held another messed up belief that I think was primarily what pushed me towards the threats, punishments and bribery mindset with my kids. I believed that my life needed to be efficient!  I ran my family as if there was a diploma on the line. We needed to get things done! A lot of things! And that meant we didn’t have time for managing conflicts or individual desires. This also meant that there was very little time for letting my kids learn to do things for themselves. I dressed them, I washed them, I brushed their teeth and hair, I cooked all meals, I cleaned the house, I cleaned their room… We needed to be efficient. Get things done. And so the short term solution was to threat or bribe my kids into just doing what they were told. No surprise… I was a very tired mom.

The thing is that I have actually always also believed that one of my jobs as a parent is to teach them to be self-reliant and to be able to take care of themselves. I was feeling increasingly stressed about when I would get enough time and energy to get to that teaching. As if teaching was something isolated from our everyday life.

I’ve come to accept that the teaching I do is primary through the way I live my life and that the lessons are there every day in our interactions with each other and with the people and circumstances that life put in our way.

BEING EFFICIENT vs LIVING YOUR #Family Purpose

Have you considered what your job as a parent is? Your answer will be unique in detail to you and your background. Are you running to be efficient or are you effective in making progress towards something important in the long run and enjoying your life?

Threats, punishments and bribery are not strategies that will contribute to #Family Connection and probably not to any of your long term goals. If you want more information to be convinced I can recommend reading the book Kids are worth it! by Barbara Coloroso.

But if you, like me, have been using these strategies you can actually get good use and golden nuggets out of them even as you work towards eliminating them from your life. You can use the situations where you tend to stumble into these strategies as beacons for finding situations to change. Often one or two changes that are of core importance is all it takes to make a huge difference.

TAKE ACTION – Get a piece of paper and write down the answers to these questions:

  1. In what situations during a normal day do we get into conflicts where I start using threats of punishments to get my way?

  2. What is the real reason that my child is digging his/her heals down in that situation?

  3. What do I want to happen?

  4. What can I do differently to still achieve what I want but without losing our warm connection?

BE PATIENT AND OPEN

Be kind to yourself while working to change. And be patient. It takes time for your child to trust the change you’re trying to implement. He/she will test you several times to verify your resolve and commitment.

I had a continuous fight with one of my daughters about getting out of bed in the mornings. She was always tired and in a bad mood.

We talked about it after dinner one night and I asked her if she could think of a way that I could wake her so that she would wake up happier. She knew exactly what she wanted; “I want you to attack me and tickle me with kisses!”  I thought “Yeah right! She will bite my head of for rudely wakening her!” but she actually loved it! Sure, she was a bit chocked at first but almost immediately she realized what was going on and was both laughing and cuddling me. 

Stay true to your needs. Listen to your child. Find ways that works for the both of you!

BeBrave