#Family Connection

Win the family morning to win your day – Morning routines

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Morning routines

There is a lot of advice online about creating successful morning routines. The theory is that if you have a good morning you get momentum that will carry through the entire day. Generally the advice include time for meditation, journaling on gratitude, goalsetting and physical workouts. The term “win the morning to win your day” is everywhere. What does winning a morning look like with kids?

Zoom into a busy family morning: Dad is cleaning the kitchen after breakfast as well as loudly reminding the kids to pack their gym bags for school. Mom’s rummaging around looking for the charger to the computer, hollering that “the car will be leaving in 5 minutes so everyone better get dressed”. Kids getting caught up in brushing teeth and hair as well as all having to go to the bathroom at the same exact moment. Was it today the kids needed an extra change of clothes to school? Who is going to go to the dentist appointment with the youngest? Where is the homework that needs to be handed in today? “Why aren’t any of the trousers I can actually wear clean?”

I used to spend my mornings in some version of that chaos. I felt I was always a step behind, stressed and overwhelmed and wondered if this was it?

We were far from the connection and feeling of cooperation I’d envisioned for my family. I’d get into constant battles with my girls and we’d leave for work and school in a bad mood towards each other. I’d spend the whole commute to work feeling guilty and regretting all the nagging. Worrying that they’d be feeling sad or unloved. “Will they be able to focus on school today?” “Why can’t they just get going in the mornings?”

There must be a better way

I sat there, once again exhausted and frustrated, on the subway and I noticed a mother with her two kids sitting across from me. One child on her lap nibbling a sandwich. The other sitting next to her, watching the people around them, asking her mom about this and that. They were talking and laughing, being present and enjoying each other’s company.

I thought; “Awe, I wish we could start our mornings with that feeling!” and then I got really curious. What had they been doing before now to get into the calm and happy mood they were in? What would have to be different in our morning routine to get into that state? How much better wouldn’t our lives be if we could make it work? Would my daughters be willing to make the changes needed?

Make it a family decision

I was pretty sure my girls would be as excited about not hearing me nag them as I was about not having to do it. But what changes would make it possible? I decided to ask them.

I tried to paint a picture that would inspire them. “Imagine having a morning without nagging or stress, a morning where we have time to laugh and can sit and eat our breakfast together. I would so love to have time to give you a huge hug when I leave you off at school. Wouldn’t it be nice to leave for school in the morning without feeling angry? What if we could walk to school without worrying about being late? Maybe even stop by the park and see how far you could balance on the rail every morning?”

They were on!

We talked about what we needed to do to make it work.

I had prepared some questions;

  1. What would make you wake up in a good mood?
  2. How could you make sure you get ready in the morning, dressed, with brushed teeth and your bag packed, without me reminding you even once?
  3. What do you think could happen that would make either of us upset in the morning and how ca we make sure that doesn’t happen?

Listen to everyone’s perspective

Children have an enormous imagination and the solutions are sometimes completely unexpected. My youngest wanted me to jump into her bed and start tickling her in the mornings which actually worked amazingly well 🙂

My eldest wanted us to buy her an alarm clock so she could decide when she would get up.

I was surprised by how well they both could predict which situations would risk tripping us and by how responsible they were in proposing solutions to them. “Mom, I know you get angry when I take too long choosing my clothes. Maybe I can choose them the night before so I already know what to wear in the morning”?” or “I’m sometimes sleepy in the morning and don’t want to talk to anyone. Can you not talk to me if I say that I’m tired?” or “I sometimes forget the time because I start doing something fun – could you help remind me but with a happy voice mom? Could you just say “Emelie, teeth””

I had to set some rules or parameters for situations that, as children, they didn’t have experience of yet. Like a what time we needed to be out the door to make it to school in time or recommending they pack the school bag the night before to make sure nothing was missing that we’d have to search for.

I’ve heard of families who implemented the use of a timer to get reminders without the parent having to say anything. They asked the children how long they thought they needed to get dressed and set the alarm. If it went off before they were ready then they’d change the time the next morning. With time they learnt approximately much time was needed for different actions.

Setting a morning routine

We’ve worked out a routine that gives us a chance to connect and to start our day without stress. Today I still make them breakfast and we eat together most mornings. I walk them to school and we get a chance to talk and hug good bye without stress. As our schedules change and they take on even more responsibility for their own morning routines, to win their days, our routine will also evolve.

If you want to implement a family morning routine maybe these steps can be helpful:

  • Start by defining the dream scenario from your adult perspective. And be honest about how you walk your own talk. For instance; at what time do you have to go to bed to be able to wake up happy?
  • Define the prerequisites from a logistical view. At what time do you have to leave the house to make it to school, how long does brushing teeth or other basic actions, that you believe are non-negotiable, take?
  • Let the children participate in forming a vision and a plan for your mornings. Let them define risks and how to handle them.
  • Implement and evolve as you go along. Help each other remember to not fall into old patterns and be consistent and refer back to what you’ve agreed on.

Notice the difference and celebrate your new routines when you see them working. Brag to each other about the changes you’ve made in your family. Reminisce about how it used to be and congratulate yourselves on how far you’ve come together.

BeBrave

Join in the play and enjoy your children’s vivid imagination

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Imagination

Have you noticed how easy it is to get a child hooked in a good story? Go to the theater or the cinema and observe your kids when they’re watching the show. You can tell that they are no longer in the room with you, they are deep into the story. Living the adventure, relating to the characters. You can get the same reaction from reading a book together. Use your voice to give life to the characters and read it with focus and eagerness and you’ll draw them in for sure.

What stories are part of your world?

Stories have been a part of the human development since long before reading and writing was invented. Stories capture the imagination and helps memory. We use stories to portray heroes, pass on life lessons and exemplify desirable values and beliefs.

I’ve been a fan of Fantasy and Science Fiction for as long as I can remember. It started with Astrid Lindgren and Disney and developed into Tolkien, Eddings, George Lucas, Salvatore, Jordan and many many more. Through the years I’ve gotten some comments on my choice of literature. Some seem to think Fantasy is for children, that when you grow up you should grow out of imagining things and move over to proper genres.

Thankfully the Fantasy/Sci-Fi movement has won ground in the recent years and nowadays you can find a good story in any bookstore. Fantasy prepares your brain for thinking outside of given parameters. It lets your imagination run free. You get to explore what a society would look like and how people would act under completely different circumstances. What would happen if you could live for a thousand years? How would you manage equality in a world where some are born with abilities to fly, read minds or conjure things out of thin air? What would the world look like if animals could talk?

Children are experts at imagination

When a child is consumed in play she/he’s probably a long way into an imaginary world. When she/he’s playing it’s usually done out loud – try sneaking up without being noticed and listen. It’s amazing the stories and imagination that comes alive.

The cars and trucks are racing for victory and the building blocks are huge boulders that giants have thrown down to try and stop the race. Just when the last curve is coming up an evil transformer appears and tries to stop the hero with a blast from his huge disintegration weapons. As the car is falling apart the hero has to make a daring jump and escapes just in time.

 

The pet shop cats are huge lions running for life trying to get away from the evil witch who want to steal their ability to roar and use it in one of her magic potions. They find shelter within a cave (under a blanket draped over the small table in the playroom) and exhausted fall down to rest hoping that the witch won’t find their trail. The lions were too tired to notice the small footprints in the cave… who lives in this cave?

Imagination

Children get consumed by their play and their imagination aren’t limited by stupid adult constraints, reason or logic. Flying dolphins, why not?

It’s good to remember that when you interrupt a game, like for dinner or having to go somewhere, you’re actually disturbing the imaginary world that’s been created. Your child might be a long way away from the actual reality going on. Relating to the characters and feeling deeply for their salvation and well being. Getting a child, with a vivid imagination out of play takes some thoughtfulness.

Join in the play but don’t disrupt or bring adult “logic” to the game

Joining in when your child is playing can be extremely rewarding and strengthen your connection. Remember not to take over the storyline, your imagination will never rival theirs 😉 In fact, if you try to add to the narrative you’ll probably only distance yourself from the child. Let her lead the way. Just participate according to your designated role and ask questions – What happens now? What does she say then? How is she going to act next? Your child will prompt you.

Play along and marvel at the world that’s created. Ask how things look, what sounds are there and how the characters are feeling. If you do it right, commit to the imagination, your child might not consciously notice you’re there. You’re now part of the story, another character come even more alive. But when the time comes for taking a break you will have a much easier time convincing and persuading her to join you in the real world.

But I’ve not practiced my imagination for years!

If you haven’t used your imagination for a long time it might feel a bit awkward at first. The goal is to spend some time being part of your child’s world and to connect, not to rate you on your imagination. Keep asking questions or just play along quietly until you’re invited to participate more actively.

Remember the characters that you were inspired and touched by when you were growing up. The presence, values and qualities they embodied.

I’ve been influenced by female and male characters growing up. Captivated by stories of bravery, adventure and magic. I’ve shared my world with Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Ronia the Robbers daughter, Aviendha, Egwene, Arwen, Strider, Sparhawk, Drizzt Do’Urden and many more.

Join in the play and rejoice in having a moment of fun with your children! It’s what life is for – enjoying it – and kids do it SO well.

BeBrave

Self love – It’s a parents job to love and let go

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Teach self love

It’s hard to find a feeling more overwhelming than the love I feel for my children. The picture was taken when my daughter was about twelve months old and it reminds me of the role I believe I have as a mother. It’s my job to love my girls and to let go of them. To provide a safe haven that they can always count on and return to. I know that my love for them is always going to be more of my focus than their love for me will be for them. They are, and should be, busy going after life. Experiencing, epic failing, learning and adjusting. Having fun. Loving.

Loving her teaches her she’s worthy of love

I’ve listed my values and beliefs concerning my parenting on the MotherOfLions webpage; https://motheroflions.com/aboutcaution/ One of them states that “Children are born perfect and deserve love for who they are”. Children come to us perfect, innocent, present, joyful and it’s our job not to mess them up, not to dim their light.

As a parent I have an enormous opportunity to influence this new little human. By giving her my full attention, when she needs it, I teach her how worthy she is. When I express joy and pleasure for spending time with her I show how she has the influence to affect others positively. By me actively searching her out and asking for her company she feels she’s important.

The more I love her for just being her the more she opens up to me. I try to make it a habit to look into her eyes every morning and every night and tell her “I love you”. Sometimes she’s in a tired morning pre-teen kind of mood or in a busy don’t interrupt me kind of mood and just brushes it off. I believe it still seeps in. And sometimes she looks me right back in my eyes and tells me “I love you too mom”. You know.. with that presence and open honesty that completely floors me.

Your role as her parent is important

You can usually tell if a person was loved by her parents, when she was little, by how she shows up in the world. If you can provide a safe home where she feels loved and that she belongs you’ll have given her the baseline truth that she’s worthy of those feelings. She will expect it from life and what she looks for she will find. If she stays open and curious and keep expecting good things to come her way she’ll have an attitude towards people that is both disarming and magnetic.

But her understanding of the power of self love is more important

There is a video on Youtube called “Jessica’s Daily Affirmation”.  It shows a girl, approx. 5 years old, standing in front of her mirror stating everything she’s happy for and everything she likes. She likes her elephant and her dad (at least twice 🙂 ) and her sister and her hair and her pajamas 😀

I wish I could have given my daughters that idea when they were even younger and not already starting to care too much about what people think. I asked my daughter the other day if she’d ever stood in front of the mirror and told herself that she loves herself. She sort of balked at the idea. “No, that would feel a bit like bragging”. I’ve clearly got some work to do!

My plan is to keep depositing love into her emotional bank account (ref. Steven Covey) but also to try to figure out a way to explain to her, in a way that a 9-year old can relate to, how important it is to love oneself.

When she fills her own cup first she will have a continuous overflow of love to keep pouring on to others. If she loves herself she will treat others with even more compassion. If she doesn’t focus on loving herself first there won’t be enough of her for the rest of us – a very selfish way to handle her life 😉

My daughter is a complete love bug so my guess is those arguments will get her to at least consider practicing more self love.

Walk your talk – showing what self love looks like

Now read this post one more time – this time exchange all places that refer to a daughter with a reference to yourself. If you cannot show her what true self love looks like no amount of teaching or preaching will do it for her. You must do the work of looking inwards and finding what, if anything, is stopping you from loving yourself. Be courageous for yourself and your children and start a practice of looking yourself in the eyes, most easily done I a mirror ( 😉 ), morning and night and tell yourself that you love you.

If you want to take it to master class level then goolge “Mirror exercise” by Lisa Nichols. It’s a simple but very powerful exercise that feels SO WEIRD the first couple of times you do it. I highly recommend it 😀

BeBrave

Forgiving – It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills

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Venom

Life happens

I believe that we can’t completely protect ourselves from hurt. Life happens. Big things happen that are out of our control, people we love get sick, accidents occur, death and taxes – life happens. Apart from those big ones there are innumerable occasions where we’re in contact with other people and risk being hurt. Communication is tricky and misunderstandings are inevitable. So how can you approach this capricious dance called life?

One key could be to consider the old saying “It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills”. What does that really mean? To me it means that if I hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise, it’s not the actual incident that is the biggest concern for our relationship. It’s the period after the incident and how you and that person deals with the aftermath of it that’s the real challenge. If the incident isn’t managed well the person that got hurt will have a mental venom coursing through their head which will slowly erode your relationship.

The same goes for a situation where I’m the one that’s been hurt. The bite itself won’t continue to hurt me, the incident is over, it’s the thoughts and feelings relived afterwards that will continue to cause me pain if I let it.

Managing to extract the venom after there’s been a bite requires effort – it’s called forgiving.

Apologizing is a first step

Apologizing is sometimes really difficult. You didn’t mean to cause hurt and it can feel unfair to have to apologize just because someone misunderstood your intention. It’s important to learn the skill of apologizing as a first step towards forgiveness.

Forgiving has a complex role in a life well lived. Really letting go of hurt is important. Sometimes you are the one that can deliver that gift to someone else and sometimes you have to give that gift to yourself.

Forgiving someone that hurt you

When something has happened that have left you feeling hurt you have that venom coursing through you. Even if you fully accept that what you need to do, to feel better, is to forgive it’s sometimes not all that easy to do. Even when the one that hurt you is sincerely apologizing it might still feel painful and sad inside. This is a tricky situation that requires some internal digging and honesty on your part.

First be honest with yourself about what you need to be able to forgive completely. And really be honest with yourself. No one stands to gain from you pretending to forgive or saying that you do when you still harbor sadness or resentment. You need to understand yourself before you can articulate to someone else what you need.

When you know what you need and feel secure in the reasonability of these desires the next step is to figure out how to communicate them to the people involved. How can you convey your needs in a way that leaves the person apologizing willing to comply? Apologizing is vulnerable in the first place, being rejected and asked to “do more” can drive people away. You want to be a person that it’s easy to apologize to but not someone that is left with the pain of faking forgiveness. It’s a balancing act that requires honesty and true communication.

Forgiving without an apology

Sometimes things happen and there is no one around to give an apology in the first place. There are people that aren’t capable of accepting responsibility for causing hurt enough to apologize. Sometimes the person that hurt you isn’t even alive any more. If you have pain in your life because of something someone did to you then you are still a victim to what happened.

The venom is still in you. Even though the bite maybe happened a long time ago. Can you extract that venom by yourself? Clean your blood and release your body and soul of pain?

I believe that forgiving is a choice and a skill we can learn and that it’s one of the most important gifts we can give to ourselves.

Letting go of guilt when forgiveness is withheld from you

One of the most difficult situations, when it comes to forgiveness, is when someone you’ve hurt can’t get over the pain you caused. When the gift of forgiveness isn’t given to you even when you vulnerably ask for it.

Some people can’t accept an apology without enough time for their feelings to cool off. It’s hard to live with having hurt someone that you love that needs time for the anger/resentment to dissipate. To leave them alone when all you want to do is heal that broken connection.

Worst of all are those situations where someone can’t accept your apology no matter how long time it takes or how you try to fix things. In these circumstances you eventually will need to do something that sounds easy but can be extremely difficult; You have to let it go, you must find a way to forgive yourself and move on.

Do you have venom searing through your body and soul?

If you have unresolved situations in your life, things have happened that you cannot forgive, you are most certainly in a negative energy spiral. Would it be valuable to you to free up some of that energy?

Take out that pen and paper and write down the answers to the following questions:Notebook

  1. Think of a situation you keep coming back to in your mind where someone did something to you that you can’t get over. Describe the situation.
  2. Now think about this situation as if you were in the other person’s body and mind. How was she/he feeling, what was the intention? If you had to list three mitigating circumstances for the behavior what would they be?
  3. How would your life be different if you could truly let go of the hurt of that situation?
  4. What are two things you could do that would help you move on?

Sometimes there is resistance when trying to do this exercise, if you run into a mental block then take a deep breath and try to change focus. Try answering as if the answers are really easy or really basic – write whatever comes to mind – writing something, anything, will move you forward.

BeBrave

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

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Right or happy

During a management training I participated in, some years ago, we were asked a question that stopped me cold. You know, one of those questions that challenge everything you’ve up until this point believed to be true. We were talking about how to handle misunderstandings and conflicts. Explicitly how we as leaders show up and what our motives were moving into a conflict. If the meaning of communication is the response you get, then what response were we looking for? And then came another question delivered as almost an afterthought; “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

My instinctual response, sad to say, was: “Both off course!! If I’m right then I’m usually happy!”

It provoked me to no end thinking that I’d have to choose between the two. It was, to my binary mind, such a horrid choice. Either be happy but wrong all the time or be miserable while being right all the time. Since being wrong was so enormously hard on my self-esteem I interpreted the choice as no choice at all. I was basically doomed to be miserable.

As it turns out I’m much happier when I stop thinking that life is that binary. When I let there be more alternatives in life. What would being wrong and happy look like? When have I already experienced being right but still felt miserable?

What is Right is far more subjective than I ever thought

Growing up is a humbling experience. I’ve had to backtrack a whole lot of beliefs and truths the past 20 years or so. Turning from a know it all to realizing I know so little. There is no use in fighting for the right answer when it turns out there is no objective right answer to so many situations. The right answer is different for different people and in different circumstances.

Here are some truths I’ve carried:

  • One really shouldn’t play with food. It’s irresponsible towards raising well behaved children as well as considering that there are people that starve on this planet.
  • I have to eat dinner sometime between five and six o’clock or I’ll be “hangry” and miserable.
  • One should put the used kitchen ware in the dishwasher after finishing a meal. Not doing so is acting misbehaved and disrespectful.
  • I shouldn’t spend a night just sitting still in the sofa reading a book.

I’ve examined my own truths with questions like; What could I believe that would make that rule not be true anymore? Usually there are situations or beliefs where my truths turns out to be wrong for me. Situations where believing the exact opposite of what I thought was right turned out to be some of the best moments in my life.

When it comes to situations that involve other people you just up the complexity level of what’s right or wrong. The people around you will have their own truths and beliefs. What is right for someone depend on individual beliefs as well as the current state they’re in and the timing of the situation.

How do you want to be right?

Maybe something to consider when looking for the right answer is defining what being right means. There is a difference between being right over someone, i.e. if you’re right then someone else have to be wrong, and finding the right answer to a situation. What if the right answer is defined as “the solution that leaves both parties happy and connected”?

If you can find the solutions that meet that definition you will in fact be both happy and right 😀 Tada!

You radiate your thoughts and feelings – You cannot not communicate

Picture this. You’re walking into the living room and your child is sitting on the floor. Just sitting there still, looking into the distance, shoulders down, a frown on his face. Not saying anything when you walk in. You already think you know a ton about what that child is feeling.

Ever been in a situation where someone you know is being unusually quiet and asked “What’s wrong?” ´, gotten the answer “nothing!” and still known that something definitely isn’t right?

The thing is that you cannot not communicate. If you Google it the general belief is that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and only about 7% is the actual words spoken.

Stay flexible enough to find the true right answer

Maybe a final idea to remember. I got to a point where I truly believed that finding a solution from the other person’s point of view was the right answer. But the pendulum swung a bit too far in the opposite direction. I forgot to include the fact that I needed to feel good about the proposed solution as well. I sometimes swallowed my irritation and tried to fake a smile and my commitment. But since I kept radiating my feelings people rarely got really happy with my proposals.

When I look for “the right answer” I try to do the hard work of challenging my beliefs until I find a truth that really works for the both of us. Can I reconsider what my daughter’s behavior means when she walks out on our argument and slams the door? Maybe instead of being disrespectful I could interpret it as a young girl finding herself at the end of her abilities. A girl that has run out of more constructive ideas to be understood? Maybe she’s been taught that nothing else works for getting out of a scary argument. Maybe the adult have been fighting to be right and not to find the right answer…

BeBrave

Do you ask for help or are you afraid of being rejected?

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Ask

“Why didn’t you just ask me? I could’ve helped you if only I’d known!” If your child, spouse or a friend turned to you and asked you for help – how would that make you feel? Wouldn’t you feel really good? Provided you had the time to help off course.

Asking for help has been something I’ve had to relearn as an adult. Why is it so hard to ask for help even when I know how good it feels to be able to help others?

Going from dependence to independence

A child goes through many phases during the first decade of growing up. One that keeps coming back, once a year or so, is the fight for independence; “I can do it myself!” “I know you can honey, but could you show me how you can tie your shoes another time and not right now that the buss is leaving???”

The need for independence is a strong urge for humans. I believe nature gave us the drive to learn and to become capable of taking care of ourselves to help us survive. We’re born completely dependent but we fight for our independence as soon as we can.

Yet we feel the best when we contribute, when we feel we are significant and when we’re connected to others by the acts giving and getting support – interdependence seems to be the level after independence.

Studies show that we’re wired for giving

In his research into influencing people, Robert Chialdini came across some core human drivers that correlates to the topic of dependence and interdependence – like the drive for helping. The study explains that it’s a human trait, endorsed by ancient tribe culture, to want to give as much or more than we receive. This is to ensure that we are perceived as a valuable member and will be safe within the tribe.

One example of this shows up is as an impulse to want to repay a perceived debt. There are scam artists that have put this knowledge into play. It’s done by giving a small insignificant gift, e.g. cleaning your windshield, and then asking for payment. I once was jumped by an old woman literally wrestling a string bracelet around my wrist and then getting super angry cursing me when I refused to pay for the assault.

I get really pissed at people who do such unasked for favors expecting me to pay them. The anger come as a reaction to feeling that I actually owe them something even though I practically fought against the “gift”. The anger comes even though my rational brain knows it shouldn’t. The wiring is instinctual.

That instinct, combined with the consensual act of giving, comes with a flood of positive feelings. It feels really great to do things for others. To give is to feel like you matter. To help someone you love makes you feel connected and significant.

So why is it so hard to ask?

I’ve always resisted the need for help, asking for help has actually left me feeling helpless and raw. Independence and being able to stand on my own has been huge. How could I rely on anyone else when I can’t trust them to do things “my way”. My fixed mindset have had me believing there IS a right way to do things.

And hey, the things I really need help with are either really messy emotional “help me manage my self-doubt and dark thoughts”-issues or practical “I really want this heavy furniture out of our living room”-urgent kinda issues.

So I usually feel uneasy asking for help. One part of the unease it that I risk being denied, rejected. Do you have a child that hates the word “no”? I mean more than just the normal disappointment in not getting what she/he asked for but that actually hates being rejected? I’m like that still – work in progress.

Another part of the unease comes from that “debt” that I feel building up towards the one I’ve asked for help. If I can’t do something for that person in turn then I’ll eventually feel like I’m leeching of that person. This results in it being way easier to ask for help from someone who asks me for help now and then.

I practice asking for help

I’ve realized that for people to ask me for help and letting me feel needed and valuable then I have to ask them for help as well. I have to open up my life and let people in so they know how to help me. I’m still learning. The journey, so far, has gone something like this:

1st step: Ask for help but make clear exactly how I wanted things done

2nd step: Resist until life kicked my ass and make it very obvious that I NEED help

3rd step: Ask for help only in the minor, not so important things, and not care about the how

4th step: Realize that I was still not feeling connected nor achieving the goals I’ve set out for my life

5th step: Ask for true help from a place of vulnerability

It’s not easy, I’m still walking the wilderness (ref. Brené Brown) with this issue. But the unease is worth it! The feeling of connection, as well as the actual help, and the sharing of gratitude warms my heart and leaves me feeling loved and safe.

Do you ask for help?

The actionable concept of this post would be amiss if it didn’t relate to asking for help.

  1. Write down a list of things you would really like to have solved in your life.
  2. Think of three people that you love and would really like to be able to help in some way.
  3. Choose one important thing from your list of things – that you need help with – for each person that you would like to help and go make that ask. Stay open and true – explain why you need the help and how much it would mean to you to get it.

Remember, most people live really busy lives and might not have time to schedule helping someone else right away. Don’t take it personally if you’re denied the help. What you’ve done, even by just asking, is open up the communication about helping and this will empower your relationship in the future.

BeBrave

Tell your children’s story and connect them to something bigger

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Story

“Your dad and I felt that there was someone missing in our family. When I was pregnant, and you were in my tummy, I secretly hoped that you would be a girl. I fell in love with you during those months that I felt you growing inside of me. It felt like we had a bond already and I hadn’t even met you yet. We went to the doctor and found out that you were indeed a girl. We talked about what we should name you but it was such a hard decision. We’d never given someone their name before. We felt we needed to meet you before we decided.”

The brain loves story. The more times you hear a story the better you will remember it. There is a neurological reason for this. Your brain wires neurons together and once you’ve connected one part of a story to another then your brain will help you remember the sequence. The network of neurons (brain cells) will show the way. If you only remember the start then your brain will provide the entire story linked to that start.

Humans have passed on stories and knowledge in the form of storytelling for ages. In the time before the possibility to write things down the only way to keep the wisdom gained by your ancestors was by storytelling. Imagine the tribe gathered around the fire and the elders passing on knowledge and the experiences from generations back.

We’re wired for story and for connection

I’ve written about how one of our greatest fears is to be left out. The worst punishment to put a human through is isolation. To be connected and to feel like you belong is deeply soothing and gives a special kind of calm. We’re usually not even aware of it but we constantly assess how we’re doing in terms of connection and interaction with the people around us. Remember we’re wired for connection.

One way to give that gift of belonging to your child is by telling her about your family’s history. My daughters really loved hearing about when I was born, how their grandparent had been as I was growing up. Imagining your parents as kids and your grandparents as younger adults is for some reason mesmerizing for children.

Make the story come alive on paper

Humans learn and remember better the more senses they can connect to the learning experience. Hearing, seeing, saying, feeling, smelling, tasting – the more ways you get involved in the better. Apart from telling your family story you could get your child involved in drawing your family tree. You can go back in time as far as you know your history but if you have a young child (4-6 years) you might want to start with only the people that are still alive that your child knows already. If you have an older child then you can do it together and include an interview with your family members to get them to tell the stories about their mothers and fathers to include in the tree.

As you come to the present your story will include your “child’s story”. Watch as she realizes that she’s part of a line of people. How she belongs. I bet she will ask you to tell that story again and again. When I tell the story of how my girls were born, why we decided to have children and how happy we were when each of them was born they absolutely glow with joy.

Revisit the family tree and let your child “tell the story” about your family. That way she is repeating the story as well as trying the “talking” which will further secure the memory.

Give the gift of belonging to your child

  1. Tell the story of when she was little
  2. Draw your family tree, interview your relatives and add memories/comments to your tree
  3. Revisit the family tree and let her tell the stories

I’d love to hear from you. What experiences do you have of talking about your family history and how do your children respond to the exercise of drawing your family tree?

BeBrave

Have fun with your family

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Family fun

When did you last do something completely unexpected for your children? Having fun together is the absolutely best way I know to influence our family connection both in the short immediate situation but also in a longer perspective. I wish I had more fun with my daughters, in fact it’s been on my radar for a while and is now on my goals for this year – To laugh every day! 😀

Surprising the ones I care about is just about the thing I love the most. Wrapping Christmas gifts or planning a treasure hunt or planning for birthdays fills me with warmth, connection and .. well it might sound “Hallmark’y” but.. infinite gratitude!

Surprising the people you love

I once participated in a surprise “graduation celebration” for a beloved family member. She was retiring from her teaching career and we planned to kidnap her from the school in old school graduation ceremony manner when her last day was done. By chance she unknowingly escaped us and beat us home but we just brought the celebration to her house 😉 I still smile when I think about how much fun we had and how happy she got.

The most legendary surprise I’ve pulled of with my daughters was that day we went to the amusement park. On a school day! It was planned and I had even asked for formal leave from school so everything was approved. But my girls didn’t know that. In the morning I woke them up and we had breakfast as usual. When we went to put our clothes on to go to school I let them get half-dressed then said “You know what? I don’t feel like going to work today. What do you say, shouldn’t we go to the amusement park instead??” Their faces.. the BEST surprise ever! The blog photo is from that day. We had a beautiful day and we still talk about that memory.

Plan a “date” with your child

If you have more than one kid it’s sometimes hard to get quality time with them individually. I read Steven Coveys 7 Habits for successful Families a couple of years ago and have implemented one of the concept described there. To plan a solo-date with my children. At least once a year we decide on a date, plan for the other child to be with the other parent and start the planning. The idea is to plan for a day that that particular child will enjoy. Last time my youngest and I went swimming and then to a cafe to have some cake. My eldest and I went to the science fiction/fantasy bookstore and then went shopping for some clothes.

Remember to plan ahead so you can really clear your schedule and mind of other things. If you set a date then make sure that you don’t move it. Make this day important for you and it will be important for your child. It can truly be a close and warm experience if you give all your attention and take it seriously. Your child will feel important and seen.

Oh, and remember to focus on having fun and on the child that’s there. Don’t talk about siblings. Don’t give in to any impulse to use this close time for bringing up issues. If your child brings up something then listen and answer questions and give your full attention.

Laugh together

There’s a saying in Swedish that translates to “A good laugh will prolong your life”. Even if my daughters have given me some grey hairs and way too little sleep they’ve netted me many days on my life span. They make me laugh. They are so good at living in the moment and enjoying the now. My little mindfulness experts!

When I’m laughing it’s like I’m magnetic. Both my daughters are drawn to the sound of laughter. It’s not that strange when I think about it. I really enjoy hearing their bubbling laughter as well. We went to the movies just the other day to watch Ferdinand, the latest Disney movie. I must say I love how they always include little things in children’s movies for us adults. There was a dance show down at one point that had me gasping for air with laughter. I think I was enjoying it more than any of the kids there. 😀 We laughed a lot after the movie talking about different scenes and we’ve talked about that dance scene a number of times since last week.

How do you have fun with your family? Do you plan surprises? Let me know in the comments below. Share the joy!

BeBrave

Föräldrar-skalan

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Föräldrar-skala

Tja! Det är Linnea här. Mamma bad mig att skriva ett inlägg till den här hemsidan för att… hur uttryckte hon det nu igen? ”Det vore intressant att veta hur barnen såg på vårt familjeförhållande”? Nått sånt tror jag.

Först tänkte jag skriva om nått intressant, men sen kom jag på att de flesta av er är vuxna. Så jag bestämde mig för att istället berätta om nått jag kallar föräldrar-skalan. Kreativt namn, jag vet. Men Skalan-som-bedömer-hur-bra-en-förälder-gör-sitt-jobb är lite för långt. Så föräldrar-skalan fick det bli.

Föräldrar-skalan är alltså en skala som bedömer hur bra du gör ditt jobb. Föräldrar-skalan är inget som ditt barn bedömer dig i medvetet utan ofta så vet de inte ens att de bedömer dig.

Dina poäng i skalan är viktiga för ditt förhållande med ditt barn. Det finns många viktiga kategorier i föräldrar-skalan, och många fler sub-kategorier.

Liksom vilken pengasort som gäller i världen är alla inte överens om exakt vilka kategorier som är med i föräldrar-skalan, men här är några som ofta finns med.

Exempel på kategorier

  • Överraska ditt barn genom att nån gång ta ledigt från jobbet och dra till Gröna Lund. Eller på en vardag bjuda hen på nåt gott.
  • Du måste ta ansvar. Det är så klart viktigt att du har kul med ditt barn, men du måste också komma ihåg att du är förälder. Du måste se till att ditt barn går och lägger sig i tid och att hen inte äter onyttigt alltför ofta.
  • Var alltid glad. Det blir så mycket lättare för dig och ditt barn att prata om ni båda är på bra humör, och även om ditt barn inte är på bra humör måste du ändå hålla god ton.
  • Våga ha fel. Om du och ditt barn bråkat så är det viktigt att du ber om ursäkt, det är särskilt viktigt om du har ett litet barn. Om ditt barn lär sig tidigt att säga förlåt kommer hen få det lättare senare i livet, och det stärker din egen utveckling och ert band.
  • Låt ditt barn ha kul. Ditt barn kommer att leka och upptäcka. Du kan inte ta hand om hen för alltid. Låt ditt barn få upptäcka och ha kul. Även om det ser lite farligt ut så är det viktigt för barnets uppväxt att få lära sig själv. Så länge barnet inte skadar sig allvarligt är det okej.
  • GlassDela med dig. Om det händer nått dåligt på jobbet så dela med dig till ditt barn. Det kommer mer än gärna vilja muntra upp dig och hjälpa dig. Om du plötsligt tappar kontroll och blir väldigt sockersugen, så sugen att du köper en hel godispåse och går och äter under dan så dela med dig (Jag menar inte av godiset). Ditt barn kan hjälpa dig. Kanske genom att kroppsvisitera dig på sötsaker när du kommer hem. Eller ta fram den där glassen i frysen och slå sönder den med hammaren.

Det var några av saker du kan tänka på men kom ihåg att du inte kan få full pott i alla kategorier eftersom jag konstruerade den här skalan för människor.

//Linnea

Following your truth will lead you to your tribe

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Earth of Tribes

Have you found your tribe? The people that will support you, push you and see you both for the perfect work in progress that you are and as the person you are becoming.

Do you realize how huge this planet really is? We are about 7.6 billion people living here. That means that pretty much anything you think you are unique about is probably not that unique. Your problems, your quirks, your passions.. you can be sure that there are a huge number of people that share them. I think that is kind of reassuring. It means everyone has a potential tribe out there. Did you know that if you google ”Fishing hat” you get over 43 million hits? If you narrow the search to say ”Fishing hat with lures” you will still get over 9 million results! Search for “pink pants with white polka dots” – results 7 million…

Stay true to your act

This summer I read the book Linchpin by Seth Godin. In one of the chapters Seth writes about focusing on your truth instead of trying to please others.

He explains it so well in visualizing us as street performers. Think about it, a street performer doesn’t run after the people who chooses to walk past or trying to adjust his show to fit them. As a street performer you pick your stage and you deliver your act. You focus on getting better and better and on the value you bring. You will get immediate feedback in terms of how many people you manage to get to stay and watch and you focus on getting so good that people will stay. And some people will – the ones who appreciate your show, your act. The ones who trigger on the same things as you do. These are the people you want to pick your tribe from.

Believe me – your unique tribe is out there! Follow your heart, your inner voice and be who you are. You will find people out there to match you on all levels.

Contributing tribe members

There is a famous quote from Jim Rohn that states “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. Who are you hanging out with? What is the level of happiness they express, their mental state, how healthy are they, how are their finances, what impact are they having on the world around them, how much fun are they having?

What kind of friends, family members and co-workers are influencing you? Are you aware of it? Do you think the quote could be right? Are you at about the average level in all essential areas in your life compared to the five people you’re surrounded by? How are they influencing you and how are you contributing to them? Are you supporting each other and keeping each other accountable to the goals and dreams you’ve stated?

Noone but you need to understand your journey

Sometimes you will find that there are people in your tribe that shouldn’t be part of the five important ones. You’ve unwittingly given the right to influence you to someone who maybe isn’t going in the direction you want to go. Sometimes there are people that, for whatever reason, can’t be happy for you right now.

You know that kind of person you have to shelter/protect your ideas from? The one who asks too many detailed questions even when you’re just at the start, the one who tells you stories about how others have tried something similar but failed or just gives you the silent treatment with an occasional “Huh, I see” or a halfhearted “Sounds interesting, good luck”.

The five most influential people in your child’s tribe

If you look at the quote from your child’s perspective, who are the five most influential people? Up to around twelve you as the parent will definitely have a spot on that quintet. What about the closest friends at school? Other relatives? Siblings?

How do the five people your child spend the most time with impact her/him? Does your child feel safe, inspired, are they having fun together? Is there someone you would like to introduce to the company to nudge your child towards something new?

I met a mother at the playground where our children were playing one summer. They had just moved to a new neighborhood where the average salary was significantly higher than where they’d lived before. They wanted to make sure their children were surrounded by people who were part of a high-income bracket.

What tribes are you part of?

I’m a huge believer in creating awareness and the power to change once you know where you are currently. Would you like to know who the 5 most influential people are in your life?

Take out a pen and paper and write down the answers to the following questions;

  • Who would you ask for help before making a life changing decision?
  • Who do you want to call when you have good news to share?
  • Who knows secrets about you that you don’t share with anyone?
  • Who would you be afraid to let down?
  • Who do you want to be proud of and/or impressed by you?

These are the people you probably let influence you the most.

Are they the people you want to influence you?
Look at each in turn and ask yourself:

  • Is that person happy?
  • Is that person knowledgeable in the areas I let them influence me?
  • How do I feel when I’ve spent time with that person?

If you realize that you’ve promoted someone undeserving of tribe member status, then it’s time to make a change. You don’t have to exclude anyone from your life, you just need to reclaim the authority of impacting your feelings and/or actions.

Maybe you realize you have an amazing tribe around you – if you do then CELEBRATE them! Thank them and celebrate them and make sure that you contribute to them as much as they do to you.

BeBrave

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