#Family Conflicts

Family routines and chores. Who’s doing what and are you happy about it?

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Fighting

Who is doing what in your family? Do you and your co-parenting partner/-s have recurrent arguments on this topic or is the division of responsibilities clear?

Getting things done and making sure the everyday engine runs smoothly is an interesting aspect of family life. As I’m a recovering efficiency addict – I have some experience on the topic. The father of my children and I separated in 2013. There were a number of reasons for our separation but I believe one was that we didn’t appreciate each other enough.

When we separated it was never a question of how we would divide the responsibility and “rights to” our daughters. We have split custody in a 50%-50% way. Linnea and Emelie live with me every other week and with their father every other week. As I moved out of our shared apartment into my own we had to create new routines to make things work. All of a sudden I was solely responsible for the entirety of a family. Every decision, every action, every aspect.. I realized the hard way that there were MANY things I had underestimated in terms of effort and therefore had seriously undervalued.

There are so many things you don’t think of

Over the complete timeframe of a year you get into contact with all the “basic” chores/actions that exist in your family. If you limit it to a week you miss out on some chores that comes around maybe once/twice a year.. wow did I realize this when the time came for managing the first birthday party, preparing the bicycles in the spring, fixing the drain, planning the vacation, thinking of Christmas gifts.. the list goes on and on!

A legendary relationship needs nurturing in many more ways than “just” appreciating each other for managing the everyday “chores” in the family. (The dynamics of true love need its own series of blog posts..) Dividing and agreeing on the basics and the musts in your family is nonetheless a really central component! Each individual item on the list might seem relatively insignificant in terms of its impact on family happiness. But considering the sheer volume and pervasiveness of these musts in your daily life you will benefit greatly if you manage this area well.

What difference would it make in your family if you stopped arguing over who does what? Would it be valuable to your relationships to appreciate the actions of others more? What if there was a way to voice that appreciation easily and with unforced conviction?

Here are some steps that could assist you:

  1. Understand each other
    Define the total list of chores together. You can do this in a couple of ways. One way, that is relatively easy, is to make individual lists of all the things you feel that you are responsible for. Make the lists and then merge them to a common list and tell each other about each task. Another way, that could actually also contributes to a closer connection between the two of you, is that you each start with a list of the things you appreciate that the other person is doing. Merge the lists and finalize it with everything that you can think of in terms of responsibilities/chores in your family.
    Note down who is responsible for each task and define it in terms of effort and frequency.
  2. Understand the tasks
    Understanding is the prerequisite for appreciating and understanding comes from doing. The beginner level of getting this understanding would be to switch responsibilities for a given timeframe in your home. However, the fastest and really integrated learning will come if you add some pressure to the situation. Try faking a divorce/separation for a given timeframe and take turns with shouldering the complete responsibility for the family. I’m not suggesting one of you move out of the house while running this experiment BUT if the one who’s not in charge can’t keep his/her mouth shut about HOW things are done while the other partner is learning the lessons then maybe that is something to actually consider. Consider it as a fun experiment and be sure to have a continuous and strong connection during this period. It’s not a trial separation, it’s a learning experience!
  3. Make adjustments
    Now you have a new understanding for the chores and for each other. You realize what the effort would be for You to manage everything and you know what the perceived effort is for your partner to manage the chores appointed to him/her. Communicate and make adjustments to the division of responsibility and frequency so that you will have the optimal conditions for energy and ease in your family.

Tips! When doing this exercise it’s good to consider some things:

  • Be really respectful and considerate in this exercise. Especially if you have a history of fighting about this or are in a situation where your communication level is low.
  • Be open! Keep all chores on the list until step 3 so you get to understand the actual effort as well as understanding your partner. But when you consider Step 3 then seriously consider each chore! Is this individual chore something that OUR family really need according to this definition and frequency? “Basic chores” are different in every family!For instance some families will change the linen in the beds every week.. I do it maximum on a monthly basis.. J In some families it’s a must to have a home baked cake for birthday parties, in my family the chocolate cake from the local grocery freezer is the BEST!
  • Divide the chores in Step 3 based on interest/ease to the individual. If it’s a relatively low effort activity for you to vacuum the house then volunteer for that chore. Maybe you can get away from having to take out the trash that is a high effort chore for you? The whole family will benefit from everyone retaining as high levels of energy as possible.

Be honest about how you perceive the effort of your tasks and respect that it is an individual feeling that you might not always agree on.

Respect and trust each other

Okay so now you’ve structured your list and divided the responsibilities and you have a new understanding of all the chores/musts that make up the cornerstone of your family life. Now is the time for a BIG FAT WARNING! It would be very easy to use that list as an agreement and to start expecting things of each other.

“You are responsible for buying the gift for the party this weekend, have you done it yet?!”, “The floor in the living room needs vacuuming, when will you do it?”

I believe it is important to talk this through very consciously. It should be an agreement that you can trust – otherwise the person that is not responsible for the chore won’t be able to completely relax the responsibility for it. But if you start using the list as a basis for setting your partner up… well then you’re soon in for that divorce anyways ;p

Finally; If you take just one thing from this post then please realize that the way you divide the chores and the agreement between you is just a START. A common starting point for making things easier and providing more energy to your family. In the end you really need to make each other feel needed and significant. Even if you’ve agreed on the responsibilities please don’t forget to nurture your relationship on a daily basis!

Simple appreciation and gratitude are underestimated and forceful tools for creating and maintaining that family connection and love.
It’s been said before but it’s worth saying again!

 

Threats, punishments and bribery

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Threats, punishments and bribery

I can be very convincing and persuasive, make my point and argue with conviction for my ideas. Coming from a background of a fixed mindset this was an inevitable skill I needed to master to make sure I came out of every argument “on top”, being right, having all the answers… (*sigh*). Having kids was part of what eventually made the cracks in my mindset large enough to let the light of growth and tolerance to begin to seep in. If by nothing else then by the sheer volume of situations where I finally just had to admit that the way I was acting or thinking was NOT working and that I needed to change.

Before I had kids I had a dog, a beautiful huge Giant Schnauzer (Riesen), named Gimli 🙂
I learnt the importance of an assertive and dominant leadership style, to ensure that my instructions were always clear and consistent and most importantly to make sure that my commands were respected. A fellow dog-loving friend told me “Think before giving a command! if you’re in your new beautiful shoes and your dog is in the mud field doing something you would rather he didn’t – then decide if you really want to shout “no” to him, because if he doesn’t stop you HAVE to follow up with going out there!” I learnt a lot about impulse control, consistency and alpha leadership from Gimli.

Threats, punishment and bribery

Sometimes the clear, assertive and serious attitude is hard to find…  Gimli wanted to help with the painting.  #Family Fun?

A CHILD IS LIKE A DOG – RIGHT?

When my kids came along I thought that raising them would be pretty much the same in theory as being the alpha for a dog. Be clear, consistent and follow through with consequences if not respected. I don’t know if you’ve tried the dictator leadership style with your kids.. it sure wasn’t working for me. I spent a lot of my time and energy on endless conflicts, trying to tell myself that this was just a phase and that they would grow out of this rebellious behavior. I used to say, only partly joking, that the three pillars of parenting were “threats, punishments and bribery”. This belief was one that I finally had to admit was not just flawed but actually completely inappropriate and destructive.

A child is not an inferior creature that you need to guard and put into place. A child need to know the rules that apply in interacting with other people, so yes you need to be clear, but they need to understand the rules and the reasoning behind them to be able to become questioning and self-reliant adults. It is also important that a child realizes and gets to experience the consequences that comes from choosing to act in a certain way. And consistency is important, the rules and consequences we’ve agreed upon should apply the way they do with everyone else they will encounter in life. But a child needs to be able to question rules, to choose their actions (and decide to suffer the consequences) and to test their limits and abilities to grow.

BEING A  PARENT IS ABOUT GETTING THINGS DONE

Besides the Alpha leadership idea I held another messed up belief that I think was primarily what pushed me towards the threats, punishments and bribery mindset with my kids. I believed that my life needed to be efficient!  I ran my family as if there was a diploma on the line. We needed to get things done! A lot of things! And that meant we didn’t have time for managing conflicts or individual desires. This also meant that there was very little time for letting my kids learn to do things for themselves. I dressed them, I washed them, I brushed their teeth and hair, I cooked all meals, I cleaned the house, I cleaned their room… We needed to be efficient. Get things done. And so the short term solution was to threat or bribe my kids into just doing what they were told. No surprise… I was a very tired mom.

The thing is that I have actually always also believed that one of my jobs as a parent is to teach them to be self-reliant and to be able to take care of themselves. I was feeling increasingly stressed about when I would get enough time and energy to get to that teaching. As if teaching was something isolated from our everyday life.

I’ve come to accept that the teaching I do is primary through the way I live my life and that the lessons are there every day in our interactions with each other and with the people and circumstances that life put in our way.

BEING EFFICIENT vs LIVING YOUR #Family Purpose

Have you considered what your job as a parent is? Your answer will be unique in detail to you and your background. Are you running to be efficient or are you effective in making progress towards something important in the long run and enjoying your life?

Threats, punishments and bribery are not strategies that will contribute to #Family Connection and probably not to any of your long term goals. If you want more information to be convinced I can recommend reading the book Kids are worth it! by Barbara Coloroso.

But if you, like me, have been using these strategies you can actually get good use and golden nuggets out of them even as you work towards eliminating them from your life. You can use the situations where you tend to stumble into these strategies as beacons for finding situations to change. Often one or two changes that are of core importance is all it takes to make a huge difference.

TAKE ACTION – Get a piece of paper and write down the answers to these questions:

  1. In what situations during a normal day do we get into conflicts where I start using threats of punishments to get my way?

  2. What is the real reason that my child is digging his/her heals down in that situation?

  3. What do I want to happen?

  4. What can I do differently to still achieve what I want but without losing our warm connection?

BE PATIENT AND OPEN

Be kind to yourself while working to change. And be patient. It takes time for your child to trust the change you’re trying to implement. He/she will test you several times to verify your resolve and commitment.

I had a continuous fight with one of my daughters about getting out of bed in the mornings. She was always tired and in a bad mood.

We talked about it after dinner one night and I asked her if she could think of a way that I could wake her so that she would wake up happier. She knew exactly what she wanted; “I want you to attack me and tickle me with kisses!”  I thought “Yeah right! She will bite my head of for rudely wakening her!” but she actually loved it! Sure, she was a bit chocked at first but almost immediately she realized what was going on and was both laughing and cuddling me. 

Stay true to your needs. Listen to your child. Find ways that works for the both of you!

BeBrave