#Emotions

Forgiving – It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills

, , , , , , 0

Venom

Life happens

I believe that we can’t completely protect ourselves from hurt. Life happens. Big things happen that are out of our control, people we love get sick, accidents occur, death and taxes – life happens. Apart from those big ones there are innumerable occasions where we’re in contact with other people and risk being hurt. Communication is tricky and misunderstandings are inevitable. So how can you approach this capricious dance called life?

One key could be to consider the old saying “It’s the venom, not the bite, that kills”. What does that really mean? To me it means that if I hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise, it’s not the actual incident that is the biggest concern for our relationship. It’s the period after the incident and how you and that person deals with the aftermath of it that’s the real challenge. If the incident isn’t managed well the person that got hurt will have a mental venom coursing through their head which will slowly erode your relationship.

The same goes for a situation where I’m the one that’s been hurt. The bite itself won’t continue to hurt me, the incident is over, it’s the thoughts and feelings relived afterwards that will continue to cause me pain if I let it.

Managing to extract the venom after there’s been a bite requires effort – it’s called forgiving.

Apologizing is a first step

Apologizing is sometimes really difficult. You didn’t mean to cause hurt and it can feel unfair to have to apologize just because someone misunderstood your intention. It’s important to learn the skill of apologizing as a first step towards forgiveness.

Forgiving has a complex role in a life well lived. Really letting go of hurt is important. Sometimes you are the one that can deliver that gift to someone else and sometimes you have to give that gift to yourself.

Forgiving someone that hurt you

When something has happened that have left you feeling hurt you have that venom coursing through you. Even if you fully accept that what you need to do, to feel better, is to forgive it’s sometimes not all that easy to do. Even when the one that hurt you is sincerely apologizing it might still feel painful and sad inside. This is a tricky situation that requires some internal digging and honesty on your part.

First be honest with yourself about what you need to be able to forgive completely. And really be honest with yourself. No one stands to gain from you pretending to forgive or saying that you do when you still harbor sadness or resentment. You need to understand yourself before you can articulate to someone else what you need.

When you know what you need and feel secure in the reasonability of these desires the next step is to figure out how to communicate them to the people involved. How can you convey your needs in a way that leaves the person apologizing willing to comply? Apologizing is vulnerable in the first place, being rejected and asked to “do more” can drive people away. You want to be a person that it’s easy to apologize to but not someone that is left with the pain of faking forgiveness. It’s a balancing act that requires honesty and true communication.

Forgiving without an apology

Sometimes things happen and there is no one around to give an apology in the first place. There are people that aren’t capable of accepting responsibility for causing hurt enough to apologize. Sometimes the person that hurt you isn’t even alive any more. If you have pain in your life because of something someone did to you then you are still a victim to what happened.

The venom is still in you. Even though the bite maybe happened a long time ago. Can you extract that venom by yourself? Clean your blood and release your body and soul of pain?

I believe that forgiving is a choice and a skill we can learn and that it’s one of the most important gifts we can give to ourselves.

Letting go of guilt when forgiveness is withheld from you

One of the most difficult situations, when it comes to forgiveness, is when someone you’ve hurt can’t get over the pain you caused. When the gift of forgiveness isn’t given to you even when you vulnerably ask for it.

Some people can’t accept an apology without enough time for their feelings to cool off. It’s hard to live with having hurt someone that you love that needs time for the anger/resentment to dissipate. To leave them alone when all you want to do is heal that broken connection.

Worst of all are those situations where someone can’t accept your apology no matter how long time it takes or how you try to fix things. In these circumstances you eventually will need to do something that sounds easy but can be extremely difficult; You have to let it go, you must find a way to forgive yourself and move on.

Do you have venom searing through your body and soul?

If you have unresolved situations in your life, things have happened that you cannot forgive, you are most certainly in a negative energy spiral. Would it be valuable to you to free up some of that energy?

Take out that pen and paper and write down the answers to the following questions:Notebook

  1. Think of a situation you keep coming back to in your mind where someone did something to you that you can’t get over. Describe the situation.
  2. Now think about this situation as if you were in the other person’s body and mind. How was she/he feeling, what was the intention? If you had to list three mitigating circumstances for the behavior what would they be?
  3. How would your life be different if you could truly let go of the hurt of that situation?
  4. What are two things you could do that would help you move on?

Sometimes there is resistance when trying to do this exercise, if you run into a mental block then take a deep breath and try to change focus. Try answering as if the answers are really easy or really basic – write whatever comes to mind – writing something, anything, will move you forward.

BeBrave

The art of dreaming BIG, promising LITTLE and taking small steps

, , , , , , 0

start small

Taking small steps has not been part of my go to solutions for progress. Taking massive action á la no pain no gain has been more my tune. But like the snowball that starts small and grows into an unstoppable force I’ve started to suspect that there is truth, for me, in starting slowly and building my confidence.

“You should dream BIG!”

Yes. You really should dream big. Dreaming and visualizing a future that inspires you and those around you is essential for knowing where  to go. And you should talk about it. Talking and writing your dreams creates a special kind of magnetism that will pull you in.

When you talk to others about your dreams you also tap into a human drive; Social pressure. The human brain wants you to stay consistent with what you say so telling people about your plans will create healthy pressure.

There are two possible traps to be aware of when dreaming BIG.

The first is the risk of fooling your brain out of taking actual action. Since the brain doesn’t know the difference between that you think and what you’re actually experiencing it might get the idea that you’re already making progress. It will reward you with the chemicals of progress and you might very well settle in that happy feeling and “forget” to do what is needed.

The other possible risk of dreaming BIG, and telling people about it, is the risk of failing on your big promises. Look into the post about truth and keeping promises to get more background;

”The essential thing to understand is that when you talk to others, or think something to yourself, your subconscious is listening. If you say something and then don’t act accordingly your subconscious will get confused; “We said something but we didn’t take action on it. We better protect ourselves from feeling stupid/confused or like we failed. Let’s make that thing we talked about into something “not important”. We would never NOT do something that’s important so let’s make sure we don’t waste time on that unimportant thing! Ever!””

Dream BIG and promise LITTLE

Continue to dream BIG and talk about the dreams but maybe without a deadline? Promise LITTLE to yourself and even less to others. In fact – if you’re just starting to build credibility with yourself then start extremely small.

If you want to cut back on sugar for health reasons then don’t start with promising yourself to never eat it again. Start with maybe drinking one less soda per day?

If you want to start spending more quality time with your children don’t set the bar at spending two hours of deep and meaningful conversation seven nights a week. One; your kids will hate it 😉 Two; Maybe promise yourself that one night a week I’m going to set a reminder on my phone and when it rings I will go into my daughters room, sit down and say “I just wanted to be near you for a little while – is it ok if I sit here a couple of minutes?”.

Maybe you want to start exercising. Promise yourself to go on one 20 minute-walk this coming week instead of jumping into a stressful new routine that you’re not ready for neither mentally nor physically.

Building trust is the most important step

Making such small commitments might seem totally useless and idiotic. “How will taking one 20 minute walk bring me closer to my goals??” Believe me I know that doubt very well. I know the frustration that can kick you into action as well as the eagerness when you think you might be onto some new solution. I can get myself all A-type worked up and keep going HARD towards my BIG goals for a reasonably long time. But the BIG promises and vision always fails me when they are my main focus. I lose my initial momentum at some point and immediately my self-doubt kicks in and tells me “I’m no good” and that “see you’re not going to make it – again!”.

The trick is to build your trust in yourself in a pace that’s sustainable so that you don’t give that inner critic/fear ammunition when you’re weak. If you start small and keep hitting your goals then you will start to feel proud and slowly you’ll start trusting that when you say you’re going to do something then you do it.

Power of rewarding chemicals

Apart from building trust with yourself there is another theory that makes small steps so powerful. It has to do with chemicals. The brain loves “doing the right thing” – every time you do something you truly believe is good you give your brain the go-signal to release the hormone cascade that feels so good. You flood the system with dopamine and you think “wow, this feels good!”. You have that feeling of pride and happiness – you’re rewarded. This all happens subconsciously but that doesn’t stop it from impacting you both in the moment and in the future.

You will be automatically drawn towards the things that brought you pleasure. And it doesn’t matter how BIG or small the actions is. The only thing that matters is that you believe/decide that it is important. So though it might sound silly at first it’s all really just a smart management of your body’s normal functionality. How do you make a small step feel important if it doesn’t? Well, this is where complete trust in the aforementioned theory comes in handy. Do your own research if you’re not willing to take my word for it, which might be a healthy mindset since I’m no doctor with a degree 😉

When you look for the truth behind your reward system you’ll find all the evidence you need to start believing that steps, no matter how small, are the starting point for action and you’ll be on your way 😀

Triggers and momentum

Yet another way for optimizing how the human brain works is to use the power of triggers and routines. There is power in connecting one action to another. E.g. take your medicine when you’ve brushed your teeth or repack your gym bag immediately after hanging the wet ones up to dry when you come home. If you connect actions to each other and then focus on getting the small first action done then chances are that you’ll continue with the next actions as well.

Making small steps part of your life

Would you like to try using the power of small steps? What if it actually works? What if, at the end of this experiment, you have a bit more trust in yourself and you’ve started a few new habits?

For this exercise I will assume that you know an area or two that you want to change. Even if you’re maybe not completely crystal clear on what you want as the end goal I’m sure that there are some general directions you’d like to go in.

  1. For one or two areas, that you want to change/improve, pick one small action that you can take on a weekly basis. The actions should take no more than 15 minutes to do, ideally 5-10 minutes, and it should be something that leads in the direction you want to go.
  2. Make this a serious effort and research if you must to ensure that you truly believe that small steps give these valuable results.
  3. Make a plan! Take out your calendar and phone and schedule/set alarms for performing these small steps for the coming 6 weeks. You will have 6-12 (depending on if you picked one or two areas) dates and times for actions that should take no more than 5-15 minutes each.
  4. Notice if it’s working. Set another alarm for each of the days you’ve scheduled. Set it to the evening and when it goes off just take a quick note of how you’re doing and what the effects of doing your actions, small as they are, are on your mood.

Note; In my experience setting a small-step-goal to something that I can do in the morning has had the best effect. When I win the morning I tend to want to keep taking home other small victories throughout the day.

BeBrave

Saying you’re sorry and making up for mistakes

, , , , 0

Sorry

Saying you’re sorry can be difficult. To me it ranks on the top three list together with asking for help and with saying I want you to love me. We’re practicing saying sorry in my family. It’s been interesting and educational for me to observe it from the outside. When I see it happen between my daughters it’s easier to notice the patterns and obstacles that I also struggle with.

Hurting someone is usually not intentional

There are many issues that might make it difficult to say you’re sorry. One is the fact that it’s usually never intentional when you hurt someone. The thing you did or said wasn’t meant the way it was interpreted. Communication can be really tricky.

Have you ever gotten upset with someone because of how they got hurt by something you did/said? “How can she be so sensitive!?” “Gee there is so much drama going on!” The thing is that some people, like me, sometimes have trouble differentiating between who they are and what they do. If you feel that you are a bad person when you do something “wrong” then you’ll have a hard time saying I’m sorry. Saying it will mean that you admit to being a bad person – not very many people enjoy that and most will go to great length to defend themselves.

You want to protect yourself. You want to explain and make the other person realize how it was wrong by to be hurt in the first place. That way you don’t have to say you’re sorry – you’ve proven that you didn’t do anything wrong. In these circumstances it might help to remember that people, yourself included aren’t bad – they might make bad decisions but that doesn’t make them bad people.

Hurting someone you care about truly sucks even without the pressure of I’m a bad person. Just seeing pain in the face of loved ones hurts inside.

I asked my daughter about apologizing

I wanted to understand how my daughter felt about saying sorry. She told me some interesting stuff:

“Sometimes it’s hard because you really only just want to forget about the situation. You might feel so bad about it that you don’t want to risk bringing it up again. Since you don’t know how the other might react and they might want to talk about it a lot.”

“Sometimes you might get a sinking feeling in your stomach when you’ve hurt someone – if that happens I try to remind myself that I didn’t mean to- that makes it easier to say I’m sorry”.

”When you say you’re sorry you should really mean it because it’s very important how you say it. There’s a huge difference between “SORRY!” with an angry voice or “oooooh nooo I’m SO sorry!” with a sad voice”

Learning empathy

Having the ability to understand how others might feel in different situation is essential for learning to say you’re sorry.

Empathy is something we develop and learn as we grow, some more than others. I was kind of shocked when my girls would do something I thought was totally wrong. Like when big sister, then 3 years old hit her little sister (1 year at the time) or when they kept running after the birds on the plaza chasing and scaring them. I worried that somehow they didn’t realize how they might be hurting someone else. Well.. they couldn’t. Empathy is something we need to learn.

Children learn empathy primarily by watching their parents. There is a term for this, Social referencing, that describes how young children look to their parent to get help in deciding on how to feel and react. Has your kid ever fallen down and immediately turned to you to check how to react? If you as the parent show distress and worry the child immediately starts crying. On the other hand if you just pick her back up with a smile or say “up you go!” then the chances are that she brushes herself of and continue with her play.

Remember how it feels when you are hurt

If you unintentionally hurt someone the best thing is to accept that it has happened. It might feel unfair or that you don’t have the time or energy to handle the misunderstanding. But if you fight the fact that it happened you’ll only loose more time trying to repair the damage to the relationship later. Don’t try to persuade someone not to feel what they feel. The feeling is there and needs to be acknowledged. I’m not saying that people have the right to accuse you or demand things from you. I’m just saying that people that feel hurt needs to be listened to before you can find a suitable solution together.

Try to take full responsibility for being part of the situation that has left someone hurt. Use your empathy to remember how it feels when YOU feel hurt. You don’t have to agree on why the person is hurt or even pretend to understand why if you don’t. You just have to remember the feelings in your body when you get hurt. Remember the anger, the sadness and the sense of loss.

When you can connect to the feeling, outside of the situation, you’re better prepared to be empathetic in your communication.

Saying you’re sorry

Owning up to having been part of a situation that has hurt someone includes actually apologizing. As my daughter noted; “It’s hard but it’s important that you say it because that can bring your friendship back”.
Feelings are messengers and the feeling of hurt is coming from feeling you’ve lost something. If someone is sad because of something being lost between you, doesn’t that mean that what you had was important to that person? It’s kinda nice to be important to people J

So what steps are important for saying the actual words of “I’m sorry” and getting the desired result of understanding, a repaired and maybe even a stronger relationship?

Take 100% ownership for inflicting pain on the other person. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t intentional! It happened no one can be wrong about having feelings. This is the possibly hardest part and it might help to remember to ask yourself the important question of; Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

When you’ve done your mental homework these steps might help:

  1. Say you’re sorry for causing the hurt.
    “I realize I hurt you and I am truly sorry for causing you pain”
  2. You can move on to explaining your reasons for your actions but this needs to be cautioned. There is a risk that the explanation turns into excuses that will make the other person feel like you’re still trying to argue for being right.
    “I didn’t want to worry you and I thought it’d be better not to tell you about that thing beforehand”
  3. If you think you know and understand why the other person was hurt the say so. Tell what you’ve learnt and will do differently in the future.
    “I realize you felt left out and that I kept secrets from you when I didn’t tell you. Next time I will tell you even if I think you might get worried.”If you don’t know why the person got hurt ask them.
    “I realize now that I missed something that hurt you. I don’t know what it is but I’d really love know so I can understand and not do that in the future. Will you tell me?”

Saying you’re sorry requires vulnerability

Saying you’re sorry leaves you open to being accepted or denied. It’s a scary thing. Sometimes the one that got hurt needs time and space to receive the apology. Try to stay open and available for picking up the dialogue when the other is ready.

BeBrave

People aren’t bad they make bad decisions

, , , , 0

Isolation

“He is a bad person, I hate him!” My girls have both been through situations and met people that have made them angry and upset. So have I. Off course! There have been people in my life that I would prefer not spending time with. But unless you plan to hide yourself, on the metaphorical one-man-island of “internal travels” and isolate yourself from the rest of the world, you will have to relate to other human beings.

And humans are messy and we’re all a work in progress. We’re stumbling along trying to survive, feel good and make some sense of our time here on earth. Sometimes we crash into people. Sometimes with enough force as to send that person right into a fall that lands on a third innocent bystander. A woman at work snapped at me, because she’s not slept for days worrying about her terminally ill mother. I fell into an obsessive negative thought pattern wondering if I’d done something wrong. Coming home I brought that energy into our family evening. I was being distracted and absentminded and I argued with my girls for leaving the back packs on the floor.

One of the most important decisions a person can make in life is what to believe about the universe. Is it benign or evil at its core? I choose to believe that people act as good as they can under the current circumstances. When we know better we do better. I choose to believe this because it makes me stronger. It also makes it easier to manage whatever happens in my life.

I don’t feel that you’re on my side!

My drive for understanding why people do what they do has sometimes led to misunderstandings with my daughter. When she’s told me about this or that situation in school and about how someone was being bad I’ve tried to understand that other person’s situation.

When I questioned the situation; “How do you think was he feeling when he said that bad thing to you?” or “how are things for him at home?” my daughter felt I pushed back against her description or objected to her right to feel victimized.

She’s said; “You always try to understand how someone must have felt instead of listening to me! You’re taking their side.”
Sometimes, when it’s not about her, she lovingly hugs me for “Trying to see the good in everyone no matter what”.

I try to explain to her why I want to understand why people do what they do. It’s not to be “a good person” or “turning the other cheek”. I do believe that being positive and looking for the positive is a winning strategy for interacting with people but the main reason is more selfish. I want to understand others so that I can stop being impacted by their negative behavior and to be able to influence them towards a more positive behavior. If I understand them then I can more easily adjust my approach so that we get a win-win situation; I get what I want and hopefully that other person get what she/he wants.

While trying to understand motives for seemingly weird actions by others I also learn about myself. I still do things that surprises me, things that I don’t understand why I do. If I can understand what drives someone else then I can evaluate if I also have that same need/driver.

Understanding someone’s motives does not mean you should accept their behavior

Trying to understand why someone does this or that, which impacts you negatively, does NOT mean that you make excuses for that person to continue to treat you badly. You teach people how to treat you by how you let them and you need to be very clear about your limits and your definitions of terms like respect, love and cooperation.

Understanding their motives just frees you up to working out a solution to the negative impact in your life. Take that woman at work that keeps yelling at you, because she’s under extreme pressure at home. If you are told about the dying mother then you will be in a much better place in meeting this woman with compassion. From understanding comes the ability to not take things personally and you are in a much better position mentally to stay supportive and empathic when you don’t feel personally threatened.

A talk from this perspective will have a much higher chance of success. You’ll be more elegant in finding the phrasing to offer warm support while making it clear that you won’t tolerate being yelled at in the future.

If you believe you are a bad person you will not have hope enough to act

It’s important to switch into the idea that people do what they can under the circumstances not only because it helps you to become more mentally immune to the actions of others. Being able to distance yourself from drama and keep your equilibrium becomes easier if you believe that some people simply make bad decisions instead of thinking you’re surrounded by bad people.

Another reason is that when you get used to trying to understand the underlying reasons for someone else’s negative actions you become more likely to try to understand your own motives. Why do YOU sometimes do things that are not helping you progress in life? Is it because you are a bad person? To believe that you are a bad person is to believe something really disempowering. How can you muster the confidence or courage to change if you believe that you are bad no matter what?

On the other hand, if you are used to meeting negative behavior with an inquisitive mind, you will be more likely to look for and find reasons and motives that you can actually impact and change.

When you are faced with negativity

Unless you plan on escaping to a remote isolated island to fend for yourself you will come across people that impact you. If that impact feels negative then maybe these steps can help:

  1. Decide that the behavior impacting you is coming from someone who for some reason can’t do better at the moment
  2. Try to figure out what that person have been or are going through that can explain why they act the way they do
  3. Remind yourself of a time when you weren’t communicating in the best way. This will increase your level of empathy further
  4. Become really clear, to yourself, of what changes you need in behavior from this person. What you can live with/tolerate and what you really need to find a different solution to
  5. Communicate with empathy and compassion for the both of you.

BeBrave

Don’t know what you’re passionate about? – choose something!

, , 0

Don’t know what you’re passionate about? – choose something!

Ever heard that you should build your career around something you’re passionate about? I know a lot of people that just don’t know what they’re passionate about or that don’t have the luxury of even thinking about it – they struggle with paying the bills and getting the kids to and from school.

What if I told you that the biggest thing stopping you from living closer to your passions is that you haven’t taken the decision to do so seriously? What if the only thing missing is that you choose something to be passionate about and then walk through that door?

FALL for the pressure of society..

How secure are you in the choices you make in life? Do you look for approval from others?
Most people are very susceptible to the critique of the outside world. How then do we listen to our own inner voice and truth? And how do I know that what I like IS truly what I like and not just something that would please someone around me?

People around you probably want the very best for you. The problem is that sometimes those people have very different life experiences than you and their advice is just not relevant to your life.

One way to evaluate others opinions/advice is to look closely at where they are in terms of success within the area they’re commenting on. Have they earned the right to be a contributing tribe member? Are they living the advice they give? Sometimes people give advice even though they haven’t had the time to live that advice yet. Just like I’m doing right now 😉 When you follow their reasoning does it make sense to you? If so then you can incorporate the idea in your plans. If not, then thank them for the advice and make a mental note to ignore it 🙂

..or STAND for your curiosity

Another way to isolate yourself from negative opinions is to become aware of where it comes from. I bet you already know who you can expect negative comments from. So why do you fight against reality and expect things to be different? You can’t change someone else’s worldview. It’s actually quite irresponsible to walk into a situation pretending that you don’t know what’s going to happen when you do. If you know, based on prior experience, that this person is going to send negativity your way then DON’T get upset when that happens. See if you can just see that negativity as a sign of progress. No matter what you do that negativity will come, so switch focus and realize that negativity from this person means you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing in your life!

What if I don’t know what I’m passionate about?

Some people have no problem coming up with an entire list of things they are passionate about. Their problem seems to be that they get paralyzed by all the choices or ineffective because they try chasing all of them at once.

Passionate is a strong word though. Maybe you’re picturing obsessed workaholics or fiery flamenco dancers and don’t feel you can relate? I’ve realized it’s a problem for all us fixed mindset-people. We were fooled into believing that there is a “right” way to do things and that if we weren’t really good at doing things with little or no effort then that only proved how stupid and limited we were.

That is a sure recipe for not trying new things. And if you never try things then how are you supposed to find out what you like or not?

I’m learning about my own scripting and it’s a continuous trial and error finding out what I like doing. It’s sort of weird not being able to answer that question. Like I SHOULD know. I’ve realized that it’s much easier to follow a different feeling than that musty paralyzing passion.

Start with a smaller but still just as impactful feeling

Be still and listen to what YOU want to know more about. What YOU would want to research even if you were alone and no one knew. If you’re under stress from living a busy life it might not be easy to hear. It might be stressful even to sit still for a while and just listen. Be patient with yourself and give yourself 10 minutes. Take 10 minutes and sit completely still. Close your eyes and take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds and then let it out with a deep sigh. Feel your shoulders lower and feel the calmness come into your body.

Ask yourself:

  • Without any thought of financial return or of what the people around me would think – what am I curious to learn more about?
  • If I had a time machine and could reset any decision I made by just going back in time and start over, what would I want to try doing?
  • What person, living or dead, are you secretly impressed by and would like to know more about?
  • In my past. What situations have I been involved in that I’ve enjoyed more than usual?

Be relentless and brave – push forward knowing that progress beats perfection

If you’re like me and have just found a flickering little flame of curiosity then fight for it! Protect it fiercely from negativity and fan that flame as much as you can. Make it a deliberate act to nurture that idea and engage with it as much as you can to grow it into a blazing fire.

It’s truly more important to pick something and start learning about it than to wait for the right idea or the right time or the right amount of knowledge. Pick one and walk through that door! On the way you will learn about how you act under pressure and change, how the world works and how the people around you are and react to you when you’re changing.

And try not to take things to seriously. I think it was Jim Carrey that said in an interview that ”Until you’ve completely messed up in at least five situations where other people have told you that ”it’s now or never!” you haven’t even started!”. Pick something and try it out! If it’s not what you wanted you WILL find something else to try – but if you don’t start you’ll never know what it feels like to live truly inspired.

I believe that life is there for all of us. Let’s keep fighting and supporting each other to build it.

BeBrave

Do you ask for help or are you afraid of being rejected?

, , , , , 0

Ask

“Why didn’t you just ask me? I could’ve helped you if only I’d known!” If your child, spouse or a friend turned to you and asked you for help – how would that make you feel? Wouldn’t you feel really good? Provided you had the time to help off course.

Asking for help has been something I’ve had to relearn as an adult. Why is it so hard to ask for help even when I know how good it feels to be able to help others?

Going from dependence to independence

A child goes through many phases during the first decade of growing up. One that keeps coming back, once a year or so, is the fight for independence; “I can do it myself!” “I know you can honey, but could you show me how you can tie your shoes another time and not right now that the buss is leaving???”

The need for independence is a strong urge for humans. I believe nature gave us the drive to learn and to become capable of taking care of ourselves to help us survive. We’re born completely dependent but we fight for our independence as soon as we can.

Yet we feel the best when we contribute, when we feel we are significant and when we’re connected to others by the acts giving and getting support – interdependence seems to be the level after independence.

Studies show that we’re wired for giving

In his research into influencing people, Robert Chialdini came across some core human drivers that correlates to the topic of dependence and interdependence – like the drive for helping. The study explains that it’s a human trait, endorsed by ancient tribe culture, to want to give as much or more than we receive. This is to ensure that we are perceived as a valuable member and will be safe within the tribe.

One example of this shows up is as an impulse to want to repay a perceived debt. There are scam artists that have put this knowledge into play. It’s done by giving a small insignificant gift, e.g. cleaning your windshield, and then asking for payment. I once was jumped by an old woman literally wrestling a string bracelet around my wrist and then getting super angry cursing me when I refused to pay for the assault.

I get really pissed at people who do such unasked for favors expecting me to pay them. The anger come as a reaction to feeling that I actually owe them something even though I practically fought against the “gift”. The anger comes even though my rational brain knows it shouldn’t. The wiring is instinctual.

That instinct, combined with the consensual act of giving, comes with a flood of positive feelings. It feels really great to do things for others. To give is to feel like you matter. To help someone you love makes you feel connected and significant.

So why is it so hard to ask?

I’ve always resisted the need for help, asking for help has actually left me feeling helpless and raw. Independence and being able to stand on my own has been huge. How could I rely on anyone else when I can’t trust them to do things “my way”. My fixed mindset have had me believing there IS a right way to do things.

And hey, the things I really need help with are either really messy emotional “help me manage my self-doubt and dark thoughts”-issues or practical “I really want this heavy furniture out of our living room”-urgent kinda issues.

So I usually feel uneasy asking for help. One part of the unease it that I risk being denied, rejected. Do you have a child that hates the word “no”? I mean more than just the normal disappointment in not getting what she/he asked for but that actually hates being rejected? I’m like that still – work in progress.

Another part of the unease comes from that “debt” that I feel building up towards the one I’ve asked for help. If I can’t do something for that person in turn then I’ll eventually feel like I’m leeching of that person. This results in it being way easier to ask for help from someone who asks me for help now and then.

I practice asking for help

I’ve realized that for people to ask me for help and letting me feel needed and valuable then I have to ask them for help as well. I have to open up my life and let people in so they know how to help me. I’m still learning. The journey, so far, has gone something like this:

1st step: Ask for help but make clear exactly how I wanted things done

2nd step: Resist until life kicked my ass and make it very obvious that I NEED help

3rd step: Ask for help only in the minor, not so important things, and not care about the how

4th step: Realize that I was still not feeling connected nor achieving the goals I’ve set out for my life

5th step: Ask for true help from a place of vulnerability

It’s not easy, I’m still walking the wilderness (ref. Brené Brown) with this issue. But the unease is worth it! The feeling of connection, as well as the actual help, and the sharing of gratitude warms my heart and leaves me feeling loved and safe.

Do you ask for help?

The actionable concept of this post would be amiss if it didn’t relate to asking for help.

  1. Write down a list of things you would really like to have solved in your life.
  2. Think of three people that you love and would really like to be able to help in some way.
  3. Choose one important thing from your list of things – that you need help with – for each person that you would like to help and go make that ask. Stay open and true – explain why you need the help and how much it would mean to you to get it.

Remember, most people live really busy lives and might not have time to schedule helping someone else right away. Don’t take it personally if you’re denied the help. What you’ve done, even by just asking, is open up the communication about helping and this will empower your relationship in the future.

BeBrave

Stop saying “there are no failures” – I’ve failed plenty of times

, , , 0

Failures

“In life there are no failures” – this is a belief in many self-help sciences today. I think it’s BS. I’ve failed many many times in my life. Failed to get the deal at work, failed on my tests in school. I’ve failed on making my relationship work, failed on taking care of my body, failed on listening to my daughters. The list goes on. Don’t tell me I didn’t fail – I feel the truth and impact of those failures to my core.

Failing sucks!

In my role as Managing director for a small IT consultant business I was the main responsible for sales. Going into sales presentations, pitching our ideas and trying to find the win-win deal was at times really challenging. To this day I remember a specific occasion where we got some live feedback on an epic fail.

Me and my colleague, who was responsible for the basics and calculations of the offer, went to a sales meeting. We knew that the customer team had been meeting with our competitors just before our meeting. We were nervous but happy going in thinking we had a strong case. The customer had teamed up with four representatives including head of purchase. At the end of our presentation when we were coming to the slide describing our prizing he said with a serious straight face; “This will be interesting. Of what we’ve read in your material sent beforehand you’re about 4 times more expensive than the other presentations we’ve seen so far.” I had trouble breathing and I could literally feel my colleague sink in her chair beside me.

Failing is very real

Saying that there are no failures is like saying that there’s no weeds in your garden or that there are no sharks in the ocean – which when I think about it might be truth if humanity doesn’t shape up. How the *beep* can people eat shark fin soup knowing how those creatures are treated? – side note – There are failures! Repeating the phrase as advice or chanting it to yourself to keep from feeling bad when something doesn’t work out as you wanted it to will not make the reality of it go away.

Don’t try to sooth yourself out of feeling the sting on not making that thing you wanted come true. Don’t pamper yourself into believing that you didn’t fail. Look at what happened. See the truth of it. You didn’t achieve what you set out to achieve – period.

We wanted to win that deal and we had prepared. Our goal was to deliver high value to our client as well as to take on a bigger delivery than ever before. We thought we had a great concept going. But we had gravely misunderstood this client. We failed to understand the level of ambition and requirements they had. We failed on asking all questions we should’ve to make sure we understood their needs.

Does it have to feel so bad?

So we failed. But does it have to feel so bad? Does it have to feel like a kick in your stomach, like you want to go to the bathroom and never come out? That’s what happened to me in that meeting. We were asked to finish out presentation, which we did, and then we had a short break before the last QA session. I went to the bathroom and sat there trying to figure out how to move on from here. I think that what saved me this time was the apparent distress that my colleague was in. She felt responsible and really bad. I had to step up for her which was way easier than for myself.

The saying “there are no failures” often come with the ending “only feedback” and this is something I can relate to and understand. Imagining that what happens is nothing but feedback on how effectively your current actions are moving you towards your goals opens me up to looking for new ways. When my current actions is not moving me in the right direction I can turn and change to see what new feedback I get.

We went back into our client meeting with the intention of learning everything we could to either repair this current offer or to at least understand how we must alter it in the future. We told the client the truth, we’d messed up in understanding their needs, and that we would really appreciate the opportunity to ask them questions to understand where we went wrong.

When we left we had an empowered feeling of having stood proud of our genuine win-win offer. We had been transparent and honest enough to admit our mistakes. I think our behavior also impressed our client. They asked us to come back and work together on other deals.

The power comes from the concept of feedback

When you say “There are no failures, only feedback” what you do is NOT making you feel good about not reaching your goals. It’s not meant to sooth you. The honest underlying truth of that statement WILL make you feel better. That truth will save you from the hurt even during all that time that it usually takes to find the ways that finally gets you to where you want to go. But the reason that it will make you feel better is because it will free you up from feeling those bad feelings in the first place.

If you can truly adopt the concept that the only thing that happens in life is a feedback on how you are showing up at the moment and combine that with the truth of how much you can learn. Then you won’t be impacted when things don’t turn out right immediately.

Want to try this theory out in your own life?

Notebook

Think of a time when you failed. You did something that you’re ashamed of now. That almost makes you cringe with unease when you think about it.

Write down whatever comes to you when you ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Did you have a clear result in mind before going into the situation?
  2. What was your true deep inner intention?
  3. What have you learned about yourself, your profession or another person that you didn’t know before?
  4. If the exact same situation came again, you had a time machine and could now go back and revisit the thing that happened, how would you knowing what you know now act differently?

Everything you learn you get to keep. Every situation that happens to you is an example of a lesson, it’s a necessary stepping stone for you to move forward, it’s knowledge that combined with everything you’ve experienced will make you into the person you are becoming.

Tony Robbins prompts one of the most impactful questions in terms of feedback:

  1. How is this situation the best thing that ever happened to me?

Look at the situation you chose and feel the difference.

BeBrave

Tell your children’s story and connect them to something bigger

, , , , 0

Story

“Your dad and I felt that there was someone missing in our family. When I was pregnant, and you were in my tummy, I secretly hoped that you would be a girl. I fell in love with you during those months that I felt you growing inside of me. It felt like we had a bond already and I hadn’t even met you yet. We went to the doctor and found out that you were indeed a girl. We talked about what we should name you but it was such a hard decision. We’d never given someone their name before. We felt we needed to meet you before we decided.”

The brain loves story. The more times you hear a story the better you will remember it. There is a neurological reason for this. Your brain wires neurons together and once you’ve connected one part of a story to another then your brain will help you remember the sequence. The network of neurons (brain cells) will show the way. If you only remember the start then your brain will provide the entire story linked to that start.

Humans have passed on stories and knowledge in the form of storytelling for ages. In the time before the possibility to write things down the only way to keep the wisdom gained by your ancestors was by storytelling. Imagine the tribe gathered around the fire and the elders passing on knowledge and the experiences from generations back.

We’re wired for story and for connection

I’ve written about how one of our greatest fears is to be left out. The worst punishment to put a human through is isolation. To be connected and to feel like you belong is deeply soothing and gives a special kind of calm. We’re usually not even aware of it but we constantly assess how we’re doing in terms of connection and interaction with the people around us. Remember we’re wired for connection.

One way to give that gift of belonging to your child is by telling her about your family’s history. My daughters really loved hearing about when I was born, how their grandparent had been as I was growing up. Imagining your parents as kids and your grandparents as younger adults is for some reason mesmerizing for children.

Make the story come alive on paper

Humans learn and remember better the more senses they can connect to the learning experience. Hearing, seeing, saying, feeling, smelling, tasting – the more ways you get involved in the better. Apart from telling your family story you could get your child involved in drawing your family tree. You can go back in time as far as you know your history but if you have a young child (4-6 years) you might want to start with only the people that are still alive that your child knows already. If you have an older child then you can do it together and include an interview with your family members to get them to tell the stories about their mothers and fathers to include in the tree.

As you come to the present your story will include your “child’s story”. Watch as she realizes that she’s part of a line of people. How she belongs. I bet she will ask you to tell that story again and again. When I tell the story of how my girls were born, why we decided to have children and how happy we were when each of them was born they absolutely glow with joy.

Revisit the family tree and let your child “tell the story” about your family. That way she is repeating the story as well as trying the “talking” which will further secure the memory.

Give the gift of belonging to your child

  1. Tell the story of when she was little
  2. Draw your family tree, interview your relatives and add memories/comments to your tree
  3. Revisit the family tree and let her tell the stories

I’d love to hear from you. What experiences do you have of talking about your family history and how do your children respond to the exercise of drawing your family tree?

BeBrave

Christmas – Do you want to help your child focus on giving?

, , , , , , 0

Christmas – Do you want to help your child focus on giving?

Is it okay to look forward to gifts on Christmas? How do you handle expectations and gifts in your family? Do your relatives ask your children “What do you wish for Christmas” or “What have you asked Santa for?”?

Christmas is around the corner and my girls and I are sooo looking forward to it! Although I don’t like the consumeristic idea of the holiday I really do enjoy coming up with surprises for the ones I love. One of my favorite times of the year is that night when I get to do the wrapping. It’s an all-night event. I get the girls in bed or out of the house, nowadays it’s easy since they’re at their dad’s house every other week. Then I pour myself a cup of tea (or a glass of wine 😉 ), put on some Christmas music and overflow the kitchen table with wrapping material. I wrap gifts and think of making my family happy – I love this night!

Excitement or agony?

I know that there is a great divide in people who loves this holiday and those who think it’s mostly agony. True agony for all the people who don’t have anyone to share it with or for those parents that have barely enough to make it through the day let alone get gifts or special Christmas treats for their kids.

I’m incredibly blessed in my life and so there really isn’t any agony to talk of. I still have mixed feelings towards the holiday though. The potential stress for me is when I either can’t think of something for someone I love or when I just can’t afford it. In contrast, when I do find something and actually can get it, I feel giddy and exited and can’t wait for the day when I get to see the surprise and happiness.

The potential stress is still real, although I know it’s a blessed situation. I remember actual uncomfortable dreams about it when I was in my teens. Dreaming that it was the day before Christmas and I had completely forgotten about it. Trying to find something for the people I loved at the local gas station. As I grew older I implemented the strategy of keeping an eye on Christmas from about the end of September. Whenever I hear someone I love talk about something they’d like to do or get I take a mental, and later written, note.

Give children the gift of giving

My girls loves getting gifts, but they really love giving them as well. They’ve been making gifts at school and crafting things at home. Given a glue-gun, some pens and paper and they can create the most creative objects you can imagine. Having a creative studio set up at the kitchen table has kept them occupied for many evenings in November/December.

As they’ve grown older they’ve become more aware of a difference in price between what they can afford or create and what they usually get. It’s been a challenge for them trying to come to terms with this. My eldest came into a period where she no longer wanted to create things because it “just wasn’t good enough”. I saw she was struggling to explain, to herself more than to anyone else, why she didn’t make or give gifts. It took some of the joy out of Christmas for her.

I try to help them out with finding things or activities they can do for the ones they love that don’t require a lot of money.

  • One of my girls loves to write fiction so I asked her to write a story for someone
  • Sometimes we bake candy or cookies
  • Making a painting of a mind-map over all the reasons she loves someone and frame it
  • Making a gift card of an in-house massage or a clean house

Balancing excitement and disappointment

Like most children, in privileged homes, my girls look forward to this holiday – a lot. The countdown starts when it’s about 7 weeks left and the days seam to slow down just to tease them. The excitement is heightened by the people around them asking about what they wish for Christmas. A child doesn’t have any problems asking Santa for things. Kids don’t care what the cost is or if it’s doable or not. My daughters have wished for ponies and puppies and a swimming-pool..

When you ask a child “what they would reeeeeally like if they could wish for anything they wanted” they will start wishing for it. I know we ask out of a nice intention, we want to know if there is something they want that we can give to them, but maybe we should shift more of the focus away from the getting towards the giving?

I remember that sorrowful feeling when high expectations weren’t met, I remember it personally and I’ve seen it with my girls. They so longed and hoped for something that they didn’t get. At first I was a little provoked by their reactions. They weren’t acting out or anything, there were just tightly held tears that I could sense. I thought they were acting spoiled and ungrateful for everything they have. Then I realized that I’d participated in creating this situation by the way I was acting. I and the other people around them had asked and gotten them to talk about all their wishes.. Not once had I worked to downplay their expectations or to reason with them about their wish lists.

Downplay the wish list and focus on being connected

Are there any things you can do or focus on to enjoy the Holiday with your kids even more? Maybe these tips can help:

  1. Plan ahead, do your Christmas shopping as early in November as you can. That way you can relax and thoroughly enjoy this time. A connected family will give more happiness than any gift you could ever buy.
  2. Downplay the wish list and talk about how lucky we are to have so much. Join in a charity or action towards giving to those who have nothing. One example that we’ve joined in is The Basket brigade.
  3. Focus on giving and seeing the joy on the faces of grandparents and family members and help your children come up with good examples of gifts if they can’t think of something themselves. Give them the gift of giving

BeBrave

To responsibly let yourself fall – vulnerability

, , , 0

Vulnerability

How can we continue to grow as parents? When growing means fear and not just not having everything under control but actually not having any answers whatsoever. How can we combine the role of teacher with the role of a human as a continuing work in progress? How can we manage our own personal development alongside that of our children’s?

There was a moment in my personal development journey where I realized that I am responsible for my emotions. Realized is not really the word. It HIT me! With force enough to like an earthquake forever change my mental landscape. The realization was huge and at first it felt incredibly liberating. All of a sudden I was in control. No one could make me feel anything I didn’t want to. I practiced and got better and better at choosing my actions, to exist in the space between what was happening in my world and my reaction to it. It felt empowering.

If you could decide how to feel – what would you choose?

I wanted to share this epiphany. I thought everyone would love it as much as I did. How could anyone not want to be immune to whatever life throws at you? To be strong enough to stay centered no matter what? It turned out this concept comes with an inevitable accompaniment; a huge dose of personal responsibility.

If you want to believe in the power to completely choose your reactions you have to accept responsibility for every thought and every interpretation that you actually make.

Not everyone wanted this responsibility. It seemed much easier to blame someone or something else for your negative emotions. It was much easier to stick to an old mindset than to look at the risk of having been wrong up to this point.

I had found a truth and I was thrilled about it

For myself I accepted this responsibility with fervor. I felt the truth and the actual benefits from this concept and I worked hard to question habits and beliefs that were not serving me. I left no subject within me unchallenged. I was proud of my growth and of my ability to question old thought patterns. Staying open to change was something I knew I needed to do and so I practiced my growth mindset by being relentless in the pursuit of negative emotions.

I used, and still use, strong negative feelings as clues to finding thought patterns that are disempowering and that needs to be challenged. Weeds that needs to be removed. One of the most effective signs you can investigate, to untangle your energy flow, is to follow the feelings of anger or even better of shame.

I sometimes wondered if it was my fixed mindset that kept me working so hard on challenging myself. Had I found a new concept that was more correct in the eyes of the world and therefore something I needed to ace? No, I decided that I had this one under control. I was pursuing this for the right reasons.

My fixed mindset got me again

It turns out my fear and my fixed mindset got me in another way. With the idea that I can choose how I respond to whatever life throws at me comes the inevitable question of actually succeeding at doing just that. I was getting better and better at managing my reactions and my focus. I practiced at work, with my girls (plenty of opportunities) and with friends and relatives.

When a colleague commented about my work I focused on the feedback and tried to be thankful for the nuggets of gold that could help me up my delivery. When my daughter dropped a glass container with pasta on the floor I managed to see it as an opportunity to teach her how the vacuum cleaner works.. When the shoelace to one of my sneakers broke as I was rushing to leave I just put “new shoelaces” on the shopping list, choose another pair of shoes and ran.

I was becoming decidedly good at staying centered even when life turned a little stormy.

You know how they say that complacency is the threat to all progress?

The second I let myself think that I was getting pretty deft at controlling my emotions was when I got into trouble. My fixed mindset roared awake, stormed in and demanded: “Getting good?? What?? Are you insane? Are you bragging? Do you know the risk of bragging? What if you FAIL? You can’t go around saying things and then failing! Now you better shape up and deliver – every time! Don’t you dare make us look stupid!”

Failing at managing my feelings about failing

So the pressure was on. You’d think this would be something negative in my life but it really wasn’t, for the most part. I pushed myself to succeed and that pushing kept me in learning mode. I dug deep and cleared a lot of emotional weeds from my garden.

But there was this one pattern that kept messing me up. The situations where I wasn’t staying true to my goals and the promises I made to myself. Apart from just not committing and staying true to my word I fell the hardest when I couldn’t manage my feelings about that. Let me clarify;

I was getting upset with myself for getting upset about not following through on things that I’d declared to be important.

Instead of focusing my energy on recommitting to my goals and getting back on the wagon I sat by the roadside and cried about having fallen of in the first place. Then I continued by kicking myself for sitting there crying and THEN continued crying about kicking myself when I was down..

Yeah. Effective. Right.

Risk of oversharing?

Hiding or ignoring or kicking myself over my negative emotions was not working for me. I kept pushing the feelings down which started to hurt me physically. I needed changes. I realized that I needed to get back on track with the commitments I make to myself – step up and be the person that says what she means and does what she says. I knew that I also needed to challenge the disempowering beliefs I had about experiencing negative emotions in the first place.

The thing that kept me from moving forward in this area was a belief about the alternative. I was convinced that the only alternative to “hiding my failure” was to let everything out. I don’t know if this is your experience also but whenever I have to let go of an old belief it feels sort of like I’m freefalling and I’m terrified of what will happen when I hit the ground.

Pendulum

I’ve come to understand that I’m not usually just freefalling though. There is something holding me, something that saves me from hurting myself too much. What normally happens is that I swing back and forth between extremes before eventually coming to land in my center.

 

I thought that the opposite of keeping things in was letting everything out.

The concept of spilling all my doubts, all my fears and let my feelings run wild was not a very comfortable one. Especially in front of my children. I just couldn’t see how it would be fair and right to put that on them. I still don’t. And I haven’t.

Finding my middle without swinging too far

It probably takes me longer to find my middle, my truth, because I refuse to share my challenges/fears with my daughters right from when I realize they exist. However my instinct tells me that my role as their safe haven, their captain, means that some things should not be shared with them. They are not old enough to be let in on my worst doubts and fears. They are children and although they need to learn about managing their own emotions and about accepting the learning process of trying-failing-trying again they still need to do so in a safe environment.

However the strategy of denying having true fears and doubts is not something I want to teach them. I want to show them what it looks like to ask for help. To not succeed but try again. To fall and get back up.

How can I ask them for help in a real and honest way? The kind of ask where they will feel the authentic need and value. How can I show them areas where I fall without the risk of activating their fear about not having a captain in control of the ship?

Vulnerability

My hunt for answers leads me towards vulnerability, acceptance and self-love.

Vulnerability is about loving someone for being where and who they are. Including myself. We’re all a work in progess. When I accept being in the process of learning, I can love myself even when I’m not yet where I want to be. I can feel compassion for myself when sadness, anger, fear or loneliness overwhelms me.

When I let myself feel these emotions, let them wash through me instead of fighting them and having them crash into me leaving me bruised and exhausted, I maintain my center, my core. When I let myself feel the sadness and don’t fight it I can stay in the moment and see it for what it is.

I’ve come across many sources of inspiration for this ever continuing journey towards self-love. There are people out there that can describe the process of vulnerability so exquisitely. I really recommend looking into their worlds. Let yourself be effected and changed.

Elizabeth Gilbert – Book: Big Magic
Brené Brown – Books: Daring greatly and Braving the Wilderness
Glennon Doyle – http://momastery.com

The power of sharing responsibly and living in vulnerability

I’m still learning to swing comfortably, making distinctions that provoke that pendulum to move again and again. I still have a hard time leaning into my fear and sharing things with my daughters and others that I haven’t figured out just yet. I’m learning.

There are a number of areas where life still kicks my butt now and again. Some issues I can manage with the help of adult companions. Some I understand that I need to do the work on myself. But there are some that I can count on my shipmates, my girls, to help me manage. When I responsibly ask them for help they always rise to the occasion with fierce love and loyalty. It really amazes me and warms my heart every time.

What would be something your children could do that would be a Real help?

  • Could they keep you company on your evening jog or walk? Maybe on their bikes?
  • Could they keep a vigilant eye on your grocery bag and your cupboards so no sugary things gets into the house?
  • Could they wrestle you down on the couch for a short massage when you come home so you get some love before continuing on with the evening?
  • Could they plan and prepare dinner one night of the week?
  • Could the big one take responsibility and babysit the other/-s once in a while?

What if there are things that your family could do for you that would be a win-win-win? Something that would genuinely help you, be beneficial to them in terms of learning how to ask for and to give help AND something that will strengthen your connection and feeling of belonging in your family?

BeBrave

Load More