Leadership in a family setting – who’s the locomotive?
What does leadership look like in a family context? Who is the leader in your household? Do you want your children to do as you say and follow your lead?
Some years ago, during a lecture on leadership in a corporate setting, I heard the metaphor of the locomotive. It made a strong impression on me and I decided to make a visual trigger of it to remind myself of the theory. I made a special order to a sliver smith and got a pendant to wear.
The locomotive as a metaphor for leadership
The story went something like this: “Imagine that you’re the locomotive, the one who’s going in front and leading the way. If you want the wagons to follow, you must make sure they’re thoroughly coupled before you set of. Since wagons don’t move by themselves you have to be the one backing up to them. You have to find them and go to them, in the railway yard or elsewhere, and make it possible to connect to you.
Don’t stand there on the track shouting to wagons to come join you. Don’t expect wagons to be able to move on their own. Wagons are explicitly made to carry things and people, not to provide power or chose direction.”
Who’s the locomotive or the wagon in a situation might differ depending on the skillset required and the people involved. Neither position is better than the other, both functions are needed for the train to perform according to design. The story highlights however that there are different skillsets needed for the locomotive and for the wagon.
Stepping up and accepting the role as locomotive
In her book, Kids are worth it!, Barbara Coloroso describes three different types of parenting styles; backbone, brick-wall and jellyfish. The backbone family is the preferred style. It’s based on the idea that families’ fare best when parents lead from their backbones; guided by clear, communicated beliefs and accepting responsibility for defining rules and following through on them.
Stepping up front is sometimes scary. You’re vulnerable and the people around you depend on you. The more often you take the lead the more comfortable you’ll get. As with anything it comes down to practice. About 8 years ago I was appointed a management position at work. I found myself confronted by a number of uncomfortable situations where others looked to me for direction. I remember a specific challenge we had regarding sales.
As in many companies our employees were struggling with the concept of sales. They felt like they were trying to fool our customers into buying our services. I knew I had to change this culture. We needed to believe the truth, that we were solving problems, that what we did brought true value. I also needed to show them how fun sales can be. I decided to do some role playing.
My employees got the role of customer and I was our company’s sales person. They prepared a devil’s advocate case and then we got started. It was scary and I was nervous but we worked through it all. I believe that I earned respect for showing up and being willing to stumble and learn in real time together with my colleagues.
Stepping up front in a family setting can be setting a fixed time for when your kids should be in bed. It can be deciding that you’re limiting candy consumption or screen time.
Make sure the wagons are coupled safely before setting out
The story of the train describes both the need for someone to take on the role of the locomotive, either as a parent or in a work environment, and the need for the locomotive to enable the coupling of the wagons.
I used to get frustrated with my kids when they wouldn’t listen to me. People at work should follow my suggestions and when they didn’t I felt personally insulted. I expected people around me to not only understand me but to automatically comply with my wishes and ideas. Yeah, sounds more like a dictator than a diplomat, I know. I was definitely acting as a wannabe locomotive standing there on the rail, ready to push forward, hollering to potential wagons to come join me.
I felt it was unnecessary to explain my vision. If people didn’t see it then they were not the right people. Now I know it had more to do with me being unwilling to be vulnerable in sharing my vision. What if people didn’t want to join me because they didn’t like my ideas?
I’ve come to accept that with the role of locomotive comes the unavoidable task of “selling” and explaining. It takes conscious effort to think through arguments that will inspire my children and coworkers to connect to my ideas and join me for the ride. The strongest couplings are made when the wagons latch on due to a shared belief and desire.
Even if it’s taken some imagination we’ve made even bedtimes, screen time limitations and sugar restrictions into accepted agreements. I’ve taken my time explaining my reasoning, painting a picture of the goal filling it with positive possibilities and voiced my strong beliefs and dreams for our family.
Do you want to practice the role of the locomotive?
Not everyone feel comfortable taking on the leadership role and there are plenty of situations where you don’t have to. But as a parent you need to practice being the locomotive. Your children look to you for guidance and instructions.
Here are some possible steps to help you practice:
- Pick a specific situation you want to practice/change. It can be a situation where, in the past, you’ve not stepped up front as the locomotive or a situation where you feel you’ve not managed to convince your family yet.
- Step into the leadership role. Take some time alone to think through the situation. What is your desired result? What does the people involved want out of this situation?
- Practice selling your vision
- Explain the challenge in respectful terms
- Paint a vision that inspire and commit yourself truly to your goal
- Make a plan together – it’s easier to commit to a plan you’ve been part of creating
The most effective way to lead is still by your own actions but remember the impact of “selling” your vision. Committing emotionally and out loud to your dreams will ease the way for your wagons to connect.
