Pick the best moment to avoid unnecessary conflict
The first thing greeting you when you walk in the door is a heap of shoes, a couple of backpacks and jackets sprawled over the floor. Depending on your mood at this moment your reactions might scale from simply stepping over the mess to completely losing control and start screaming out loud. Is it possible, in a family with children, to have a tidy hallway without conflict?
Sometimes my family drives me nuts
Clothes in the hallway and personal things strewn over the counter tops in the kitchen is one thing. Another is in the mornings, when we’re in a hurry to get going, and someone just now realizes that the gym clothes hasn’t been washed or that this or that important thing can’t be found.
Or how about when it’s time for bed and you walk in expecting (hoping? praying?) to find your daughter in bed waiting for her bedtime story. You’d hoped she’d brushed her teeth, gotten undressed and was already snuggled down in bed. And there she is, toys all over the floor, immersed in play. You know you have another 20 minutes of preparing before you’re in reading mode. There went your 20 minutes to yourself before you have to be in bed yourself…
These situations become conflicts when they’re combined with a perceived lack of time. If we have to be somewhere at a certain time or if it’s my “alone time” being compromised.
Logistical conflicts is one source but the thing that trigger most conflict in my life, these days, is people’s tone of voice. The other night my daughter wanted me to help her with her English homework. She was tired and stressed and when I didn’t just say “everything looks okay, well done” she snapped at my suggestions. Another typical tone-of-voice-based conflict is when we have to go buy clothes or shoes. Neither of my girls likes shopping (I know what you’re thinking, “Be grateful for that! It’ll change!” ;)) so when we have to, they almost always drag their feet and mumble.
A third area of possible conflict is when it comes to limiting screen time.
What is the desired result?
So far I’ve listed a number of clearly defined situations where conflict comes up in our family setting. If you think about it, could you also make a list of such situations that happen in your family? Every family is unique so the specific situations will be unique to you. There are some basic areas that come up for most families but it’s in the specific details that you’ll find the power to really impact your life.
When you have a list, now it’s time to dream. What would be the best scenario for each situation? What is your dream goal? Remember to dream big and to include all family member’s perspectives.
Ask yourself;
- What would be the most amazing outcome for me in this situation?
- What would be the most amazing outcome for my children in this situation?
- Since you’re in this together, what are some compromises that you can already see would be acceptable for you?
For me I’d really love it if the hallway was tidy when I come home from work. I SO appreciate calm and stress free mornings where I don’t have to remind my children about anything. Walking them to school when we’re in a good mood and have time to talk and connect is wonderful. I also love helping them with their homework, I really do. When there’s time to do it properly and with a playful feeling. Lying next to them, talking, before they fall asleep is one of my favorite times of my day – but it becomes a guilt filled burden when they’re not in bed “on time” and lying next to them will mean no adult alone time for me that night.
How can you avoid everyday situations turning into conflict?
So now you have a list of situation that come up in your family setting that create conflict. You also have a pretty good idea of how the ideal situations would look like. So how do you go about changing? It’s simple but not easy. J There’s a foundational set-the-stage kind of activity to do and there’s a habit of managing your anger in the moment to learn.
Setting the stage – preparing for avoiding conflict
Having conflict in a family is tough on everyone involved. It’s not just you that get badly impacted when you get irritated or angry. Clothes on the floor might not be a problem for your child but having an angry mom definitely is. And even if the mom keeps her anger to herself, she’s likely not connecting with love to that child. So when someone in your family have a problem with something, all of you are effected.
No one likes conflict and children will cooperate to avoid it if given the right tools. When you know of a situation that create conflict you can decide beforehand on how to manage it. You can agree on a strategy, try it out and adjust if needed, until you find something that works for you.
Here’s the most important advice: Don’t try to come up with a strategy during the actual situation. Wait until all feelings are calmed and there’s no risk of anyone feeling judged or criticized.
As parents, do your homework before inviting the children into the conversation. It’s paramount that you agree on the dream situation, on what compromises you can live with, and that you support each other. Then plan for how to approach the subject. What will be the best time to gather your family to have this conversation? Everyone should feel that they have time, that they’re safe and valued and that their perspective is going to be heard. Think through why you want to talk.
Make sure that this conversation isn’t perceived as a conflict in itself. The feeling and atmosphere of this meeting/dialogue should be one of curiosity, care and a shared will to contribute to a gorgeous family.
When conflict hits you in the face
Setting the stage and agreeing on your family strategy for avoiding and working through conflict is one thing. But we’re all a work in progress and since children, and adults, change over time new conflicts arise. Also, regardless of how thoughtfully you’ve worked out your strategies, some days will trigger you more than others. Life happens. You’ll have slept too little, someone might be turning sick or be emotionally hurting and all of a sudden your strategy isn’t working.
In those moments it’s helpful to have a short term strategy in place. I know it might sound impossible to have a strategy for how to act when your agreed upon strategy isn’t working. But this strategy is different. It’s your personal strategy for managing yourself when the family strategy for this situation isn’t working or isn’t in place yet.
The personal strategy for managing conflict
- Step 1. Practice turning an angry thought into a genuine compliment. In the moment, when you get angry, the first priority is to get out of that limiting feeling. The necessity to address the conflict is still as valid and should not be ignored, see step 2, but getting back to an empowering feeling comes first.
Don’t fake a compliment. Breathe and remind yourself of something you actually love or appreciate about the other person. Say it like you mean it.
This will result in two things; you will have remembered a true positive feeling which your brain will act upon and make come true in your body and the one you’re talking to will feel appreciated and open up towards you. - Step 2. Make a note to yourself about the situation. If you don’t write this down you will forget about the details. Describe what happened, what you were upset about, how and what someone said and how you interpreted it.
- Step 3. Own the responsibility for picking a good moment to talk about what has happened and coming up with a family strategy. You might feel that it’s unnecessary to bring it up when it’s “already over” but chances are that the situation will come up again if you don’t address it. Also everyone will learn to understand each other better if we invite them to hear about our experience. Your children want you to be happy and to feel loved. But how can they understand how to treat you if you don’t explain your preferences and your triggers?
A final note on the personal strategy; When you mess up and get angry at your family – which will happen – use that opportunity to demonstrate what owning your shit looks like. Say you’re sorry and rebuild the connection.
